Unofficial

With the veritable ocean of different music in the world, who's to say which style or sound is "the best", right? Well me, I'm gonna say it...R&B. It's R&B. More specifically the best R&B singer in the world is Jordan Parker. You don't know who Jordan Parker is? Well you should. And now you do. You're welcome. Now if you don't think you can hang with Jordan because you're "just not cool enough" to be in the "same room" as such a "Hollywood Superstar" then first let me applaud you for your self awareness but also remind you that at one time, Jordan too was just an ordinary shlub with the same social anxiety and weakness for Christian youth gatherings as the rest of us.

Coop and Myan with their obvious magnetism for artistic talent welcome one of their most gifted friends to date, Jordan Parker. Jordan grew up in recording studios surrounded by the music of Earth, Wind and Fire, Frank Sinatra and Luther Vandross and clearly it was his destiny for such an early immersion as his innate ability clearly shows. Jordan's voice hook's you immediately and you instantly know he was born to sing. Unofficial unearths more than just the history of his musical prowess as Coop and Myan pry into Jordan's guitar skills, his obsession with banana pancakes and the bitter truth that despite your obvious chemistry he just doesn't remember you.

So if you ever had a special place in your heart for Jack Johnson, don't consider yourself a cheater cause you only did it in high school or have a secret obsession with Guy Patterson and Del Paxton, then definitely subscribe to Unofficial this week for yet another, rare inside look at an unknown artist currently making their way in Los Angeles.

Have you taken that improv class you've been putting off for 17 years yet? You know Ed Harris didn't try acting until he was 43, right? I have no idea if that's actually true but I'm pretty sure I overheard someone reading it off the lid of a beverage container in a food court once. My point is, if you like full figured ladies, and you fancy yourself one funny sonofabitch, you should absolutely join that lakeside-seasonal-improvisation-acting-troop and finally make something of yourself. After Coop and Myan's well deserved week off its really time we get back to business. What business? the business of finding jobs for people adept at long-range hand signals. The business of getting every one of America's citizens over 65 a lifetime supply of free bluetooth. The business of making...people...cry. In a good way.

So don't just sit there and listen to some half baked, sporadic, nonsensical podcast. Sit there and actively engage in a half baked, sporadic, nonsensical adventure. ([email protected]) An adventure hand tailored for people who are closer to their moms. For people who want more funding for stage plays written by 6 year olds. People who can tell the difference between a Maine lobster and that frozen Canadian shit that is completely unacceptable. Trust me? Oh I do, Sugarfish, I do.

Next time, on Episode 33 we are graced with the curling ribbon of caramel, spilling from the voice of the infamous Jordan Parker. Your introduction to an unknown superstar who will one day make your sexytime playlist smoke, like it's 1993 again. ABC...BBD. So eat all your creamed corn, be the kind of parent who supports your kid's artistic dreams even if it's a direct link to their ultimate failure and for god's sake turn the friggin' brightness down on your phone screen, its a dark theater and no one came here to see you aggressively spotlight your stupid face. Oh look...another armadillo.

Alright you got me, Coop's root canal appointment wasn't in Costa Rica but "Mexico" didn't have that alliteration I was looking for. Wow, Coop and Myan are really all over the place this week. It starts out light, Futurama vs. Family Guy, American Dad's alien vs. Rick and Morty's multiverse of aliens, and then the mass shooting tragedy in NZ. Is Myan right, does religion bear some responsibility in the culture of murder that human society has historically woven into its un-bleachable annals or is Coop on point with his thoughts and prayers? Maybe everyone has a point on this one. It's a complicated cultural issue no one seems to have the solution for. Maybe 900 million guns is just too many.

This week on Unofficial, Coop catches us up on Jesse Smollett's ingenious plan for career advancement in Hollywood while Myan makes corrections to his assertion that Unilever killed Ben and Jerry...'s legacy. Could Empire's volatile style have given Smollett a skewed view of how to get ahead in the industry? Maybe Gary should take a break from his Mountain Villa and teach 1st period Firearms. Like I said...All over the place.

From Japan to Australia, from Lifts to Elevators, from Dennis Miller to Jennifer Love Hewitt, nobody packs more into less than Coop and Myan. It's unpredictable. It's unconditional. It's uncomfortable. It's Unofficial.

If you've ever wondered if aliens exist, today you'll get your answer. You'll also find out why Donald Trump was in Home Alone 2 and why its coming off Myan's Netflix queue. And if that isn't too much to handle you'll also learn about Myan's plan to corner the soda market with his new idea for Schnazz Cola. It has all the caffeine of Jolt, twice the extreme of Surge and more disappointment than Shasta AND Mountain Dew combined! It should be a giant hit with the Tweenennials. "You want it all and you want it right now...SCHNAZZ COLA!!!"

This week on Unofficial, Coop disses every WWII documentary every made while Myan rants on why no matter how much you hate Trump, voting for Hillary was still an act of futility. If you drink organic juice pouches, you're the coolest kid around but if you prefer a JuiceBox then you're going to hell. Sorry, it's in the Bible so it's true. WWJD. (what would Jesus drink)

So if you still harbor guilt for putting a 4th grader in the White House, haven't come to terms with the Tent Colonies on Venice boulevard or knew that 99% of Earth's species that have ever lived are already extinct, then maybe join Coop and Myan for this week's unadulterated foray into the uncensored minefield of Unofficial's truth-bombs. So watch your step or you just might learn something.

Ok, you start meditating and I'll take some LSD and we'll see who trips first. Aaaaaand Go!

