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A listener posted a question in our free TWFO Facebook community that I’ve heard a hundred times in recovery spaces: “You have to separate the person from the addiction. That wasn’t them.” And I get why people love that line. It reduces shame, makes forgiveness feel possible, and gives families hope.

But for a lot of spouses and partners, something about it doesn’t sit right… because they’ve seen the “good version” and the “destructive version” show up in the same human body, sometimes in the same day. So in this episode, I unpack the pros and cons of “separating the person from the addiction,” and why I think the truth is more nuanced, more uncomfortable, and more useful.

We talk about influence vs choice, why guilt still exists if “it wasn’t you,” how this narrative can accidentally silence the pain of the people who were harmed, and why sobriety alone is not the finish line. I’m not here to attack anyone’s path or shame anybody who’s used this framework to move forward. I’m here to hold compassion and truth at the same time, and offer a model of recovery that’s built on agency, humility, and real repair.

If you’re in recovery, this is a gut-check. If you’re a spouse or partner, this will validate why that phrase can feel like a mindf**k, and what a healthier, more honest version of healing can look like.

If you'd like to read the essay from the episode, you can find it here on our website.

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Some mornings feel like a personal attack. You are late. You are out of coffee. The house is a mess. Your kid’s shirt is dirty. Your nervous system is already fried and suddenly it feels like the whole day is ruined.

In this Paige’s Perspective, Paige reminds you that one bad moment is not a bad day.

She explains why our nervous systems treat small chaos like danger, how survival mode makes everything feel heavier than it actually is, and why acting like everything is fine is not denial. It is correcting the alarm.

From chaotic mornings and coffee shortages to ice storms and packed grocery stores, this episode is a grounding reminder that most of what we panic over is inconvenient, not dangerous. You are safe. You are capable. And you can choose again at any moment.

You are not your worst moment.
You are not your hardest day.
You get to restart anytime.

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Your kids are watching you. Not in a cute way. In a blueprint way.

In this episode, we talk about the moment that punched Matt in the gut: watching our son at practice miss a shot, make a shot, and immediately scan the room for Dad’s face. Like, “How should I feel about this?” That was the reminder we all need. We are the emotional thermostat in the room.

We get into what kids pick up from us way earlier than people think, how our phones and work habits quietly teach them “you’re competing with a screen,” and how our emotional reactions become their future coping skills. We also talk about relationship dynamics as parenting, because how you treat their other parent is one of the loudest lessons they’ll ever learn.

And for anyone living in instability, addiction, or chronic conflict, we say the quiet part out loud. Kids become collateral damage when adults refuse to change. Sometimes the bravest, most loving move is not “staying together.” It is creating safety and stability, even if that means big decisions.

This one stabs a little. But it’s necessary. And the good news is, patterns can change starting now.

If you want support learning how to regulate, set boundaries, and show up stronger for yourself and your kids, check out Reclaiming You at reclaiming-you.com.

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In this Mindset Monday episode, the discussion takes on a common belief from men that sounds reasonable on the surface but falls apart under scrutiny: “Why should I have to change? You knew who I was when you married me.” The episode unpacks why this thinking misunderstands adulthood, freezes responsibility, and treats growth as betrayal. It explores why qualification never ends in any area of life and why relationships are no exception.

From there, the focus shifts to shame and its role in change. The episode challenges the idea that shame is always harmful and reframes it as something that can either fuel growth or shut it down, depending on how it’s handled. It breaks down the difference between toxic shame and healthy shame, how ego protection keeps people stuck, and the exact moment where real growth actually begins.

The episode closes by distilling growth into a simple truth: the degree to which someone can grow is directly proportional to the amount of truth they can accept about themselves without running away. If you’re trying to rebuild trust, show up better in your relationships, or stop repeating the same patterns, this episode offers both a reality check and a path forward.

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No one wants to be the villain.

But what if being seen as the bad guy is actually a sign that you are growing?

In this Paige’s Perspective episode, Paige reframes the idea of the villain era and explains why setting boundaries, taking care of yourself, and challenging old patterns can feel threatening to people who were comfortable with the old version of you.

This episode is for anyone who feels broken, exhausted, unsure, or like they do not recognize themselves anymore. Paige shares her own experience of being challenged before she was ready, how boundaries changed her life, and why thriving is not about getting the outcome you want. It is about building a mindset that can carry you through any outcome.

You will hear why growth often feels uncomfortable, why being challenged can sting, and why learning from people who have done hard things can expand what you believe is possible for yourself.

If you feel stuck in survival mode, pushing back against change, or questioning your strength, this episode is an invitation to look a little deeper.

Paige is willing to be the villain if it helps you remember what you are capable of. That strength is already in you.

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In this episode, Matt and Paige move through three conversations that are deeply connected and hard to ignore once you see them clearly.

First, we talk about red flags that get mislabeled as “just the addiction.” Weaponized vows, religious guilt, control, degradation, chronic blame-shifting, intimidation, and verbal abuse are not substance issues. They are values issues. 

