There’s cleaning and then there’s CLEANING!

Everyone knows that I love a clean, tidy, aesthetically pleasing home. And the ones closest to me know when I’m cleaning because the house needs it, or when I clean because I need it.

Cleaning for me became a coping strategy when I was younger. There was a hidden memory jammed up inside me that was causing disturbance. I didn’t have conscious access yet to the memory but my body did. Waves of emotion would surge and the only way I knew to get rid of it in order to cope was to clean.

I rearranged my room, wardrobe, books, underwear, strip my sheets and all the rest to bring some kind of order back into the world. “Ahhhhh, now it’s right”, was the thought and feeling. But of course, it didn’t last long.

Now knowing this locked up memory, I used cleaning and still do at times to this day, as a way to gain control of reality. To make it right in my mind because my insides are having some sort of conniption. I try not to judge myself or tell myself I’m a failure at not fully healing this coping mechanism. The way I approach it now is by asking myself, “am I cleaning the house because the now needs to be cleaned, or am I cleaning the house because something in me feels out of control?”

This means I’m aware of what I’m doing, why I’m doing it and whilst I clean to gain control, I enquire, get curious and talk to the part of me inside that needs acknowledgement, love, care.

Always, a work in progress.

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