Breaking Bread Podcast

Brain development can be understood as a process of four maturing stages: survival, emotional, attachment and cognitive. These stages hold a key to understanding both poor and healthy thought processes. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Dr. Kirby Reutter steps us through brain development, how trauma impacts it and how by God's grace we can think healthier.

Show Notes:

• The first dimension of the brain to develop very early in life is the survival brain. Survival lies at the heart of the operations of the survival brain. The responses of fight, flight and freeze protect and train us to respond to our surrounds and preserve life.
  • Healthy development : A child has a healthy co-regulator (parent figure) who helps them regulate their responses and properly protects them.
  • Unhealthy development: A child does not have a healthy co-regulator and their safety is exploited. Fight, flight and freeze become a constant regular reaction to outside stimuli.
• The second dimension of the brain to develop is the emotional brain. Responses to outside stimuli are mapped to feelings.
  • Healthy development: A properly developed survival brain allows for a developing emotional brain. The full range of emotions, both comfortable emotions (positive) and uncomfortable emotions (negative) are appropriately experienced.
  • Unhealthy development: An underdeveloped survival brain has a detrimental effect on the developing emotional brain. Negative emotions (primarily fear and anger) are over developed because of their abundant use. At the same time, positive emotions under develop because of their infrequent use or betraying affect.
• The third dimension of the brain to develop is the attachment brain. This development helps us connect with another human in relationship.
  • Healthy development: A healthy emotional brain allows for a healthy attachment brain to develop. A recognition exists that people and relationships are needed. A child is seen, safe and soothed by another person (parent figure).
  • Unhealthy development: An unhealthy emotional brain thwarts a maturing attachment brain. A belief emerges that recognizes people as a threat and relationships as dangerous.
• The fourth dimension of the brain to develop is the cognitive brain. This is the thinking brain, responsible for reasoning and judgement.
  • Healthy development: A healthy attachment brain gives way to healthy thinking and reasoning. A healthy cognitive brain will making good decisions, recognize cause and effect, seeing short term and long term goals, identifying pros and cons, thinking abstractly, theoretically, logically and linguistically.
  • Unhealthy development: An unhealthy attachment brain skews the cognitive development. Decisions and judgements are made through the lens of a threatening world.

When a spouse is on the autistic spectrum, marriages can experience unique challenges. Communication and understanding will likely be impacted. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Kaleb Beyer speaks to these unique challenges and provides a roadmap to flourishing.

Show notes:

When communication is significantly strained in marriage, neuro-diversity may be present. Often, in these marriages, the amount, frequency, intensity and duration of these struggles are higher when compared to neuro-typical marriages.

A neuro-typical marriage is a marriage where both spouses learn, process information, communicate and emotionally regulate in a manner similar to the norms of the population. A neuro-divergent marriage is a marriage where at least one spouse learns, processes information, communicates and emotionally regulates in a manner different than the norms of the population. One example of neuro-divergence is a person who is on the autism spectrum.

If a person suspects they are on the autism spectrum, getting a diagnosis is encouraged. A diagnosis will give clarity and provide healthy understanding for living well in relationships.

Living well in a neuro-divergent marriage where autism is present will require growing in theory of mind, speaking, listening, body language and empathy.

• Theory of mind is being able to read what the other might be thinking, feeling and intending. In neuro-divergent couples, this requires learning and understanding how the other thinks.
• How we use words can differ among neuro-typical and neuro-divergent spouses. For example, those on the autistic spectrum are more literal than their neuro-typical spouse. Learning what is meant by the words our spouses' use is an important component of communicating well.
• By extension, listening well means we learn to understand both what the other means and doesn't mean by the words they use.
• Much of human communication is non-verbal. Eye contact, expressions, and mannerisms help convey the meaning of what we say. In marriages where autism is present, each needs to learn what to read and what not to read in the body language of the other.
• Empathy is being able to feel with another person. In neuro-divergent couples, this requires each to learn how to empathize with the other. It is important to understand that the empathy of each will look different from the other.

What if I choose the wrong option? What if a better option comes a long? These are a few of the questions that plague decision makers. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Kathy Knochel and Ted Witzig Jr. discuss the angst that can accompany decision making. While we desire to have certainty about future outcomes, it remains elusive. Yet, there is a certainty that the believer has, and it can make all the difference.

