We open on a hot, desert soundscape. Heat waves undulate off the baking asphalt. The driving roadhouse rock swells, as a leather-clad dog enters frame. Now that’s how you start a podcast! After they settle down, the laddies jaw about how satisfying it is to return from a trip to find a nice stack-o-mail in need of sorting. Then, the wondrous Emily Strachan hits the scene and divulges that she’s a writer who hates writing…and she’s pregnant! Emily admits to blithely jamming fruit stickers down the garbage disposal, and is eager to gripe about Gil Ozeri…who is her husband! Of course, Tony & Johnny never miss an opportunity to trash one of their closest friends. Emily is also a HUGE fan of Johnny’s Game, and her contributions birth yet another exciting offshoot! See ya later, dog!

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There’s some disagreement between the two schmucks about whether or not they need to formally greet one another, at the top of the pod. They clearly both want to say “hello,” however. And so they do. Johnny fills Tony in on his recent air travel woes. And Tony is enraged on his behalf. Then, the devilishly-wry Mark Proksch comes on, and guess what? He doesn’t like podcasts! He thinks they’re a waste of time! Our hosts tend to agree. They dish on What We Do in the Shadows and determine that the only remarkable thing about Toronto is that Tony receives cheese alerts from a grocery store there. They wrap up with yet another contentious Johnny’s Game, where Johnny’s setups are subjected to some very unfair scrutiny by the guest.

Another breezy, guest-less episode begins with a classic jump-scare! Even more frightening, Johnny is not running the latest version of Zoom! Thankfully Tony is. Unfortunately, he’s been attacked by spiders, in the night! He shows Johnny his pimply ass, as proof. They reminisce about the old HBO show Real Sex and shudder at the thought of being vacuum-sealed inside a latex sleeve. They discuss their dreams, which quickly leads to a discussion about how boring it is to discuss dreams. Johnny has to urinate very badly, but Tony won’t let him leave until he answers one very important question!

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It’s a beautiful day out! After struggling to describe it, Tony admits to a near-total ignorance of visual artists. This throws the guys into a confidence tailspin, realizing they are experts in nothing. Then Mary Holland & Dan Klein squeeze in for a dual interview! Or what is commonly called a “Twinterview.” A first in Phoney & Call-y lore. All are delighted by Mary’s tales of her many accidents. And Dan is confused about Tony’s genetic parentage. Mary & Dan have come on to promote a joint project. But, in a stunning twist, they don’t know anything about it!*

*'Corked' will release on August 16th.

This episode is sponsored by Freeze Pipe
Go to thefreezepipe.com and use code PHONEY for 10% off! 

It’s too much nipple talk for Tony! Also, Tony has been the recipient of multiple birthday gifts from Johnny. But is Johnny really the magnificent gift-giver that Tony thinks he is? No matter! Geoff Garlock is here! He’s a musician. He’s a comedian. He’s a prolific podcaster. And Geoff has the ability to string together music and movie references in rapid-fire rants that thoroughly confuse Johnny. It’s downright Matt-Pinfield-ish! They talk about the punk/ska/hardcore scenes of the ‘90s, and how they all have trouble identifying with communities. Geoff takes Anthony to task about his 9/11 conspiracy “knowledge,” and then, at the very end of the episode, makes an admission so shocking it must be heard to be belierved!

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Summer’s heating up, and you can’t run A/C during a podcast. So the men are hot! The fellas crunch the numbers on how many full days of recording they’d have to do to bank several years worth of podcasts. Tony says “What?” in a way that sounds gruffer than he means. And Google’s AI is making them sad. Then, Rob Huebel pops in to talk about corrugated metal, disaster prep, and his brother, who is a professional pilot! The boys lavish praise on Rob, and divulge that he’s such an effective straight man, it’s impossible to know whether you’ve actually upset him. Rob, it turns out, is another one of those guests who’s reluctant to give plugs, even though he’s got stuff that needs promoting!

Tony & Johnny are recording the podcast together, in the same room, for the first time! They quickly discover that the “play-aggression” they employ over Zoom feels much harsher in-person. They abandon it for a gentler tact and set about recounting the tale of their previous night together, at Tony’s hotel. How strange it was to see each other. How Johnny was shellshocked from a discomfiting day at an animal sanctuary. How the hotel restaurant displeased and confused them. And how to properly pronounce the word “sandwich.” When Tony skillfully backs them into a Shark Tank scene, Johnny is resistant, at first. But the deal points all make sense. They steward a theoretical podcast listener across the threshold of death and call it a night!

This episode is sponsored by Better Help and Freeze Pipe
Go to betterhelp.com/pc for 10% off your first month
Go to thefreezepipe.com and use code PHONEY for 10% off! 

The giggle-boys are being silly tickledicks, at the top of the pod. They titter about Harry Potter, old email accounts, and whether you have to be a hoarder to run a junkyard. Should it ever come down to it, in a survival situation, Johnny promises to kill Tony in his sleep. Tony takes umbrage at this. Then Dan Lippert swaggers in to claim the title of “2nd Guest Who’s Listened to Every Episode.” The hosts are flattered and go on to grill Dan on his whole life story. Dan turns out to be a kind and sensitive soul who has a deep knowledge of the play The Crucible. Tony probes him for ways they could be running their podcast better. And Johnny is shocked to learn that neither Tony nor Dan likes breakfast pizzas. Honesty abounds!

Tony is hard-selling Johnny on getting back into DayZ (a multiplayer, survival game without the speed of multiplayer, the satisfaction of survival, or the ability to accomplish anything.) And Johnny seems willing! They discuss the discomfort of participating in prank shows and the comfort of good foot care! The buddies compare foot-smoothing tools, and a brief mention of “callus dust” is all it takes to inspire one of their more-nuanced 9/11 scenes! Then, the distractingly-handsome Ben Rodgers logs on from a hotel-room-with-terrible-wifi, and the threesome gabs about Star Trek, parental discipline, and how much leeway society should give the mentally ill when they expose their genitals outside of a school. Tony tries, yet again, to bring up Strange New Worlds, but it appears he is still the only person watching it.

There’s a congressional hearing on UFOs! Tony finds UFO speculation endlessly fascinating. But sadly, try as he might, he cannot get Johnny on board. The circular logistics required to maintain such discussions feel tedious to him. Tony cannot hide his disappointment. They do a Contact-esque scene that would make Carl Sagan feel embarrassed. And then, Neil Casey jets in out of the clear blue sky to add his own theories about the mysterious flying objects! It’s one of those discussions that sounds reasonable, at the beginning, and then makes progressively less sense as it goes along. They recount the glory days of their old improv team, the strange customs that Tony and Neil shared when they were roommates, and Neil’s aerobatics training…because Neil is a pilot who owns a plane! This episode is very flying-through-the-air-ish, I guess.