Understanding Disordered Eating: For anyone whose relationship with food feels harder than it should

In this episode, we're pulling back the curtain on what's actually happening underneath the surface. The suppressed needs. The tension. The resentment that builds while everything looks completely fine on the outside. And why your eating disorder might be stepping in to regulate what you're not expressing.

" So many people struggling with eating disorders also struggle with chronic people pleasing. That is not a coincidence. That is functional." - Rachelle Heinemann

"People pleasing ends up being a way of regulating a way to feel safe." - Rachelle Heinemann

"We're always looking out for what somebody else needs from me, and there isn't very much space for what I need in this situation." - Rachelle Heinemann

"When we don't express our needs, and we don't get what we need, they don't disappear. They get redirected. It never, ever disappears, even though we think we're really good at it." - Rachelle Heinemann

"There are all these suppressed needs, preferences, desires, etc. Then the tension builds and there's obviously a need for release because again, it doesn't go anywhere. And then the eating disorder behaviors step in as a means to regulate." - Rachelle Heinemann

"When your life is organized around keeping everybody else comfortable, your eating disorder is going to find and have a place to live." - Rachelle Heinemann

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In this episode, we're slowing that moment down and looking at what is actually happening beneath it. Because those urges are not random, and they are not a sign that you are failing. They are signals.

We're getting into why your brain reaches for old behaviors, what you are really needing in those moments, and how to create just enough space to respond differently without relying on willpower alone.

"Relapses or lapses don't start with the purging or the compulsive exercise or cutting the food out. It starts with the thought, obviously the urge: 'I'm gonna just do it, just because why not?'" - Rachelle Heinemann

"These things are not random. Everything makes sense. Whether or not you understand it, it's always there for a reason." - Rachelle Heinemann

"When our minds are almost seducing us to go back to some behaviors, or they just seem so enticing, it's because we wanna reduce discomfort." - Rachelle Heinemann

"Whenever there's an urge, whenever there's a thought, whenever we need something, it's not just that we're looking to the eating disorder behaviors, it's that we're actually needing something a little, a little deeper." - Rachelle Heinemann

"If you can delay the urge by being very deliberate about how you do that, then you just created a superpower for yourself." - Rachelle Heinemann

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There's a very specific kind of high that comes from validation. Someone compliments you, someone reassures you, someone notices you… And for a second, everything just settles. You feel calmer. More certain. A little more solid in yourself.

And then it fades.

So naturally, your brain goes, "Okay, cool, let's do that again."

You check your phone. You reread the message. You replay the compliment. You look for the next hit. And suddenly you're stuck in this quiet loop of needing more just to feel okay again.

It's subtle, but it runs deep.

Tweetable Quotes

"This is an unfortunate truth, but we are wired to need validation. That is not a weakness; it's a basic relational human need." - Rachelle Heinemann

"We need relationships in order to develop what I call the emotional backbone, like a sense of self." - Rachelle Heinemann

"If we don't have this emotional backbone, then we cannot fill it with external validation, even if there's a ton of praise in the world." - Rachelle Heinemann

"We have to learn to trust our internal experience and tolerate moments of self-doubt without outsourcing worth" - Rachelle Heinemann

"I don't need proof to exist. I don't need validation to take up space. I'm allowed to take up space on my own. I am good enough." - Rachelle Heinemann

"Feeling hungry for validation is not a flaw. It's a sign that at some point in your life, your inner world wasn't consistently mirrored, seen, understood, acknowledged, etc." - Rachelle Heinemann

Resources

Brave on Purpose! - Grab my new book here!

Grab my Journal Prompts Here!

Looking for a speaker for an upcoming event? Let's chat!

Now accepting new clients! Find out if we're a good fit!

LEAVE A REVIEW + help someone who may need this podcast by sharing this episode!

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You can connect with me on Instagram @rachelleheinemann, through my website www.rachelleheinemann.com, or email me directly at [email protected]

There's a very specific kind of high that comes from validation. Someone compliments you, someone reassures you, someone notices you… And for a second, everything just settles. You feel calmer. More certain. A little more solid in yourself.

And then it fades.

So naturally, your brain goes, "Okay, cool, let's do that again."

You check your phone. You reread the message. You replay the compliment. You look for the next hit. And suddenly you're stuck in this quiet loop of needing more just to feel okay again.

It's subtle, but it runs deep.

