Tezita (te zi TA) called me from Sacramento, CA, but she tells a harrowing story that originates in Ethiopia. Tezita’s adopted family had many other international adoptees, but she was singled out for solitary confinement. She was sent back to her homeland where she thrived mentally in a boarding school away from her adopters. When she returned she witnessed more abuse and decided she’d had enough. Kicked out of the family, she was forced to thrive independently relying on her communities in faith and adoption.This is Tezita’s journey. 

Carrie called me from Lynchburg, Virginia. In her journey you’ll hear her talk about the moment she realized she was found, and how she was in contact with her birth parents at the same time one the same day. Carrie talks about two amazing reunions: one where she got to see her birth mother in competition, the other where she got to meet her maternal and paternal siblings together. She also talks about herself as an adoptive mother to a special young man who came into her life at a time when he needed her most. This is Carrie’s journey… 

Carrie (00:03):

One reason why it's all been so positive for me is that, you know, the minute I learned that they were looking for me, it was kind of like, Oh, well, they really did want me, you know, like they really did. You know, it wasn't like I was just discarded or somebody's secret or anything. No.

Damon (00:25):

Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? This is who am I really a podcast about adoptees that have located and connected with their biological family members. I'm Damon Davis and on today's show is Carrie. She called me from Lynchburg, Virginia, in her journey you'll hear her talk about the moment she realized she was found and how she was in contact with her birth parents at the same time. On the same day, Carrie talks about two amazing reunions. One where she got to see her birth mother in competition, the other, where she got to meet her maternal and paternal siblings together. She also talks about herself as an adoptive mother to a special young man who came into her life at a time when he needed her most. This is Carrie's journey.

Damon (01:29):

I had the good fortune to interview Carrie on January 2nd, 2020. I wished her a happy new year and added what a special anniversary this day was in her life. One year ago, that day was the first time Carrie had received an email from her biological mother over the holidays. Last year, she received a generic piece of mail that looked like a credit card offer or something. So she just stuffed it in her purse and dismissed it on new year's Eve. She was cleaning out her purse when she found the correspondence that said the sender's client was looking for someone that they thought might be Carrie, the woman who sent the letter was out for the holidays. So she didn't receive Carrie's reply until she returned to the office on January 2nd, 2019. Before we get to that though, let's go back to the beginning. I mean, you didn't think we were just going to jump right into the good part. Did you? I asked Carrie to tell me about adoption for her as a kid in her family and in her community. She said she was adopted at six weeks old from Catholic family services in Roanoke, Virginia. She grew up in a small town called Alta Vista, South of Lynchburg, Virginia.

Carrie (02:45):

I have had the most amazing parents. I mean, I have never wanted for anything. I've never known anything other than a house full of love, um, which has been super amazing. And, um, I think actually kind of this year has really highlighted that more for me and given me a bigger sense of appreciation for all that I have had growing up,

Damon (03:08):

Carrie had one brother, six years older than her. So he had his own set of friends. She said she was alone a lot. So she played make-believe games, did art and entertained herself. In her small town she grew up through school with nearly all of the same friends until she went away to college. She said when she was a kid, people in the community would often say she looked like her adopted mother.

Carrie (03:34):

She would look at me and be like, should we tell him? And so we would always say, you know, well, I'm adopted. And so I've known, you know, since before I can remember that I was adopted, um, it's never been secret or anything, you know, I don't even really remember how I found out. Uh, I just know that I've always known

Damon (03:53):

Carrie said she always got support, love, hugs, and kisses. She can't even remember any tough discipline growing up. Carrie said she could go on and on about her parents and how she shares their taste in music. She's good at fixing things like her father and she enjoys having her mother edit her writing, even though as an English teacher, she can be pretty brutal. Carrie said that as adults, she and her brother have gotten closer these days, enjoying memories with their parents. Carrie went to show on university in North Carolina, graduating with a graphic design degree, then went on to old dominion university, achieving a master's in higher education. When she met her husband back in the Hampton roads area at ODU, they decided to move back to Lynchburg. So with what sounds like a wonderful life and no gaping holes to fill in her identity, I asked if she ever wanted to search for her biological relatives, access to the internet, sparked a nascent curiosity that had her going online, adding her name to adoption registries. But it was just a mild curiosity because it was the first time she had that level of access to information. Then a few years later,

Carrie (05:08):

Maybe two or three years into our marriage, um, uh, we were talking about, you know, maybe having kids and seeing how that would go. Um, you know, that got me really curious as far as like my medical history and all that kind of stuff, which I think is pretty common. A big question people have when they're adopted is, you know, what the heck? And especially like going to the doctors throughout my whole life, they're like, what's your family history? And I had to go through the whole thing. I don't know. You know? So, um, finally I was like, well, if I'm gonna try to bring a child into the world and I probably should have some information,

Damon (05:48):

One of Carrie's friends who had done extensive adoption research, turned his skills towards her story. Then he gave her some information about herself on a whim, on a shopping trip in Roanoke, Virginia, about an hour from her home, Carrie proposed dropping into the courthouse. She gave the clerk, the information, her friend had dug up about her. The woman went away, but came back empty handed, saying her records were sealed and Carrie would have to petition the court to access them. She wasn't so interested in accessing her information that she wanted to pursue a court case. So she just kind of let it go. That was five years ago, a short while after that, Carrie is going to work on the final day of a job that she was miserable in on that very last day of work.

Carrie (06:39):

I got an email from a guy, um, who thought that he might be my brother and he thought I was his sister. I mean, he had just learned that his mom has had a baby and given her up for adoption, same day that I was born from the same hospital where I was born. And so he was trying to find his sister. And so he had found my information on whatever that site was that I had registered on years ago. And so he just reached out to me, hoping that I was his sister and I wasn't, but I know it's really weird is this guy actually lived in the town where I had worked for four years. And I got the email from him the last day that I worked there because I had quit my job. And so it was my final day driving to this place. And this kid had emailed me and we shared pictures and I was convinced that we were, we were related, even people near me. You know, my friends were like, Oh my gosh, he looks just like you, you know, that can really be your brother. That's a very strange, very strange.

Damon (07:37):

In December, 2018, Carrie got the nondescript letter that she thought looked like junk mail, but for whatever reason, she kept and put in her purse on Christmas Eve, Carrie cleaned out her purse and she opened the letter. She had stowed away. The author alluded to their client who was searching for a biological relative that the sender thought could possibly be Carrie and asked her to email or call.

Carrie (08:04):

Even when I finally opened it, I was like, Oh gosh, am I gonna, what am I going to do? Is this is Pam? I don't know. Do I want it? You nail them. I know it was crazy in my head for a little bit.

Damon (08:13):

I can only imagine the woman was out of the office for the holiday break. So she emailed Carrie back on January 2nd, 2019. Carrie works as the secretary for a church that afternoon. It was quiet at work. No one was around just Carrie. The woman returned Carrie's email early that afternoon, asking for confirming details about her biological family to determine if they had made a match. Carrie confirmed her date of birth, the hospital, where she was born and the organization through which she was adopted. She also highlighted that her birth mother had five siblings, a distinguishing factor from the young man who reached out to about possibly being her brother. His mother only had one brother, the woman emailed a reply to say she was going to touch base with her client. Then get back to Carrie.

Carrie (09:06):

And like 20 minutes later, she emailed me again. And she said that, um, her client said that all of those things matched, you know, she had those many sisters and the knee surgery and she wanted to be a writer and she played softball and all these little things. And, uh, and that she was very, very certain that Pam was my biological mother. And so she asked what I wanted to do if I wanted to call her or what. And I said, well, just give her an email address for now, because this is so new. And you know, I'm like freaking out in the office. I'm like hyperventilating and crying. And like, nobody's there to help me with this or witnessed this happening, which I'm kinda thankful for. Cause it was nice to have my own private moment, I guess it was just really cool. And then maybe 10 minutes later, Pam emailed me and she said, hi, I'm Pam. And a lady tells me that you're in my birth. You know, my biological daughter. And um, you know, it was a very introductory email, you know, she's like, I live with my husband, we had two children, you know, it was just very basic. Like I'm Pam. I would love to get to know you

Damon (10:18):

In reply. Carrie wrote back how crazy the whole thing was and that she was glad Pam had found her. Of course, in that brief period between Pam searcher, finding Carrie and Pam writing back, Carrie had Facebook investigated Pam. She saw Pam's photo a picture of her half sister and already recognized how much they looked alike during the email exchange. Pam asked if she could share Carrie's email address with her birth father and Carrie said, yes.

