Creating a Family: Talk about Adoption, Foster & Kinship Care

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We talk today with Sarah Naish, the CEO of the Center of Excellence in Child Trauma and founder of the National Association of Therapeutic Parents. She is the author of The A-Z of Therapeutic Parenting and The A-Z of Survival Strategies for Therapeutic Parents. She is the adoptive mom to a sibling group of 5 who are now adults and she has fostered over 40 kids.

In this episode, we discuss:

• Why are some kids harder to parent and why especially are kids who have experienced trauma, including prenatal trauma, often harder to parent?
• Understanding the cause of the behavior is the root of parenting harder to parent kids.
• Establish the basics to make their lives predictable so they can feel safe and grow and heal. The elements for establishing this base: 
  • Routines
  • Establish yourself as a safe base-empathetic and nurturing but in control 
    • Respond to the child, not to the child’s demand
• Be honest about their story, contact, etc. – be factual, but don’t fill in the gaps
• Establish strong, clear boundaries- what to do when these boundaries are crossed?
• Use natural or life consequences 
  • Our kids may not recognize cause and effect. 
    • Early trauma, including prenatal exposure, can hinder a child’s ability to recognize cause and effect
    • Our kids may be developmentally younger than their chronological years which also impacts understanding.
  • Natural consequences help children recognize that they can make an impact on the world-helps them make sense of the world
  • Combine natural consequences with nurturance.
• How to handle incidents when they happen. PARENTS model. 
  • Pause-to allow you to respond with intention not emotion.
  • Assess-is anyone in danger or serious damage.
  • Reflection-quick reflection to identify the trigger.
  • Empathize rather than ask questions 
    • use empathetic commentary-
    • respond to their feelings rather than the behavior.
  • Nurture-examples of nurturing in the heat of the moment.
  • Think about next action to take. 
    • What strategies might I use to resolve this? Do you need to do anything else?
    • How can we avoid this situation in the future?
  • Self-care
• Other parenting strategies for harder to parent kids. Other tools for your toolkit. 
  • Identify your triggers.
  • Set realistic expectations.
  • Use silliness or playfulness.
  • Remove the audience.
  • Help kids show they are sorry rather than demand they say they are sorry.
  • The phone strategy.
  • Watch what the child is doing rather than what she is saying.
  • Payback time.
  • Admit it when you made a mistake.

Support the show

Please leave us a rating or review.  This podcast is produced by www.CreatingaFamily.org. We are a national non-profit with the mission to strengthen and inspire adoptive, foster & kinship parents and the professionals who support them.

Creating a Family brings you the following trauma-informed, expert-based content:

• Weekly podcasts
• Weekly articles/blog posts
• Resource pages on all aspects of family building

Drop us some Fan Mail. Thanks!

Question: How can I support siblings who have been separated by foster care or adoption? How can I help them build long-term secure attachments?

Resources:

• Sibling Relationships (Resource page)
• Working as Part of the Foster Care Team (Resource page)
• Creating a Family Online Facebook Group

Support the show

Please leave us a rating or review.  This podcast is produced by www.CreatingaFamily.org. We are a national non-profit with the mission to strengthen and inspire adoptive, foster & kinship parents and the professionals who support them.

Creating a Family brings you the following trauma-informed, expert-based content:

• Weekly podcasts
• Weekly articles/blog posts
• Resource pages on all aspects of family building

Drop us some Fan Mail. Thanks!

Children who have been sexually abused can heal. Join our conversation with Dr. Eliana Gil to learn how. Dr. Gil is the founder of the Gil Institute for Trauma Recovery. She specializes in the assessment and treatment of trauma in children, especially those who have been sexually abused. She is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a Registered Play Therapist Supervisor, and a Registered Art Therapist.

In this episode, we cover:

• What type of abuse is considered “sexual abuse”?
• Parents often don’t know before fostering or adopting or taking in their grandchild that the child has experienced sexual abuse. What behaviors might indicate that a child has been abused sexually?
• What kids are at greatest risk for being sexually abused? 
• Brief refresher on typical psycho-sexual development in children without abuse and how sexual abuse can alter this.
• How does the impact of the abuse differ on the child depending on their relationship to the abuser?
• Children can and do heal from sexual abuse. 
• What are the long-term impacts of having been sexually abused?
• Not all kids who were sexually abused become sexual abusers. Is there research on this? How common is this?
• Guilt because they may have enjoyed part of the experience—physically or the attention.
• The presence of a supportive adult who believes the child can make a difference in how a child recovers.
• How should a parent respond if a child discloses sexual abuse?
• How can parents help children heal from sexual abuse?
• What protective factors in children or families make recovery more likely?
• What are some practical tools and talking points to assist a child in the re-learning of healthy boundaries and expressions of healthy affection? 
• How to find a therapist to help a child heal from sexual abuse?
• What safeguards should a family have in place when accepting placement of a child who may have been sexually abused? How to protect other children in the home?