"This is an unfortunate truth, but we are wired to need validation. That is not a weakness; it's a basic relational human need." - Rachelle Heinemann

"We need relationships in order to develop what I call the emotional backbone, like a sense of self." - Rachelle Heinemann

"If we don't have this emotional backbone, then we cannot fill it with external validation, even if there's a ton of praise in the world." - Rachelle Heinemann

"We have to learn to trust our internal experience and tolerate moments of self-doubt without outsourcing worth" - Rachelle Heinemann

"I don't need proof to exist. I don't need validation to take up space. I'm allowed to take up space on my own. I am good enough." - Rachelle Heinemann

"Feeling hungry for validation is not a flaw. It's a sign that at some point in your life, your inner world wasn't consistently mirrored, seen, understood, acknowledged, etc." - Rachelle Heinemann

Brave on Purpose! - Grab my new book here!

Grab my Journal Prompts Here!

Looking for a speaker for an upcoming event? Let's chat!

Now accepting new clients! Find out if we're a good fit!

LEAVE A REVIEW + help someone who may need this podcast by sharing this episode!

Be sure to sign up for my weekly newsletter here!

You can connect with me on Instagram @rachelleheinemann, through my website www.rachelleheinemann.com, or email me directly at [email protected]

If you've ever found yourself stuck between needing people and wanting to prove you don't, between wanting things and immediately judging yourself for it, or between wanting to be seen and wanting to disappear entirely… this episode might feel a little too familiar.

In this episode of Understanding Disordered Eating, I'm stepping away from behaviors, diagnoses, and symptom checklists, and talking about what's actually happening underneath the eating disorder. Not pathology. Not "what's wrong with you." But the very human, very uncomfortable internal conflicts that most of us are trying to manage just to get through our lives.

"Underneath behaviors, there are psychological… I'm going to say problems, but then it's not exactly problems that the person is trying to solve." - Rachelle Heinemann

"When we have this kind of conflict where one is louder than the other, the eating disorder tries to come in as almost a negotiator or a moderator of the conflict. Conflict is way too intolerable to experience in our bodies. And that's how food or body control might become almost proof of independence." - Rachelle Heinemann

"Desire ultimately feels to some people like a loss of control or a moral failure." - Rachelle Heinemann

" Visibility is so fraught. It's not just, I wanna be seen or I don't wanna be seen. It's this real negotiation happening internally and there's so much attached to it." - Rachelle Heinemann

"The symptoms aren't random, they're very structured responses to conflicts." - Rachelle Heinemann

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*Note: The podcast will be off for a couple weeks. We will be back April 14th with an all new episode!*

If you've ever done all the "right" body image work, challenged the thoughts, said the affirmations, stared into the mirror like you were told to, and still felt exactly the same… this episode is for you. And honestly? You're not broken. You're probably just being asked to do body image work that was never deep enough to begin with.

Today's conversation comes from a place of deep respect for clients, for clinicians, and for how hard this work actually is. Because let's be real: showing up to talk about body image at all already means you're doing something incredibly brave. This episode isn't a takedown. It's more of a gentle (okay, sometimes pointed) "hey, let's zoom out for a second."

"Any clinician or client that comes to the room with any sort of body image concerns, you're already doing a really, really important thing." - Rachelle Heinemann

"Body image is rarely just about appearance or what happens in the mirror. It's something that organizes our entire internal experience." - Rachelle Heinemann

"Exposure without increased tolerance actually increases the person's sense of threat." - Rachelle Heinemann

"Ambivalence is not resistance. That's not an annoyance we have to get through — that is the work." - Rachelle Heinemann

"When we isolate body image from psychological context, we miss almost everything." - Rachelle Heinemann

"Body image work is very central to eating disorder treatment. Body image work isn't effective enough when we treat body image as the problem, rather than the communication." - Rachelle Heinemann

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"Eating disorders are about control."

It's one of those phrases that gets repeated so often it starts to sound like an unquestionable truth. But when you sit with it for more than a few seconds, it gets messy fast. Because if eating disorders are "about control," then recovery is often framed as the opposite: letting go of control. And that's where a lot of people understandably get stuck.

That advice is usually offered in a vague, almost dismissive way, as if the problem is that you're gripping too tightly, overthinking everything, or refusing to loosen your hold. The implication is that if you could just relax, stop trying so hard, and surrender a bit, recovery would naturally fall into place. Which, let's be honest, is not how this works.

