Tony explains "Doomscrolling," or when one feels like they can't break loose from continually scrolling through newsfeeds, or social media despite the fact that the more one scrolls, the worse one feels. Tony references the article "Understanding Doomscrolling," by Simone Scully https://psychcentral.com/anxiety/what-is-doomscrolling#tips-to-stop

Visit http://tonyoverbay.com/workshop to sign up for Tony’s “Magnetize Your Marriage” virtual workshop. The cost is only $19, and you’ll learn the top 3 things you can do NOW to create a Magnetic Marriage. 

With the continuing "sheltering" rules spreading across the country, PLEASE do not think you can't continue or begin therapy now. http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch can put you quickly in touch with licensed mental health professionals who can meet through text, email, or videoconference often as soon as 24-48 hours. And if you use the link http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch, you will receive 10% off your first month of services. Please make your mental health a priority, http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch offers affordable counseling, and they even have sliding scale options if your budget is tight.

You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit http://tonyoverbay.com and signing up to receive updates on upcoming programs and podcasts.

Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript, click here https://descript.com?lmref=bSWcEQ

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[00:00:22] Hey, everybody, welcome to the virtual couch. My name is Tony OVERBY. This is episode number 323. I did that all backwards, but I still am a licensed marriage and family therapist and continuing by popular demand. If you go to Tony over Baker workshop, I have an hour and a half marriage communication workshop where I talk about how we show up in relationships, the fact that just being part of the human race, you are emotionally immature coming out of your childhood and your adolescence, and all of a sudden we meet somebody and we just want to get it right. We have this these deep seated abandonment fears or wounds. And so we're trying to show up in a relationship and make sure that we don't mess it up. And then over the process of relationships, life happens. We we get jobs, we have kids, people get sick. We have to move. We have financial pressures. And that's when we realize we are two different people in this relationship with two completely different experiences growing up. Even if during the courtship and early on in our relationship, we felt like everything was so easy. And it's easy because you're, quite frankly, you're not dealing with a whole lot of things right out of the gate. I mean, you're dealing with the things that newlyweds or people early in a relationship deal with. But when stuff starts to go down, when stuff starts to happen in your life, that's when you find out, Oh, we have different opinions and it is so normal, so natural to not truly know how to effectively communicate.

[00:01:39] And if you are the person that feels like, no, my marriage is a breeze, like this has been a piece of cake. Does your spouse have a voice? Do you truly understand and know them or do you feel like, of course I know what they're thinking because if you do, that may mean that they don't feel like they are able to express themselves because you are often probably telling them, No, that's not what you mean. No, I know. I know you better than yourself or that's not what I meant. Or anyway, I could go on and on. I love that stuff so much. I think you owe it to yourself. There's a dramatic term to go to Tony over Macomb Workshop. There is a small fee, $19 to get that workshop,

The pain of the narcissistic "discard" can at times feel unbearable. And for many, it seems that the harder you work to try and make sense of the discard, the more it hurts. But getting to a genuine acceptance doesn't even feel like it is on the radar. Tony digs deeper into how we show up in relationships as emotionally immature, both parties, with an almost unspoken agreement that we will mature together. But what happens when one person isn't aware that the goal is to become more emotionally secure, stable, and less controlling? The harder the partner tries to find themselves, the more complex the relationship becomes until, ultimately, the narcissist appears to move on at an incredibly rapid pace, leaving you feeling like your relationship and your life up to that point didn't matter. Tony refers to the article "What is Narcissistic Discard" by Sanjana Gupta https://www.verywellmind.com/narcissistic-discard-causes-impact-and-coping-strategies-5218979

Go to http://tonyoverbay.com/workshop to sign up for Tony’s “Magnetize Your Marriage” virtual workshop. The cost is only $19. You’ll learn the top 3 things you can do NOW to create a Magnetic Marriage. 

With the continuing "sheltering" rules spreading across the country, PLEASE do not think you can't continue or begin therapy now. http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch can put you quickly in touch with licensed mental health professionals who can meet through text, email, or videoconference often as soon as 24-48 hours. And if you use the link http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch, you will receive 10% off your first month of services. Please make your mental health a priority, http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch offers affordable counseling, and they even have sliding scale options if your budget is tight.