Support the show

Please leave us a rating or review.  This podcast is produced by www.CreatingaFamily.org. We are a national non-profit with the mission to strengthen and inspire adoptive, foster & kinship parents and the professionals who support them.

Creating a Family brings you the following trauma-informed, expert-based content:

• Weekly podcasts
• Weekly articles/blog posts
• Resource pages on all aspects of family building

Drop us some Fan Mail. Thanks!

Question: For someone who is looking to become a foster parent should they go with a public or a private foster care agency? Which is best?

Resources:

• Choosing a Foster Care Agency
• Becoming a Foster Parent
• Working as a Part of the Foster Care Team

Support the show

Please leave us a rating or review.  This podcast is produced by www.CreatingaFamily.org. We are a national non-profit with the mission to strengthen and inspire adoptive, foster & kinship parents and the professionals who support them.

Creating a Family brings you the following trauma-informed, expert-based content:

• Weekly podcasts
• Weekly articles/blog posts
• Resource pages on all aspects of family building

Drop us some Fan Mail. Thanks!

Do you struggle with getting your child to sleep? Join our conversation with Macall Gordon and Kim West, co-authors of the book, Why Won’t You Sleep?!: A Game-Changing Approach for Exhausted Parents of Nonstop, Super Alert, Big Feeling Kids.

In this episode, we cover:
This is not a newborn sleep training book. This is for those exhausted parents of kids from about age 1-6 who have tried it all and their child still won’t fall asleep easily or put themselves back to sleep when they awake in the night. 

• Why are some kids just harder to get to sleep or harder to keep asleep?
• Why is sleep so hard for some kids?
• How does trauma impact a child’s ability to fall and stay asleep?
• What are the biggest sleep issues for these kids and what can we do about them?
  • Overtiredness
  • Problems with the lead-up to lights out (transitions and routine)
  • Parent is a required part of the go-to-sleep and back-to-sleep pattern
  • Past inconsistency (trying a method then stopping too soon or only partly trying)
• Parents worry that if they don’t immediately respond to their child’s cry, they will damage the attachment or that their child will feel unloved.
• Thoughts on co-sleeping or the family bed.
• Thoughts on books on tape or video?
• AD has been with us since she was 1, is now almost 7. She's always required us to be with her to fall asleep, occasionally waking in the night. Now for about 2 months she basically needs my husband or I to sleep in her room. If we aren't there, she wakes multiple times, crying for us.
• She says she's afraid of bad dreams and bad thoughts inside her head, so no lights, monster spray, soothing music, etc. have helped. There is no event we can recall that started this, the only thing that fits time-wise is an age-appropriate storybook we read about adoption, with a happy ending.
• We are happy to give her the connection she needs but we are also tired... Any ideas on how to help?

Support the show

Please leave us a rating or review.  This podcast is produced by www.CreatingaFamily.org. We are a national non-profit with the mission to strengthen and inspire adoptive, foster & kinship parents and the professionals who support them.

Creating a Family brings you the following trauma-informed, expert-based content:

• Weekly podcasts
• Weekly articles/blog posts
• Resource pages on all aspects of family building

Drop us some Fan Mail. Thanks!

Question: I'm interested in adopting an older teenager (16 or 17). An agency worker shared that many older teens don't want to be adopted, and just want to age out of foster care. Is this true, and if so, is adopting an older teen a reasonable goal?

Resources:

• Foster Care Adoption (Resource page)
• Adoptee & Former Foster Youth Voices
• Foster Care (Suggested Books)

Support the show

Please leave us a rating or review.  This podcast is produced by www.CreatingaFamily.org. We are a national non-profit with the mission to strengthen and inspire adoptive, foster & kinship parents and the professionals who support them.

Creating a Family brings you the following trauma-informed, expert-based content:

• Weekly podcasts
• Weekly articles/blog posts
• Resource pages on all aspects of family building

Drop us some Fan Mail. Thanks!

Join us for this interview with former NFL Running Back and Super Bowl Champion Ricky Watters. He is an adoptee, an adoptive dad, and author of a new children's book on adoption, A Gift Called Shane.

