The Love We Think We Want: Longing, Attachment, and the Fantasy of Connection

The Deeper Thinking Podcast

For anyone untangling love, pain, and the quiet ache beneath romantic longing.

We are told love should bring peace. That it should feel whole, safe, and mutual. But many of us find ourselves drawn to absence—to longing that never resolves. In this episode, we explore the difference between the love we think we want and the love we actually need. Through the lens of attachment theory, cultural myth, and existential thought, we ask: why do we chase what hurts?

This is not a guide to finding “the one.” It is a meditation on the inner maps that shape desire, and how early wounds can disguise themselves as attraction. With insights from Jean-Paul Sartre, Sigmund Freud, Lauren Berlant, and Eva Illouz, we explore how love, when shaped by anxiety and survival, becomes performance—not connection.

What if the person who feels magnetic isn’t our future—but our past repeating itself? What if the ache is not chemistry, but memory? This episode invites us to question the myths we’ve inherited, and to begin writing new stories rooted in safety, truth, and presence.

Reflections

Love shaped by longing will always feel dramatic. But it may never feel safe. This episode is for anyone ready to stop chasing pain disguised as passion.

Here are some reflections that surfaced along the way:

Why Listen?

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Bibliography

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The love we think we want is often not love at all. It is memory, longing, a repetition of wounds left unhealed. But real love? It was never meant to hurt.

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