Carrie (10:51):

So then later in the evening he actually emailed me too. So I heard from both of them in the same day, it was nice. It was. Yeah. Yeah. So they're not together. Um, they were not together after my conception.

Damon (11:07):

I reiterated to Carrie what a massively heavy day. It must have been for her going from a letter. She nearly threw away before the holidays to emailing with both of her parents in the new year. She said the whole thing was just nuts in the best way possible. She described it like a lifetime movie playing out in front of her, except it was about her. Since Carrie was introduced to both of her birth parents on the same day, we decided to focus on her birth mother's piece of their story first. Pam sent Carrie a Facebook request to be in closer contact, but Carrie waited a while to accept the new connection. She wanted to make sure she spoke with her parents first. So they knew all that had happened so rapidly. And wouldn't surprised Carrie and Pam texted back and forth on Facebook messenger. First communicating with ease.

Carrie (12:01):

You just chatted. I mean like we had, you know, just known each other for a long time already. I mean, it was just, it was so easy. I mean she know questions, like why did you give me up for adoption? And you know what, my medical history and you know, all these, I mean, I asked all the questions and it was like one 24 hour period. Every question of my life has been answered. Um, so that was pretty amazing.

Damon (12:29):

And what was the story that she told you?

Carrie (12:32):

Um, well she says that her parents, she got pregnant when she was 17. Um, and her parents were not okay with it. Um, they were about their appearance and didn't like how that would look for their family. Um, and so they sent her away, um, when she was like four, four months pregnant, I think, um, to live with her sister in Roanoke, which is how I came to be in Virginia because the rest of the family is in Arizona. So that's actually something pretty crazy is, um, you know, I never in my whole entire life ever imagined that my biological family members would be anywhere other than Roanoke. And I know that's kind of small minded, I think, but looking back, I think it is, but it's, you know, I just never even thought, Oh, that could be somewhere else. And I can remember going to Roanoke, you know, we wouldn't go there often, but I mean, it's closer, bigger metropolis metropolis area from Lynchburg, we'd go there to shop or whatever.

Carrie (13:36):

And I can remember being hyper aware of the faces that I would see in Roanoke thinking, Oh my gosh, that person could be my mother or that person could be my brother or whatever. And we actually went to Roanoke not too long after the first email exchanges. And I remember thinking on the way there, you know, I don't, I don't have to do that anymore cause I know who the people are now and they're not in Roanoke. So her parents sent her away, um, and said, you know, go live with your sister and run off, have a baby. And if you want to come back and don't bring the baby back. And I think it was much worse than that. I mean, it's easier to talk about it for me because I mean, I was, you know, I was a baby I don't, I don't remember any of that, you know, but I know that it was very hurtful for Pam. I can't imagine being a 17 year old pregnant woman and going through that, I mean, it was 80, it was 1982 and they sent her away. I was born in 83. So, you know, unwed mothers was a big taboo thing. I mean,

Damon (14:34):

And even the way you described it, it may not have been verbatim what they said to her, but just the way you termed it, if you want to come back, don't bring the baby back. That in and of itself is harsh and like decisions

Damon (14:52):

It's yeah, it's up to you. Um, and you know, you can either come back and be part of this family or by, and that sounds horrible.

Carrie (15:01):

Yeah. I can imagine. I cannot imagine my parents trying to tell

Diane called me from St. Petersburg, Florida, but her’s is a story that originated in Germany. Diane tells the story of her parents wanting to form a family with her, but her grandmother frequently talking about her adoption such that no one could ever move on. On a trip back to Germany, Diane stood in the orphanage where her story originated, but answers to her questions were not to be had. It turned out that her birth father was her first connection, and he led her back to her birth mother’s family. Diane met her birth mother’s widower who said her mother always searched for her, and made him promise to accept her if Diane were ever found.

This is Diane’s journey

The post 103 – Fixing The Fates appeared first on Who Am I...Really? Podcast.

Damon (00:00):

Hey there. I just wanted to take a sec to let you know that I took time to write a book about my own adoption journey. It's called, who am I really? Of course, go to who am I really? podcast.com and click shop. I hope to make it to your reading list. Okay, here's this week's show.

Diane (00:22):

He said, I've always wanted to meet you. She told me all about you. She told me that she was going to look for you and she did look for you that for the rest of her life she tried to find you and they couldn't. They wouldn't. They wouldn't let her have the records and he said during the 50s when they were courting, she had made him promise. She told him about me before they were married and she'd made him promise to be my father if she ever found me.

Damon (00:55):

Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?

Damon (01:02):

Who am I? Who am I? This is who am I really a podcast about adoptees that have located and connected with their biological family members. I'm Damon Davis and today you're going to meet Diane. She called me from st Petersburg, Florida, but hers is a story that originated in Germany. Diane tells the story of her parents wanting to form a family with her, but her grandmother frequently talking about her adoption such that no one could ever move on. On a trip back to Germany Diane stood in the orphanage where her story originated, but answers to her questions were not to be had. Diane met her birth mother's widower who said her mother always searched for her and made him promise to accept her. If Diane were ever found. This is Diane's journey. Diane was an only child in her adopted family in Philadelphia. She says her adoptive mother was related to the people who ran the orphanage she came from in Germany.

Diane (02:08):

I had a kind of six degrees of separation kind of experience because my parents, my adoptive parents in Philadelphia were related to the person who ran the orphanage in Germany. Um, so what had happened was I was surrendered in a German orphanage at age one. Um, and prior to that I was in what's called a kinder home. So it's a children's home, but the mother, the biological mother can still visit you there. None of this I was aware of, but what I was aware of from a very early age and all along was that I was adopted and was that I was in a German orphanage and that my adoptive maternal grandmother's brother ran that orphanage, that he was a child psychologist. And the implication was always that, um, you know, I was lucky to escape the fate of being in that orphanage. I was lucky to have been brought to America, to these loving parents outside of Philadelphia and to be raised in this comfortable home. Um, so, so that was, my awareness was kind of a, a kind of survivor's guilt or, or a kind of a feeling of escape. Like I had escaped from something and I was just sort of like, whew, that's a good thing. You know, that's, that's past, that's behind me

Damon (03:40):

as a first generation immigrant family. Her adoptive mother's mother had moved to the United States from Germany and she lived close to them in Philadelphia. They had many family meals together and it was she who communicated the idea that Diane had been lucky to escape and was very proud of the fact that her brother ran the orphanage and basically brokered Diane's adoption. He had sent her parents photos of Diane and made the recommendation for her adoption.

Diane (04:08):

She communicated it. Um, I think she was proud of the role that she played in it. She was proud of her brother. I think my adoptive parents, they could have done with less of this story floating around all the time.

Damon (04:21):

Why do you say that?

Diane (04:21):

Um, well I think they just wanted to get on with it. Right. They were coming out of that time of loss of not being able to conceive as a young married couple and they kind of wanted to put that period behind and they didn't, I think they wouldn't have kept that story alive as much as my grandmother did. Um, you know, she was always saying, well, I, I, I'm the one who went and got you. I flew over there and we got you from the orphanage and I brought you here. And they had this film of her descending the plane steps and those days you went down onto the tarmac and carrying me and bringing me into the terminal at Philadelphia airport and handing a to my, to my mother, my awaiting mother and father. So it was just this moment of pride that she had where I think my parents were much more interested in me assimilating and in them completing their lifelong wish or their wish together as a couple to have a child to kind of complete their family and to complete a dream, you know?

Damon (05:32):

Yeah. That's an interesting thing. It's in any sort of challenging, deeply emotional situation. There are those who want to move on from it. Like you want to acknowledge it, you have lived it, that has happened and now you know it's time to move on with life. And then there are those who have also been in this situation and they keep saying, you remember the time you remember back then? Oh my gosh, I remember when, and you, and they prevent you from moving forward. And it's, that can be an interesting juxtaposition for, and especially as you've said, your parents were trying to move on also from the probable pain of not being able to conceive a child themselves. And so here's, you know, her own mother, this was your mother's mother, you know, this is her, you're her own mother who's constantly saying, you remember the time when I brought you this baby? That must've been really tough. Huh?

Diane (06:31):

I really agree. And I think it's a brilliant point because there is a way in which the wound never quite healed over. Right. It's constantly being re-exposed. And I think that for my mother, I think that was aggravating. And for me, you know, I kind of adapted this source of pride. Like I assimilated my grandmothers message. I was lucky to be here. I was lucky to have this family. I was lucky to have this situation. Um, it was unique. It was somehow special. Um, it differentiated me. But then as time goes on, as a kid, you just want to blend in. You, you don't want this story anymore. You want to just be a cool kid like everybody else on the block and not be special anymore. And it won't go away.

