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The Topical
The Topical episodes
- Congress Investigating Why Capitol Dome’s Atomic Vaporizing Ray Wasn’t Deployed To Eviscerate Rioters
Hear why Congress is still looking for answers as to why this crucial defense system wasn’t used to melt rioters’ eyeballs right out of their skulls and incinerate their bodies instantly.
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9 min - UFC Announces Their Athletes Will Now Be Allowed To Fight Each Other Through The Court Of Law
We have everything you need to know ahead of this weekend’s big legal battle.
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9 min - Secret Service Agent Heroically Dives In Front Of Strong Breeze That Could Have Killed Biden
Hear why authorities are now questioning how this 10 to 15 mph gust was able to get so close to the 78-year-old president in the first place.
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9 min - Biden Announces Nation Will Rejoin Paris Hilton Fan Club
For the first time since 2016, the U.S. will join over 188 other nations in celebrating the career of the esteemed businesswoman-slash-model-slash-singer-slash-actress.
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9 min - New Erectile Dysfunction Startup Sends Ripped, Virile Man Directly To Your Door To Bang Your Spouse
It’s called Inuus, and it promises to keep your partner sexually satisfied by sending a discreet, medically certified sex god straight to your home.
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7 min - Exhausted Researchers Inform Public Covid Vaccine Won’t Shrink You Down To Size Of Ant
Hear why millions of Americans remain concerned that taking the vaccine could shrink them down to a size so small they would need to fight off mice with a toothpick.
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8 min - Animal Shelter’s Free Adoption Day Not Even That Good Of Deal
Hear why consumer advocates are warning that falling for this blatant con job could end up costing you hundreds in food and toys, as well as hours of your valuable free time.
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7 min - Shocked Authorities Discover Dozens Of Bodies Being Kept In Hospital Morgue
Hear why detectives believe it could be the work of a serial killer.
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10 min - Majority Of Young Children Go Missing The Moment Parent Turns Attention Toward Themself For One Goddamn Second
Hear why 9 out of every 10 children go missing as soon as a mother or father chooses to focus on something that isn’t about their kids, like eating or showering or briefly sitting in a chair for the first time all day.
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7 min - Report: Leading Cause Of Death Still Venturing Beyond The Pines
Nearly 2.3 million Americans die each year from wandering into the ethereal black pine forest. Hear how you can heed the warnings of grizzled woodsmen and lonely widowers to keep from succumbing to alluring calls from beyond the trees.
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8 min
About The Topical
From the publisher's feed
The Topical is the daily podcast from The Onion and Onion Public Radio, and the only podcast brave enough to ask: What if the news had sound effects? Join host Leslie Price each day as he barely…
scratches the surface of all the day’s top news stories. Journalism isn’t dead. It's using its dying breath to beg you to listen to The Topical. New episodes published every weekday by 5 a.m. Eastern time.
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