You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit http://tonyoverbay.com and sign up to receive updates on upcoming programs and podcasts.

Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript, click here https://descript.com?lmref=bSWcEQ

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[00:00:10] Hey, everybody, welcome to episode. I'm going to say 34 if there's a pause right here and you hear a robotic voice that says a different number, then, then I got that one wrong. But we're going to go with episode 34 of waking up to Narcissism. I am your host, Tony Overbay. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist and also host of the Virtual Couch podcast. And I am I am I am so grateful to be here today. We're going to talk about a topic that we've talked about a couple of times already, but it is something that just comes up over and over again, whether it's in the private women's Facebook group that that I that is just becoming such a powerful force for good. So if you're interested in that, you can reach out through the emails or people that I'm working with in my office. And again, just because I talk about that private women's Facebook group that I work with, men who the woman is, the emotionally immature, narcissistic person in the relationship, I want to be very clear about that. So what I'm going to talk about today is the narcissistic discard, and the discard happens to whoever that is that is discarded when a relationship with a narcissist or an emotionally immature person ends and that discard hurts. It is a deep, deep wounding that we've talked about leads to this concept of pathological loneliness. And if you haven't listened to that episode, it's a couple episodes back.

[00:01:20] Please go find that one. I talk a lot about the work of Ross Rosenberg and his self love deficit disorder, which is a redefining of the concept of codependency.

VC Sorry-2022-05-26.mp3

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[00:00:15] Come on and take a seat. I will hurt you.

[00:00:21] Hey, everybody, welcome to this episode of The Virtual Couch. I'm your host, Tony Overbay. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist. And let's let's get right to it. I am going to talk today about rejection. How often do you feel rejection and have you ever had that sense where you are going into a conversation with somebody, particularly somebody that you care for and you almost have this anticipatory rejection. So we're going to talk about something called rejection sensitive dysphoria. And boy, today is going to be a day of tangents, I can already tell you that, because this this has been a topic that I've wanted to talk about for quite a while. And there is a new book out called ADHD 2.0 that I it's one of the first books I think I have listened to, finished it and gone back and started again because I typically just I don't like watching movies the second time or shows the second time or reading books the second time this one spoke to me. I mean, this this just it validates my own experience with ADHD and the authors, Edward Hallowell and John, I think it's right or ratty both doctors. I think they said this is their seventh book that they've written about ADHD. And their book Driven to Distraction was one that I talked often about when I first did two or three parts on my own ADHD, Awakening or awareness back in the episodes around 150 or somewhere around there.

[00:01:39] And the more that I think that that I talk about it, the more feedback that I get from other people that, you know, it's that concept where I think sometimes we're almost embarrassed that we may, heaven forbid, we have something different. I was going to say wrong about us, but a way that we show up or present that might be something like ADHD or depression, anxiety, that sort of thing. And we feel like we have to hide that. And the more that we talk about it and get that out into the zeitgeist or conversation with people, you start to find out that we all have some things that that we have challenges with and there is some comfort numbers or there's validation and hearing that other people struggle with similar things to. And so in reading ADHD 2.0, which I want to, I'll just do a deep dove on the book in general at some point. But there the authors list these they call them paradoxical traits of ADHD. And that section alone is just fascinating because you think of ADHD is this thing of deficit or hyperactivity, but they talk about that. The paradox of of ADHD is that know I'm going to read that right here. They talk about how you can have an unexplained underachievement. The person simply isn't doing as well as they they their innate talent or their brainpower warrant. And there isn't an obvious explanation. So they talk about paradoxical tendencies.