Damon (07:22):

When Diane was about seven years old, she thought perhaps she was going to have an adopted sibling. She had opened her mother's desk drawer where she found an envelope with an assortment of photos of children, including herself.

Diane (07:36):

And I saw my own picture and all these other kids. And I remember just like sitting back on my heels, like, you know the sweat, you know, you're just sort of perspire. You just are, you know, you're just hot. Suddenly. It's like,

Damon (07:50):

it's that adrenaline rush of,

Diane (07:52):

right, right. And you're seeing actually the reason you came, you know, you there was you and there was this description of you and I was at, had a sunny disposition. That's what they said. Um, and I was, you know, and I was struck by that because I thought, well that's, I have to keep that up, right. I have to keep up that sunny disposition. Or else? I might have to be sent back, you know, returned or something. Um,

Damon (08:19):

it was like, it was, this was part of your, the sales pitch, the marketing material around you.

Diane (08:26):

Exactly. This is how I was promoted. So I mean, um, but you know, I, I kind of was that same time, it got lodged into my consciousness at that point that I, that I had to keep that, that game on. So I had to ask her, you know, are you, am I getting a brother or sister or, you know, I had to obliquely ask or, um, it turns out that they never adopted other children. Um, so

Diane (08:55):

my curiosity about what that might be like was, you know, if that was, that was the end of that.

Damon (09:01):

Hmm. That's really interesting. Can you remember examples of, of times when you felt like, Oh, this is one of those moments where I better look sunny and have a sunny disposition or just did it, how did it impact your personality? I mean, I get the impression that it was in fact very much part of you anyway. But I get the impression also that there were times when you thought to yourself, Ooh, this is might be one of those moments.

Diane (09:27):

Well, you know, when you were like introduced, um, to other kids, like two other, you know, couples, kids and um, especially, you know, well, I mean it could be a girl or a boy, but, um, I can remember thinking, um, you know, because it would be, you know, if, especially if my grandmother was present, it would be, well, and she's the girl that we got, you know, from Germany. Um, and, and I'd be like, I just want that to go right. Or I just wanted to own the information. I said I was much too young to be able to say that that was what I was feeling, but I wanted to express it when I was ready to express it and on my own terms. Um, and so I might be thinking to myself, Oh, now that little boy knows that about me and I'd have to stand there and be kind of performing this happiness ritual of yes, you're, I am the happiest smiling child who was lucky to be in this family.

Diane (10:28):

You know, and of course I was lucky there was but, but there is that lack of agency, right? There's no owning your situation. It's actually kind of um, manufactured for you, uh, on a kind of a continual basis. And, and I think that something that a lot of us adoptees really struggle with is just being able to own your own narrative. There's no way of preempting it. There's no way of holding it as your own until much later. You know, when you're out of the house and out of the story and, and, and you, you know, look like others and people don't know that you're necessarily adopted. And, um, that seems more organic to me and more natural.

Damon (11:19):

When Diane was 17 years old, her grandmother took her back to Germany. It was a coming of age Rite of passage for her, her grandmother. And adoptive mother had been returning to Germany for years, visiting family and friends in their home land. The family was making every effort to maintain their ancestral connections.

Diane (11:38):

But of course for me it was much more loaded than that. I was tapping into something, a Lodestar, a kind of a home, um, if you will. And so for me it was completely different experience than going back and meeting all the aunts and uncles and sitting around and having coffee klatch and um, you know, yes, I, I was happy to learn about my German heritage. I was more than fascinated to learn more about my adoptive, um relatives. But there was something in me that was just instantly galvanized, you know, when my grandmothers said, okay, well we've gone to Germany now four or five times and now these aunts and uncles would like to meet you. And you know, it's time that you went back to, you know, our Homeland. And I'm thinking about, it's my homeland too. And you know, for me, I was instantly like riveted by the idea of going to Germany because I knew that for me it's symbolized much, much more than just it tripped back to the old country.

Damon (12:43):

Let's consider the family dynamic for just a moment. Diane's grandmother, a native German who only learned English when she arrived in the States, felt a deeper connection to her country than her daughter, a woman born and raised in America. So naturally the trips back to Germany meant a lot more to Diane's grandmother because she was truly going home to the place where she grew up. So Diane's parents didn't go with her on that first trip to Germany. It was just Diane and her grandmother. They visited her grandmother's family in a small town of only a few thousand inhabitants in the Southwest region of the country, a Northern suburb of Stuttgart. Diane knew from her grandmother that she was born in Stuttgart that the orphanage or Kindler Haim was also in stood guard and she got the sense that those details really should be enough to satisfy her about her own origins.

Diane (13:36):

Just knowing this much would should be enough. And um, anything else would be when I met, finally met this uncle, um, my grandmother's brother, he told me flat out, but anything else would be just too confusing. And children were not meant to know about their biological families that would make their loyalties divided and they were only to have one family. That's how it was to be. And that the only way to cement that in your heart was to not know anything else about their biological family. But he held firm on this idea that one family. And of course inside me, I, there was just this loud protestation I thought, no, I love my parents. I will never not love my parents, my adoptive parents. I simply need to know. And also I was so close, you know, so channelizing here I was talking to people that I knew full well. He must know and, and no, but it was a kind of like the, the glass door just dropped down right there. Like just couldn't ask or you couldn't know. You could ask, but it was futile.

Damon (14:46):

That glass door coming down, blocking Diane from

Pam, from Emeryville, CA, told me her desire to search started when she was a kid, but it was Oregon’s laws that changed everything for her search. When she met her birthmother she encountered a woman who couldn’t relay the details of her past, leaving Pam with only her paternal side of the story. He says that what is alleged against him is not true, but Pam is having a hard time forgiving the man. This is Pam’s journey.

Pam (00:04):

So I thought that from the time I was 19, until I started meeting people in my mid thirties, that was part of my trying to identify what it meant to be alive. Even it's like, Oh, and then I thought, gosh, my mom might not want me to come find her because maybe I'm a traumatic thing. She wants to forget.

Damon (00:32):

Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? This is who am I really a podcast about adoptees that have located and connected with their biological family members. I'm Damon Davis and on today's show is Pamela. She called me from Emeryville, California. Pam told me her desire to search started when she was a kid, but it was Oregon's laws that changed everything for her. When she met her birth mother, she encountered a woman who couldn't relay the details of her past leaving Pam with only her paternal side of the story. He says that what was alleged against him is not true, but Pam is having a hard time forgiving the man. This is Pam's journey. Pam grew up in a suburb of Portland, Oregon called Milwaukee and in Redmond, Washington and Pamela's family. They didn't ask about adoption when she was four or five. Her parents took time to convey that she was loved, chosen and special in her experience. She had everything a child could want and everything that came with what she called a privileged white, upper middle class upbringing and upbringing, devoid of emotion. I asked Pam what she meant by that.

Pam (02:06):

I was discouraged from being an expressive child. They were very sort of stoic people. And so if I were to express some bright emotion, it would be tamped down somehow I would be told I was being hysterical or you know, these kinds of things. So it was just, I think we were really mismatched with each other. I'm a very warm emotive person and they were very cool unemotive. People.

Damon (02:37):

It sounded like her passion and fervor for life were not at all meant by her parents' personalities. She said, she always felt very odd and out of place. Pamela has one older brother non-biological to herself and her parents conceived one biological son as well. She's sandwiched between her brothers and they're all only about 16 months apart in age, she said in her toddler pictures, when you look at her adoptive mom, you can see she's expecting their younger brother. I was curious about how the siblings got along, especially since she and her older brother share an adoption kinship. I wondered if it drew them closer.

Pam (03:15):

Actually, not really. No. My brothers are very close with each other and I'm kind of the, the black sheep person in the family. My oldest brother was adopted at birth and I was adopted later. Um, I was five months old and kind of came to my parents as a, uh, a special case. This child has been hard to place. Can you please take her kind of a thing? And so they did, and I didn't get returned, but I think as a traumatized infant, I think my mom just didn't really know how to address my emotional needs. There was no training for parents about how traumatic it is to be separated from your, your birth mother in this sort of thing. I mean, I just know it just didn't get discussed. And that the paradigm at that time was that, Oh, these children are a blank slate and they will never know any different.

Damon (04:18):

Pam said she was a very rebellious teenager. She ran away from home. She even stole the family car and drove to Canada with her friends.

