This is a recording from the Facebook Live on Friday when we had a little story time! I thought y'all would benefit from it too. In the episode, I share a memory from a dark period of time for me (Mother's Day 2017), and then tie it together with this week's theme.

I hope you love it. ♥️

In episode 84 of the Beyond the High Road podcast, host Shelby Milford discusses the challenges and emotions surrounding family-oriented holidays like Mother's Day and Father's Day, especially for target parents of alienation. Shelby shares personal anecdotes about the significance of these holidays and the memories associated with them, reflecting on how such times can be particularly difficult. She emphasizes the importance of acknowledging and validating these difficult emotions but encourages listeners to also focus on self-healing and empowerment. Shelby advises on auditing one's life for negative influences, whether it be people or social media, and suggests making intentional choices about whom and what we allow to influence our mindset and actions. She highlights the distinction between fighting against something versus fighting for something, advocating for a proactive and positive approach in life, including the path toward reconnection with our children. Shelby's message underlines the significance of self-care, adjusting one's mindset, and the power of influence in overcoming the challenges of parental alienation and enhancing one's overall well-being.

01:00 Welcome to Beyond the High Road: Navigating Emotional Seasons

01:22 Reflecting on Mother's Day and Seasonal Memories

03:52 Embracing the Emotional Journey of Motherhood

04:45 Navigating Parental Alienation: Insights and Support

05:58 The Power of Influence: Shaping Your Beliefs and Actions

06:32 Redefining Challenges: Fighting For vs. Fighting Against

08:44 The Impact of Social Media and External Influences

19:52 Auditing Your Life: Identifying and Managing Influences

26:52 The Impact of Social Media on Perception and Action

27:49 Embracing the Role Beyond Alienation

28:26 The Power of Self-Advocacy and Community Support

30:23 Choosing to Fight for Reconnection

31:56 The Long Game: Patience, Persistence, and Unconditional Love

33:22 Self-Care and Inner Work: The Foundation of Empowerment

34:53 Redefining Success: From Immediate Wins to Long-Term Goals

39:31 Influence and Environment: Curating Your Circle for Growth

42:01 Mother's Day Reflections: Beyond Traditional Expectations

44:08 Closing Thoughts and Encouragement

The dreaded deed of forgiveness: the original ”F” word, to an alienated parent.  

In this episode, Shelby shares insights on the pivotal role of forgiveness in healing from  the pain parental alienation.  She discusses the efficacy of family systems therapy over reunification therapy, drawing from advice received from a former attorney. The episode delves into the complexities of forgiveness, including Shelby's personal journey and struggles with forgiving those involved in alienating her from her child. She emphasizes that forgiveness is not about condoning others' actions but about freeing oneself from anger and resentment. Shelby talks about the importance of recognizing the humanity in those who have hurt us and understanding their actions to move towards forgiveness. She also touches upon the concept of resentment being closely linked to envy, rather than anger. The episode guides listeners on a path to healing, advocating for acknowledging and releasing resentment to reclaim one's life and break the cycle of intergenerational trauma.

The two articles referenced:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/5-types-of-people-who-can-ruin-your-life/202305/resistrefuse-dynamics-in-divorce-how-can-they

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/5-types-of-people-who-can-ruin-your-life/202308/treating-child-anxiety-in-cases-of-parental

Mending Fences Book

https://www.amazon.com/Mending-Fences-Collaborative-Cognitive-Behavioral-Reunification/dp/1950057186

00:00 Welcome to Beyond the High Road Podcast

00:14 A Message from a Trusted Attorney

01:47 Insights on Family Systems Therapy

03:25 The Power of Forgiveness in Healing

10:11 Understanding Resentment and Its Roots

13:20 The Journey Towards Forgiveness

23:50 Embracing Forgiveness for Freedom

35:59 Final Thoughts on Forgiveness and Moving Forward

I remember the first time I heard about reunification therapy... I thought, "OMG, FINALLY! There is a reasonable action to counter to all the damage that has been done! " . I was thrilled by the notion that maybe, just maybe, my case would begin to turn around.

After a little research (and a lot of legwork), I was able to have a judge order the therapy for my daughter and me. I was sure that this would be the answer to my prayers. A few sessions, and we'd be right back to snugging on the couch watching movies before bedtime.

Or so I thought...

In this episode:

Don't forget to sign up for the live event on April 27th! https://www.beyondthehighroad.com/NeutralizeMyPain

00:00 Welcome to Beyond the High Road Podcast

00:11 Announcement: Upcoming Live Event

01:04 The Challenges of Target Parents in Alienation

05:56 A Deep Dive into Reunification Therapy

12:55 Empowerment Over Fear: Making Decisions as a Target Parent

24:11 Closing Remarks and Event Reminder

Do you feel chained to the painful memories of your custody situation? Like youre obligated to tell and re-tell the same old stories about the same old incidents in order to make sense of WHY this has all happened?  

Even if you made a deciosjojn to drop it and move on, do you find yourself feeling blocked or stuck as a result of the power your ex holds over your life? 

I did.  I was TERRIFIED of becoming a “has-been” parent.  So, I held on to the torturous narrative in effort to excuse myself from being alienated, and oddly, because I felt that without the story, I wouldn’t have a purpose… that I would be letting go of the last hint of connection I had with my daughter.  Somehow I thought the pain would keep her memory close… But I would ALWAYS end up feeling MORE alienated as a result.  

