The Longing Lab

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Episode 2: Melissa Lockman, LCSW: Marshall Fire survivor speaks about her family’s experience processing the loss of their home and neighborhood, how everyone grieves differently, and the importance in validating loss and taking time to pause

Melissa Lockman is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, and maternal and infant mental health expert. She says she has “an exquisite reverence for the ability of humans to heal from trauma.” In addition to her mental health training, Melissa has a master’s degree in Feminist Studies and a bachelor’s in ecology. She is a Libra, a mother to two children (10 & 6 years old), and a wife to her life partner of 26 years. Melissa says she finds balance and connection where it is tenuous or hidden. On December 30th 2021, her family’s home and Cornerstone neighborhood were decimated in the Marshall Fire. She talks about how her family and neighbors are processing the trauma. 

Connect with Melissa:
 Website: www.melissalockman.com

In this episode, we talked about…

• The “God moment” in their escape—her daughter’s insight
• The moment they knew their home was gone & how they told their children
• How her family members respond & grieve the loss of their home differently
• How longing tastes differently when there is or isn’t a choice in the change
• Her love for popovers and the role of smell in memory
• The painful process of itemizing your entire life for insurance purposes
• Perspectives on “Marshall Strong” and the terms “survivor” vs. “victim”
• The outpouring of community help
• How she sees herself as a container to the bodies and souls of her children
• How to balance a healthy sense of longing without the corrosive nature of obsessing
• Giving longing a place in time (validate loss and then pause)

Quotes

“When we drove away from their neighborhood, we could see flames 150 yards away.”

“This tragedy would have been a whole other story if we had lost those guinea pigs.”

“We all process grief so differently in our family. It was four different universes of experiences all on one couch.”

“My daughter screamed and screamed and screamed. My son cried, ‘My Coca-Cola Haribo from my Christmas stocking…’ That was his moment of loss. Then he didn’t want to hear the word fire and wants to pretend we are on vacation.”

“We miss the sweet smell of our home on a Saturday morning. One of the first things people sent us was a new popover tin.”

“You let people be wherever they are. Grief is so different on the inside than what it looks like from the observer.” 

“In the past couple of weeks, we have said that we are each other’s home.”

" Often, something happens too fast for the nervous system to make sense of something overwhelming. When someone says to me, ‘I really miss that stack of photo albums that I’d been saving forever that I hadn’t scanned,’ I say, ‘Yes, and can we just pause there?’ and let the pause happen so the longing has a place, has a spot in time, and doesn’t get skipped over. If we can just pause in life more, I think it leads to a little more integration.” 

Links/Resources:

The Wild Edge of Sorrow by Francis Weller

It’s OK That You’re Not OK by Megan Devine

For traumatic healing check out www.traumahealing.com

Let’s Connect

Website: www.amandajmccracken.com

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Romance novelist Rachel McMillan discusses the intersection of sex-positive feminism and celibacy, the joys of traveling solo, why women want the slow-burn romance, and how longing fuels her creativity and cultivates gratitude.

Rachel McMillan is a Toronto-based Valentine Day-born romance novelist, avid traveler, literary agent, and history buff. When she’s not writing romance or mystery, you can often find her traveling through Europe doing research for her next story. Her first nonfiction publication, Dream, Plan, Go: A Travel Guide for Independent Adventure was written to inspire adventure near and far. Like myself, Rachel is a self-proclaimed sex-positive feminist virgin who grew up going to church (her father is a minister). Rachel connected with me on social media in 2015 after reading an essay I’d written on celibacy. We’ve been following each other’s paths ever since. While you won’t find bodice-ripping Fabio characters in her stories, you will find heroes and heroines who value their lovers and treat them as equals.

In this episode, we talked about…

• How longing results in gratitude

• Pursuing versus waiting 

• How romantic moments can exist solo 

• Investing in friendships versus romantic relationships

• Her love for Vienna

• How romance novels can set positive expectations for women

• The importance of waiting for a “hero” who treasures you and treats you as an equal

• The most successful hero/heroine characters among her readers

• Writing sex scenes

• Her choice to remain celibate until marriage 

• Learning to be your own best company/traveling solo 

• Sex-positive feminism 

• Medical professionals’ lack of tact when speaking about virginity with patients 

• Her love for TV Christmas movies​​

Quotes

“A woman should never wait for a companion—a friend or a guy—to do anything….I made up my mind there is nothing I would not do, whether it was try out a new restaurant or go to a show at a theater….I have had pretty romantic moments in cities where I have met people…..Every woman should have to travel solo once.”

“Where’s the shower for the woman getting a Phd?”

“(Romance novels) can set the expectation that you should invest in a relationship that makes you feel valued and cherished. I have had occasional emails from women who have said that after reading one of my books and meeting one of my heroes, they decided to leave a relationship because they wanted to be treated better. (Romance novels) can help you see you should be treated better.”

“I always make sure that my heroine is set whether she has a man or not.”

“My belief in celibacy being ideal in a romantic relationship is far more from my romantic nature than a bunch of guys behind a pulpit saying, ‘Wear a ring.’”

“When I write heroes who wait a little bit, women love that. And most of the women I hear from have never stepped foot in a church.”

“Women want the slow-burn romance. They love when a touch of a hand is just as sexy or sensual as a full-on scene.”

“I just want readers to know they should hold out for a romance that makes them feel treasured, valued and an equal. And if they don’t find that, they’re going to be fine.”

“I am a liberal Christian and a feminist. For me, waiting is revolutionary. And I will die on that hill.”

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 Welcome to The Longing Lab podcast trailer!  I'll share how my personal story led me to start this podcast, the types of guests you'll have the opportunity to hear, and why I believe it will help many listeners.