[00:03:00] And I think that they I love where they lay out this concept early on. They say it helps to think of ADHD as a complex set of contradictory or paradoxical tendencies, a lack of focus combined with an ability to super focus, a lack of direction combined with highly directed entrepreneurial ism, a tendency to procrastinate combined with a knack for getting a week's worth of work done in 2 hours. Impulsive, wrongheaded decision making combined with intuitive out of the blue problem solving interpersonal cluelessness combined with an uncanny intuition and deep empathy. And he said, The list goes on. And so then they go through more of the, the formal signs of ADHD that they talk about. You might see in a clinical setting, unexplained underachievement, a wandering mind and trouble organizing and planning. So far I'm checking all these boxes, but also a high degree of creativity and imagination. Trouble with time management tend to tendency to procrastinate strong will stubbornness,

If you've ever been on the receiving end of gaslighting, you've probably wondered "does this person honestly believe what they are saying right now? Because they seem SO certain that it makes me question my own reality...even about something I KNOW is true!" As with all things narcissistic, there is definitely a spectrum and a lot of variables at play, but understanding "narcissistic confabulation," will definitely help make some sense of what often seems nonsensical. Tony quotes the abstract in the article Dissociation and Confabulation in Narcissistic Disorders by Sam Vaknin https://www.heraldopenaccess.us/openaccess/dissociation-and-confabulation-in-narcissistic-disorders

Go to http://tonyoverbay.com/workshop to sign up for Tony’s “Magnetize Your Marriage” virtual workshop. The cost is only $19. You’ll learn the top 3 things you can do NOW to create a Magnetic Marriage. 

With the continuing "sheltering" rules spreading across the country, PLEASE do not think you can't continue or begin therapy now. http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch can put you quickly in touch with licensed mental health professionals who can meet through text, email, or videoconference often as soon as 24-48 hours. And if you use the link http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch, you will receive 10% off your first month of services. Please make your mental health a priority, http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch offers affordable counseling, and they even have sliding scale options if your budget is tight.

You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit http://tonyoverbay.com and sign up to receive updates on upcoming programs and podcasts.

Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript, click here https://descript.com?lmref=bSWcEQ

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WUTN understand-2022-05-20.mp3

[00:00:07] Hey everybody, welcome to episode 33 of Waking Up to Narcissism. I am your host, Tony Overbay. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist and also host of the Virtual Couch podcast. And today we're going to talk about a concept called confabulation and what I love about learning about this space, working with people with narcissistic traits and tendencies, or those who are in relationships with those who are emotionally immature or those who are waking up to their own emotional immaturity, you name it, fill in the blank. But it is when you can find a term or a story or an example that really resonates or that really hits home. And I feel like this concept of confabulation is one of those. And it's something that although I like to think that I've been doing this for quite a while and working with this population for a long time, this was new to me. And let me just jump right into an article by Psych Central, and then we've got some really fascinating emails, examples from my women's group that I think will bring home this concept of confabulation. But the Psych Central article is written by Sherry Stein. She's got a side, a doctorate in psychology, and it's called Coping with Narcissistic Confabulation. So let me jump right in here. She starts by saying, I looked up the word confabulation in the dictionary and it defined as a memory disorder, affecting a person's ability to remember facts accurately without an intent to deceive.

[00:01:22] So there's a little bit of a catch there and we'll talk about that as we move along today. But she said that confabulation involves misinterpreted or misrepresented memories, where the confabulation is stating the recollection of events with a distorted or here we go, a completely false account of what actually occurred. Because I find this so often when people are in relationships with narcissistic individuals...

Why do we often default to shame? Tony Overbay, LMFT, often says that in working with individuals trying to overcome addiction or trying to be the very best version of themselves, exactly 0 out of a few thousand people he has worked with have used shame as a tool for recovery. Yet when we stop and let our thoughts take over, they often go back to the "what's wrong with me, I'm a bad person" story. Today Tony identifies the root causes of shame, why it doesn't help, and what to do when you find yourself heading down that path of toxic shame. Tony also shares the metaphor of the unwelcome neighbor, and he references Compassion Focused Therapy https://welldoing.org/types/compassion-focused-therapy

http://tonyoverbay.com/workshop to sign up for Tony’s “Magnetize Your Marriage” virtual workshop. The cost is only $19, and you’ll learn the top 3 things you can do NOW to create a Magnetic Marriage. 