It became an automatic response.  I would cry or get angry on cue (I wasn’t doing it intentionally… consciously… it just became my norm…)  

In this episode:

Register for the April 27th Event! https://www.beyondthehighroad.com/NeutralizeMyPain

Do You Self-Erase?

I believe that the people and experiences we attract into our lives are a direct reflection of how we think & feel about ourselves on the inside… We can only connect with the same level of energy that we are putting out… you know?  

Continuing on from last week, I truly believe that.. due to our individual histories, we already learned to be comfortable with denying ourselves the right to be loved.. that bc of our pasts, we learned the coping skill of hiding our true selves away.  As such, it’s rare that we allow other people to actually experience who we are.  

As alienated parents, we’ve been denying ourselves for so long, sometimes it feels impossible to get back in touch with who we are and what we want… Our identities were tied up in parenthood.  So when our children aren’t home as often (or maybe not at all), we feel lost.  We become self-erased…self-isolated …. and to top that off, the other parent is trying to erase us too.

In this episode, Ill share with you my thoughts on why we do this, as well as my own theories… Shelby “isms” .. and of course, what you can do to get back to yourself & overcome the habit to self-erase!  

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Ever notice that, when caught in the clutches of a stressful moment, how you freak out and do exactly the opposite of:

Like, in the moment, you know what you want longterm, but you just can't seem to stop yourself from choosing the unhealthy option, even tho you know its ultimately going to harm you?  

Or maybe you don't know what you want longterm... Maybe you're like me and were never able to visualize a future for yourself. Or after alienation, now you don't know how to plan for your life without your child being at the center of it all?

Well, settle in, my friends. Today we are going to take a pretty deep dive into WHY this happens, along with how you can overcome it.

My objective today is to open up and have a casual conversation about some not-so-casual issues.

In this episode:

⛔️ Heads Up: Albeit brief, I do visit some childhood abuse situations in this episode. If you think you're not ready to go there, maybe skip this one for now, and go back to an earlier episode. BUT...
⭐️ This is a good one y'all.. so make sure to come back to it!

https://www.youtube.com/user/lewishowes

If you've been down the research rabbit hole of alienation's long-term effects on children, you're well aware of the toll it could take on their cognitive development. 

Similarly (tho your brain may have been fully developed when your children were born), parents like us also experience a dulling of our critical thinking and deductive reasoning skills; which makes it more challenging for us to see the big picture right off the bat (also, many of us just didn't learn the skill as children). 

I see it dozens of times each week... a parent will present a story utilizing the "facts" in order to illustrate that their lives are doomed. They will take the limited info they have and FILL IN THE BLANKS with interesting bits (drama), and then deem the whole story TRUTH.  

You'd be amazed at how many parents I speak with that will do just about anything to convince me that their life is unfixable.  They are committed to their story, in spite of the fact that it's causing them to suffer.

Whether they are referring to their child, the alienating parent, or even a significant other, it's highly unlikely that, unless they were told firsthand, they would know for sure what another person is thinking or feeling. 

But we all do it. 

If you've been listening for a little bit, you know that I talk with y'all a lot about making yourself aware of the thoughts you're allowing. Today, I share:

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We spend our lives running, trying to circumnavigate situations that seem scary. It starts in school... we don't want to feel rejection. Hurt. We shudder at the idea of being made a fool or taken advantage of. Instead, we hide ourselves away, build up all these walls in effort to avoid emotional pain. 

Then, when the alienation begins... seemingly overnight, we feel an influx of negative emotion. And because we didn't learn it in childhood, we feel entirely ill-equipped to handle the pressure.

I remember feeling so terrified of being judged and persecuted. And boy... to be devalued to/by my own sweet angel of a child? I can feel that horror now, just writing about it. I spent my free time numbing with habits in order to avoid the fear & discomfort thinking that the emotions themselves were the danger. But what actually harmed me -- & what is the most dangerous for all of us as alienated parents -- is what we do because of the fear -- the avoidance.

To quote the movie Poor Things: We must experience everything, not just the good. The degradation, the horror, sadness... This makes us whole, Bella; makes us people of substance; not flighty, untouched children. Then we can know the world. And when we know the world, the world is ours.  

We, as parents experiencing alienation, know isolation. We know lonely. Heck... it's right there in the two word term!

When alienation begins, it doesn't only affect your role in your child's life -- in fact, the predicament we've found ourselves in affects so many other relationships. Until recently, your children were intertwined with your entire life!

So it makes sense that you would want to isolate yourself. But there is so much data out there showing how critical emotional support is for our healing process.

As humans, we need to be and feel understood. We crave togetherness. But after a period of isolation, our brain produces a neuropeptide called tachykinin. This protein interacts with the body to cause our loneliness to perpetuate itself. What's worse? It also will make you believe you're not lonely. So in order to evolve through it, you must develop the skill of discernment. Listen to the episode for more!

How Can I Help You? Take the 3 question survey! Click ⁠here⁠ and scroll down👇🏼or below :

⁠https://www.beyondthehighroad.com/blog ⁠(⭐️Don't forget to scroll down on the page!)

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