Transformational Leadership: From the Insight Out

How do you know when it’s best to quit a relationship? Unfortunately, many people find themselves in codependent relationships that undermine their self-worth, value, and happiness. This episode will give you tools to determine whether you are in a codependent relationship as well as how to decide whether you can work through it with the other person or if it is best to leave. 

Transformation Tip: “The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much and forgetting that you are special too.” - Earnest Hemingway

How do you know when it’s best to quit a relationship or when it’s best to adjust?

Codependent relationships are a form of addiction. This is when you are dependent on another person for your value, self-worth, happiness, etc.

How do I know if I’m in a codependent relationship?

• Savior mentality - you feel like you need to save a person from themselves. You take responsibility for things that they need to take responsibility for. 
• You want to change who a person is to meet your needs. Manipulative and controlling. 
• You don’t feel like you can take time to work on yourself because a person needs you. Acts of self-care feel selfish - boundaries are violated. 
• You find it difficult to explain how you are feeling about the relationship. You feel like you are walking on eggshells and live in fear of saying the wrong thing. 
• You feel anxious when you don’t hear from a person. You need to know where they are all the time. Your world feels unstable if you aren’t connected with a person constantly. 
• You have trouble being alone without constantly thinking about a person and wondering what they are doing. 
• You will cancel any appointments, meetings, or other scheduled things just to be with a person. Making big sacrifices on a regular basis for them. 

Self-awareness from both people is the key to adjusting and realigning an unhealthy codependent relationship into a healthy one

Seek outside counsel from someone you trust to speak clarity and truth to you about your relationship. Ask them what they are seeing or what they are concerned about. You must come with an open and teachable heart. 

Examine your core value system and see if this relationship is causing you to violate it. 

If you set healthy boundaries for yourself within the relationship, how would the other person respond? 

Transformation Application: If you see a pattern of codependency in your life, FORGIVE YOURSELF. 

Coaching Resources:

http://www.stevechuaintl.com

http://www.petecoaching.com/

https://www.insightoutcorp.com/

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The word “quit” often has a negative connotation, but sometimes quitting is the right choice. In this episode, learn how to recognize when it is the right time to close a chapter and move on.

Transformation Tip: “Winners quit all the time. They just quit the right stuff at the right time.” – Seth Godin

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 Disappointment is a natural part of life. It can also be a powerful force that keeps us stuck or paralyzed. In this episode, learn to deal with your disappointment in a healthy way so you can move forward and come out on the other side better than before. 

Transformation Tip: You can’t be disillusioned unless you were believing an illusion to begin with.

Dealing with disappointment does not mean burying it or ignoring it

Time can only heal disappointment if you truly face it and deal with it

Ways to deal with disappointment:

• Let it out 
• Don't contain it - you need to feel it 
• Find a therapist or a trusted friend to vent to 
• Journal about it
• Gain perspective 
  • Find a trusted outside perspective
  • Were your expectations too high?
  • Separate your desire from the object of your desire
• Recenter yourself 
  • Don’t let disappointment define you - let it refine you
  • Remind yourself who you are 
• Live in the present
  • Disappointments of the past do not have to define who you are in the present
  • Allow disappointments to become learning experiences (growth mindset)
  • Allow yourself the ability to start over

Transformation Application: If you’re holding on to a disappointment, find time to let it out or gain a new perspective by talking to someone. 

Coaching Resources:

http://www.stevechuaintl.com

http://www.petecoaching.com/

https://www.insightoutcorp.com/

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Motivation should be your energy to thrive not your ability to survive. A lack of healthy motivation can keep you stuck, bored, and unfulfilled. In this episode, learn the three components you need to help you reignite your motivation today. 

Transformation Tip: “Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going.” – Jim Ryun 

Motivation: the energy to act

Three components of motivation: choice, connection, competence

• Choice
  • Sense of control over what is happening 
  • The freedom of choosing 
  • Agency 
• Connection
  • Sharing your accomplishments 
• Competence
  • Feeling yourself grow and excel 
  • Creates energy that allows you to move forward

When you have all three components working together in a healthy way it produces joy 

Transformation Application: Focus on the component of connection - pick something you have accomplished in the past month and go and tell someone about it!

