There is a better than 80% chance that, at this moment, you are a Chaser.  In doing a little informal research, I noticed that about 90% of the people who read my articles, listen to my podcast, read my b0oks, or use my System, are chasing right now.

Why?  Because right now, their spouse (and likely, your spouse) is being a Spacer.  The Chaser/Spacer pattern can vary over time -- who is doing which, how fast both are moving, and what the distance looks like.  Sometimes, couple switch roles.  Usually, because the Chaser gives up and becomes the Spacer, causing the Spacer to suddenly shift to being the Chaser.

There HAS to be a better way... right?

Right??

Why yes, yes there is.  So glad you asked!

In this podcast, I tell you about the Chaser/Spacer roles, how they come to be, why the are so problematic, and why they don't have to be permanent roles or patterns.  We unwind it.

And I tell you about the better role.

Listen below to discover how to stop being the Chaser or Spacer... and what to do, instead!

 

RELATED RESOURCES:

Why Connection Matters

What Space Means

The Save The Marriage System

Chaser, Spacer, Pacer Workbook

Many people tell me of their desperation to find intimacy -- and their sadness over not having it in their marriage.

But is it possible to find that intimacy?  Is there a path to intimacy in your marriage??

There are choices people make... that often lead them away from intimacy -- not toward it!  This isn't on purpose.  They just don't know better.

The path to intimacy may not be something you learned -- or even saw in relationships around you!

But there IS a path. That path has 4 steps to get there.

Unfortunately, many people decide to leave in steps 2 and 3, not realizing just how close they are to intimacy.  True intimacy.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we look at the path.  I'll tell you about each of the 4 steps along the path... and how to make a shift toward intimacy... just when you think you've missed it.

Yes, you can find intimacy. You just need to know the path to take.  Let's get it covered for you!

Listen below.

 

RELATED RESOURCES

Dealing with Conflict

2 Necessary Feelings

Marriage and Self-Expansion

Save The Marriage System

You hit the Pause Button on your marriage.  I get it.  You didn't realize you were doing it, and didn't know it was a problem.  You just thought you were dealing with life -- the kids, a career, activities... life.

But while you didn't know it was a problem, it is.  In fact, it is the big reason that marriages get into trouble.  Yes, there are lots of symptoms of the problem.  The underlying problem, though, is disconnection... from hitting the Pause.

Relationships don't go into suspended animation, just awaiting re-animation.  Nope, they are either growing or receding.  And a paused relationship is receding.

Then, suddenly, you realize there is a problem.  It was brewing for awhile.  But since you were disconnected, you missed the signs.  Until it was a crisis.

And then, you go from Pause Button to Panic Button.

Now, you have to deal with both the paused marriage and the panic problem.  You have to find a way to heal the disconnection AND deal with the crisis.

How do you do it?

We talk about it on this week's episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  You can listen below.

 

RELATED RESOURCES

Why Pause Is A Problem

The 7 Stages of Disconnection

Healing Disconnection

Save The Marriage System

Yes, this is the #1 thing people request in therapy. And no, fixing it will not fix your marriage.

This is part rant, part warning, and part explanation.  Because, communication skills has somehow become a central tenet of hurting marriages.  So, therapists teach them, clients request them, and marriages just don't get better.

When I was in training, this somehow became the default approach, even after all the theory and explanations of problems in a marriage.  Lots of very convoluted, confusing theories were proposed, and then, the treatment?

Teach communication skills!

Which is probably why marriage therapy has such abysmal results.  When you look at the actual research, 50% of marriages that seek therapy still end up divorced.  Pretty much the overall national average for any marriage.  And only 10 to 15% of couples report any improvement.  Let me say that again:  any improvement.

Why?  Well there are multiple issues (I discuss them right here) behind this.  But a big reason is this emphasis on communication skills.  And yet, when I am meeting with a couple, almost always, I understand everything they are saying.  And they seem to understand each other!  That is not the issue.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you why this isn't going to save your marriage, and how to make a shift to what can.

Listen below!

 

RELATED RESOURCES:

Podcast:  3 Problems with Therapy

Substack:  The Connection Compass

Program:  The Save The Marriage System

For awhile, I have been answering listener-submitted questions, and continue to do so in this episode (if YOU want to ask a question, send it to [email protected]).

This week, I respond to a couple of questions about a spouse's indifference and/or resistance to attempts at connection.

It can be frustrating when you so desperately want to rebuild a marriage.  Maybe your spouse claims to want the same.  Maybe your spouse just doesn't respond much at all.  A little conversation... that goes nowhere.  Or attempts at conversation... that go nowhere.  It can feel frustrating and defeating.

How should you understand the situation?

What can you do about it?

Can you make progress?

We discuss these questions (and more) in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES

3 Step Process

3 C's of Doing It

Importance of Connection

When Spouse Can't See A Way

Resentment and Anger

Save The Marriage System

The Connection Compass

Where could your efforts fail?