Show notes:

Decisional Stress can be understood in three tiers.

Tier 1 is experienced by everyone and very common. We make decisions everyday of varying significance. We all can relate to the unsettling feeling of uncertainty. While we would like to know the outcome of our decision before we make it, we cannot. Thus, we learn to live with uncertainty.

Tier 2 is experienced by some people. It is called decisional doubt. Stress and anxiety are induced by situational "high stakes" decisions. These decisions feel significant to us. Choosing a college, buying a house, making a career move, for example are time sensitive and weighty in consequence.

Tier 3 is experienced by fewer. It is called obsessional doubt. OCD and anxiety disorders can complicate decision making and coming to a place of peace and comfort regarding a decision becomes difficult. Seeking reassurance over and over becomes characteristic of the struggle.

Decisional stress plays to our desire for certainty in all three tiers. When it comes to decision making, the believer needs to shift certainty from the decisional outcome to another place. Three such places are outlined below.

• God: Find confidence in God's presence, goodness and promises.

• Values: Find confidence in knowing what your values are and making decisions in step with your values.

• Godly counsel: Find confidence in having had your decision informed by wise counsel.

Change, when it is for the better, always accompanies healthy human growth. When it comes to emotional, relational and spiritual change, repentance is an apt feature to discuss. After all, repentance means changing your mind. On this episode of Breaking Bread, Chad Leman and Brian Sutter shed light on both the "why" and "how" of repentance.

Show Notes:

Repentance in three movements.

Movement 1: God's goodness.

• Romans 2 says God's goodness leads us to repentance. His work, his grace, his Spirit and his presence makes our repentance both possible and welcome.

• Repentance is the realignment of ourselves to God.

Movement 2: The cross.

• After the pattern of Christ, repentance requires a death. This is dying to ourselves. Here we see ourselves honestly before God. Understand our error and need for change. We shift our trust from ourselves to God.

Movement 3: The Resurrection.

• After the pattern of Christ, repentance is evidenced by new life. We live as those oriented toward God and in agreement with him.

Show notes:

Growing into Christlikeness is not a linear process. Yet the historic Christian church has identified three movements that we revisit with increasing depth.

• Purification: This refers to growing in increasing moral excellence.

• Illumination: This refers to growing in increasing understanding of truth.

• Communion: This refers to growing in increasing fellowship with God.

These provide a helpful "map" for understanding the invitation before us to grow in Christ-likeness. In the middle ages of our life, we can expect God to use the stage we are in to perform these movements of growth. Career, family, responsibilities, duties and life circumstances are not a deterrent for spiritual growth but instead serve as the context for which our spiritual growth happens.

Christ knew what he was doing when he gave his disciples what we have come to call "The Lord's Prayer." It is beautiful to the ear. Rhythmic to the tongue. Simple to remember and loaded with power. In this episode, Joe Leman highlights this beauty and power and helps us see the hope of human transformation that is instore for any who would take up the prayer and pray it.

Stress is a very real part of our lives. How we manage stress can have healthy or unhealthy consequences. Fortunately, one tool we should be using to soothe stress in one another is stress-reducing conversations. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Kaleb Beyer, Craig Stickling, and Brian Sutter explain how to have these purposeful conversations.

Show notes:

What is stress-related conversation?

• A conversation that has at its purpose the intention of soothing the emotions in a stress heightened individual and thereby reducing their stress levels.

What qualities are present in stress-reducing conversation?

• Active listening, attending presence, non-judgement, non-criticizing, empathetic agreement.

What should your posture be for being a stress-reducing partner in a conversation?

• Have an eye towards being on the same team with the other.

What are some different applied contexts for stress-reducing conversations?

• Marriage: Look for them with your spouse if you are married.

• Family: Look for them with your kids if you are a parent.

• Neighbors: Look for them with community members.

What good are stress-reducing conversations beyond reducing stress?

• Stress-reducing conversations build the safety to eventually step into conversations with other purposes such as conflict resolution or corrective conversations.

How do I carry out stress-reducing conversations when I disagree with the person that has heightened stress?

• Separate the matter of disagreement from the person. Connect with the person first. Then when safety is achieved and we are on a team together, voicing disagreement can happen in effective ways.

What makes stress-reducing conversations difficult?

• Fixating on accuracy.

• Fixating on solutions.

