Who Shat On The Floor At My Wedding? And Other Crimes

It all ends today*. 

It's time to chase down the last two remaining leads in our frantic mission to get justice for João; Ana from the Slovenian chain, and Joanna from the Dutch chain. Will they lead us to the source of the lie or to to João's parents?

A shocking confession from a superspreader reveals how his fake story reached millions. And to close the case, we launch a social experiment designed to rewrite the future of this legend. We didn't think it would end like this but here we are...

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*for now.

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After asking listeners to submit their own versions of this story, we start building a global timeline. One that tracks how this story mutated and spread across borders and decades.

Then we find it. A newspaper article from 1904. Suddenly João is the least of our problems. And just as we're ready to give up (again)… a key witness steps forward.

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The long awaited investigation returns in our attempt to finally find Justice for João.

At the end of Doggy Bag Part 2, we put out a call to listeners across the world asking for any leads connected to this story. What came back was nothing short of shocking.

This is the episode where myth meets evidence. Where coincidence becomes pattern. And where we start to believe this story could actually... be true.

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Contact is finally made with the sole witness to this crime - a small leopard gecko who goes by the name Persephone. And against all odds, she leads us directly to our prime suspect. The only person who fits this crime perfectly, with both motive and intent.

But when the suspect is finally confronted, a confusing confession sends us spiralling. Reality starts to wobble. And we are left asking ourselves some very serious questions including but not limited to: have we been out-detectived by a gecko?

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What kind of criminal breaks into your home… and cleans it?

When a man from Massachusetts leaves the house with his son, he returns to a scene of domestic disturbance. Floors scrubbed. Surfaces polished. Toys in his son’s room neatly rearranged, and intricate toilet paper roses left in the bathrooms. Nothing stolen. Nothing damaged. Just a mysteriously cleaned house, with no explanation why.

At first, this appears to be a hopeless case with no leads, no motive and zero suspects. But things take a sharp turn when an unlikely witness emerges. There's only one tiny problem... this witness isn’t human.

Undeterred, we attempt to make contact with the creature, embarking on a journey that is as bizarre as it is revealing. And if you thought we’d hit peak unhinged already… you have no idea what’s coming. 

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How good are we at solving crimes… statistically speaking?

After several months of operating the Unqualified Detective Agency, we finally attempt to answer the question no one asked but everyone fears: what is our actual crime-solving success rate?

A supposedly simple calculation quickly descends into bickering, selective memory, creative accounting, and a spirited debate over what should and definitely should not count as “solved”.

To restore order, we bring in a professional statistician to crunch the numbers properly. The result is a percentage so alarming it raises serious questions about competence, confidence, and whether maths should ever be trusted.

If you’ve ever wondered how not to measure success, this bonus episode is for you.

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On 14th December 2019, a child-sized decorative Santa vanished from The Strawberry Hall pub in Dublin.

But this wasn’t your average festive felony.

Within 24 hours, photos of the kidnapped Santa began appearing on a dedicated Instagram account, mocking the pub, and taunting Ireland.

And then came the twist no one was prepared for.
Santa wasn’t just stolen…
he was being held for ransom.
For €5,000, to be precise.

As the investigation deepens, the plot thickens with every clue. Was this the work of opportunistic thieves? A carefully orchestrated prank? Or most disturbingly - was this an inside job?

It’s beginning to look a lot like… evidence.

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In the tense finale of Rural Rectal Rampage, we finally meet the shadowy figure pulling the strings behind the entire scandal.

A seemingly simple confrontation unravels into something far more complex… an unexpected motive that forces everyone to rethink everything they thought they knew about the crime… and about themselves.

As we piece together the true intent behind the Rampage, we arrive at a dangerous crossroads:
is our duty simply to solve crimes…or has this investigation pushed us toward actually committing one?

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A prime suspect suddenly blocks Karen from all form of communication, disappearing without a trace. Meanwhile, a reckless pyramid scheme involving teenagers spirals wildly out of control, taking the case to fresh levels of unprofessionalism.

Desperate for answers, Karen takes stalking to bold new heights, while Lauren conducts a final high pressure interrogation that could make or break the entire investigation.

Who truly set the Rural Rectal Rampage in motion, and what twisted mind wakes up one day and chooses this life?

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The investigation reaches new levels of desperation. 

We find ourselves loitering outside a school, attempting to brief two teenagers on an undercover mission. We consult a nurse about the medical implications of anal insertions. And out of nowhere, a mysterious stranger appears with divine intervention.

But nothing prepares us for the final question....is this scandal confined to Chipping Norton…or is it far bigger than we ever imagined?

Support us on Patreon http://patreon.com/whoshatontheflooratmywedding

Follow us on Instagram @whoshatontheflooratmywedding for case evidence and behind-the-scenes.

Sound design by @juanthummler

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.