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Untethering Shame
Untethering Shame episodes
- Shame, People Pleasing & Covert Narcissism
Join Catherine Quiring & I as we dive deep into the topic of people-pleasers and covert narcissism. There are so many layers to this; Catherine is a wealth of information and exploration.
Some of my favorite points we covered included:
More about Catherine:
"I am a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, and Self-Trust Coach. I help exvangelicals learn to trust their desires and reconnect to their inner wisdom. I also help people-pleasers learn to trust themselves and recenter themselves at the helm of their lives. I love this life-changing work of therapy and healing and feel so privileged that I get to spend my days doing this.
I am a cis-gendered, white, able-bodied, thin female in a heteronormative relationship. I am a reformed people-pleaser and exvangelical. I am an avid podcast-listener, book lover, paddleboard enthusiast, and toddler-chaser."Connect:
- Website:
- Instagram
- Facebook
- YouTube
Resources Mentioned:
- Tara Teng; Your Body is a Revolution
- Debbie Mirza; The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist
- Kristen Neff & Mindful Self-Compassion
58 min - Perfectionism
In this week's solo episode, we are talking about perfection, particularly why we are stuck in a cycle trying to be and do everything perfect AND how we get out of it.
Resources:
- Shame Overview: YouTube video or podcast episode
- Control Wheel Handout <-- download for free using code "PERFECTION"
- Cognitive Defusion Video
Don't miss out on future episodes of "Untethering Shame." Subscribe to the podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcasts and be sure to leave a review to let us know your thoughts on this episode. Be sure to visit our website or YouTube channel for more engaging content.
8 min - Shame & Veganism
What a powerful and open dialogue with my dear friend, Austin Kayser on what is often a very polarizing and difficult topic to explore - Veganism. We covered so much in this episode. Here are some of my favorite points:
- How Austin became introduced with veganism
- The number one thing that closes us off to new ideas
- How to figure out when and how gray areas can exist
- How perfection becomes the enemy of the good
- The ways we use a wrongdoing as an excuse not to uphold other moral obligations
- How to use binaries in supportive ways and where spectrums might be more helpful
- What veganism is versus our many misconceptions
- The most important shift in our thinking when it comes to right and wrong, knowing and not knowing
- How we use shame as a means to get people to follow our way
- The ways that collective burnout make us resistant to ethical and moral conversations and changes we may truly want and need to make
- How veganism connects Austin to his higher value system
- The number 1 reason Austin DIDN'T want to do the podcast
- Safety is not synonymous with comfort
More About Austin:
Austin is a training psychiatrist, kombucha lover and grateful Dad of a toothless pitbull who was convinced to go vegan after offering a heroic effort to resist the ethical arguments for animal rights.
Resources:
• 22 & Vegan
• Earthling Ed
59 min - Shame & Doing It All: Who Am I If I Am Not This?
It will come as no surprise I've known Jessica Meisner for 14 years when you listen to our episode. Such a powerful conversation - with a little silly bonus talk at the end - that we all need to reflect on.
Some of the key takeaways included:
- Where the narrative comes from that we need to be something for everyone
- The pendulum swing Jessica took after she burnt out on trying to be everything for everyone
- The interplay between feeling stuck in “being everything” but also striving to control everything
- The protective role of trying to control everything
- What leads us to be resentful of others and how sometimes it is not a “them” problem
- The lightbulb moment Jessica had in our conversation that is one of the truest realizations for all of us
- What not asking for what you need actually says about you
- Where that need to be needed comes from
- The difference between needing or choosing the people in your life
- The 1-liner my mother-in-law said that felt like I got drop-kicked in the gut
- The key questions I ask myself whenever I get stuck in those spaces of resentment and frustration
- The different types of boredom and why we need to be bored to thrive
More about Jes:
"I am so many things all at once. A mother, wife, boss, friend, sister, daughter. But also, just "me" and that one takes some work. "Me" I don't know all of yet. I have spent my adult life raising children and fixing problems for everyone. Currently, I am passionate about defining "me" to myself and no one else. I am making choices that are mine and maybe a little selfish, but could we redefine that word? Maybe selfish doesn't have to be so bad?"
1 hr 13 min - Terminal Uniqueness
Terminal uniqueness is the idea of “personal exceptionalism” or the belief that your story or experience is unlike anyone else’s. Yes, your story is different. The details change but what happens when you "over-other" yourself and how do we find balance between owning your story and seeing that you are not that different?
Stay Connected:
Don't miss out on future episodes of "Untethering Shame." Subscribe to the podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcasts and be sure to leave a review to let us know your thoughts on this episode. Be sure to visit our website or YouTube channel for more engaging content.
5 min - Shame & The Complexities of Motherhood
A force of empathy and perseverance, Mary Kay Battaglia shares with us her insights as a mom to 3 adult children, navigating shame, mental health diagnoses and the pressure to do it all. We touched on so many important topics. Some of my favorites were:
- The important skill Mary Kay learned as a mom that translates to her work and daily life
- The power of normalization & culture in determining well-being
- How Mary Kay manages that constant feeling of “Am I doing enough?” and where she finds balance
- Navigating the helpful to helpless spectrum
- How she faced the “return to work” anxiety
- The power of a strong sense of self worth
- The wisdom Mary Kay’s mom gave her that has carried her through her life and helped her stay grounded
- The importance of radical acceptance when it come to other people
Learn More About Mary Kay:
"I'm currently the Executive Director of NAMI Wisconsin. I got here accidently.... through years of being a volunteer, a mom, a loved one of several family members that lives with mental illness and a passion for change."