• Inability to detect emotions.

• Inability to stay present with a person.

What does it mean to be intentional with stress-reducing conversations?

• Have conversations with the express purpose to be stress relieving. Select topics thoughtfully that you can be "on the same team" about.

What is at stake if loved ones don't engage each other in stress-reducing conversations?

• We might look for stress-reducing conversations from unsafe sources such as AI or other people.

Healthy relationships require that we are open to being influenced. After all, what is a relationship if it doesn't include give and take. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Kaleb Beyer explains what both research and experience has taught him about the importance of accepting influence in relationships.

Show notes:

What does accepting relational influence mean?

• Allowing those we are in relationship with to shape and impact our thinking, feeling and behaving.

What does not accepting relational influence look like?

• Relationship rigidity resulting in dismissing or being un-moved by the input, wisdom, experience and interaction of another individual.

What does the research say?

• Husbands who accept influence from their wives tend to have happier and more satisfying relationships.
• The more influence a spouse is willing to accept, the more influential they can be.

What makes accepting relational influence difficult?

• Being defensive or the tendency to recoil from perceived challenges.
• Black and white thinking or the tendency to see matters in either/or categories.
• Avoidant or the tendency to avoid relationship disagreement and friction.
• Misunderstood roles in relationship or the tendency to enter a relationship with a role modeled or taught to you that does not permit influence.
• Lack of relationship safety.

What happens if we don't accept influence?

• The relationship tends towards disconnection.

Does accepting influence mean finding agreement?

• Yes and no. Yes – you both agree that the other is worth understanding well enough to know when and how to yield to them. No – agreement is not the objective. In fact, disagreement is common and still should include influence.

What does healthy influence look like amid disagreement?

• When a person says "no" in a relationship, they should simultaneously say "yes" to the friend or spouse they are in relationship with. By this we mean, those we are in relationship should always feel they have been understood and valued enough to have influenced us regardless of the decision at hand.

Parenting has its eye towards producing future adults. One powerful adult forming tool is instilling good habits in our kids. A well parented habit can pay dividends in the long run by building the muscle memory to do what otherwise would not be natural. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Brian Sutter examples this by suggesting three habits that will produce very welcome attributes in our children as adults.

Show notes:

Healthy habits can help grow and mature our children. And yet, to do this, the habit needs to grow and mature with the child. Three examples are given.

Example 1: Goal: To produce thankful adults.

• Habit – Say, "Thank you."
• Growing habit – Say, "Thank you for _________."
• Maturing habit – Say, "Thank you for _________ that is a gift to me."

Example 2: Goal: To produce a humble adults.

• Habit – Say, "I'm sorry."
• Growing habit – Say, "I'm sorry I ________."
• Maturing habit – Say, "I __________, how did that make you feel? I'm sorry."

Example 3: Goal: To produce adults who are good listeners.

• Habit – Say, "Tell me what you think."
• Growing habit – Say, "Tell me what you think, I have a lot to learn."
• Maturing habit – Say, "Tell me what you think, I have a lot to learn and value your insights."

We all have room for growth. Yet sometimes our progress gets stalled, and we get discouraged. This discouragement might be because we are measuring the wrong thing. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Ted Witzig Jr. helps correct this mistake and teaches us to measure from the bottom-up.

Show notes:

Measuring human growth can be tricky. We often evaluate our progress by measuring from one of three perspectives:

• From top-down: This happens when we measure the gap between who we are and who we want to ideally be. For lofty goals, this measurement often leaves us discouraged. The gap becomes a continual reminder we are "way off the mark" and we live in failure.

• Side-to-side: This happens when we measure ourselves by comparing ourselves with others. This can have a mixture of reactions. On the one hand, we might have an inflated view of our progress and become lax in our growth. Or on the other hand, we can feel deflated and have an inferior view of our progress and become discouraged.

• From bottom-up: This happens when we measure progress by remembering where we started and being thankful for how far God has helped us. This measurement approach tends to promote a healthier view of growth. With this approach, we are encouraged to take the next step.

Measuring from the bottom up is made possible when we have an accurate view of God. Sometimes we have the idea that God is far, with arms crossed, waiting for us to achieve his standards. Rather, God is with us wherever we are and prompting us to take the next step. He calls us to a life of discipleship whereby he is present in all our learning and growing.