“You should get therapy.” Has your adult child said those words to you? Have they made therapy a condition of continuing the relationship? Being told to seek therapy is no one’s idea of a compliment. But for parents of estranged adult children, it may be the start of a fantastic voyage into their own inner depths. Not to mention an unexpected portal to a better relationship with themselves and their child(ren). What does it mean when a child suggests therapy, and what should you do if they say it’s a condition of reconciliation? Is there anything to be gained if you don’t even want to be there? Should you go to therapy anyway? In this episode, Tina gives five things to think about if you’re one of the many parents urged to seek therapy by an unhappy adult child. In the end, any advice your child gives you on the way out the door is worth at least a look. Why? Your child knows you pretty well. And he won’t bother making suggestions unless he cares – at least a little bit – about the outcome. Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child” checklist.

Many parents of estranged adult children feel like they’re in a revolving door with their child. One moment they’re in contact, the next they’ve gone radio silent again.

Researchers call this periodic or cyclical estrangement, and it’s a dangerous pattern. Just like author Harriet Brown (Shadow Daughter), adult children can decide one day that they’ve had enough. For good.

Even in that case, parents needn’t give up. It’s never too late to make repairs once you learn how. But why not heal the relationship now, so that it doesn’t ever get to that point?

Tina talks about the root cause of this back-and-forth pattern, and what parents must do to break the cycle for good.

For much more detail on how to go about repairing your relationship, order Tina’s forthcoming book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child: Practical Tips and Tools to Heal Your Relationship.

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There’s no question that estrangement from an adult child is painful for rejected parents. But many parents suffer even more than necessary, because they believe their child is willingly hurting them. Nobody wants to think of their child as heartless, cruel, mentally ill, easily brainwashed, or any of the other qualities often attributed to people who estrange themselves from family. Instead, Tina suggests throwing out unsatisfying and inaccurate explanations, and relying instead on the mental model of Hanlon’s Razor: “Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by neglect.” Tina puts an estrangement spin on that model to help parents understand and come to better terms with why estrangement happens. This episode also includes a brief discussion about the difference between estrangement and the silent treatment.

Is your estranged adult child the black sheep of the family? If so, there are things you need to know about how to reach out and try to reconnect.

This episode features an excerpt from Tina’s interview with Dr. Elizabeth Dorrance Hall, a professor of Communication at Michigan State University. Her research on the experiences of people who identify as the “family black sheep” has revealed information that family members, especially parents, need to understand.

The black sheep of the family is usually someone different in noticeable ways. They may be the only one who’s unmarried, didn’t go to college, doesn’t work in the family business, or practices a different religion, lifestyle, or diet. They may consider themselves underachievers compared to their siblings.

To find out how being a black sheep might contribute to estrangement from family, Tina asked Dr. Dorrance Hall for advice for parents whose estranged adult child happens to be the black sheep of the family. Or as Dr. Dorrance Hall calls them, marginalized family members.

When it comes to repairing relationships, knowledge is power. This episode provides parents with some instructions on bridging the gap between the black sheep and the rest of the family.

The episode ends on a hopeful note: Estrangement as an ongoing, active process. It’s not a forever decision made once and never revisited.

Reconnection Club members will find the complete interview with Dr. Dorrance Hall about the family black sheep in our Library at reconnectionclub.com/library. It’s part of our collection of helpful conversations with experts, under the “Interviews” tab.

Although estrangement from family isn’t normal for young adults, a normal phase of development can contribute to your child’s need for distance.

In this episode, Tina briefly explains individuation and differentiation, and why these natural processes sometimes require distance from family.

More importantly, she talks about specific steps you can take if you suspect your child’s estrangement is largely or wholly motivated by a developmental phase.

Whether your child is 19 or 39, a phase of development can contribute to a sudden pulling away. That’s why it’s important not to personalize an adult child’s need for space.

Not taking the behavior personally is just one of six tips for parents of young adults who may be going through individuation and differentiation.

Here are Tina’s tips for coping with developmentally-motivated estrangement:

1. Redefine your child’s behavior.
2. Give her the space she’s asking for.
3. Focus on personal development.
4. Assess your social network.
5. Don’t give in to irrational fears.
6. Grieve what you’ve actually lost.

