Today we’re going to talk about if “disappearing” on your ex is a viable strategy to re-attract them. In other words, does it work?

I’m of the opinion that while each breakup is unique with its own set of circumstances, in general, disappearing on your ex for a certain amount of time can be effective if you do the right things during it.

What are those right things? We’ll that’s what we are going to talk about today as well as the following things,

That’s a lot to cover so let’s begin.

A lot of times when the experts out there are talking about “disappearing” on an ex they’re really referring to the no contact rule.

As you can see from the google trends chart below,

Interest in the concept has been steadily increasing as the years go by. So, what exactly is the no contact rule?

Well, our official definition is as follows,

The no contact rule refers to a period of time where you cut off all conceivable communication with an ex after a breakup. The intent of this tactic should NOT be used to make your ex miss you but instead should be used to rebuild your own life so that you outgrow your ex. By doing this, the no contact rule can have the added benefit of making an ex miss you.

The thing about the no contact rule is it truly varies based on who you talk to and the advice they give. The elements remain largely the same though,

It’s that last part that usually serves as the primary motivation for completing a no contact rule but I’m always puzzled by the fact that most people don’t really do the work to understand WHY the no contact works.

If they did so they’d literally have a better understanding on why disappearing on your ex suddenly works.

There’s actually two core engines powering the no contact rule.

Let’s turn to Wikipedia to help us with our understanding of reactance.

Reactance is an unpleasant motivational reaction to offers, persons, rules, or regulations that threaten or eliminate specific behavioral freedoms. Reactance occurs when a person feels that someone or something is taking away their choices or limiting the range of alternatives.

So, by implementing a no contact rule you take away the option an ex has of talking to you which inherently makes them more likely to react in a way to try to get that option back.

This is often the first engine that folks point to when they argue the no contact rules effectiveness but personally, I’ve found it to be overrated.

In fact, a recent study of my clients found that on average most exes won’t even reach out to you during no contact.

62% of people if we’re splitting hairs.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that reactance isn’t a big deal, it is and it certainly plays an important role for the effectiveness of disappearing but I’ve actually found the second engine to be a lot more helpful.

I’ve been doing a lot of research on avoidants this year. So much so, in fact that I’ve written 12 articles about them and I’ve referred to them in dozens of other articles.

I was inspired to do so after I learned that the vast majority of our clients exes have avoidant tendencies,

So, what does that mean?

Well, someone with an avoidant personality has one consistent theme throughout their life. They are fiercely protective of their independence so any slight perceived as threatening that independence causes them to run away.

Yet they live a great paradox.

They want love but they won’t let anyone close enough to provide that love.

Which leaves them in a really difficult position.

In researching them I actually stumbled across this gem of a website, Free To Attach, which taught me,

Avoidants are free to long for an ex once that person is unavailable out of the relationship, and typically out of contact so they are untouched by actual engagement and their deactivation systems aren’t triggered, revealing their long-suppressed attachment and switching their operating attachment wound from the fear of engulfment to fear of abandonment.

I cover this idea a lot more “in-depth” in the following video,

But my argument is a simple one.

By implementing a no contact rule you actually put forth signals that you have moved on which actually signals to the avoidant that they can actually begin feeling nostalgia towards you.

That’s the funny thing about avoidant individuals they literally won’t give themselves permission to miss you until they feel safe doing so which only happens if they feel like you aren’t a threat to their independence.

The no contact rule solves that nicely.

Yet there’s a delicate line you have to walk because too much space also allows them time to move on so that brings us to the next big thing we need to answer.

How much “disappearing” is too much disappearing?

The no contact rule isn’t supposed to be permanent if you want to get your ex back or recover the relationship. It is supposed to be permanent if you want to get over them.

I’m just going to write to those individuals who are trying to get their exes back since those are the individuals who most likely will be searching for this resource.

Generally speaking the no contact rule has a lot of different “end points.”

What is the right time frame?

Well, before I tell you that first a little psychology. Have you ever stopped and asked yourself how long it takes to either make or break a habit?

Approximately 66 days.

Technically that’s the average found in a study done by Phillipa Lally,

The real range of answers varied widely. Anywhere from 18 days to 254 days.

But let’s just use 66 days as our average baseline.

Theoretically if your ex wanted to purge themselves of all thoughts of you. If they wanted to get out of the habit of hurting over you. If they wanted to completely get over you it could take them 66 days.

Side Note: It’s been my experience that exes rarely can get out of the habit of the love withdrawal that quickly so don’t freak out if that seems quick. It’s usually not. Remember, I’m just using the 66 day time frame as an example.

So, assuming you are trying to get them back why would you help them along?

Yes, giving them space at first is a very good idea. It allows that avoidant nostalgia to kick in but don’t be fooled into thinking some avoidant nostalgia is enough to win an ex back, it’s not.

Eventually that nostalgia will fade and your ex will be on to greener pastures.

This is why we offer three official time frames for the no contact rule,

Lately we’ve seen the most success with our 45 day rule but I want you to take note that none of these time frames go above the 66 day habit rule.

This is by design.

There is one more small order of business we need to discuss though.

If you haven’t visited our success story page I urge you to do so. We have a ton of great interviews and even a cool video,

Thus far I have veered this article to talk about why disappearing from an ex works.

We’ve talked about how it plays into avoidant nostalgia and how you have to walk this tightrope between disappearing too much and too little.

But there’s one final element that our success stories taught me.

If you notice the timestamps on when I interviewed a lot of these success stories on our success story page you’d notice that a lot of them started being interviewed in 2020.

Really that’s when I started studying what set these individuals apart from the non successful ones.

We learned a lot. It’s actually what made me take a deeper look at attachment styles. But ultimately the big takeaway I learned from them had more to do with time management.

Specifically what they were doing with their time during the no contact rule. I noticed that the most successful individuals literally used that time away from their ex to find a greater purpose in their life.

They essentially found emotional leverage.

As you can imagine our average client wants their ex back. They’ll literally upend their entire lives to make this happen which I suppose in a way is a bit admirable that they care so much about this other person.

But it doesn’t play well with the avoidant phenomenon. They often can’t help themselves when they inevitably get back in touch with their ex.

They act anxious and desperate.

What made the successful individuals so successful was their ex was no longer their first priority. They went into meeting their ex again with a quiet confidence that even if a worst case scenario unfolded they’d be fine.

They have this other goal to accomplish.

And that’s what sets them apart. Find something you care about more than your ex before you talk to them and your ex won’t have an emotional sway over you anymore.