Do you ever wonder why your wife just isn’t getting on board with your decisions? Whatever your idea or plan was, it made perfect sense. But your wife isn’t going along with it–and in fact may even be pulling the other direction! This podcast is about one thing we husbands must learn to do well in order to be together as a couple on our decisions.

Receiving Influence is something we must learn to do well. It simply means that the husband makes himself open to persuasion from his wife. This is something that marriage researcher, Dr. John Gottman, emphasizes as a critical trait of healthy marriages.

It’s the opposite of being stubborn or domineering and it is particularly important that the husband pays close attention to this. Marriage is a great tool to help us become less selfish. It is sometimes hard to be open to our spouse’s influence and that might be seen in comments where we dismiss their input by saying something like, “Nonsense, what are you talking about? That’s ridiculous!” Or even more subtle remarks like “It’s not that big a deal…” or “I’m sorry, but someone had to make a decision”.

These types of statements tell one’s wife that I’m not willing to receive her influence.

Not being open leads your spouse to become angry and frustrated. That often leads to contempt and criticism: both of which are highly corrosive in a marriage. It leaves the other spouse feeling disrespected and erodes a sense of us, creating two “me” spouses.

Ephesians 5:28 says “Husbands love their wives as their own bodies”. This really puts the husband under obligation to serve his wife’s needs as much as his own. When you do a good job of receiving influence, you’re signaling your wife that you’re recognizing here presence, worth, feelings, and opinions.

Dr. John Gottman calls it the “Aikido principle”. It’s a rule from Japenese martial arts: you must yield to your opponent in order to win. You become more powerful by sharing your power with your spouse.

Make this:

Part of the idea here is learning to understand each other and to honour different perspectives. When we approach a major decision together, we have the opportunity to both maintain our own self-esteem and also to build understanding.

Receiving influence is a combination of perspective and communication skills. We’ve addressed the perspective issue above. As far as communication skills go, try some of these answers next time:

See how these are inviting your wife closer rather than pushing her away? This tells her you are honouring the huge role that she plays in your life.

Question from someone identifying herself as “JustChill”:

Why doesn’t my husband consult me when making plans for us? For example, he invited friends over for dinner without asking me and only informed me less an hour before they arrived. He invited my parents out to dinner by asking them without even telling me of his intentions. He told me where we would vacation instead of asking me if I wanted to go there. He also said we would be moving out of state and never formally asked me if I wanted to move, he only said, “why wouldn’t you?” What explains this behavior? I understand my husband wants to be the “man” but its not right that he makes plans as if we are the same person.

Well, that ties right into what we talked about in this episode! Have a listen to find out how we answered the question!

Image courtesy of PK under the Creative Commons license.