Next, we address fear, especially the anxiety that comes with co-parenting and letting go of outcomes you cannot control. If you have ever asked, “How do I make this feeling stop?” the answer may be uncomfortable. You do not avoid fear, you move through it. We break down why uncertainty feels unbearable, why repetition matters, and how clarity around your values changes everything.

Finally, Matt shares a raw realization that has been weighing on him. The more stories we hear, the clearer it becomes how rare real accountability and growth actually are and how low the bar has been set. We talk honestly about why that is heartbreaking, why it should not be normal, and how accepting less than you deserve keeps people stuck.

This episode is not about telling you what to do. It is about helping you see what is actually happening so you can decide what you are willing to tolerate, protect yourself and your kids, and stop confusing hope with endurance.

If you are a man listening and this episode hits, Matt would genuinely love to hear from you at [email protected]

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In this Mindset Monday, I’m walking through a handful of quotes I found in an Instagram carousel and breaking down what they actually mean in real life. Not the fluffy, motivational poster version. The version that applies to sobriety, rebuilding trust, leaving the wrong situation, and becoming the kind of person who doesn’t just “get sober,” but actually grows up.

We talk about why becoming your best self requires a lot of goodbyes, why you can’t heal in the same environment that made you sick, and why waiting for perfect conditions keeps you stuck. We also get into fear, stoic ideas that helped me in early recovery, and the truth behind “this is what hard feels like.”

As promised, check out the IG post here

Then at the end, I answer a listener question about early sobriety and marriage: her husband is 90 days sober, wants affection and feels like she’s “mean,” and she’s asking for concrete examples of how I rebuilt safety, stability, and trust so desire could return. I’ll share exactly what I did, what I would focus on at 90 days, and why nobody gets to demand closeness they haven’t earned.

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The struggle is real, but it doesn’t have to control your life.

In this episode of Paige’s Perspective, Paige breaks down how everyday struggles like lack of motivation, emotional exhaustion, inconsistent routines, exercise resistance, comfort eating, and low energy can quietly become your identity if you let them. She shares practical mindset shifts that help you take action even when life feels hard.

This episode also speaks directly to spouses and partners of people struggling with addiction. Paige addresses hypervigilance, trauma responses, emotional burnout, carrying the mental load alone, and living in constant uncertainty in addiction-affected relationships. She explains why scanning for moods, checking for bottles, and staying in survival mode keeps you stuck, and how reclaiming personal agency is the first step toward healing.

This is not about toxic positivity or pretending everything is fine. It’s about resilience, self-trust, discipline over motivation, and learning how to stop surviving and start living again.

If you feel stuck, exhausted, or overwhelmed, this episode will help you reframe struggle, regain control, and make choices that align with your values.

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Trusting yourself sounds simple until you try to do it. If you grew up being told what to do, spent years in systems that trained you to follow rules, or lived in a relationship where you got second-guessed, criticized, or controlled, self-trust can feel impossible. So you outsource. You poll your friends. You Google. You ask the group chat. You ask ChatGPT. And little by little, you stop using the muscles that make you confident in your own decisions.

In this episode, Matt and Paige break down how self-trust is actually built. Not through hype, not through “just be confident” advice, but through tiny low-stakes choices that teach your brain, “I can handle this.” What to eat. What to wear. Whether to ask for reassurance. Whether you really need someone else to validate your instincts. They also talk about the hidden cost of outsourcing your thinking, why friction matters, and how tools like AI can be helpful without becoming a crutch that quietly erodes your confidence.

You will also hear the difference between validation and advice, and why validation can be necessary when you are rebuilding yourself after chaos, betrayal, or addiction affected dynamics. The goal is not to have someone hand you answers. The goal is to become the kind of person who can make decisions, live with the outcome, and trust yourself more because of it.

Challenge for the week: try 24 hours with no reassurance seeking. Gather information if you need it, but do not outsource the decision. Start small, build proof, and watch what changes.

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In this Mindset Monday, Matt drops a handful of hard-earned lessons from the last month, pulled straight from the notes app, the place where the real thoughts live before the world distracts you out of them.

He breaks down why boundaries are one of the most misunderstood concepts in relationships, and why they rarely fix an emotionally immature person, but often do deliver the clarity you have been avoiding. Then he tackles a brutal question for anyone stuck in justification mode. If the behavior is working, why do you keep trying to cut back, manage it, or quit in private?

From there, Matt offers a permission slip a lot of people need. There is a difference between processing your pain and keeping it alive. Healing matters, but constantly revisiting the same trauma can become its own kind of trap. And finally, he goes after a sacred cow, acceptance. Yes, acceptance can save your sanity and build resilience, but it can also turn into complacency and keep you tolerating chaos you should not have to survive.

If you are in recovery, in a relationship affected by addiction, or on the other side trying to rebuild your life, this episode is a gut check in the best way. Clarity over comfort, wisdom over coping, and growth that actually moves you forward.

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