Church of Lazlo Podcasts

Slim's cat took a dump on his lap this morning. Lazlo thinks Slimfast secretly hopes his cat has to be put down. *Lazlo just discovered The Hunger Games and he's a fan. *What if everything in life could be an Olympic event? We predict how each of us could win a gold. **Doomscrolling!! Looks like the Olympics are gonna happen. Unless they make a movie about this guy, I'm never gonna understand but allegedly a catholic priest was having his phone tracked and they discovered he was meeting guys on grindr and going to gay bars. btw, he stepped down. The NFL is trying everything to get employees to vaccinate. A couple of stories about a couple of white racist guys. Florida man is dying on someone's lawn, Florida woman screams at him to die on someone else's lawn. *Lazlo goes head to head with famous brand mascots. *Questions that men have always wanted to ask women. tldr: women want men to want to do things. It's always the same answer. *Real like The Hangover moments. If you've ever had to play detective to learn what you did drunk last night, is that such a bad thing? *Who do you want to sleep with at work? We get this question a lot. *Nick Wright is on the phone and he details his plans to become the greatest poker player of all time. *Thank you for being our friend. Follow us on insta and twitter @churchoflazlo  You can hit us up any time. -Everybody Wang Chung!!!

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Hey yo. Am I hard of hearing or is my girlfriend just a low talker? I don't know for certain but there's one easy solution for either problem. Talk louder!! *Wanna get ahead in life? Want to be the person calling all the shots? A new study may have discovered the secret to success. Talk a lot. When you find yourself in a meeting with fifteen other coworkers, keep talking. Even if your ideas are bad and you're making up nonsense, people will look to you for answers. *Doomscrolling!! A man who ended up in the hospital with covid says he'd rather end back up in the hospital than get vaccinated. Is WW3 gonna be a global dispute about ice cream? Cocaine cake looks delicious but it's a little out of my price range. *Do you still get embarrassed to buy certain thing at the store? I can't be the only one who feels eyes on me while I scan the personal lubricant shelf at a sex shop. *According to a new study, men are responsible for global warming. Why might that be? Male CEO's of greedy corporate polluters? CEO's at fossil fuel companies spending billions to convince us oil is harmless? The guy who came up with the term "Clean Coal"? Those are all good guesses but you're wrong. It's your car and your chicken strips. *Another viral video of someone thinking she closed zoom but didn't. What does that story have to do with Slimfast singing Boy George and rubbing his own feet in his face? O'm not sure. *We got one more show this week and I am seriously looking forward to it. Until next time -Everybody Wang Chung!!

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I could be dreaming, this could be a simulation, or perhaps I'm the only person not in on the joke. Whatever the case may be, I'm going to describe what I perceived to happen on the show this afternoon. The country seems to be going through different seasons with their "billionaires are evil" phase. We're now on to the "these are the things he could do with his money instead of flying rockets" season. It's hard to comprehend some of the stuff they claim Bezos could pay for. I want to know how much it would cost to buy a country. I'm not talking about corrupting a president or prime minister with cash. I'm talking about buying the country, changing the flag, writing my own constitution, and calling it Bezosland. It sounds like he has the money to make that happen so why hasn't he? BTW, buying a little island doesn't count. *It's National Hot Dog day. If you're like me, it's been a long time since you've gone 24 hours without eating at least one gas-station hot dog and an even longer since you can remember enjoying one. So let's try to remember that we don't have to feel sad for ourselves when we stop by the gas station tonight for dinner. I'm thinking about driving a couple minutes out of my way and going to a different gas station where they don't recognize me. *Doomscrolling! People are getting way too used to these  apocalyptic headlines. People getting swept away by floods in China, mosquito tornadoes in Russia, fire tornadoes in the ocean, Portland hitting 112 degrees, and armadillos suddenly living in my neighborhood but most people seem unphased. Perhaps this Taco Bell food shortage will get a few people's attention. *Women get turned on by some really random stuff. Wish I'd known about these things sooner. *Women have questions for men and Lazlo is here to answer them all. (I promise it floats) *The dictionary just added a bunch of new words and Lazlo's favorite made the list. *The pettiest reasons people have ended a relationship. I thought this discussion was funny. One guy said he went to her house and she had a Live Laugh Love sign on the wall.  *You are my favorite person and I want nothing but good things for you. Have a great day and we'll touch base tomorrow!  -Everybody Wang Chung!!