If you prefer the scenic route to enlightenment then Rufus Philips is your kinda guide...to Positional, 3D Spacial Audio, the future of immersive music production. Pop music is great, who doesn't like a good number one hit single every 14 minutes but some producers want more, they want you to feel the music...with your balls. Not sure Ashley Simpson ever got us there. (Pieces...pieceehhs...pieces uhhv yuuhou) Oof...hey it's not Ashley's fault she has no balls.

Coop and Myan host yet another crazy talented friend from their pool of adjacent genius as the long awaited Songwriter/Music Producer-madman, Rufus Phillips, graces the studio for a drug-free trip about the new wave of Three Dimensional Audio production and growing up black in the Pacific Palisades. Unofficial doesn't stray from its roots so there's plenty of tangential frivolity and the occasional quip about our intellectually and emotionally challenged leadership in Washington. Yeah, We're creeping up on yet another election year. What do you call it when you shudder AND vomit at the same time?? Shomited? Vuddered? Yeah, I Vomiddered a little bit right there.

Prince, Little Richard, Stevie Wonder, Brian Wilson, the Beatles, Berry Gordy? If you think Coop and Myan already spend too much time focused on the vast influence of Motown then this is not the episode for you. If you don't know what Trap music is, that you might need a strip club to find your next top ten hit or ever imagined you were a spaceship, then tune in this week and get your weekly dose of the inimitable, Coop and Myan on Unofficial.

How am I supposed to tip you if your tip jar is invisible? Why did you build a kitchen-stage if there's no food-show? Why would god have given you taste buds if hating olives were in any way acceptable? Why is an 11 year old eating at Maestro's?? Clearly Coop and Myan are obsessed with food and restaurant related oddities this week and rightfully so, don't we all enjoy dining? don't we all somewhat obsess over our own epicurean proclivities? Are we not meant to EAT? Are we not meant to LIVE??!! I truly think Jesus himself would have had a yelp account. (How's the fish? It's a little dry.) So forget what you thought you knew about Linguini Vongole, re-evalute your existing relationship with pork buns, take a break from steak and start your culinary tryst with the sea and Unofficial will share it's tightly gaurded secret about one of the best, most affordable, old-school pizza places on the entire west side...The Coop. No not our Coop, the Coop. Stop being confused, just hit play, you lazy bastard.

So if it's bad Chinese food, underwhelming ramen, 24 hour Polish restaurants in NYC, posh farm-to-table bakeries in Venice, undersized fish vs. behemoth beef, Hawaiian Pizza or Myan's completely inappropriate name for the best bagel build recipe in the universe, Unofficial has something for the foodie this week. Truth be told it's just a matter of time before this social experiment becomes an excuse to just talk about food and little else. Probably start a whole new show altogether about nothing but eating and Mixed Martial Arts...probably call it Food Fight.

It’s not every day you get to hang out with your biggest fan.(Hot-Ollie) Especially when it’s Leo’s Swedish, stunt-double stand-in. Hey, you look just like Brad Pitt’s Polish, stunt-double stand-in! Why thank you.

If you’re interested in learning about Sweden’s historical landmarks, the fundamental machinations of Swedish juries or why the Swedes have stuck to the kroner instead of converting to euro, this week’s episode of Unofficial is not for you.

If you’re interested in subscribing to Myan‘s theories of sex-cycling and immediate success from intermittent sleep-fasting, Coop’s slope-carving diaper-skiing or Ollie’s praiseworthy shooting of an Eagle, you do not want to miss this week’s pointless inanity.

Join Coop and Myan every Monday for a solid dose of brolific, off-the-cuff introspection and again on Thursday where we pop more guest’s podcast cherries than anyone in the business. Now subscribe, you freeloadin’ sons-a-bitches.

The wind was brisk like the breath of an Inuit. The sky was painted a pale gray in broad strokes. She was wearing her neon Columbia windbreaker, orange, lime and teal. The only app she knew was made of melted cheese and the radio in her used, ‘88 Honda Accord was playing something by Pearl Jam. It was the cusp of the Internet.

Computer labs, floppy disks and not a cell phone in sight. Do you remember the world before the web? Coop and Myan recount scholastic days of yore. Respective perspectives of teenage education and the injustice of contrived authority figures desperately clinging to a modicum of control, fueled by a gossamer layer of fear. You both have detention.

If you still have that favorite teacher from high school, was the class clown or teachers pet, remain possessed by drugs and video games or have ever incidentally suggested an authority figure engaged in uncharacteristic, homosexual acts, perhaps you went to high school and maybe this weeks episode of Unofficial is just for you.

If your mom gets mad at you because you started smoking a Vape just say, “well at least I didn’t pay two people to pretend to hate-crime me so I could make it in Hollywood.” Clearly your decision making is not the one in question. On the upside, I now know who Jussie Smollett is. And apparently so does Siri, nice work “talk to text.“

Whether it’s $.96 for a gallon of gas or $11.63 for a set of juggling pins, Unofficial will always find you the best deal. Japan or Montana, Ben or Jerry, Apple or actual apples, Coop and Myan could aid your decision-making and save your face from so many shards of broken wine-bottle glass...for as little as $10. SALAD!!!

This just in! The patriots are a very good football team. Also, gay art directors felt awkward in high school during the 50’s! If you would like a subscription to Unofficial‘s newsletter, Obvious Oddities then subscribe to the show! Coop and Myan promise to bring you obvious hits like cheating is bad, the NFL is a corrupt organization, Donald Trump is a halfwit, narcissist conman and Bowfinger was Steve Martin‘s finest piece of work.

So tune in to Unofficial this week to find out if Myan really kissed his math teacher, if Coop (The brown middle school bangle) really got ousted by a ref for being too hilarious and who the Supreme Title Holder for the Most Ridiculous Bullshit that’s Still Awesome…Really is.