With the continuing "sheltering" rules spreading across the country, PLEASE do not think you can't continue or begin therapy now. http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch can put you quickly in touch with licensed mental health professionals who can meet through text, email, or videoconference often as soon as 24-48 hours. And if you use the link http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch, you will receive 10% off your first month of services. Please make your mental health a priority, http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch offers affordable counseling, and they even have sliding scale options if your budget is tight.

You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit http://tonyoverbay.com and sign up to receive updates on upcoming programs and podcasts.

Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript, click here https://descript.com?lmref=bSWcEQ

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[00:00:00] So imagine that you have a new house and you've invited all the neighbors over to a housewarming party. Everybody in the whole neighborhood is invited. You even put signs up all over the place that you are having the biggest housewarming party that you could ever imagine. So all the neighbors show up and the party is going great. But then here comes Joe the bum. He lives behind the supermarket. He lives in this trash dumpster. Everybody's familiar with Joe. They kind of avoid him because he's kind of stinky, smelly. And you think, Oh, man, why did he show up? But then you admit to yourself, you did say on the sign, literally, everybody is welcome. So can you see that it's possible for you to welcome him and really fully do that without liking that he's here? Because you can welcome him even though you don't think well of him and you don't have to like him. You don't have to like the way he smells or his lifestyle or his clothing. And you might even be embarrassed about the way he's dipping his hands into the punchbowl and drinking from his fists or what he's doing to the finger sandwiches. Your opinion of him, your evaluation of him is absolutely distinct from your willingness to have him as a guest in your home. Now, you could also decide that even though you said everybody was welcome, in reality, Joe is not welcome. But as soon as you do that, then the whole party changes and now you have to be at the front of the house and you're guarding the door so that you can't come back in and you're spending most of your time telling your people, I don't know why he's here.

[00:01:17] I don't want him in the do you guys or if you say, okay, you're welcome, but you don't really mean it, you only mean that he's welcome. As long as he stays in the kitchen and he doesn't mingle with the other guests, then you're going to have to be constantly on guard and making him do that...

Tony takes excerpts from David Foster Wallace's "This Is Water," Kenyon College commencement speech to discuss the need to step outside of our own ego, and experience, in order to understand others https://fs.blog/david-foster-wallace-this-is-water/ He then discusses Russ Harris's ACT metaphor "Donkeys, Carrots and Sticks" to talk about using love, or coercion to get our needs met/motivate others. https://thehappinesstrap.com/donkeys-carrots-sticks/

Go to http://tonyoverbay.com/workshop to sign up for Tony’s “Magnetize Your Marriage” virtual workshop. The cost is only $19. You’ll learn the top 3 things you can do NOW to create a Magnetic Marriage. 

With the continuing "sheltering" rules spreading across the country, PLEASE do not think you can't continue or begin therapy now. http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch can put you quickly in touch with licensed mental health professionals who can meet through text, email, or videoconference often as soon as 24-48 hours. And if you use the link http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch, you will receive 10% off your first month of services. Please make your mental health a priority, http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch offers affordable counseling, and they even have sliding scale options if your budget is tight.

You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit http://tonyoverbay.com and sign up to receive updates on upcoming programs and podcasts.

Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript, click here https://descript.com?lmref=bSWcEQ

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[00:00:07] Hey everybody, welcome to episode 32 of Waking Up to Narcissism. I am your host, Tony Overbay. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist and host of the Virtual Couch Podcast. And by way of quick announcement, you can go to Tony Overbay workshop and you can still have access to a marriage workshop that I filmed a couple of weeks ago. It's a virtual workshop, and in that workshop I do go through what a relationship could look like in a knot. Not saying in a perfect world, in an ideal world. But I really believe as a marriage therapist doing this for a long time, it's the we don't know what we don't know concept. So I lay out all of the attachment and abandonment issues and moving forward into this concept of being codependent somewhat and enmeshed. And then that path of what it looks like to find yourself in a relationship and how to differentiate how to become your own person and be autonomous. And I just threw out all of the therapy buzzwords, but they are absolutely real concepts and they are concepts that I really feel like we don't even know what we don't know. We don't even understand what a real relationship or a healthy relationship, what a healthy relationship can look like if we never saw it modeled and if we've never been able to go get help, go to counseling, have a partner that is supportive or on board. And so for this audience, for the waking up, the narcissism audience, I really feel like the workshop is there just to let you know what what you deserve in a relationship and what it can look like to be two unique autonomous individuals coming into a relationship with their own experiences, going from emotionally immature to emotionally mature and then seeing, Oh my gosh, that would be amazing to feel like I am heard and seen and understood and that my opinion matters.