Book Reference: 

Mastering Your Motivation |  Sarah Fowler 

Coaching Resources:

http://www.stevechuaintl.com

http://www.petecoaching.com/

https://www.insightoutcorp.com/

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Trying something new can be intimidating - whether it be a new job, new activity, or new relationship. In this episode, learn the different stages of the learning and growing process so you can go into your next venture with your eyes open and equipped with the right mindsets.  

Transformation Tip: Persistent people are able to visualize the light at the end of the tunnel when others can’t see it” - Seth Godin 

Four stages of trying/learning something new:

• Unconscious incompetence 
  • You don't know what you’re doing, but you don't know it
  • Mindset: go for it
  • Capture the dream 
• Conscious incompetence
  • You don't know what you’re doing, but you are aware of it 
  • This is where most people quit 
  • Remind yourself why you’re doing this venture
  • Don't be too hard on yourself
  • Mindset: practice & perseverance
• Conscious competence 
  • You realize you do know what you’re doing!
  • Mindset: continue learning but lean into productivity 
• Unconscious competence
  • You’ve become intuitive at your craft -  it becomes so natural to you that you don't even have to think about it 
  • Mastery 
  • Mindset: don't let competence become complacency 

When to quit: 

• If you continue and you are getting limited results and every day you’re exhausted
• If you give it your very best with no results 

Transformation Application: Identify what phase you’re in, and what mindset you need to adopt right now. 

Coaching Resources:

http://www.stevechuaintl.com

http://www.petecoaching.com/

https://www.insightoutcorp.com/

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 Feeling stagnant or stuck? Growth and change go hand in hand. The key to helping you find your way forward may be found just outside of your comfort zone. In this episode learn how trying something new or challenging can help you break out of a fixed mindset and into a growth mindset. 

Transformation Tip: “Why waste time proving over and over how great you are, when you could be getting better.” - Carol Dweck

Neuroplasticity - your brain has the ability to grow and change.

Help yourself get unstuck by trying something new: 

• Try something out of your familiar field 
  • Get out of your comfort zone 
  • The boundaries of your comfort zone are fear 
• Try something challenging 

Types of fixed mindsets:

•  I want to stick to what I know
• Failure is the limit of my abilities 
• My abilities are unchanging 
• When I’m frustrated, I give up
• I am jealous of others’ success 
• Takes feedback and criticism very personally 

Neuroplasticity will get easier and easier as you continue to pursue it

Transformation application: Try something new, challenging or something that scares you this week. 

Coaching Resources:

http://www.stevechuaintl.com

http://www.petecoaching.com/

https://www.insightoutcorp.com/

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Boundaries are the limits we set with other people. Knowing and honoring our boundaries are signs of healthy self-worth and loving yourself. In this episode learn how to identify the areas where boundaries have been crossed and find practical ways to establish them to bring health and happiness back into your life. 

Transformation Tip:  “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” - Brené Brown  

Questions to ask to determine if you need help setting boundaries: 

• Do you pride yourself on always going the extra mile?
• Do you overextend yourself?
• Are you exhausted more days than not?
• Do you resent others for being too needy?
• Do you have a hard time saying no?

Boundaries are the limits we set with other people. Knowing and honoring our boundaries is a sign of healthy self-worth and loving yourself. 

5 kinds of self-worth:

• Intellectual worth 
• Emotional worth 
• Physical worth 
• Social worth 
• Spiritual worth 

How to set healthy boundaries:

• Recognize if a boundary has been tested 
  • Examine a past experience that made you feel uncomfortable, angry, resentful, or frustrated? 
• Don't take on more than you can handle 
  • How many things are you juggling?
• Be clear and assertive 
  • Did you communicate your boundary or did you just assume that people knew what it was? 
• This will take practice
• If people can’t respect your boundaries, learn to walk away

Transformation Application: Get a piece of paper and journal a past experience where you felt uncomfortable, angry, or resentful. Then begin to outline the boundary you feel they crossed. 