Pam (04:27):

I was pretty awful to them. I think that, uh, I had issues that I didn't have words for. So I acted out and it was hard for them or they just, they didn't know how to address my needs.

Damon (04:43):

I asked Pam what the catalyst was for her search. She said her parents sparked the flame that would burn within her when she was about eight years old.

Pam (04:52):

When my parents explained to me about adoption and that I was adopted, they told me that I had parents who couldn't take care of me because they already had five children. So I thought, what, there's five siblings out there somewhere. And I thought, gosh, maybe, maybe some of those are sisters. Cause I had brothers didn't have a sister. So that was super compelling for me as a child that I had sisters out there or maybe had sisters out there. So that was always super compelling for me. And I knew the minute I could find anything and I could look, I was going to do it.

Damon (05:35):

She remembers being inquisitive about her adoption, but she sensed her mother's unwillingness to discuss the topic further. So she didn't broach the topic very often. Pam bided, her time listening to conversations between grownups waiting for them to divulge clues that she could hold on to. She said her mother had a baby book upstairs in her closet, but she didn't make it available to Pam. She seemed to believe it truly belonged to her. And it was not to be shared with Pam, even though it was all about her,

Pam (06:07):

But I would go in there and sneak it down sometimes and look for clues, trying to figure stuff out, looking at pictures. And I remember at one point finding a letter that looked like it might've been from a previous care giver. I don't know who this person was, but I was obviously in their home. So I don't know if it was a foster home or if it was one of the placements that didn't work out. I'm not exactly sure. Um, but, um, I, I would just always be looking, looking for stuff

Damon (06:39):

That letter from the caregiver or social worker or whatever, had some juicy stuff in it. And she was glad she found it. But Pam didn't try to search until the internet began to blossom as an information resource. She didn't know enough to search before then. So her efforts like signing up on adoption reunion, registries were purely shots in the dark at an unknown target. Pam decided to go into museum studies with the goal of being trained as a researcher, knowing that skill set would be really helpful in her search for answers about herself. But she said her search really began when the state of Oregon opened its adoption records in 1998, she went online, filled out the forms and sent in the application with her $25 fee. One summer afternoon in 2000 of very plain looking envelope from the state of Oregon showed up in the mail and she knew exactly what it was her unamended birth certificate.

Pam (07:39):

And I thought, bingo, here we go. I'm going to have names now. Now I can really search. So I get this document. Oh my gosh. So I take it out and I look at it. I looked down at her name and her last name is Jones.

Damon (08:00):

As Pam got older, her adoptive mother shared more details about her adoption that weren't appropriate for her as a child. She divulged that her birth father was not her birth mother's husband. So when Pam got her birth certificate, she was really surprised to see a man's name on it and happy to see that his last name was far less common. So she keyed her search on him, on her laptop. She went to Yahoo people, search where you used to be able to get all kinds of background information on an individual that you have to pay for access to today. She didn't find the man, but she found a woman with his unique, last name, Pam figured they had to be related. So she called the woman.

Pam (08:42):

I said, I'm looking for this person. And she said, Oh, that's my cousin. Here's his number?

Damon (08:48):

The next call was to the man whose name appeared on her own birth certificate.

Pam (08:53):

And I said, I don't, I don't know if you know who I am, but you're named on my birth certificate and I'm looking for my siblings. And he says, well, honey, I'm not your father. I was married to your mom and your siblings have been looking for you.

Damon (09:13):

Whoa, what'd you think when you heard that?

Pam (09:17):

I was so happy. I was really, it hadn't occurred to me that I might be a secret, but I was really happy to know that they knew

Damon (09:29):

The man put Pam in touch with her sisters. And they had lots of multiple hour telephone conversations. In July of 2000. Her sister, Margaret closest in age to Pam flew out West from Arkansas to stay with her.

Pam (09:43):

Oh my gosh, we just, it sounds really silly, but we couldn't keep our hands off each other. We were braiding each other's hair and brushing each other's hair and hugging and holding hands. And we were just so delighted to be together. And she delighted in my kids and her son was a charming boy. And we went on little excursions together and saw the sites. And it was really fun.

Damon (10:07):

Margaret shared quite a bit about the family and the family members. Pam would meet in Arkansas. She described some family issues with drug physical and sexual abuse, sharing some horrific stories about her own childhood in the fall of 2000 Pam and her husband left their kids behind protecting them from potential harm to make the voyage to Arkansas, to suss out the situation for themselves. She and her husband flew into little rock. Then drove the hour South to star city.

Pam (10:39):

My birth mother was still living at that time, but she'd had a series of strokes and she couldn't speak. I couldn't really have a conversation with her. Um, her husband was still able to care for her at that point. And um, we went and visited with her, um, spent an afternoon there and really, I just sat next to her and held her hand and my siblings and I kind of talk to each other while she could just sit and listen to us, you know? And she understood who I was. And she was so happy and delighted. She could say, I love you. Which was a lovely thing to hear. She could say she, she could say yes. And she could say, no, you could ask her yes or no questions, but sometimes she'd say no. When she meant yes. And vice versa, it wasn't any way to have any kind of meaningful conversation or what happened or anything like that. So a lot of those questions I don't have answers for, but it was good to meet her.

Damon (11:49):

Do you look like her?

Pam (11:52):

Yes. Just like her.

Damon (11:57):

What was that like?

Pam (11:57):

I couldn't really see it when I met her. I couldn't really see how I looked like any of them when I was there. And it didn't really become clear to me that I look like them until I saw pictures of them from varying times in their lives. When we did resemble each other more, not ever growing up around people that you look like, you don't really understand how people sort of morph. And sometimes they look like their mom is sometimes they look like their dad and you know, it, they, you change a lot as you age. And so it wasn't obvious to me until I stopped pictures. So it wasn't obvious to me when I saw her. And then after you've had a stroke, sometimes your, it changes your face because you can't control your muscles. So it couldn't really see myself. I saw pictures of her as a younger woman. I thought, Oh my God, I do. I was just like her. And now that I'm older, I definitely look like her.

Damon (12:53):

So the guy on Pam's birth certificate was not her biological father, but her sisters knew who the correct person was. And they gave her his identity. He was a man who lived in the sisters area. They always knew who he was. And he was always in their lives.

Pam (13:10):

He was their father's cousin. So the man on my birth certificate, my father is his cousin.

Damon (13:20):

Oh, so she was with her husband's cousin?

Pam (13:26):

Yes.

Damon (13:29):

Oh. Are the other five siblings? All the product of their marriage?

Pam (13:36):

Yes.

Damon (13:38):

So you were an outside child.

Pam (

After the adoptive father she loved so much died, Alison learned her birth father, Tim, was looking for her and she took it as a good sign of things to come. Sadly she found herself disappointed in him, and later in her birth mother, Jean, whom he contacted without telling her. Alison had no idea her birthmother struggled with mental illness, so their contentious relationship was inexplicably challenging. After Alison took legal action to gain access to her adoption records from the agency that refused to turn over her information, she finally laid eyes on the detailed context of her past that meant so much to her, and only her.

Read Full TranscriptAlison:                         00:00:01          I am the one that had no choice in this. Right? You know, like when you realize like, you know, my, my adopted parents had a choice. They choose, they chose to adopt. My birth mother had a choice, even though in some sense she didn’t, but there was still choices made, right? That weren’t my choices. I mean, I’m the only one that, that completely had no choice. So I realized that like, and this in reunion. I can choose who I have relationships with and who I don’t, you know, I, I, you know, so I realized it’s okay. Like I don’t need to make this work with my birth mother.

Voices:                        00:00:35          Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?

Damon:                       00:00:47          This is, Who Am I Really? A podcast about adoptees that have located and connected with their biological family members. I’m Damon Davis and on today’s show is Alison. She called me from Massachusetts. After the adoptive father that she loved so much died, Alison learned her birth father was looking for her and she took it as a sign of good things to come. Sadly, she found herself disappointed in him and later in her birth mother whom he had contacted without telling her. However, after Alison took legal action to gain access to her adoption records from the agency who refused to turn over her information, she finally laid eyes on the detailed context of her past that means so much to her and only her. This is Alison’s journey. This is Alison.

Alison:                         00:01:40          I just want to tell you, but I, you know, found your podcast not that long ago.

Damon:                       00:01:45          I always like to hear how the show is impactful for people.

Alison:                         00:01:49          And um, I, I shot you an email after the first one I listened to, you interviewed your friend,

Damon:                       00:01:54          she’s talking about one of my lifelong buddies, Andre, whom I featured way back in my very first episode.