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​Hey yo. We made Lazlo put on his TB12 hat before playing him some new Brady audio that we knew he would love. *Did you know people have jobs where they just ride the rides and visit the attractions at Disney? Not talking about crash test dummies, although that sounds fun too. These people just get paid to report back to their bosses on whether the rides are fun and what could be done to improve them. This got us thinking about the best jobs in the world and we found a few more we'd never considered. *CNBC put out of list of the worst states in America to live for 2021. We weren't going to discuss the story until we noticed a strange coincidence regarding several states in the bottom five. *Lazlo thinks The Beatles were the original boy band. Slimfast thinks Rick Rubin should put on some shoes. *Doomscrolling!!! Bezos stars in Billionaire Space Jam 2. The delta variant is getting worse and worse but Dollar General is getting into healthcare so we should be fine. A cyclist falls off his bike and into the tiny waiting arms of an alligator. A student pilot had to make an emergency landing in a field with no engines but he sounded calm as hell. Britney's back! And she's got a new lawyer this time! *Are people with kids happier than people without? Hard to say because most parents don't want to admit they regret having kids and most people who never had them try to act like it was a choice and not the lack of romance in their lives. *Tipping with pizza is the hot new trend on The Tok. *Back in my day, we asked people to donate to our kickstarter because we had a great idea for a board game. These days, kids are just writing their venmo information on the back of their car windows and asking for handouts. Kids these days are smart. *Q: Who's your favorite billionaire? A: Lazlo hates wizards. *Thanks for listening and being such a good friend. I feel bad because we did all the talking this afternoon and you barely got in a word. Tell you what, message us on Instagram and twitter @churchoflazlo tonight. We want to hear about your day too. -Everybody Wang Chung!!!

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It's Monday and we've got a new virus for everyone to worry about! People have mixed feelings about Joel Osteen allegedly owning a Ferrari but we seem to be on the same page about his PPP loans. *Even if your parents weren't the type to complain, I'm sure the embarrassed you at least once with a, "Can I speak to your manager?" moment. *Doomscrolling!! Bezos is ready to blast off! Rent is too damn high. The Olympics are already a mess. Stealing candles is bad enough but using bear repellant on the Bed Bad & Bodyworks staff is gonna get you in real trouble. *Hide your kids, hide your cookies, and don't you dare touch that Nutty Bar! Those are for your father's lunch! *Is it possible to hit on someone in public without being creepy in 2021? A few people actually say yes! *Why are we having fantasies about pop stars and ball players from the 80's and 90's? *Am I the a** hole for getting annoyed by this? *Lazlo wants to cancel a date she doesn't drink. Slimfast says Lazlo is just gonna end up texting around 10pm anyway. *Thanks for hanging out! Don't forget to follow us on socials @churchoflazlo and check out lazlo.church if you get a second. -Everybody Wang Chung!!! 

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Todgers out, it's Friday!! We need to clear up some confusion about our social media accounts. If you want to reach Lazlo, reach out to him on twitter @lazlothebuzz or @churchoflazlo. Lazlo is mainly a twitter guy. If you want to reach out to Slimfast, follow him @slimfast965 and @churchoflazlo on Instagram. Slimfast is mainly an Instagram guy. If you want to reach Jeriney, follow her @jeriney and The Church of Lazlo facebook page. Jeriney in mainly a facebook gal. *Remember kids, if you're gonna do the crime, make sure the payoff potential is worth it. Brandishing a firearm and shooting at a moving vehicle is not worth a $200 payout on the CashApp. *Apparently, Americans desperately need more vacation time. The fact that people are willing to take a pay cut and give up Netflix just for an extra couple weeks of time off is not a great sign. *Doomscrolling!!! The world is on fire, running out of water, and flooding all at the same time. LA says it's time to start wearing masks indoors again. GET VACCINATED PEOPLE! YOU'RE RUINING IT FOR ALL OF US!! Did you know that you can download celebrity voices for your Alexa device? The PM of Australia wants you to know that he did not poop his pants in 1997 at a McDonalds after a rugby match. Illinois is the first state to tell cops that they can no longer lie to juvenile suspects during interrogations. Who knew hot air balloon rides could be dangerous? *We've all heard people discuss what type of advice they'd give their younger selves. How about specifically asking people over 40 the advice they'd give people in their 20's? *Odds are, you've had sex with a coworker. If you haven't, odds are you'd still like it to be an option. *Lazlo has caused a lot of controversy over the years with all his, "I could beat up that animal" talk. Someone sent us an actual strategy guide from experts on how to defend against several types of specific animals. *Do you remember the moment you realized your relationship was over? Lazlo remembers the moment Slimfast manipulated his ex-wife into getting a divorce. *Have a great weekend!! Do something fun and please don't forget.....Everybody Wang Chung!!!

