The cranks begin with another of their fussy, bicker sessions. Feelings are nearly hurt, but they pull back just in time and align their angst against the other members of their households who consistently fail to refill the toilet paper. Tony has experienced yet another road rage incident at his favorite intersection. Then they discuss the Supreme Court and do a very bizarre scene that hints at a deep contempt for the institution. Seth Morris shimmies in to educate the lads on his color-coded bookshelf, his latter days as a Pilates instructor, and the strange, 3rd party software he uses to record. Seth professes his love for the podcast, but admits that, if he were closer friends with Tony & Johnny, he would be too jealous to listen to it. The boys are delighted, but torn. Because they would like to spend more time with Seth.

It’s a Threeway all day, as Green Crewman Gil Ozeri attends for the entire session! The 3 fren-amigos work out a complex system for who has to be sweet to whom. Then, Gil steers the conversation towards a concept of his called “Sexualis,” a whimsical, psychosexual excitement one gets from simulated killing. It seems to involve a feeling of closeness and competition with good friends. There is also a sexy daddy component. On top of that, Gil is keen to know certain, specific, intimate details from Tony & Johnny’s lives. Namely, how they wipe, how they fuck, and what position they like to sleep in. With every new morsel he learns, he mutters, “Yeah, this is the good stuff.” It’s very strange behavior, and it’s not to be missed!

Excitement is in the air, as the boys ready their podcast for the arrival of Johnny’s vaunted mother, Sweet Susan! Tony’s in a bit of a lather after being chided by an audience member, following a standup show. They have a little trouble switching gears, but when they do, a fictional biker gang is finally able to settle their vendetta against Tony. Then, Mama Sue arrives! The babies are so excited to see mommy that they almost forget to confront her about her wildly inappropriate behavior with John’s son. They also discuss the Montessori “beans in a bowl” system, jump scares, and Susan’s wildly inappropriate behavior with her own son, Johnny! Susie presides over a masterful Mommy’s Game, and they make a tentative plan to all snuggle in bed together when Tony comes to LA. Get ready for a warm feeling in the cockles of your stupid heart!

Johnny’s nervous to test out his new wifi network. What if it doesn’t work well?! Meanwhile, Tony’s fresh from the doctor where he was informed that he has perfect hearing. When Johnny tries to test him by speaking softly, the whole thing devolves into a bitter competition to see who can talk the quietest. It’s a contest you’ll have to NOT hear to believe! Then, they try to trick the Spotify algorithm to see if they can get slapped with a COVID misinformation warning. And THEN, John Flynn comes on to plug his new book “Baked!: Sex, Drugs, and Alternative Comedy” and talk about his seedy past as a pot cookie dealer, which is the subject of his new book “Baked!: Sex, Drugs, and Alternative Comedy!” The trio also talks about Ped Eggs, Crispin Glover, and an old NY subway experience that is so disgusting, Flynn and Anthony are still haunted by it, to this day! They reach the end of the episode and realize there have been no network connection issues. Johnny’s new routers are a hit! And, impossibly, cocks have not been mentioned once!

It’s the 30th episode! A famously important and difficult-to-achieve milestone in the life of any podcast. The triumphant hosts take a moment to “look back” at some of the classic skits, scraps, clips, & clits that have made theirs a standout among all the podcasts that debuted in the fall of last year.* Buckle up for montages, guests, gaffes, & grunts as Tony & Johnny burnish their legacy and look forward to what the next 30 may hold!
*(All content is new. Please don’t skip this episode because you think it’s just a bunch of old stuff. It’s a joke!)

Do Tony & Johnny have anything to talk about anymore? Yes! They discuss the weather for a bit and depress themselves about the deteriorating environment and how horrible it will be to die of heat exposure. They reminisce about the joys of endless days spent wandering the Barnes & Noble on the Upper West Side and inevitably emptying their bowels in the children’s section. Then comedian, writer, and social media sensation Blaire Erskine comes on to dish about the Atlanta comedy scene, how nice a guy Machine Gun Kelly is, and how much it sucks to get death threats online! As the episode winds down, it becomes clear that Tony (who invited Blaire onto the podcast) feels suspended in an awkward tension between his exciting new friend Blaire and his embarrassing old friend Johnny. Blaire and Johnny assure him that it’s fine.

For reasons unexplained, Tony & Johnny are gone. But filling in, from the 24th century, are everyone’s favorite Federation stooges, Captain Picard and Lieutenant Worf! They’re the podcast’s biggest fans, and they’re recording on the Holodeck and beaming it back through time or something…it all sort of gets explained. You’ll be satisfied with the reasoning, don’t worry. Even though it’s the future, they still manage to encounter Zoom issues. They also get into Klingon cuisine, Picard’s mysterious bathroom incident, and how exposed they feel in Cardassian space! Then, Will Hines beams in to talk about his uneventful breakfast, how much (or little) his death would affect the time stream, and how his tossed-off, comic book podcast with his brother is an unexpected success! Worf and Picard are jealous on Tony & Johnny’s behalf. This episode has action, thrills, and yes, space-degradation!

Johnny is snuggled up in his bedroom, and Tony actually thinks his audio sounds good! Did he think it was bad before? The Cozy Couple considers the joys and horrors of picking one’s nose and consuming the findings. They ponder whether or not an asshole can ever be fully clean. And they wonder what the difference is between a dead-drop and a deadfall. Kelly Hudson rambles in from a road trip and immediately announces her pregnancy before delving into her experiences with past-life regression. Johnny yearns for a rational explanation for it all, and Anthony seeks to provide one with his “Node Theory of Consciousness.” Finally, they envision how calm it would feel to be a deranged, serial murderer. Much is contemplated in this episode.

The boyz are back from their triumphant trip to SXSW! They express their gratitude that they’re both on the same social wavelength of wanting to hang out in relatively sedentary settings where snacks are available. Johnny’s mother moved to LA while he was away, and has almost immediately committed a boundary-shattering babysitting faux pas. Tony initiates a scene that strikes right to the pith of the matter, and then Jon Daly comes on to discuss his SXSW experience, how they all barely graduated high school, and why he thought it would be easier for Johnny to order for him at a take-out window instead of each of them just placing their own separate order and paying independently. Also, Daly accidentally says “Bic” when he means “Schick,” and Johnny will not let it go. Alas, the fun must end, but not before someone pisses in a jar!

This episode is sponsored by Better Help, go to betterhelp.com/pc for 10% off your first month

With SXSW looming, our heroes discover that the payments they’re receiving for the festival are being structured differently (yes, a “travel buyout” is involved). It’s impossible to tell if they’re being treated equally, and that’s enough to unleash a tidal wave of resentments. When Johnny announces he’s got a hard out, they rush a scene (that ends up being pretty good!) and then welcome comedian & writer Alison Leiby to the call. Alison helps them crunch some numbers on the festival pay dispute, and then they discover that they’re all only children! Johnny’s Game is too easy, but they have fun, anyway.

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