"People love to use the phrase 'Eating disorders are about control', but it's really vague. Like being "in control" is good, and being "out of control" is bad. - Rachelle Heinemann

"When we say release control, we mean loosening rigidity… but we're not asking to lose structure." - Rachelle Heinemann

"When we talk about control and loosening control, we do not mean to enter into chaos." - Rachelle Heinemann

"What we're asking people to do when we ask for increased flexibility is to take away the protection against anxiety. So we have to understand this is not just a matter of asking your clients to just loosen the reins a bit. It's something that is going to feel internally, very, very uncomfortable." - Rachelle Heinemann

"Ultimately, when we use the term control… it's only problematic when it really constricts your life." - Rachelle Heinemann

"Recovery… is about widening that bandwidth." - Rachelle Heinemann

"We are increasing your capacity to experience whatever it might be… without flooding, without impulsivity." - Rachelle Heinemann

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Let's be honest: if eating disorder recovery were just about wanting it enough, none of us would be here. You'd read one book, listen to one podcast, have one "aha" moment… and boom, cured.

But that's not how this works, and if you've tried to shortcut your way through recovery before, this episode is probably going to feel a little too familiar.

"If we're working toward feeling safe, toward recovery, or toward mental wellness, you cannot ever do that with a starved mind or body. It just doesn't happen." - Rachelle Heinemann

"Everybody's recovery is gonna look different." - Rachelle Heinemann

"If willpower worked, then you wouldn't need recovery." - Rachelle Heinemann

"Insight is great, but the insight without changing the behavior is just having a very nice intellectual conversation, which really does absolutely nothing or very little to change eating disorder behaviors." - Rachelle Heinemann

"Healing is not linear." - Rachelle Heinemann

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Have you ever hit that point where you're doing recovery "right" and instead of relief, you feel like absolute garbage? Like… you gave up the behaviors, you're eating regularly, you're showing up to sessions, and somehow everything inside you feels louder, messier, and harder to deal with than before.

This episode is about that part. The part no one really warns you about. The phase where recovery doesn't feel freeing, it feels destabilizing. Where you might quietly wonder if you made a mistake, or if maybe the eating disorder actually worked better than this.

"Feeling worse does not mean that you're failing. It means everything is changing." - Rachelle Heinemann

"Part of what the initial stages of recovery does, is that it removes your capacity to cope before it builds your capacity to cope better." - Rachelle Heinemann

"You're not worse. You're just less dissociated, which is a sign that things are actually headed in the right direction." - Rachelle Heinemann

"If you're willing to stay where it's uncomfortable, I guarantee you will find a lot more on the other side." - Rachelle Heinemann

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You can connect with me on Instagram @rachelleheinemann, through my website www.rachelleheinemann.com, or email me directly at [email protected]

If you've ever been told that you need to "heal the root" of your eating disorder, but no one ever really explained what that actually means, this episode is for you.

Maybe you've done the meal plans. The behavior tracking. The symptom management. And yet… something still feels unresolved. Fragile. Like the eating disorder quiets down for a while, only to resurface later in a different form.

In this episode, we slow the conversation way down and talk honestly about unmet childhood needs. Not as a way to blame parents, caregivers, or anyone else, but as a way to finally understand why your eating disorder made sense in the first place.

"Relapse isn't the end of recovery. It's a moment inside of it." - Rachelle Heinemann

"Eating disorders don't just happen. They happen within the context of the rest of your life." - Rachelle Heinemann

"When emotional needs aren't consistently met, we still develop strategies internally to help us survive." - Rachelle Heinemann

"You can stop the behaviors temporarily, but if the underlying emotional needs remain unmet, something else will pop up." - Rachelle Heinemann

"Healing means giving yourself now what you didn't get then." - Rachelle Heinemann

"Part of the process in therapy is creating a pause between the urge and the behavior." - Rachelle Heinemann

"Your behaviors make sense in the context that you grew up in." - Rachelle Heinemann

Group Training for Clinicians, led by Jack Heinemann.

Details:

• 6 weekly sessions (75 minutes each) • Thursdays at 12pm EST • Begins 2/12 • $85 per session • Limited spots

Looking for more information? Email [email protected] or [email protected]

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Now accepting new clients! Find out if we're a good fit!

LEAVE A REVIEW + help someone who may need this podcast by sharing this episode.

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You can connect with me on Instagram @rachelleheinemann, through my website www.rachelleheinemann.com, or email me directly at [email protected]