Don't just use CRAFT now and then, or come and go from the practice. Learn the tools; let them get under your skin. Learn one thing at a time, and take it one day at a time. You don't have control over the big picture, but you do have control over what you're learning, practicing, and taking in. It's okay if it doesn't work immediately. Practice the skills consistently, and change can happen.

Does your loved one see things in terms of victimhood, in terms of what's done to them? Do you see your loved one's actions that way? Feeling victimized means you're being passive, having things happen to you. It can feel like things are not fair, like you've been dealt a lousy hand of cards. It's important to shift your perception, focus, and behavior to remember that you have agency and control, that you're responsible for yourself, your actions, and your self-care.

Sometimes, people say the person with substance use disorder "has to want" recovery before it will happen. Others even say they must want it more than their family members or allies. In truth, people are often ambivalent; the process is often subtle. It's up to us to provide options, be open to their process, and discover our part, changing our own behavior rather than trying to change theirs.

How do we move away from expecting perfection from ourselves? Through patience, compassion, and practice. Change is an incremental process. Embrace "beginner's mind," and don't be afraid to fail. Allow yourself to make mistakes and learn from them; practice until the tools become automatic.

To build new muscle, identify what you need to change. Begin with self-awareness, gained through pausing to consider what you want to do differently. Practice in small ways frequently, until it becomes habit. This self-awareness leads to self-care – accidentally/on purpose. Taking care of yourself changes who and how you are, but also changes your relationship with your loved one. In true CRAFT style, the hope is that by changing yourself, you positively change the relationship, allowing your loved one new possibilities to change their own habits. They have to change if you’re doing something differently, if you’re not going to be a receptor site for the old way of doing things.

When you're beyond the fatigue of burnout, you're hitting the wall. Stressors have accumulated, and your emotions feel unmanageable. Step back. Claim your emotions, but state them briefly, making it clear you're going to go take care of yourself. Ask yourself how bad things are, and how much help you need. Allow yourself the compassion and patience to take a break.

Do things feel one-way in your relationship to your loved one? Reframe it. You're taking your power back -- not to change them, but to change yourself, to grow and learn. If you're bringing your best self to the relationship, you'll inevitably change the dynamic, helping the other person heal.

Your loved one goes to treatment, and often a call follows -- a call saying the place is terrible, or the people aren't good, or for some other reason they want to come home. Your job? Hold the line. Don't be part of that conversation; don't be part of an exit plan, even if they can leave on their own. Let them be uncomfortable. Give them the message that they can handle it, and can get something good from the situation if they stick with it.

When you're dealing with difficult circumstances and the actions of others, it's important to shift focus from external to internal, to pause and check in with yourself and ask yourself what you need and want. Take your power back. We believe that taking care of yourself in this way has a positive impact on the other person. It's a demonstration of boundaries and self-care.