Alison:                         00:02:01          And he, he actually used this person named Sheila Frankl in his search and at some point in my journey she helped me in actually getting my unredacted adoption record.

Damon:                       00:02:13          Are you serious?

Alison:                         00:02:15          No. Small world thing. I was like, oh my gosh. Like his story was so much like mine and then I listen.

Damon:                       00:02:20          That’s so amazing.

Alison:                         00:02:21          Yeah, it was amazing. And then I’ve just been, you know, listening, I’m not done, but it’s impressive how many I’ve listened to. I would just, I’m always plugged in and I just like, just can’t believe you did this. Like it’s so good and there’s so many people like us and we need to hear each other’s stories. So, um, yeah. So I completely appreciate it. It’s really good.

Damon:                       00:02:43          No, man, I really appreciate that. Thank you so much. And to now, here we are. Alison is episode 85 crazy how time flies in this small world of ours. Anyway, Alison’s parents had tried to have children for almost 10 years before they adopted her older brother Bradley in 1961. She was born in 1963, in Boston. Two years later, their mother gave birth to their sister after 15 years of infertility. Alison said she always knew she was adopted and her parents always made it special and tried to normalize it so much so that their sister,

Alison:                         00:03:21          my sister actually had voiced, you know, like when we’re young adults, you know, a little bit of sadness that she wasn’t adopted. My parents made like such a big deal about it that she always felt like, well, who’s gonna make a big deal out of me? You know? Um, so you know, like, you know, funny cause she is important and we all love her and um, but she was just kind of like, you know, I just wish I was also picked out special. Um, which is sort of the vernacular back then, which isn’t used now in adoption. But that’s, you know, kind of how I think, you know, parents were kind of coached to, to share that with their adopted kids.

Damon:                       00:03:54          That’s interesting. You know, I never really thought about that. That, you know, there’s a lot of uh, discussion online and with folks who are, you know, considering adoption or who have adopted and how they should treat their adopted children. And you know, I, I have mixed emotions about sort of having a birthday for the child and a, I hate the word Gotcha Day, but the, the idea of bringing the child home like the day that we became a family, because if you are just trying to be normal, like constantly raising it can actually keep it at the forefront of your mind if you want to just forget and just be yourself. And I hadn’t really considered what it means for a biological child of the parents to have to endure that. That’s really interesting.

Alison:                         00:04:40          Yeah isn’t that Interesting? Yeah, it was, it was really a thing for her. I mean, she wasn’t joking. She, it really, it, it bothered her.

Damon:                       00:04:46          Yeah I could see that. Oh yeah,

Alison:                         00:04:48          yeah, yeah, yeah. Me Too. Um, and you know, and, and, and, you know, on the flip side, I was actually, you know, one of my struggles being adopted was not so much the longing for my birth parents, but I just wish that I had been born to my parents that adopted me. Do you know what I mean? Like, I just wish I was just, their’s.

Damon:                       00:05:09          Why? What did you feel to make you want that?

Alison:                         00:05:10          you know, there’s some othering I think that happens when you’re adopted. So for example, you know, like we were super open about adoption in my family and, um, so if I would share with somebody, you know, like people would always comment, so there’s three of us and people would say, oh my gosh, you guys don’t look alike. So we would, if whoever, whoever, it was in my family would say, oh, that’s because, you know, Alison and Bradley were adopted and Candace wasn’t or whatever. And people would often say like the weirdest stuff. Like, like, oh my Gosh, you know, my brother used to tease me that I was adopted and I was so upset. I was hysterical until my parents told me that I wasn’t like, you know, like it was seen as this like awful thing to be adopted. And now there’s another thing that happened to me is when, so my, my dad, my adopted father, passed away when I was 17 and it was, it was awful. And we were, we were really close. So I, you know, I had this part time job at a department store and I’d gone back to work like a week after he had died, but I was still a mess. And, um, so I had gone like to the break room into the bathroom to kind of collect myself. So I was know in the bathroom, like in a stall, like crying and wipe my eyes. And these two, two coworkers, who were also teenagers walked in and they were talking about me because they didn’t know I was in there. And one of them said, oh my gosh, you know, Alison is still upset about her father. And then the other one said, I don’t know why she’s so upset. He wasn’t even her real father.

Damon:                       00:06:34          Oh my gosh.

Alison:                         00:06:36          Yeah. So things, you know, it’s like little things like that that I just didn’t like, I didn’t like that. It, it didn’t, I didn’t feel different in my family, but I know that other people saw me differently. Um, and I, yeah, I didn’t care for that.

Damon:                       00:06:52          Yeah. Right.

Alison:                         00:06:52          You know, I didn’t like,

Damon:                       00:06:53          yeah, that’s like what I was saying. You just want to feel normal. And if you’re constantly reminded of it, it’s kind of annoying. Right?

Alison:                         00:07:01          You just want to feel normal. Right.

Damon:                       00:07:02          Alison followed up by pointing out that their two youngest children are also adoptees and they love making a big deal out of the day they were adopted too. They were older at the time of...

Andrew lives in Murphy, Oregon, near Grant’s Pass but his is an east coast story. Andrew grew up kinda feeling like an odd man out in his family, not fitting his parents ideas of who he would be. In an amazing coincidence, his pen pal relationship with an elementary school class was key to unlocking his adoption reunion search. The open road took him to meet his birth father who introduced him to his maternal grandmother.She welcomed Andrew at first, but ultimately she was unable to separate him from the memories of what his birthfather did to her daughter years before. This is Andrew’s journey.  

Jessica is a rare native, born and raised, in Las Vegas, Nevada. She shares how she found her biological relatives through DNA testing despite her best attempts to get information from the Mormon church, an entity focused on global genealogy. Jessica discovered she looks like her birth families and has similar traits to them. But Jessica also learned that for all she has in common with her birth mother, and how much she wants to meet the woman, they are barred from seeing one another. This is Jessica’s journey.

Laura called me via Skype, would you believe, from Falkirk Scotland. Laura told the story of her childhood knowledge that she might have siblings out in the world, and her quest to meet them. When she met her biological mother things started slowly as Laura tested the woman to make sure she wasn’t going to leave again — and she didn’t — then she did. Laura’s developed a great connection with her paternal sister, even though Laura never got to meet her biological father. This is Laura’s journey.

The post 095 – I Tested Her To See If She’d Give Up appeared first on Who Am I...Really? Podcast.

Laura (00:03):

Yeah,

Laura (00:03):

That would see her call and she would text me and I just, I couldn't, I didn't feel able to respond. I was too frightened to answer and to go into, I don't know why I was maybe texting her, maybe just to see if she would give up on me, but she doesn't.

intro (00:24):

Who am I? Who am I? Who

intro (00:27):

am I? Who am I?

Damon (00:31):

Who am I? Who am I? This is who am I really a podcast about adoptees that have located and connected with their biological family members. I'm Damon Davis and on today's show is Laura. She called me via Skype. Would you believe from fallkirk, Scotland. Laura told me the story of her childhood knowledge that she might have siblings out in the world and her quest to meet them when she met her biological mother. Things started out slowly as Laura tested the woman to make sure she wasn't going to leave again and she didn't. Then she did. Laura developed a great connection with her paternal sister even though Laura never got to meet her biological father. This is Laura's journey. If you heard last week show with Barry, you're probably wondering what's up with all of these guests from Scotland all of a sudden, I promise you it was purely coincidence that Laura's story followed his. Laura made time to speak with me after running two races that morning, uh, 5k and a 10K. so as we settled into her recovery time, I asked Laura to take me back to the beginning of her journey, which started in Alloa Clackmannanshire. And yes, I really wanted to say Clapman Shire.

Laura (01:48):

Well, I feel like I approach my own story with caution because so much of it is only known from the social work records that I have and from the stories that my adoptive parents told me. Um, from what I know, my parents, who I was born to, were and our relationship for our own nine months. And that came to an abrupt end upon the discovery of my mom being pregnant with me. And I think she only discovered that pregnancy at around five months. Then so quietly, wow. My parents worked in the hotel trade. My mum was a training trainee chef and my dad was a waiter and when I was born, my mother was aged 20 and my dad was 33 so she was quite young. And my dad, my dad was fairly young, but he was in the middle of a, a second divorce. Um, so I think maybe my mom had been an affair or maybe I rebound following the breakdown of his marriage. Um, so I often wonder if when I was conceived and by what, by what accident of failed contraception or drunk and forgetfulness, I came to be, eh, but the, the decision to have me placed and to care seemed to send around, eh, the lack of support that my mom had from my father and from our family. And maybe I'll lack of confidence on her part and perhaps a lack of money because where she was working, she, you still have end the hotels. And when I was born she was living in homeless accommodation.