[00:01:47] And then how exciting, how magnetic that would be to then be going through life with this vibe of curiosity with each other and not being told that I'm crazy or that why would you say that or that? My opinion doesn't matter. So anyway, that's a Tony over Baker slash workshop and then at Toni over Baker Magn...

Nate Christensen, APCC and host of the Working Change podcast, joins Tony to discuss "Dopamine Nation, Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence" by Anna Lembke https://www.amazon.com/Dopamine-Nation-Finding-Balance-Indulgence-ebook/dp/B08KPKHVXQ/

Tony and Preston Pugmire are getting ready to launch another round of their popular Magnetic Marriage course! Go to http://tonyoverbay.com/magnetic to get on the waitlist.

Go to http://tonyoverbay.com/workshop to sign up for Tony’s “Magnetize Your Marriage” virtual workshop. The cost is only $19. You’ll learn the top 3 things you can do NOW to create a Magnetic Marriage. 

With the continuing "sheltering" rules spreading across the country, PLEASE do not think you can't continue or begin therapy now. http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch can put you quickly in touch with licensed mental health professionals who can meet through text, email, or videoconference often as soon as 24-48 hours. And if you use the link http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch, you will receive 10% off your first month of services. Please make your mental health a priority, http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch offers affordable counseling, and they even have sliding scale options if your budget is tight.

You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit http://tonyoverbay.com and sign up to receive updates on upcoming programs and podcasts.

Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript, click here https://descript.com?lmref=bSWcEQ

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[00:00:15] Come on in. Take a seat. I will hurt you.

[00:00:22] Hey, everybody, welcome to Episode 320 of the Virtual Couch. I am your host, Tony Overbay. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist, certified mindful habit coach, writer, secret husband and father of four man. Nate, I want to get to the part where I'm an ultra marathon runner. It's been three or four years since I ran an ultra marathon, so analyze that. Can I say that anymore?

[00:00:41] I mean, you did it.

[00:00:43] Okay? You mean I have I am an ultra marathon runner. I am not currently running ultramarathons. Yeah. So maybe that's my imposter syndrome, is it? Maybe. But wait. Welcome, Nate Christiansen. Boy, that's a way to get into the intro to your.

[00:00:57] Fifth.

[00:00:59] Episode three on the virtual couch, one on waking up the narcissism. And is this your fourth on the virtual couch?

[00:01:05] Sounds about.

[00:01:06] Right. Okay. So when you get to five on the virtual couch, I give you a new hat. Really? Yeah. Yeah. So we're getting close. I'm really excited. I know. Right. Welcome, though. And before we get started, this is episode 320. And I am I love having Nate on. We're doing something a little bit different. Did we come up with an official name? Is this Nate and Tony's book club, or was that just something we were kicking around?

[00:01:24] I don't know. That sounds pretty.

[00:01:25] Good. Okay, it does. So, Nate, what I love about this kind of an episode is by Nate and Tony's book club. Nate reads the book, and then Tony hears Nate talk about book, and Tony talks about Nate talking about book.

[00:01:36] So it's that's really cool. That's like.

[00:01:39] It is, but it's so good for me because you like reading books and I like hearing people talk about reading books. So I think it's a match made in heaven. And before we get to that, I will encourage anyone to go to. I have two different links that I want to I want to talk about. One is I did a marriage workshop a few weeks ago and it is behind a very small paywall. $19. And I will refund your money so fast if you get nothing out of it. But it is at Tony Overstock.

What is the difference between influence, control, and love? Is there room in a relationship to influence your partner, or do you simply need to let them be? Tony takes a few pages from Dr. Russ Harris's book ACT Made Simple https://www.amazon.com/ACT-Made-Simple-Easy-Read/dp/1684033012/ to discuss the role, in healthy relationships, of influence.