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Some days, things just run a little bit slower around here. Slimfast was acting like he took too many downers today. If you listen to this podcast in double speed, it might not be as noticeable. *Married people love to preach and give advice to young couples. But Lazlo's advice is the only advice you need. *Doomscrolling!! We got naked women trapped between two buildings, football players getting belligerent, and a whole lot more! *Everyone seems to love the story of the Burger King staff who all quit on the same day. Now people are sharing their most epic "take this job and shove it" stories. Again, Lazlo's story is the only one you need. *We all turned down a free trip to the moon today. Would you? Turns out Lazlo isn't the only one who thinks space is boring. *Lazlo recounts the time he left Slimfast at sketchy strip club in another state. Surprisingly, they seem to agree on most of the events of that night. *Plenty of us get stressed out when thinking about what we'll do when we get fired. Well, here's some options to consider. *Slimfast went to a Hawaiian themed party but this is the first we're hearing of it. Plenty of questions and even a brief discussion of about amputees. *Thank you for listening! You keep us employed and we can't express how much we appreciate you. Hope to see you again tomorrow! -Everybody Wang Chung!!!!!

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​We kicked things off today with a trip down memory lane. This particular trip explored the pros and cons of dropping out of school and never quitting. If it doesn't make sense, it's because we dropped out of school. *Getting drunk usually means you gradually lose the ability to successfully complete everyday tasks. However, there are a few things that drunk people can do better than sober. *Doomscrolling!! Do we already need booster shots? Britney has some sort of court thing today and could decide whether or not she remains in the conservatorship but the judge could also delay the decision. #FreeBritney *You can now legally get your hair cut on a Sunday in New York. Subway is changing everything on their menu except the tuna and we couldn't be happier. If you visit South Korea, make sure to trade your dump for a cup of coffee. Don't feed the wolf shepherd dogs that are on the loose. *Nick Wright is on the show and he is all in on #FreeBritney. *Jeriney would like discuss some grievances that women have with men. *Your kids are probably raiding your closet. *America's best cities to live in for 2021. *A father find his missing son.....24 years later. *A woman used her ex boyfriend's car to purposely run red lights and rack up tickets. *Ok! You heard us whining about it all day but it really is 90 degrees in here so I'm out! -Everybody Wang Chung!!!!

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Yo! Need a ride to airport? Don't ask Lazlo or Slim. *What made the "weird kid" at your school weird? Perhaps you were the weird kid. *Turns out you never stop paying for your kid's crap, no matter how old they are. That doesn't necessarily mean that your raising spoiled brats but you might be. We've got some warning signs for you.*Doomscrolling!! Teenagers these days are getting way cooler summer jobs than we had. Governor Abbott said he's gonna arrest the Texas house dems. A fuel tanker crashed in Michigan and put on quite a fiery show. Police are looking for the driver of a truck that ran over a man as he was coming up through a manhole into the street. Taco Bell employees caused over $30k in damages when they decided to light fireworks inside the restaurant. Lazlo wants to swim with giant goldfish. America's attempt to exterminate all mosquitos is underway in Florida. The entire staff at a Burger King decided to quit and they let everyone know by putting it on the sign out front. *A middle aged mom says she quit her day job because she makes more than $4k a month from her "unique" OnlyFans. *What's the worst advice your parents or grandparents gave you? *American's say music is their favorite simple pleasure but Lazlo has a feeling they don't know about shower beers. *People seem to love it but you think it's gross. Water Parks, Step mom porn, Dr Pimple Popper, and bobbing for apples are just a few polarizing examples. *That's all she wrote! Follow us on twitter and insta @churchoflazlo and say hi to us after hours. Bis Morgan! -Everybody Wang Chung!! 

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Yo! Lazlo was sick the last couple days but we're back and it feels so good. Well, Lazlo feels okay but he took daytime cold meds and they're about to kick in. *A new study from UCLA found that men love meat more than women because they think it makes them masculine and Lazlo totally agrees. Here's the short list of other things men do to be masculine and most of them involve taking dumb risks. *Doomscrolling!!! Did a hotel employee prevent a mass shooting at the MLB All Star game? -The country is on fire and "fire season" isn't even close to being over.- Robert E. Lee surrenders, again.- Someone auctioned a Mario 64 for almost $1.5 million.-Florida will pay you to kill snakes.- A restaurant owner blames welfare for his staffing problems. He sounds like a douche nozzle. -A carnival ride malfunctioned and the video went viral this weekend. https://bit.ly/3hzXHTl *Richard Branson is the first private citizen to fly himself to space. *You're using the stuff in your house wrong. *Heinz has started a real petition and they want hot dogs and buns to be sold in matching numbers. *What secrets are you keeping from your family or partner? *Keystone Light may have saved a man's life. I can't say they've ever saved my life but they've certainly improved my evenings. *We are outta here! I love you more than you know! Text this podcast to your friends and lie to them about how great it is. That would really help us out. You can stream the show live or listen to the podcast on the Audacy app. https://redirect.is/m0odpr2​  See you soon! -Everybody Wang Chung!!

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