Differentiating between thoughts and feelings is an ongoing task that can take a lifetime to master. Your child isn’t the only one capable of developing new skills. Use the current estrangement as a catalyst to grow as a person. See the link below for help with managing difficult emotions.

Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child” checklist.

“What if my child never speaks to me again?” This is the worst fear for many a parent who’s estranged from their adult child(ren).
Few cases of parent-adult child estrangement are truly hopeless. But there are three that just might have you making your peace with never reconciling.
In this episode, Tina discusses three circumstances where reconciliation is, in her opinion, unlikely. The first two have to do with the personal characteristics of your child – over which, of course, you have no control.
The third circumstance, in which the adult child accuses you or someone close to you of physical, sexual, or emotional abuse, doesn’t have to be hopeless. Yes, even if you disagree with your child about the abuse, or don’t believe it ever happened, reconciliation can still be achieved.
Tina talks about options you might want to exercise for best results in all three cases.

If you’re having trouble in any relationship… Especially if you’re the parent of an estranged adult child… You can’t afford NOT to be good at apologies. We know that people who estrange themselves from family don’t do it to be hurtful. They do it because they feel hurt in those relationships. They’re protecting themselves. That’s why apologies are sometimes the only communication that can break through a wall of silence. Until they receive an apology, anything else is not that interesting to someone who feels hurt. In this episode, Tina describes three elements of a good apology. Without all of these being included, your apology to your adult child (or anyone else) may fall flat. If you’ve ever received the pseudo-apology, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” you know that apologies don’t always melt the ice. That particular version misses the mark in every way. Find out how to craft a truly effective apology to make repairs and/or progress in any relationship. And if you’re worried about coming across as insincere, rest assured that it’s impossible to use the elements described in this episode without the apology coming from your heart. If you like this episode, please don’t be a stranger… Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child” checklist.

Not every parent estranged from their adult child (or children) is in exactly the same place, emotionally or spiritually, during the estrangement.
From observation, Tina hypothesizes that parents go through five predictable stages. And just like the stages of grief observed by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, not everyone goes through all of them, and the stages don’t necessarily follow a particular order.
In this episode Tina describes the five stages of estrangement and the tasks inherent in each one.
Parents who accomplish the stage-dependent tasks can progress to a better state of mind and develop reconnection skills along the way.
While Tina often refers to reconciliation as the "reconciliation phase" of estrangement, reconciliation per se isn’t one of the five stages. Like the stages of grief, the stages of estrangement are psychospiritual, not logistical.
Thus, while you may be in a reconciliation phase in your relationship with your child, you’ll also be in one of the five stages of estrangement described in this episode.

What’s the difference between estrangement from your biological child vs. an adopted child, particularly when that child is of a different race, or comes from a different country? Eli Harwood of the PASS Center in Denver, Colorado answers that question for us on today’s episode. This episode will be of interest to both adoptive and biological parents who want to make sure they’re on the same page with their adult children when they communicate with them. Tina shares an excerpt from her interview with Eli, who co-founded the PASS center to provide training and counseling around adoption issues for both therapists and adoptive families. In this excerpt, Eli also talks about: Why adoption can create a setup for later parent-child estrangement, Why trying to make things okay for an adopted child of a different race can backfire, Why love itself might not be enough to create a strong bond with an adopted child, And what parents can do to try to repair the relationship once their adopted child is an adult. Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child” checklist.

When adult children cut off contact with their parents, their silence can be excruciating. But that’s largely because of the way that silence gets interpreted.

Here are some particularly painful interpretations of silence:

• “I hate you.”
• “You’re not worth a reply.”
• “You mean nothing to me.”
• “I’m never going to talk to you again.”

No wonder it’s so painful when your child stops responding. And no wonder so many parents reach out to estranged adult children even when they’ve been asked for no contact.

But silence doesn’t always mean what you think it means. This episode presents five alternative ways to interpret your child’s silence.

These are based on Tina’s experience as a therapist working with adults who cut off their parents, and also on research into why adult children estrange themselves.

Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child” checklist.