Damon (03:25):

So Laura's birth mother was living in a homeless shelter that September while she was in the hospital for eight days before moving to foster care. She stayed there for three months until she met her adoptive parents who took her home in December of that year. Laura was rattling off the facts of her chapter one backstory when she said this,

Laura (03:45):

If it feels so unpassionate, they talk to them about the story because it doesn't feel like it's about me. The fact I was born with a different name. It makes it feel like that baby is someone else.

Damon (03:54):

I know.

Laura (03:56):

it feels like recounting the story of a stranger, but for as long as I can remember, I knew that I was adopted and it felt like my family accessed it as ghosts walking around. In my mind. They weren't physically there, but it felt like they would ever present.

Damon (04:14):

Are you referring to your birth family?

Laura (04:16):

Yeah. Yeah. it felt like. it felt like my birth family, I knew, I knew that they were there, but for whatever reason I wasn't sure why I didn't ask bucket and half of them. Um, so it was a bit strange.

Damon (04:29):

Laura's adoptive parents mentioned to her one day that there was a possibility that she had biological siblings. The announcement made her really curious about what parts of herself were out there. I asked Laura about when she remembered having that ghostly feeling.

Laura (04:44):

I think one day my adoptive mom and I were having an argument. I was only maybe about seven or eight and I think I was misbehaving and I must've really upset my adoptive mum and she said to me, in anger. You know, you can go back to your birth mom, we can send you back. And my reply was when I'm at that stage, she got really, really angry and I think it was from then it seemed to validate that my family were real and that they were out there, I wonder what they looked like. I became a lot more conscious of the fact that I didn't look like anyone and I think that's when, that's when it became more prominent. I think

Damon (05:31):

Laura describes herself as having fair light, blonde hair in a family of Brown haired parents. It wasn't a stark difference enough to prevent her from passing as their child with others, but it was striking to her that she had no similarities with them. No one's mouth, eyes, nose or jawline. She said the differences weren't significant to her. Just noticeable. But it became pronounced when she noticed the joy her parents, other people took and comparing themselves to their own parents. Of course, family similarities and dissimilarities are not limited to physical traits. Did you notice any differences in your own personality traits in likes and dislikes?

Laura (06:12):

I think so. My adoptive parents were very hands on practical people. They light scalped and then they like sewing and they're like DIY and I was never into these things at all. I was into reading books and writing stories and drawing and things like that and where they were very outgoing and party animals. I was very quiet and introverted. I think. So. I don't know. I don't know if I was the child that they expected or the child that they ideally would have wanted. Maybe it would have been different if I'd been born to them. Maybe that some of that would come to me through the, through the genes.

Damon (06:50):

Yeah. Yeah, that's a good point. It's a, it's a wonder that, uh, people feel like the child that they get is going to somehow be molded into the person that they want.

Laura (07:02):

Yeah.

Damon (07:03):

And I think it's only become realized by a lot of parents these days that you know, this blank slate idea is not at all valid because the giant does in fact come with a lot of heredity. They know that that was passed on to them. I was curious to know whether Laura knew any other adoptees growing up. Sometimes that can reduce the otherness that an adoptee feels and prevents them from feeling like some kind of pariah. She knew one other kid at school whose brothers and sisters were also adopted. The adoption narrative they received was positive, like the children had been saved or given a better life. So Laura bought into that mentality. She was very pleased to be with her family even though she was confused about why she couldn't know her birth family. When I asked about the catalyst for Laura's search, she said she'd always had some social worker sourced information about her birth family, but it wasn't until she was 17 years old in 2007 that she was legally allowed to view her original birth certificate. She left the social work department with a copy of her OBC, which documented the name Laura was given when she was born. Ashley, from the moment she received that document, it was pretty much a given that she was going to search. Laura and her adoptive mother went to visit a social worker who gave her the information. She told us in the beginning the relationship between her parents, et cetera. The social worker initiated a search for her birth mother and before long they were facilitating a letter exchange because they'd found her. Her name is Isabelle. The social worker shared that she had moved out of Scotland, gotten married, and had more children. That news didn't sit well with Laura

Laura (08:48):

After me. She had gotten married and she had two boys, and I remember when I found out the age of my brothers, so at the time I was 17 and I think around at one brother was five and the other one was 14 and when I found that out, I felt really angry.

Damon (09:08):

Where were you angry?

Laura (09:09):

I felt angry that she, I felt she'd moved on too quickly and had another boy, and I felt jealous and angry that he got to stay. But I didn't express that anger at all. I think I hope that I kept that under wraps because I thought if the social worker sees I'm angry or if it gets back to her I'm angry, it may sabotage things.

Damon (09:31):

In her intro letter to Isabelle, Laura tried to play things nonchalant and portrayed a positive adoption experience. She painted a happy picture for this woman to come into and tried to not to convey that she had missed this woman whom she didn't actually know her birth mother's response letter went something like this.

Laura (09:49):

The sort of tone of it was that our life had been quite difficult and she'd had to make some hard choices. She explained that she got married, had the two boys, and then the marriage broke down and she moved with the two boys to Northern Ireland. She didn't go into too much detail, but she said the marriage had been difficult. Um, she said that she hoped, she was glad to hear that my life had been good and she said that she would be coming over to Scotland quite soon with the boys so that they could see their dad and that she hoped to meet me then. So all seemed quite positive for me.

Damon (10:27):

Excellent. Yeah. At least for starters. Yeah. So were you, were you in any way comforted by just the fact that she wanted to be in touch, that you were corresponding, that you had connected with this person?

Laura (10:38):

Definitely. I had been, I think coached and counseled for the possibility of her, not wanting contact. And I think, I think, I thought I was ready to deal with that. But I think if that had been the case, I think it would have affected me hugely in ways that I could never have contemplated. Fortunately that wasn't the case. Um, but looking back now, I think our relationship could have used a lot more support than we got. As we moved on to reunion together,

Damon (11:06):

Their social worker arranged a meeting at a local restaurant for the mother and daughter to meet. Isabel caught a taxi. Laura drove herself as she had just gotten her license. Their social worker met them outside in the parking lot

Laura (11:19):

And I just don't remember her getting out of the taxi and coming up to me and I remember that she didn't look like the person that thought she was going to look in the head. I think. I think I've always had a 20 year old girl in my head and she stayed like that. And my mind, she didn't age and my mind, our face, I think in my, in my mind I had my mother who looked like someone softer when the social work helped me and got my records for me. They found some photographs of my mom and I together in the hospital when I was, so I would have seen them when I was 17 um yeah, all those before I met her and she obviously looked younger and when I met her she was 37 so not old, but you know, she looked different to have a thought and I think that was a bit of a shock. Um, I didn't know what to do with our, I thought do I cuddle her, do I shake her hand? What do I do? I'm not really sure if I remember who I had done. I just remember looking and wondering how, how do I feel about this person is there's something I should feel as there is a rope that should be between our two hearts pulling us together. I wasn't sure. I don't think we touched, I think we say hello and I think we moved quite quickly into their shrunk together. With the social worker

Damon (12:42):

That's really interesting. You don't recall shaking hands, hugging anything. You just sort of walked parallel into the restaurant?

Laura (12:49):

I think so. I think so. I remember my first physical contact with her...

Dan has barely told anyone the his whole story until this episode. He shared that he was in the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) as an infant. Then his son's rare medical condition and his wife’s ability to share her heredity while he could not was a catalyst for his search. Dan is thankful for the warm welcome he’s received in his paternal family, and is still hoping that his birthmother will come around to wanting to know him. This is Dan's Journey.

Dan (00:04):

I kind of find it ironic that now that I found my birth father, that my birth parents had passed away. So it's like, I hear a lot of people when you try to read to your birth parents, it's like your chapter one in the beginning. You don't know that. But now that I met them, I'm getting more about my beginning, but I don't have my parents to give me chapters one and two, you know, when you're real young and you don't remember everything,

Damon (00:30):

Who am I? Who am I?

Damon (00:35):

Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? This is who am I really a podcast about adoptees that have located and connected with their biological family members. I'm Damon Davis and on today's show is Daniel. He called me from Nicholasville, Kentucky. Dan has barely told anyone his whole story until this episode, he shared that his son's rare medical condition and his wife's ability to share her heredity while he could not was a catalyst for his search. Dan is thankful for the warm welcome he's received in his paternal family and is still hoping that his birth mother will come around to wanting to know him. This is Dan's journey. Daniel was born in January of 1980, adopted four months later after he spent that period of time in the neonatal intensive care unit, the NICU.