In this episode, we discuss: 

• How old were you when you learned you were adopted and how did you find out?
• When you discovered you were adopted, you mentioned in your NFL movie that it put a big chip on your shoulder. How has that chip served you well as an adoptive dad? 
• How has it been a detriment?
• Why did you decide to adopt?
• Why did you decide to adopt internationally?
• Did your experience with finding out late that you were adopted affect the way you discussed adoption with your son?
• Do you see any signs of a similar “chip” in your son that you had when you found out you were adopted? How do you help him navigate it for his own success?
• How did you prepare your biological son for the adoption of his brother? 
• How do you support your adopted son in his questions about identity, birth family, etc.?
• Are you in reunion with your biological family?
• How has your adoptive family handled your reunion with your birth family?
• How excited were you for fellow hometown boy Shady McCoy to get into the Eagles Hall of Fame?
• What was your experience with playing at Notre Dame? 

Support the show

Please leave us a rating or review.  This podcast is produced by www.CreatingaFamily.org. We are a national non-profit with the mission to strengthen and inspire adoptive, foster & kinship parents and the professionals who support them.

Creating a Family brings you the following trauma-informed, expert-based content:

• Weekly podcasts
• Weekly articles/blog posts
• Resource pages on all aspects of family building

Drop us some Fan Mail. Thanks!

Question: My husband Sean and I are here in Canada and early in the adoption process. We are looking at private infant adoption through an adoption agency.  My question is around getting ready. When we successfully match it is almost a certainty it will be with a newborn and there’s a 30% chance it’s a no-notice match and we have days rather than months to get ready. How would you recommend preparing? Do you think getting a crib, clothes, etc. is overkill? I’m a planner, so I love to be prepared!  Thanks!

Resources:

• Suggested Books for Adoption
• Creating a Family Online Support Group
• Transitioning a Child to Your Home

Support the show

Please leave us a rating or review.  This podcast is produced by www.CreatingaFamily.org. We are a national non-profit with the mission to strengthen and inspire adoptive, foster & kinship parents and the professionals who support them.

Creating a Family brings you the following trauma-informed, expert-based content:

• Weekly podcasts
• Weekly articles/blog posts
• Resource pages on all aspects of family building

Drop us some Fan Mail. Thanks!

Can our kids heal from all the hard things they've experienced? Is there something we can do to help? Join us today to learn about the power of positive childhood experiences with Dr. Robert Sege, the director of the HOPE National Resource Center at Tufts Medical Center. He holds a MD degree from Harvard Medical School and a PhD degree in biology from Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

In this episode, we cover:

• What are some of the benefits to kids from having positive childhood experiences?
• You have identified four building blocks for positive childhood experiences. What are they and give us specific examples of what parents and caregivers can do in each block to promote these experiences? 
• How do these positive childhood experiences differ by age of the child? 
• Can positive childhood experiences mitigate the impact of adverse childhood experiences? 
• How can we help our kids be more resilient?
• Are all stress and negative experiences in childhood bad for our kids?
• Are there particular ages where kids are more receptive to the healing impact of positive childhood experiences?
• Our audience includes foster, adoptive, and kinship parents. While adoptive parents have a lifetime with the kids (and kinship caregivers may also have the same), foster parents are usually a temporary landing place for a child while their parents work on getting them back. How much impact can you have if you only have the child for a few months or a year?

Resources:

• HOPE National Resource Center 

Support the show

Please leave us a rating or review.  This podcast is produced by www.CreatingaFamily.org. We are a national non-profit with the mission to strengthen and inspire adoptive, foster & kinship parents and the professionals who support them.

Creating a Family brings you the following trauma-informed, expert-based content:

• Weekly podcasts
• Weekly articles/blog posts
• Resource pages on all aspects of family building

Drop us some Fan Mail. Thanks!

Question: My husband and I were foster parents in the US, and have since relocated to Denmark for his work. We both still feel called to adopt from foster care, and would like to do that from the US. We know that the US and Denmark are both members of the Hague Convention, and can adopt from each other. You have great resources about international adoption, but usually from the perspective of a person in the US adopting from a foreign country. I'm wondering if you would consider doing a podcast episode on the process of a US citizen habitually resident in a foreign country adopting from US foster care. 

Resources:

• Foster Care Adoption
• Choosing a Foster Care Agency
• The Creating a Family 3-Step Process for Choosing an International Adoption Agency

Support the show

Please leave us a rating or review.  This podcast is produced by www.CreatingaFamily.org. We are a national non-profit with the mission to strengthen and inspire adoptive, foster & kinship parents and the professionals who support them.

Creating a Family brings you the following trauma-informed, expert-based content:

• Weekly podcasts
• Weekly articles/blog posts
• Resource pages on all aspects of family building