Coaching Resources:

http://www.stevechuaintl.com

http://www.petecoaching.com/

https://www.insightoutcorp.com/

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Many people find themselves stuck in difficult situations because of their need to please everyone around them. People-pleasing can be exhausting and overwhelming. This episode will help you identify the causes and effects of this habit and teach you how to establish healthy boundaries for yourself. 

Transformation Tip:  “I can’t tell you the key to success but the key to failure is trying to please everyone” - Ed Sheeran

Symptoms of people-pleasing:

• You find it really hard to say no  
• You feel responsible for everyone’s happiness
• You feel governed by guilt 
• You feel a sense of over responsibility
• You avoid relational conflict

Negative effects of people-pleasing: 

• Every time you people please you lose a sense of your personal boundaries
• People begin to assume that you can do and will do anything
• You become spread too thin and then you cannot do things to the best of your ability which causes people to become upset with you 
• Manipulative and abusive people will be drawn to and take advantage of you

Causes of people-pleasing:

• The need for validation causes you to chase opportunities to please people
• Fear of rejection
• Fear of being incapable (needing to prove you can do something)

How to overcome people-pleasing:

• Recognize your triggers
• Start saying no
  • No is a complete sentence
  • You will face resistance 
  • Be ready to stand your ground 

Transformation Application: Say ‘no’ to something this week. 

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When we’re feeling stuck, sometimes all we need is a shift in our mindset or perspective to help us figure out our next step. In this episode, learn practical ways to look at your situation from a different point of view and find a way to move forward. 

Transformation Tip: “When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change.”

You can change your past 

• The events of your past have no power over you. It’s the story (narrative) about your past that has the power. 
• You can’t change the events of your past, but you can change the narrative 

Are you trying the same approach over and over again trying to get unstuck? It’s probably time to use a new/different tool. 

If you’re stuck you need an action to get you unstuck:

• Creating 
  • Inventing
  • Adding
• Eliminating 
  • Eradicate
  • Reduce
• Accepting 
  • For now 
• Preserve 
  • Choose what is worth maintaining
  • Make improvements 

Transformation Application: Take some time for self-reflection and ask: where am I stuck? Use the action words mentioned in this episode to help you move forward.

Coaching Resources:

http://www.stevechuaintl.com

http://www.petecoaching.com/

https://www.insightoutcorp.com/

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Sometimes we find ourselves stuck in a situation or in the middle of a transition where we feel lost or unsure of what our next step is. This episode will give you six questions to help you process your current state and equip you with confidence and wisdom to know where you’re going and how to get there.

Transformation Tip: don’t feed the weeds!

• Don’t become overly focused on negativity

6 Questions To Help You Get Unstuck: 

• What is success? 
  • In your current situation, how would you define success? 
  • You need to know where you’re going (vision) 
  • Define what your goal is - how will you know when you get there?
  • Success doesn’t need to be all in one go 
• What’s right? 
  • What is working? Where are your strengths?
  • Where are you getting the most return on your investment?
  • What relationships are feeding into you? 
  • Celebrate small wins 
• What’s wrong?
  • What isn’t working and what can we do?
  • Sometimes the things that are wrong cannot be fixed or are out of your control - accept it. 
• What’s confusing? 
  • What do you need clarity on? What can you not see clearly yet?
  • You can’t move forward without clarity 
  • Find an outside source that can help you sort through things 
• What’s missing? 
  • Where are the gaps? 
  • Resources? Skills? Relationships? Systems? 
  • How will you know when you get it? What will you get? 
• What’s important now 
  • The WIN principle - What’s Important Now?
  • What actions are you going to take? 
  • Take that first step 

Transformation Application: The Most Valuable Principle (MVP) will WIN (What’s Important Now). Take what is the most valuable principle from this episode and apply it now!

Coaching Resources:

http://www.stevechuaintl.com

http://www.petecoaching.com/

https://www.insightoutcorp.com/

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