The Helmistry Pod

Last week I asked a bunch of questions in my IG stories. One of them was, "What's something you struggle with most since going no-contact?" Most of the answers to this question were a variation of "Constantly feeling the need to explain my reasons for going no-contact."

In today's episode, we'll chat about three reasons we feel the urge to explain, and often overexplain, our decision to go no-contact:

Lack of normalcy

Lack of boundaries

Lack of self-trust

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For us unloved daughters, Father's Day brings just as much dread as Mother's Day does. So all the tips I gave in the Mother's Day Dread episode (Ep. 22) still applies:

1. Check in with your inner child

2. Be mindful of your triggers

3. Establish/Enforce boundaries

4. Prioritize self-care

In this episode, we talk about two ways Father's Day dread differs from Mother's Day dread. 

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A lot of people have strong feelings about going no-contact. It's typically the people without toxic parents or the people with toxic parents who feel like they can't set boundaries who have the most opinions about it.⠀Since there are a lot of misconceptions out there, I thought it'd be a good idea to talk about what no-contact is and isn't.⠀Going no-contact is NOT:⠀🛑 A temper tantrum🛑 Punishment🛑 Unforgiving🛑 A cycle your kids will continue🛑 Selfish⠀Going no-contact IS:⠀👍🏾 A last resort👍🏾 Self-care👍🏾 Self-preservation⠀You're deserving of a life where you are loved and supported no matter what. A life where you can show up authentically and not be expected to be a robot devoid of feelings. And you're allowed to remove anyone from your life who makes loving and supporting you seem like an unrealistic expectation. Including your parents.

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In today's episode, we'll chat about:

1. Why we live for our parents

2. Who else we often find ourselves living for

3. The issues living for others can cause

4. The real reason holding some of us back

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One of the side effects of going no-contact is that you question literally everything in your life. In today's episode, we're gonna talk about how going no-contact with my toxic mom made me lose my ambition. 

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In today's episode, we're gonna chat about that time I broke no-contact 6 months into my no-contact journey.

I broke no-contact because:

1. The pressure I was getting from my toxic mom's enablers got to me.

2. The internal resistance I felt was overwhelming.

3. I was convinced that the only way to have a good relationship with my daughter was to make the relationship with my mom work.

Going no-contact was hard the first time, but it was EVEN HARDER the second time. 

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One of the things often recommended before going no-contact is going low-contact.⠀I went this route and it was an EPIC failure.⠀In this episode, we chat about 3 reasons going low-contact might not work for you:⠀1. It makes your anxiety skyrocket2. It makes your interactions tense3. It makes the interactions feel like you're babysitting your toxic mom⠀The biggest thing is figuring out if the reason you're going low-contact is that you're trying to placate her instead of doing what's right for you.

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The beginning of my no-contact journey was consumed with self-doubt. I was desperate for validation that I'd done the right thing and didn't blow up my life for no reason. No one in my personal life had gone no-contact so the messages I got from most of the people around me was that I was being unreasonable.

So I searched endlessly for a blog post, article, chat room, or something to give me the encouraging words I needed to hear and reassurance that I'd made the right decision - to no avail.

In my quest to help others on the same journey as me, I wanted to create something to help validate that what they're feeling is normal and navigate what's to come. So my no-contact scale was born.

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When I went no-contact, I didn't know of anyone who'd been down this road before. Now that I'm coming up on 8 years of no-contact, I want to share some things I wish I knew before ahead of time. It wouldn't have changed my mind, I just would've been better prepared. 

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While no two no-contact journeys are exactly alike, there are definitely some similarities and trends. One place, in particular, is the responses we get from well-meaning and not-so well-meaning people. Whether it's a flying monkey, a new coworker, or a new mom in your mommy and me class trying to make small talk, your mom will inevitably come up in conversation. However you reveal that you don't talk to your toxic mom anymore, be prepared to hear one (or more) of these 5 responses.

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Rooting for you!