What is “gaslighting,” and why is your estranged adult child accusing you of doing it to her?

Named after the 1944 movie “Gaslight,” the term refers to the behavior deployed by the nefarious husband, played by Charles Boyer. He convinces his wife that she’s insane through a calculated, relentless campaign of disinformation.

But what on earth does that have to do with your behavior? You have no desire to drive your child insane. What is he getting at, and why is he accusing you of something so diabolical?

Parents of adult children can think of “gaslighting” as just a fashionable term for “invalidating.” And this is something parents do frequently to children young and old, without even realizing it. We do it to ourselves, too, by the way -- no evil intended.

In this episode (use the player below to listen), Tina suggests an effective response when you’re accused by your child of gaslighting him.

Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child” checklist.

Tina talks through three ideas from How to Win Friends and Influence People that you can begin to implement today.

Use these tips to meet the needs of your estranged adult child and draw them back into connection with you in an honest and generous way.

If you like the idea of attracting your adult child with sincere attempts to meet his or her emotional needs, you’re in the right place with the Reconnection Club.

Learn more at https://reconnectionclub.com/learn-more

Let Tina convince you that changing the past is as unnecessary as it is impossible. Instead, you’ll learn what your child truly needs from you when she complains about past events.

This episode is just another reminder that your power as a parent is greater than you probably realize. Use your power for good, in the present, and you won’t have to waste any more time with pointless regrets.

For parents estranged from adult children, the concept of independence is often overlooked. But cultivating independence can have a positive impact on a rejected parent’s quality of life. That includes how you handle unwanted estrangement.

“I think she blames me for my divorce.” If you feel this might be a motivating factor in your adult child’s estrangement, you’ll want to listen to this episode. 

It’s rarely the divorce itself that’s keeping adult children up at night. That’s in the past. They lived through the immediate upheaval, and their lives are now on a different track. It’s not as though your child wants you to get back together with your ex so they can live with both of you again…

So is it even true that the divorce is a factor in your child’s estrangement?

If it is, it’s probably not the breakup of your marriage that’s causing your child pain. Now that you’ve come through the actual divorce, any lingering pain your child is experiencing can be addressed in the present, where it’s happening.

“To the world’s best mom...”

If you ever received a note like this from your child, you might be wondering, how on earth did that adoring child become the silent, unyielding estranged adult she is today?

How did you fall so far from grace, without doing anything differently?

Tina suggests there are two main reasons for this seeming discrepancy in your child's feelings.

In this episode, Tina shares tips on how to become more predictable in your contact in order to create goodwill between yourself and your estranged adult child. Also, she talks about when it’s okay, and even desirable, for a parent to be unpredictable.

“Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

For parents of estranged adult children, this is one of the most practical and powerful tips available to help them in their quest for reconciliation.

While this bit of wisdom didn’t originate with Stephen R. Covey, there’s a very good reason why he made it one of his 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

Seeking first to understand is rocket fuel for relationships. But as Tina points out in this episode, it’s hard to put “seek first to understand” into practice.

Learn how to reconnect with your child by joining the Reconnection Club, an online school and support hub for parents estranged from adult children. Learn more at reconnectionclub.com/learn-more.

Not every adult child who’s estranged from parents is emotionally immature. But in some cases, emotional immaturity is something that parents who want to reconnect with a particular child have to take into account. Tina lists four things you can do to maximize the chances of successful reconciliation with an emotional immature adult child.

In this episode, Tina describes specific problems created during estrangement by the parent’s low self-esteem, and what you can do to improve your self-concept. She also talks about why adult children become estranged after going into therapy. It may not be why you think it is.