Dan (01:34):

So I was born six weeks premature, and I had some brain and lung issues. So I was in the NICU for the first four months of life. The doctor didn't think I would live to two may never walk and could be blind.

Damon (01:48):

Dan's adoptive parents had a variety of personal setbacks that prevented them from getting pregnant. But four years after Dan was born, his little brother who is biological to their parents was conceived. They grew up out in the country, outside of Morgantown, West Virginia, and the brothers got along just fine. Their father's side of the family lived nearby. So all of the kids just ran up and down from house to house, taking advantage of being outdoors.

Dan (02:15):

Two of my uncles live within a mile of me, so we could walk. I could walk house to house and run around and displaying the neighborhood.

Damon (02:22):

That's incredible. That's some of the best growing up, man, when you can just go between house to house, safe and sound. No worries.

Dan (02:31):

Go run around to the woods in the neighborhood and play, stick guns and just run around. And so, yeah,

Damon (02:37):

I love that. That's really amazing. Yeah. Dan said he never felt out of place in his family. He said he always knew he was adopted. And his adopted mother used to talk about his birth mother calling her by name. Dan said, he'd share more about that later. In his fourth grade health class, Dan learned what adoption truly meant. I asked him how felt when he learned the meaning of adoption at that age,

Dan (03:03):

I kind of cut kind of quiet about it. And what was interesting in my house, my mother was adopted around the age of eight. She was adopted, but learning later on when I became in my twenties and thirties, learning about her adoption, it's much different and darker in contrast to my own story. So I never really talked to her about it at all. Despite the commonality that we have. So, um, once I found out, I remember feeling kind of confused about why I was adopted and even though you're adopted and my family was great. It's still kind of like you fit in. You know, even though you fit in with your family, you still know there's something else. It's kind of different. If that makes sense.

Damon (03:41):

Dan kept quiet about adoption growing up, going on to graduate high school, attend the university of Kentucky for college, then earned his PhD in biomedical engineering. It was in grad school where he met his wife and they eventually had a son together the whole time Dan's own adoption. Never really came up as a topic of discussion.

Dan (04:02):

All honesty. No, I kept it to myself. I think I told my wife while we were dating. And then I really didn't bring it up hardly at all with anybody, I guess I didn't know how to talk about, so I wasn't sure how to process it. So I just never talked about it. So for me to come on this podcast to talk to you is kind of a big step.

Damon (04:22):

Wow. Well, thanks for doing it, man. You're going to, yeah, it's going to be interesting to see how you feel at the other end, after having delved into everything. And then I'm sure you're going to help somebody else by sharing your own story too.

Dan (04:34):

That's a part of the reason I agreed to do it. Cause I contact you and I'll talk about it here a little bit later when we get into the search of how I found the podcast while I was searching.

Damon (04:43):

Interesting. Well, that's exactly what I was going to getting ready to turn to then is you sound like you found out what adoption truly meant when you were maybe eight years old. Fourth grade? Yeah. About eight or nine. Yeah. You kept it in the back of your mind. Never really talked about it at all. You revealed it to your wife when you, before you got married when you started dating, but that was it. So what was the catalyst for you to even begin a search? Because it sounds like you pushed it down and didn't really have any interest in, in looking. What was, what, what sparked your interest? All of a sudden

Dan (05:17):

The first one started in 2010 when my father passed away. So I started thinking, what if it's too late? I don't want to hear a second hand about my biological parents. I'd like to be able to at least meet them or talk to them hopefully and see if the name that I had initially for my birth mother was correct.

Damon (05:35):

Dan started searching in 2010 using the name his adoptive mother had for his birth mother. He said that at the time he was adopted, one of the wristbands on his tiny arm had the woman's name on it, identifying them as mother and son. So his mom secretly jotted the name down, then wrote it in Danny's baby book. For later, she also scribbled the non identifying information. She knew in the book. In 2011, he applied for his non-identifying information, receiving a huge packet in the mail from the state of West Virginia.

Dan (06:08):

So at basically gave me some information about my medical history and said I was born early and that my birth mother intended to use a private agency to facilitate the adoption. But the agency said I was too sick and that no one would probably want me. So that's why she went to the state to facilitate the adoption. You said I had some issues with my lung, an affection and a brain bleed. And again, they said they probably probably wouldn't survive. So I was born about eight weeks early.

Damon (06:38):

Let me ask you this, just on that, because you've raised your, your challenges at birth more than once. And how was it for you to read those details about yourself? I guess there's two pieces to that. One if they have manifested themselves in you throughout your life, as an adult, then you would have lived with it and it probably didn't strike you, but like just tell me, what did it feel like to learn those details about yourself as an infant?

Dan (07:07):

Well, I, oddly enough knew pretty much about them growing up. And in fact, I remember in high school having to write like a book about myself from, you know, age zero to 18 and you know, my mom helped write my first chapters in my life and telling how I was in the hospital then. So when I learned about it, when I got my down in identifying information, it just really kind of confirmed what I already knew. So it wasn't anything really shocking, I guess the most shocking part would be that she attempted to use an agency and that she's like, no, you're, he's too sick. And then she had to go to the state. So I guess that if anything would be the most shocking or eye opening part where it's like they can pick and choose the agencies kind of. So that was probably the most opening part. And from listening to your podcast and the other ones and joining some Facebook group, that's probably the most eyeopening part. It's like, no, we're going to pass you off to the state.

Damon (08:03):

Yeah, I can't help. But think of that situation almost like product quality control.

Dan (08:13):

Yes. That's, that's probably what I kind of the biggest opening eyes about adoption in a whole that I kind of, you know, after here, again, hearing your podcast and looking on the internet, just kind of realizing that the most eyeopening part. Yeah,

Damon (08:27):

No, you you're teaching me something here because I can't say that I really had ever focused in on this piece. I've, you know, I've often heard adoption referred to as, you know, a moneymaker and you know, some of the, in a, in a commercialized entity and things like that. And, and I understand it in theory, but I've never really thought truly about what you just said, that as, you know, you envision a product coming down the assembly line and you know, the mechanical arm sweeps the bad ones away. That's really, that's really fascinating. I just never really thought that that was a piece of it. Thank you for that. The non identifying information stated that his birth mother was home for Christmas. Then Dan was born. It described the relationship in which he was conceived as a summer fling.

Dan (09:24):

It did note that my birth mother contacted my birth father shortly after the birth and that a social worker also talked about him or talked about me. So it did indicate that my birth father knew I was born. So anyway, so when I get the letter, initially, it says we've deleted all names, deleted all non-identifying information. So I looked through my 30 pages information and from that information, I could find my full birth father's name in the file. So

Damon (09:53):

Somehow the man's name had been left in the case notes. He was even able to piece together his birth mother's name, even though he already had that information. Dan figured out what state his biological parents were from. And he learned his birth mother's career goals. With those clues. Dan went online.

Dan (10:11):

I took that information in 2011 and was able to find my birth mother on Facebook. And I sent her a meshes in 2011 and never heard back from her. So I kind of just dropped it. And then at the same time, I was looking for my birth father, but he had a very common name. So it was impossible for me to find him in 2011. So I kind of just dropped it. I just went, okay. I didn't hear any saying, who knows. Maybe I had the wrong person. Maybe the information was wrong. So I really didn't think about it again until 2017, when my mother, all of a sudden, a passed away. And even then I decided not to look at all. It wasn't again, till November of 2017. And my son was almost one and a half and he started walking, but he had a little bit of a gait issue.

Dan (10:59):

So our pediatrician said, Hey, why don't you go to a hospital nearby and get him checked out for his gait issue? See if it's something with his bones. So at his two year checkup, it turned out it wasn't any single bones, but he was still walking a little bit funny. So we went ahead and started physical therapy and it was in the August of 2018. The physical therapist said, he's not walking quite right. You really should go see a neurologist. So we went to a children's hospital locally nearby, and the neurologist checked him out and he ended up, they were thinking he had musclar dystrophy and ended up turning out that he didn't have muscular dystrophy, but he had a really large belly and he's had a really large belly since birth. So she poked around on his liver and stomach area and did an ultrasound and come back that he had an enlarged liver and spleen with elevated liver enzymes. So the next week we ended up going back up to that hospital and seeing the GI doctors and after meeting with the GI doctors, the doctor said, I bet he has a rare condition called glycogen storage disease or GSD. And if you type in GSD on the internet, you'll come up with German shepherd dog,

Damon (12:12):

Which is not your son. So what, tell me, tell me what is GSD and is it something, what does it mean for his future?