Tony and Preston Pugmire are getting ready to launch another round of their popular Magnetic Marriage course! Go to http://tonyoverbay.com/magnetic to get on the waitlist.

Go to http://tonyoverbay.com/workshop to sign up for Tony’s “Magnetize Your Marriage” virtual workshop. The cost is only $19. You’ll learn the top 3 things you can do NOW to create a Magnetic Marriage. 

With the continuing "sheltering" rules spreading across the country, PLEASE do not think you can't continue or begin therapy now. http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch can put you quickly in touch with licensed mental health professionals who can meet through text, email, or videoconference often as soon as 24-48 hours. And if you use the link http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch, you will receive 10% off your first month of services. Please make your mental health a priority, http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch offers affordable counseling, and they even have sliding scale options if your budget is tight.

You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit http://tonyoverbay.com and sign up to receive updates on upcoming programs and podcasts.

Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript, click here https://descript.com?lmref=bSWcEQ

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[00:00:00] In Dr. Russ Harris's book, The Happiness Trap, he says, I'm guessing you've got a pet donkey to help you carry your goods to the marketplace unless you've upgraded to a camel. Now, what's the best way to motivate your donkey to whip it with a stick or to offer it a carrot? Now, both methods will get your donkey to carry the load for you. But over time, the donkey that is mainly motivated by whipping will get more and more miserable, battered and bruised, whereas the donkey, motivated by carrots, will be healthy and content and, he adds, will have really good night vision. Now, as it happens, humans have a lot in common with donkeys, and he says some more than others. And unfortunately, when we try to motivate other humans to behave the way that we want, we often use far too much stick and nowhere near enough of the carrot. The stick takes many forms. It can include criticizing, judging, demanding, insulting, threatening or intimidating. And it often involves sharing or blaming or evaluating the other person negatively or speaking in harsh words. And then he goes on to say that it also frequently involves deliberately withdrawing things that we know the other person wants, such as affection or caring, warmth, kindness, gratitude, company, or even just someone to listen.

[00:01:12] And he says the technical psychobabble jargon term for using the stick to motivate others is called coercion. We all have a natural tendency to rely on coercion because the fact is it typically works very often when we use coercion with others, we get our needs met. They do what we want them to do. But what effect does coercion have in the long term? How does it affect your relationship with the other person, whether it's your friend, your child, your partner or your employee? And he says the research on this is clear. The more we rely on coercion, the worse the relationship gets, the more coercive the parent, the more stressed and unhappy their child, the more coercive the manager, the more stressed and depressed their employees,

Tony tackles the question he receives the most from listeners, should I stay or should I go? And if I decide to go, when? Plus he discusses what the training of ordinary mice to go through mazes can tell us about ourselves from Vanessa Van Edwards's article "Expectancy Effect: Improve Performance With This Human Behavior Quirk," from https://www.scienceofpeople.com/expectancy-effect/ 

Go to http://tonyoverbay.com/workshop to sign up for Tony’s “Magnetize Your Marriage” virtual workshop. The cost is only $19. You’ll learn the top 3 things you can do NOW to create a Magnetic Marriage. 

With the continuing "sheltering" rules spreading across the country, PLEASE do not think you can't continue or begin therapy now. http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch can put you quickly in touch with licensed mental health professionals who can meet through text, email, or videoconference often as soon as 24-48 hours. And if you use the link http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch, you will receive 10% off your first month of services. Please make your mental health a priority, http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch offers affordable counseling, and they even have sliding scale options if your budget is tight.

You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit http://tonyoverbay.com and sign up to receive updates on upcoming programs and podcasts.

Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript, click here https://descript.com?lmref=bSWcEQ

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WUTN stay or go 2022-04-22.mp3

[00:00:07] Hey, welcome to episode 31 of waking up the Narcissism. I am your host, Tony Overbay. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist and host of the Virtual Couch podcast. And just very quickly, quick item of business. I've been talking about this marriage workshop that I recorded a few weeks ago, and now you can go to Tony over Baker slash workshop. And I really do lay out what the tools are to try and have a connected conversation, what it means to be differentiated, what it looks like to be two autonomous, interdependent people in a relationship, and how that relationship could actually thrive. And I say this on this podcast, on the virtual couch, I'm talking about marriage therapy, I'm talking about all things mental health. But on this one, I again, I want you to know that there's a part of me that says, all right, am I is that wrong of me to say, hey, here's a marriage workshop? Because there's a potential that in a narcissistic relationship, your spouse will then use that against you? Well, you're not doing any of these things. But my point, this is absolutely not anything that you need to watch or take or do with your spouse, which sounds so crazy as a marriage therapist. But I really feel like the purpose of this workshop that I put on was to let people even know what a healthy relationship looks like from somebody that's worked with well over 1000 couples over the last 17, 18 years.

[00:01:19] So that is me stepping into my healthy ego and saying that I understand we don't have the tools in a relationship when we get in a relationship simply because we don't. Those aren't the tools that come from the factory. So when I sometimes talk about the destination and the destination is, can you imagine yourself in this healthy relationship where you're two autonomous people with your own hopes and dreams and desires, and you go through life looking at everything with curiosity and you're able to stand in your own calm, confident energy. I know that I feel like somebody saying, Where's the unicorn? Where's the pot of gold? And I understand that I just put this workshop on. It's about an hour to 90 minutes so that people will just have an idea,...

Is it better to try and think your way out of, or through your problems or are you only making things worse? How can simply acknowledging your issues, and looking at them with curiosity actually help? Tony discusses the article, “How Analyzing Your Problems May Be Counterproductive,” by Ray Williams https://contextualscience.org/node/4935

Go to http://tonyoverbay.com/workshop to sign up for Tony’s “Magnetize Your Marriage” virtual workshop. The cost is only $19. You’ll learn the top 3 things you can do NOW to create a Magnetic Marriage. 

With the continuing "sheltering" rules spreading across the country, PLEASE do not think you can't continue or begin therapy now. http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch can put you quickly in touch with licensed mental health professionals who can meet through text, email, or videoconference often as soon as 24-48 hours. And if you use the link http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch, you will receive 10% off your first month of services. Please make your mental health a priority, http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch offers affordable counseling, and they even have sliding scale options if your budget is tight.

You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit http://tonyoverbay.com and sign up to receive updates on upcoming programs and podcasts.

Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript, click here https://descript.com?lmref=bSWcEQ

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[00:00:00] Last week I mentioned that I left my AirPods at a motel in Rexburg, Idaho, and I am now using a new pair. But I cannot lie. I find myself pulling up my old AirPods a couple of times a day to see what they're up to. I mark them on, find my phone as lost, but they are most definitely being used. They are not lost. The funny thing is that I had the case custom engraved. It literally says Virtual Couch Podcast and my name. So as I'm recording this, I guess I sort of hope that the person keeping them for me right now is listening. And if they are, I really did mean to try and clean off the earwax that has built up around those silicone ear tip things. And that is absolutely my bad. I will take ownership and accountability of that. But why do I keep watching them? I purchase new ones. And again, to the person that may be using them right now, my kids will will eat again next week and it's almost summer. Who needs soles on their shoes anyway, right? But I'm kidding. I know that continually checking and wondering and ruminating, it really doesn't help me pretty much in any way, shape or form. And speaking of wondering and ruminating, how often do we find ourselves trying to psychoanalyze why we did something that perhaps we aren't very proud of? Or why did my spouse not tell me that they were unhappy? Or Why did my partner engage in an emotional or a physical affair? So why do you think she did that? That is a question that I was asked three different times yesterday, literally in my office, followed closely by, well, why do you think he did that? Being asked two different times.

[00:01:24] And then receiving the bronze medal in therapy yesterday was, Well, why do you think that I did that? So we really do want to make sense of things. We want to try to figure things out. We want to fix, we want to solve and bless our little pink, squishy hearts. If that isn't just the most adorable thing, because in all honesty, we're trying to figure out why someone else did something without being them and without having their lifetime of experiences. That, in essence, led them to do whatever they did, whatever that is. But just trying to figure everything out, trying to understand why somebody did something or why we keep doing what...