Those are the failpoints. They can trip you up and make you think nothing will work in your efforts.

But let me be clear.  They are potential failpoints. They are not inevitable.

Failpoints, in engineering, is caused by stress on a particular point. In machines, a particular piece is stressed long enough that it finally gives. It breaks.

In marriage, there are also potential failpoints -- caused by stressors on different points in the relationship.

In this episode, I cover the three big failpoints that you face in your efforts... along with me talking about how to avoid the failpoints.

 

RELATED RESOURCES

My new resource, The Connection Compass

My Save The Marriage System

Podcast episode: 3 Reasons Your Efforts May Fail

Podcast Episode: 4 Failing Fears

When I started this podcast over 10 years ago, I wondered how far we would go. Well, here we are on episode 500, with over 5.25 million downloads to far. And at the same time, I celebrate 58 years on earth. A couple of milestones I wanted to mark, for sure!

Which raises the question from a listener, on what I have learned in life. I’ll share 5 big things I’ve learned in my trips around the sun.

But before I get there, I thought I'd tell you how I got here:  500 episodes of the podcast, a number of books and online courses, and lots of coaching.  How did I end up in this world, in this profession?

And why do I keep at it?  I have long said that my job was to put myself out of business.  It won't happen.  But that is always my goal.  Until then, I'll keep showing up to help people build better marriages and have better lives.

Thank YOU for being part of this journey!

 

RELATED RESOURCES:

My Save The Marriage System

My New Training Resource, The Connection Compass

My Books

The Husband Bootcamp

The Field Guide To Marriage

Let's just say that the bumper sticker, "I used to be cool," has nothing to do with me. I was not cool. I was more the nerdy kid. And to be honest, I'm not sure I have really outgrown that.

In my teen years, I was a magician. My friends were magicians, jugglers, clowns, ventriloquists, and carneys. I even started a magic club at my high school. And no, the cool kids did not show up for it. Ever.

But I will tell you one thing about magic:  it taught me a ton of life lessons... and a ton of psychology! I still recall those lessons to this day.

I probably learned more about humans and perception in my performing than I ever did in my psychology courses. I also learned lessons of perseverance and practice. That is the only way to master sleight of hand. I still rely on that to this day.

Which is why I am always interested when people ask me about the "trick" to saving their marriage. They want some little technique, some "sleight of mind" that will shift their spouse.

But more than that, there are some other lessons from magic that I watch play out. For example, people can come up with the most complex idea about how to do something. They complicate some simple things... in magic tricks and in life. And particularly in marriages.

In this Save The Marriage Podcast episode, we discuss the problems people create in their attempts to find the trick to saving their marriage.

 

 

RELATED RESOURCES:

My new free resource, The Connection Compass

My Save The Marriage System

My books

A training on The Dangers of  the Shortcut

Sometimes, just a hint or trick will do it.  Maybe you want a trick or hint for an online game.  Or even a trick for a better pancake.  A hint for a better pushup.

But hints and tricks won’t work for saving a marriage.

Which is what I try to explain when I get the daily emails and voicemails, just asking for a hint or trick.  Nothing wrong with asking.  But the answer is, “you need more than a hint or trick.  You need an approach.  You need a system.”

But you also need a starting point, a way to get beyond the stuck point.  Most people just don’t know how to start, so they start with hints and tricks.  And then they realize there is more to this, more to the crisis.

When people tell me that they had a great marriage “until a week/month/year/___ time period ago, when ___________ happened,” they are missing that the seeds of the crisis were planted long before.

And that is why we need to fix the underlying issues, address the underlying problems, and rebuild in a sustainable way… for a long-term marriage.

In this episode of the podcast, I use the acronym from Gay Hendricks of FACT.  We will FACT out your marriage crisis and get you moving forward.

Pay attention to the choice of path (3 W’s), and your action plan (3 C’s) in order to make a real shift as you face the FACTs of your crisis.

RELATED RESOURCES

Connection is Vital

You Need a Plan

3 C Approach

3 Levels of Connection

Save The Marriage System

The Connection Compass

Your marriage is in trouble, and you know you need help. But what type of help?  And how do you know if it is the right help for your marriage?  Tough question.  And I can't answer it.

But I can help you get the answer.

I created a guide to help you find the best help, whether it is therapy, coaching, a retreat or workshop, or an online course.  I tell you the pros and cons of each, along with the ways to find the right fit for you and your spouse.

In this podcast, I do tell you how to grab that resource.  But more importantly, I tell you about four big mistakes people make... even before they get started with getting help.  These mistakes can cost you the possibility of even utilizing help.  At the very least, they make the process more difficult, and they make your spouse even more resistant.

Let's cover the mistakes and get my report to you, so that you can find, get, and use the best help in saving your marriage.

Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES

Are You Helping or Hurting

Save The Marriage System

The Connection Compass - join for free to get the special report