Dan (12:20):

Okay, well, so GSD is actually a genetic disorder. So it's basically where your liver normally stores sugar for night. So after you eat the insulin, we'll take the sugar and put it in the liver. So when you're not eating or sleeping deliverable, then release the sugar back out into the body. So it'll keep the brain active and muscles active for you. Well, with glycogen storage disease, the liver will take in the sugar, but it will not release it. So you could become hypoglycemic. And there's two forms of glycogen storage disease. There's a very severe form where you have to eat every three to four hours to keep your blood sugar up or you become hypoglycemic...

Before becoming an adoptee advocate Rich was searching for his own identity. As a child, his older adopted sister vengefully told him their mom wasn’t his real mother. It made him wonder who the other woman could be. When he was in college, his adoptive parents gave him an envelope of non-identifying information. Many years later they handed him another document that revealed his birth name. Rich found himself resenting their decision to withhold information from him that he clearly wanted. When he found his maternal aunt they discussed his birth mother enough to realize she wasn’t the only sister in the family to have relinquished a son in Denver.

Read Full TranscriptRich:                            00:00               I started reading her the description of the birth father from my non identifying records and she got really quiet and she said, oh, this changes everything she goes, I know who your birth father was and so once we sorted it all out, we were both in bed for two days because she hadn’t known that her younger sister had done this.

Voices:                        00:35               Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?

Damon:                       00:47               This is Who Am I Really? A podcast about adoptees that have located and connected with their biological family members. I’m Damon Davis and on today’s show is Rich. He called me from Denver, Colorado where he works in adoptee advocacy, but before he took on that body of work, Rich was searching for his own identity. When he was in college, his adoptive parents gave him an envelope of non identifying information. Then years later he received another document with his birth name. When he found his maternal aunt, they discussed his birth mother enough to realize she wasn’t the only sister in the family to have relinquished a son in Denver. This is Rich’s journey. Rich has an older sister who was adopted, like himself, and a younger sister who was the biological child of his parents. Like many adoptive parents, they didn’t think they could conceive a child until she was born. They were set with their daughter and son they had adopted and there was no plans for any more children. It’s amazing how often that storyline is repeated in adoption. Interestingly, since adoption was such an open topic in their family, at one point their younger sister had a bit of an identity crisis.

Rich:                            02:03               The funny thing, you know, how families show slides and baby pictures and that sort of thing. And um, my younger sister was the only one with the newborn new new newborn photos. And at one point she sort of had an existential crisis thinking that she was adopted too, but they just weren’t telling her.

Damon:                       02:23               Oh, interesting.

Rich:                            02:25               You’re, you’re the only one with the pictures in which your purple.

Damon:                       02:30               Hmm.

Rich:                            02:32               They’ve got, they’ve got the evidence.

Damon:                       02:34               Yeah. You’re new new newborn in this. Wow. That’s really fascinating. I’ve never heard anyone talk about their sibling who was biological to their parents having this alignment of their identification with you and your sister as adoptees before. That’s fascinating. Yeah. The mind of a child, you know, you want to be like those around you. And if the two out of the three children in your home are adoptees you must figure, oh, I must be adopted too.

Rich:                            03:03               Well, and it was, it was a hot topic for a while, uh, because my, uh, older sister one day was angry with me and she presented it to me in a different light when she said, rather than saying you were adopted, a lot of them wanted and chosen and all those things that we hear. She said, mom’s not your real mom. And I was five at the time. It was, it was pretty devastating to me. It shook my world. I said, I just said, what? So she just repeated it. Nope. Mom’s not your real mom and sort of gloried in the triumph of having stunned me. And so of course I went and asked my mom about it and she explained that even though they’d said that we were adopted, that was different than thinking that there was another mom out there somewhere. And I really struggled with that.

Rich:                            04:00               I moped around and was depressed and was saying, I wish I knew who my real mom was. And finally at one point she just said, well, I’m your real mom. She was your first mom. Something in my head said, okay, and we, we move forward with that. But it never, I always wanted to know. Uh, the unfortunate thing is, is she told me I would never know. And so that hung with me and there’s a part of me that was very saddened by that and the part of me that filed it away kind of like saying, well, we’ll, we’ll see. You know, we’ll see if I never know.

Damon:                       04:39               Rich said, other than that they had the quintessential suburban family. They went to church every Sunday, went on family vacations to see relatives and visit various states across the country. I asked Rich about the relative homogeneity of his family. I’m often curious about the visual clues a person might have that they are somehow different from their family members.

Rich:                            05:00               And it was kinda funny because one day someone commented, that, my dad and I looked alike and we just sort of looked at each other and said, well, that’s funny. We both have blue eyes and we both have big ears, but that’s about as far as it went.

Damon:                       05:16               It’s pretty funny. I remember I used to do that too. You know, people would say that to my dad. Oh my gosh, he looks just like you. And immediately we would look at each other like, really do I? It’s funny, I used to say, I said, you know, my father passed away. I said in his, the sort of eulogy speech that I gave that I think that people saw more of the spirit that you picked up from the person in the fact that you’re there together interacting. Then they did actually, you know, a physical resemblance in my opinion.

Rich:                            05:47               Right? I think so that you, you imitate mannerisms and gestures and even facial expressions. It’s the whole nature and nurture piece of the conversation.

Damon:                       05:58               I asked Rich to describe his personality traits as compared with those of his other family members. He said his parents were the post World War II generation, People who had a job to do and did it. They kept their commitments and they really applied themselves to their lives. He said their differences weren’t as apparent until he was old enough to be more contemplative about it all.

Rich:                            06:19               Their biological heritage was mainly English and German, which, you know, if you want to stereotype cultures, tend to be a little more still like a little less communicative. And my biological heritage is Irish and Swedish and Scottish and a little bit of northern European mud. And so in that sense, I think I was wired pretty differently from what they were. And it wasn’t, it wasn’t clear at first, but I think that as I grew up and started to think more critically about our interaction and what was happening and um, some of the dynamics, I think that we really, I don’t know if we were oil and water, it’s not like, we had fights all the time or that kind of thing. It was just my internal expectation of how the world interacted was very different than theirs and at times it left me feeling, Eh, what’s the best word? Somewhere somewhere between not normal and crazy for thinking and communicating and wanting to interact the way that I wanted to and getting the message that this didn’t make sense.

Damon:                       07:44               Interesting. Around what age do you recall feeling that way and can you give me even the highest level example of something that exemplifies that feeling?

Rich:                            07:54               Probably I would say initially maybe about age seven which interestingly enough is the age at which many adoptees and children in general start to develop the capacity to grieve, in second grade, I would have these crying jags at school and I didn’t know why. The teacher would say, what’s wrong? What’s happening? What? Did someone hit you? Did someone do something to you? And I couldn’t explain it and I said, I don’t know. I just can’t stop crying. I didn’t learn about that until years later. At Adoptees in Search here in Colorado when Ron Nydam, who is a therapist and an author mentioned that, where you just casually mentioned in passing in one of the talks he gave that eight, seven, or eight is when children develop a capacity to grieve. And that light went off right away. And so in in the midst of those feelings with my folks, I can remember feeling things. One night I walked into the living room and sort of stood at the edge. I think my mom was reading a book and my dad was reading a newspaper or something like that. And uh, my mom looked up and inside I had all these, moist emotions roiling around as she looked up and in a very pleasant tone and just said, how can I help you as if she was sort of, you know, the family waitress, but completely or seemingly unaware that anything wrong was going, was happening inside me. She was asking like, would you like a glass of milk? And so that’s probably my earliest memory of that.

Damon:                       09:43               And what, what happened when you, but you were, you were boiling inside, like the emotions were just raw. It sounds like,

Rich:                            09:50               right? It was. It was. I didn’t, I didn’t have words for what was going on, but probably probably at the time just would have helped a lot to have been hugged or held. We weren’t a particularly affectionate family, especially after a certain age. When we were little, you know, we were read to and sat on our mom’s lap, just that unite and that sort of thing. So as I said, I think pretty typical the generation, and it’s interesting because I’ve talked to people who are not adopted, men who were not adopted in particular, uh, about the dynamics in their family and how it impacted them. And it leads to an interesting conversation about what is related to adoption, what’s related to being raised by postwar parents. Many men were raised a certain way or emotionally traumatized by war and just not able to be as engaged emotionally or...