Thot Topics

By Thot TopicsComedy Society & Culture Music Music Commentary

Thot Topics episodes

December 17, 2021 Pedofeeling It!
Cuz when youuu're-- 15 and somebody tells you they love you, you gotta report themmm...

The girls face the end of the Year of the Ox-- and girl, you know they have to pull the cart, girl. We do a light bit of girly catch-up chitchat before launching into the week's most pressing matters. In what can only be described as an extremely pro-woman episode, we defend a woman's right to hate pornography, a woman's right to fall in love with a teen, and a woman's right to spontaneously grow comically large breasts.

We chat Billie Eilish's anti-porn crusade and the difference between the male relationship to porn and the female relationship to porn-- then formally announce that sex positivity is officially over. Then, we review the new Rebecca Black and Slayyyter collab "Read My Mind," and explain the value of having big tits in your heart rather than on your chest. Lastly, we discuss about the Licorice Pizza review that never was-- and how nobody knows how to do anything except look in the mirror. TRUST US, we get it.

Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and the official pod Twitter @ThotTopicsPod. Be the girls on Patreon.
1 hr 30 min
December 10, 2021 Cis Me, I‘m Guyrish!
I'm twenty-five years old... and I don't know how to gape...

We're back and on schedule! We told you we wouldn't keep you waiting. Hush now-- mommy and mommy are here. This one's a doozy so hold on tight-- keep it ALL tight if you can manage it!

This week, we take some big swings and it's nothing but grand slams babe. First, we pick apart Pitchfork's Top 100 songs of the year and answer all of its unanswerable questions: Who thinks Tinashe is talented? Is Bunny a rider? Who the fuck is Jazmine Sullivan? It's very illuminating.

With the little potatoes out of the way, we can get down to beeswax: we chat about the cis straight guy cast on the new season of Drag Race and take the girls to task about why they're crying while sowing-- after all that REAPING they did!! Then, in what is basically an NPR bit, we talk about the TikTok of the twenty-five year old gay guy who "doesn't know how to date." Why are so many gay guys stuck in high school? Is there really no "I" in monogamy? Will the girls EVER find true love?? All is revealed: especially our holes.

Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and the official pod Twitter @ThotTopicsPod. Subscribe to us on PATREON where we're actually going to start offering monthly bonus episodes! TRUST US-- you don't want to miss it.
1 hr 29 min
December 02, 2021 Perfectomorphs!
OUR coconuts. You will put them in your mouth: right now, right now. (Right now, right now.)

Thot Topics Queens are Thot Topics Fiends-- and Thot Topics fiends get the greens. It's payout time-- we're BACK after an accidental two-week long break! Cris was out of town for a while so naturally we have a LOT of girly catching up to do. So don't expect any actual topics until about an hour in.
LOOSELY, we discuss every gay guy's favorite day of the year: Spotify Wrapped Day! We look back on a pretty shitty year in music and search for highlights. Then, we talk about whether LGBT eating disorder rates have to do with how hot and sexy gay people are-- and more broadly wonder if literally every person alive has an eating disorder?

Lastly, we talk about Jill Biden's geriatric Christmas decorations and plot our takeover of the White House halls.

Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and the official pod Twitter @ThotTopicsPod. Eat your soup on Patreon.
1 hr 15 min
November 12, 2021 Methhead Actors! (feat. River Page)
The girls are BACK after a brief Nick's Birthday sabbatical and we FINALLY address the rumors... YES we are female hackers. YES it is both dangerous and rewarding. YES we wear a tight fitting turtleneck that creates a uniboob. WE EXIST!!!!
This week, we're joined by return guest RIVER PAGE (@river_is_nice) to discuss the news of the moment, and of some moments we missed. First, we finally review Blue Bannisters and wind up shitting on it way more than we expected to. Then: are we embarrassed to be gay? Do gay guys have any political interests other than making sure everyone wants to fuck them? Lastly, we recap Astroworld and get to the ninth circle of the Satanic panic theories swirling around it. It's DELISH!
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC. Bring back my pig on Patreon.
Follow River @river_is_nice and subscribe to his amazing Substack.
1 hr 42 min
October 28, 2021 Sohcahtore It!
We're Billy RePorters and we're hot (or at least a 7) on the scene of the crime!

This week, we dig through their trash heap of a Twitter timeline to find something-- literally ANYTHING-- to talk about. We fuck around for a while first, and in the grand Thot Topics tradition just wind up talking about food and snacks for a good 20 minutes-- topics this week include the BRAT diet, the Mexican BRAT diet, and our favorite candies.

Then it's down to business. We try our very best to defend the math teacher paying homage to the people of the Sohcahtoa tribe, and take a trip down memory lane to recount some of our own high school memories together. Then, we discuss Blizzard Games' decision to change one of the Overwatch heroes names to fight workplace harassment-- and wonder what the final solution to workplace harassment *actually* is. (We think we came up with a pretty good idea actually!) Last but not least, we talk about Billy Porter's claim that he invited being a man in a dress, and psychoanalyze the gay male need to be liked.

Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and the official pod Twitter @ThotTopicsPod. Sohcahtell us you love us on Patreon.
1 hr 21 min
October 18, 2021 Verynormal Cracktivity!
What's up you fuckin' stupid alien? Pop a squat with us and crack open a fresh copy of the Bitchkiker's Guide to the Galaxy-- there's much to explore, and SO little time...
This week, the girls get a little sidetracked talking about their personal journeys as their dreaded first-ever mid-twenties birthday approaches. What's acceptable to do in your twenties that must now be left behind? Is "weight loss" an elaborate lie constructed by deluded skinny people with genetics on their side?
But then it's down to business: we, like, KIND OF review the new Adele single but mostly review her face. Then, we talk about Demi Lovato's declaration that "alien" is a derogatory term for the extra-terrestrial, and whether or not "right wing" artists are capable of creating good art. These points are all mostly a thematic backdrop for us to talk about ourselves: have we ever had a supernatural experience? What's scarier: the ocean, or space? Can anyone help me squeeze my freakin' boobs into this top!?! ALL is revealed.
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and the official pod Twitter @ThotTopicsPod. Can you help us find the love? We think we lost it somewhere on Patreon.

1 hr 35 min
October 07, 2021 The Dick, The S**t, and the Wardrobe!
In perhaps our most Cronenbergian episode of all time, we do a little bit of body-ody-ody horror as a treat. In an extravaganza of all things fecal, urinal, and genital, we skinny dip in the wet primordial ooze of human experience wearing nothing but a white crop top-- and emerge, nipples protruding.
This week, we talk about Meghan Trainor taking a shit adjacent to her husband-- and do an exposé on our own horror about bodily functions. What's the most compromising position it's OK for your partner to see you in? Is it *ever* okay to shit in the company of others? Should we de-normalize shitting?
Plus, we talk about the controversial Pitchfork rescores and the state of music criticism. And that's NOT all, if you can freakin' believe it-- we also talk about the rising phenomenon of gay guys wanting to protect the sanctity of butt sex-- by taking aim at the elusive trans gay guy. How do so many gay guys exist that don't have a place in functional society? What entitles someone to claim being a man? Is *dick* what makes people gay?
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and the official pod Twitter @ThotTopicsPod. Send us to psychoanalysis for our shit fear on Patreon.
1 hr 28 min
October 01, 2021 Top 10 Gay Little Monkey Moments!
All aboard the Witness Wagon, and buckle up tight, cuz it's gonna be a BUMP-y ride...
It was a slow news week so the girls usher in October with a little bit of sisterly competition-- a definitive tier ranking of the female pop albums of the 2010's. This is our bread and fucking butter right here, so you DON'T want to miss it. We rank the girls of yesteryear based on quality, impact, and the Thot Topics "it" factor: namely, whether or not we can confidently say they "tore."
Patrons have access to watch along via screen recording. Subscribe now!
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and the official pod Twitter @ThotTopicsPod.
1 hr 21 min
September 22, 2021 Rona Reloaded!
We're in the HIV Lane, we're in the HIV Lane, and YOU! Y-Y-YOU! Y-Y-YOU! SOUL TRAIN!

In a classic men-in-women's-business bonanza, the girls take a thrilling deep dive into fashion, fascists, and faggots! We review some of the looks from the Met Gala and wonder if next year should be the Het Gala so Dan Levy can't come; Nicki Minaj's fated run-in with the deep state and the heinous liberal media; and Lil Nas X's surprisingly OK debut album.

Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and the official pod Twitter @ThotTopicsPod. Don't be roman retarded and subscribe on Patreon.
1 hr 26 min
September 10, 2021 Peekaboo, ICU!
We require the clues, Steven… Deliver us the clues so we may feed…

Well girls, it’s just ME and YOU and MY DOG BLUE as we traverse the rocky terrain of culture once again. This week, we cover the new Lana track “Arcadia” and wonder if she is seeing everybody she knows as a car— plus give our thoughts on the Blue Banisters era overall. Then, we talk the Troye Sivan cum-back single “Angel Baby,” and try desperately to think of who might enjoy it.

But that’s not all— we invite the OG Steve from Blues Clues into our home like he’s a vampire and allow him to trauma bond with us as we discuss Adult Toddler Syndrome. Last but not least we talk about Jimmy Fallon saying that unvaccinated people shouldn’t get ICU beds, and wonder who ELSE might not be entitled.

Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOYand @YOURE2BASIC, and the official pod Twitter @ThotTopicsPod. Run your hands over us like a Land Rover on Patreon.
1 hr 29 min

About Thot Topics

From the publisher's feed

Thot Topics is a podcast with the bravery to stare into the void and ask God’s question: ”Do I look fat in these jeans?” Every week, Nick Malone and Cris Lopez slow-motion dive into music, culture,…