So the transition from just the two of you into a family is a big one! I know when we were wondering about starting a family it was really challenging to try to think through all the things one should be aware of. Well, we want to take away some of the mystery today and help you make an informed, prepared decision so that you can move into this new phase of marriage with greater confidence and awareness of what lays ahead.

It’s Common Not to Feel Ready

Actually, less than half (44%) of couples expecting their first child feel ready for becoming a parent. And then once the child is born, the number who feel totally prepared and confident drops to 18%[i]. Meaning that lots of the couples were wrong when they thought they were ready!

To me, this is kind of like me getting on a roller coaster. I feel a lot of uncertainty and then as we go up the hill of pregnancy it gets scarier and scarier and then you have the baby and it’s like, “Woah, this is way scarier than I thought!” But that’s just me — I wasn’t a huge baby or kid person before we got married and so really felt like I was figuring that whole thing out from scratch.

I think it’s good to mention this just so that we normalize the fact that most of us feel unprepared but we still end up doing just fine. Maybe there are others listening today and they feel ready and that’s great too. So we are not here to scare anyone off but just to come alongside you and say that it’s normal to have some butterflies and encourage you through this part of your journey.

There are a number of things to consider and I think it’s important to talk through these with your spouse and just connect at that deeper level as you talk about your fears, uncertainties, and doubts. That will strengthen your bond as you come to this new phase of life.

Common Challenges When Becoming a Parent

No doubt about it: having kids is tough. Almost all couples with newborn babies experience challenges such as[ii]:

Sleep deprivation

Dealing with the child's feeding, crying and sleeping difficulties

Reduced time for yourself and for other responsibilities

Reduced ability to leave the house and see other people (especially for the mother)

Financial costs around new clothes, feeding, setting up the baby's room, etc.

Additionally, a significant minority of parents (20%) have to deal with more severe sleep or feeding difficulties which can put even more strain on them. In some parents, this leads to high levels of stress and reduced mental health. Around 22% of new parents show some symptoms of depression and 15% show symptoms of anxiety[iii]. Again, we’re not trying to worry you here. Just be aware that if you’re finding the transition to parenthood difficult, you definitely aren’t alone.

How Babies Impact Life and Marital Satisfaction

So let’s look at how parenthood impacts your marriage and your life overall. Research typically finds that day to day life satisfaction is reduced in the first years of parenting, due to having more demands, less free time, etc[iv]. Marital satisfaction can also decrease, due to having less time together, higher stress levels, and reduced sex[v]. So there is a real impact on marriage and we unpacked this in more detail back in episode 51.

However, don’t let this discourage you from moving forward with starting a family! Overall life-satisfaction is almost always increased by becoming a parent: the pleasure and meaning you take from raising kids increases your satisfaction, sense of purpose and feeling of unity with your spouse.

So new parents should expect a short-term drop in their day-to-day quality of life/marriage. But the long-term rewards of becoming a parent normally outweigh the difficulties[vi].

Are You Ready for a Role Change?

Part of transitioning into parenthood then becomes about making sure you are mentally prepared for changes in your roles in life. Where in the past you may have been able to pay a lot of attention...