Connect with Her:
- LinkedIn
Resources:
- National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI)
- Learn how to bring Crisis Intervention Training to your local police department
- NAMI Free Programming (Support Groups, Classes, etc)
48 min - Shame & Pageantry: The Pressure of Perfection
This is a HARD topic. And one, that has been riddled with shame for decades. I am so grateful to Jessica for coming to talk about this and her own experiences.
Some of the key takeaways:
- What drew Jessica to be a part of the pageant world
- The tension that can exist in a world of competition when you also grow to love your peers
- The loneliness that Jessica experienced throughout the process
- How to reconcile when we choose to be a part of systems that we also see systemic issues within
- What it looks like to advance in the competitions and the commitment and pressure that comes with this
- The really important reframe on what this work truly is
- How Jessica found her voice in a very competitive industry
- How to not get lost in the pressure of a competitive industry
- How to continue to use your voice and be accountable to your values in a system that still needs to evolve
More about Jessica:
"I'm an eldest daughter, sister, friend, and rescue mom to a pitbull and senior kitty. By day, I am a remote digital communication specialist, managing social media strategy and content creation for a global manufacturing company. For the last 10 years, I've participated in the Miss America and Miss USA organizations and my passion lies in mentoring young women along their own journey to the crown."
Connect withe Jessica:
- Website
- Instagram
57 min - People Pleasing
Did you know that people-pleasing is directly correlated to your shame narrative? Don't get me wrong, caring for and about other people is incredibly important. That's not the problem. It's how much we invest in everyone else and the WHY behind it we need to address.
Stay Connected:
Don't miss out on future episodes of "Untethering Shame." Subscribe to the podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcasts and be sure to leave a review to let us know your thoughts on this episode. Be sure to visit our website or YouTube channel for more engaging content.
8 min - Shame & Toddlers: Raising Self-Aware, Confident Kids
Do you have toddlers (or will you at some point in your life)? Then this episode is a must-listen. Cara Tyrrell is amazing and I am so grateful we got her on the show. Here are some of my favorite parts of the episode:
- Why Cara left the classroom
- The #1 misconception we have as parents when it comes to Kindergarten readiness
- The importance of emotion regulation as adults in how we support our children — and why this is so hard
- The impact of COVID on how we parent and the grace we need for ourselves and our kids in the longterm
- How to change from the WHAT to WHO mindset
- The overlap between parenting & gardening
- How to balance expectation & reality
More about Cara:
Cara Tyrrell, M.Ed. is mom to three girls, founder of Core4Parenting, an early childhood educator, conscious parenting coach, and host of the Transforming the Toddler Years podcast for Pandemic moms raising the COVID generation. Cara uses her degrees in ASL, Linguistics and Education to create community, courses, and coaching programs anchored in her Collaborative Parenting Methodology(c) that blends soul & science-based strategies for raising world & kindergarten-ready ready kids who find success in school and life.
Connect with Cara:
- Website
- Instagram
- Podcast <-- and dont for get to check out our episode here
And of course, be sure to download her freebie, 5 Mindset Mantras which are a game-changer for how we show up not only as parents but in other parts of our lives as well!
48 min - Shame & Having Kids: "What if I don't want them?"
Join me and my dear friend, Morgin Ennis in this powerful and absolutely necessary conversation about the complexities of deciding whether or not to have kids and what it might look like to take the wind out of the sails in the shame-boat that you are supposed to want kids.
Some of my favorite points included:
- Why talking about kids is so hard for many women
- The important reality that you can love kids AND not want them
- The fears that made Morgin second guess if she could be a “good enough” mom
- The importance of being fluid in how we view our lives and the choices we make
- The shame and pain in step parenting relationships and why we need to take the pressure off
- What is the drama triangle and how this is showing up for us in every aspect of our lives
- The realities of having a kid that we need to give space for ourselves and everyone else to feel and face
- The importance of being curious versus projecting our stories onto others
- The most important question to ask yourself when you think about a full life
- Giving yourself permission to close the door when you need to on a topic or decision in your life.
- How we get to decide how we nurture our traits and values, not the world around us
Ugh, and don't even get me started on the part where we talk about opening and closing doors around the 40-minute mark! So good!!!
More about Morgin
"My name is Morgin. I am passionate about living a balanced healthy lifestyle, working hard and having fun along the way. I have a cleaning business and have been cleaning houses for about 10 years now. Being vulnerable and sharing my emotions has always been a huge part of who I am and how I communicate, I would love to share that mindset with the world."
1 hr 3 min
About Untethering Shame
From the publisher's feed
New episodes every Sunday!
Shame is the fear of not being good enough or worthy of connection and belonging. This silent plague keeps us tethered to the performance, focused on external validation and approval versus internal rooting. It can disrupt every relationship, thought, and experience if left unchecked. And it's time we say enough. Join licensed mental health therapist, Kyira Wackett, in the quest to build insight and take meaningful and intentional actions as we untether ourselves from shame.
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