God knew when I would meet him. He allowed me to experience the world first. He patiently waited for me to come to him for help. Maybe you have met him already. Maybe you haven’t yet. Just know that his timing is always perfect. With his loving nature you can’t help but love him. I didn’t know how but he showed me how.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://bossbabeliving.home.blog/2020/12/28/he-knew/

When I was younger my dad told me something that caught me by surprise.He said most of my problems were originating from the fact that I didn’t love myself.

I was confused..  of course I loved myself. “But if you love yourself, why do you treat yourself that way?” – Dad. Before I got a chance to answer, he said “I’m careful with the food I choose and things I listen to because I love myself and taking care of yourself is part of loving yourself.”

Because of how selfish I was back then, I felt I loved myself a little too much.

Turns out my selfishness stemmed from lack not love.

Running on empty or trying to find fulfillment in the wrong things will leave you in constant struggle.Selfishness is really a void that is trying to be filled.

Trying to find fulfillment in the short term things will leave you repeating things full circle and wondering how you got there again.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://bossbabeliving.home.blog/2020/12/27/love-yourself-enough/

My first heartbreak wasn’t a secret to anyone because it was quite eventful — sometimes I found myself blabbing about it. Drunk weekend nights ended in letting half the bar know what had happened in my life.

I felt I broke my own heart by ruining us and I couldn’t talk about it. I couldn’t misplace the hurt and be angry at him. I felt the void and it hurt too much. I would get upset if people brought him up. It bothered me to hear anything that had to do with him or about him because I felt the sting as if it was a fresh wound.

I didn’t make sense of it until it we were over. Wondering at times what was I thinking? – Too many games… I couldn’t even keep track of them. I was hot and cold. I would say one thing but mean another.

Back then I was hoping I could act that insane and do everything to push him away and he somehow could look past it and make it work. I was hoping he could see through it all and know that I was just scared. But instead he wished me the best. So many conversations of the same thing – he was trying to let me know where his head and heart were at and how he wanted it to workout but all the things I was doing… he didn’t say it, but I knew.. who would put up with it? I’ll never forget the look he gave me when I disappointed him. It was this softness mixed with hurt but understanding all at the same time.  He had lived this already but wild nights out with friends weren’t him so much anymore.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://bossbabeliving.home.blog/2020/12/24/somethings-you-just-cant-speak-about/

It’s never been too out of reach for me to see God work in my life like this. I have always seen his hand in my life. Sometimes we go through things that blur our vision and yes emotions or relationships could get so messy that they blind you and fog up everything but looking back, I bet if you ask yourself where God was at the time you will see his hand in it. Sometimes we can’t see or feel him in the middle of the storm but once the storm passes we can.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://bossbabeliving.home.blog/2020/12/22/what-i-never-told-you-pt-8/

For the longest time I felt like I ruined us. The version of me you were getting wasn’t even half of who I am now. We were in two different chapters of our lives. You wanted commitment, I didn’t know what I wanted. I know now that I was provoking you- trying to get a reaction from you because that was proof to me that you cared. I didn’t understand back then how love worked. With love you don’t play any of those games. I felt you knew that. You were calm. You were understanding. You were set in your career and clear on your priorities. You wanted to be with me. You said it and you showed it. I was a hot mess back then. I was unsure. I was unstable. I was inconsistent. I was insecure. I was crazy. I didn’t know what I wanted back then in my career and my priorities were not clear. I wanted to be with you too. I said it but I didn’t show it.

After us, my outlook on life changed. Nothing specific but the experience made me want to rise. You made me want to be better.

I envisioned us together. I felt I didn’t have to try with you, you got me so well. I never knew that doing nothing with someone who could feel joyful. I’m not the type to not voice my needs and requirements but I felt different about you and I wanted to take you as you were.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://bossbabeliving.home.blog/2020/12/21/what-i-never-told-you-pt-7/

wasn't even half of who I am now. We were in two different chapters of our lives. You wanted commitment, I didn't know what I wanted. I know now that I was provoking you, trying to get a reaction from you because that was proof to me that you cared. I didn't understand back then how love worked. With love, you don't play any of those games. I felt you knew that. You were calm. You were understanding. You were set in your career and clear on your priorities. You wanted to be with me. You said it and you showed it. I was a hot mess back then. I was unsure. I was unstable. I was inconsistent. I was insecure. I was crazy. I didn't know what I wanted back then in my career and my priorities were not clear. I wanted to be with you too. I said it but I didn't show it.

After us, my outlook on life changed. Nothing specific but the experience made me want to rise. You made me want to be better.

I envisioned us together. I felt I didn't have to try with you, you got me so well. I never knew that doing nothing with someone who could feel joyful. I'm not the type to not voice my needs and requirements but I felt different about you and I wanted to take you as you were.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://bossbabeliving.home.blog/2020/12/20/what-i-never-told-you-pt-6/

After you I couldn’t even pretend with anyone else. Trying to replace you didn't work and it only highlighted all the things I missed about you. You were loving and you were good but you weren’t a doormat and it was just another thing I wasn’t used to. An adult addressing things gracefully. When I felt and knew I had done enough to push you away, I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to replace you anytime soon. No one else could take up that space. I know because I tried.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://bossbabeliving.home.blog/2020/12/19/what-i-never-told-you-pt-4/

I never got to say this but I am sorry for choosing to keep around the more toxic things in my life. I reached back to something I knew that wasn’t good for me instead of facing my fear and trying a new thing. There’s a comfort in the things that are familiar, even if they aren’t good even if it is living in dysfunction. I didn’t need to worry about anyone breaking my heart because I was doing a good enough job of it

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://bossbabeliving.home.blog/2020/12/19/what-i-never-told-you-pt-3/

The minute I realized how much I liked you, I did everything I possibly could to ruin it. I didn't know how tainted I was. Feeling too much scared me and in my mind I knew how it would end so I did everything I could to speed it up. I wanted it to end before I could get caught by surprise and risk having my heart broken because it felt too good to be true. I didn’t think twice. You touched my heart too much and I wasn't going to risk my sanity again. I already knew what that felt like. So keeping you at arms length and not giving you the power to catch me by surprise was my way of burning the bridge so I wouldn’t have to cross it twice.

Before you, dating was something I did but things never were that serious because I never wanted to date in the first place. I had been with someone for a long time and what was supposed to have been marriage turned out to be betrayal and it almost cost me my life, quite literally. 20 stitches and a lesson of a lifetime. It was a horrible experience that I would, could never relive.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://bossbabeliving.home.blog/2020/12/19/what-i-never-told-you-pt-2/

You know the one thing I can't see myself forgetting was the way I felt when you looked at me. In your eyes, I could see your sincerity and I could feel you were an honest man. I know you cared about me. Like you weren't trying to save me but you would try to help me and you kept trying until you couldn’t. You came along when I least expected you to and even though I never told you, I fell in-love with you and all the little moments. I could look back at some of those moments and smile. I felt really happy. I hadn't experienced that level of genuine happiness with anyone else. The kind where we didn’t have to try and have a good time but just did. Doing nothing felt like something with you.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://bossbabeliving.home.blog/2020/12/16/what-i-never-got-to-say-to-you/