Empowered to Connect Podcast

What if the trust we struggle to give, to God, to people, even to ourselves, traces back to how our earliest needs were met? Counselor, author, and trainer Melinda Cathey joins Jesse to talk about how attachment shapes our ability to trust, why caregivers often have to start with their own stories, and what a corrective experience looks like for a child who has experienced stress, trauma, and adversity. This episode discusses faith openly: Melinda shares her Christian perspective and how attachment connects to trusting God, so it's a thoughtful, faith-forward conversation for anyone who loves a child who struggles to trust, or who has wrestled with trust themselves.

Belief and trust are different things. Belief is cognitive (do I think you're telling the truth?), while trust is relational and only grows through experience with someone who has proven safe.

The four attachment styles (Secure, Anxious Avoidant, Anxious Ambivalent, and Disorganized) shape how we relate to people and, for many, how we picture God. Change starts with awareness, then picking one skill to work on with a friend or therapist.

Children who have experienced trauma need corrective experiences, not just corrected behavior. Caregivers do this work best when they've looked honestly at their own wounds first.

00:00 – Introduction: meet Melinda Cathey

00:01 – Moving to Russia in 1992 and co-founding a transitional care program for young adults aging out of orphanages

00:04 – The 10 to 15 percent of young adults she couldn't reach

00:05 – Discovering Dr. Karen Purvis and TBRI

00:11 – Why Melinda wrote Deeper Than Belief

00:12 – Belief vs. trust

00:16 – Faith and psychology: what each side gets wrong

00:22 – Why healing starts with the caregiver

00:27 – The attachment cycle and the four attachment styles

00:40 – Corrective experiences for kids with hard beginnings

00:45 – Dependency by design

00:49 – Changing long-held patterns: awareness, "lights on," and picking one skill

00:53 – An invitation for those with church wounds

01:00 – Prayer and therapy: both/and

01:06 – Advice for parents and pastors sharing faith with children who have experienced trauma

01:09 – Final thoughts and wrap-up

Melinda Cathey is a counselor, trainer, and author of Deeper Than Belief. After moving to Russia as a missionary in 1992, she co-founded The Harbor, a transitional care program for young adults aging out of orphanages, and now trains caregivers and ministry partners around the world.

Website: Melinda Cathey at Orphanos

Deeper Than Belief by Melinda Cathey (from the publisher, Kirk House Publishers)

Deeper Than Belief on Amazon (paperback)

Deeper Than Belief on Amazon Kindle (e-book)

Orphanos missions

ETC's attachment cycle image (on Instagram)

ETC's attachment cycle animation on YouTube

ETC's attachment styles animation on YouTube

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FASD specialist and adoptive mom Sandra Flach joins Jesse to break down fetal alcohol spectrum disorder: what it actually is, why it hides behind behavior nobody understands, and why it's one of the most common and least discussed disabilities in foster care and adoption. Sandra shares her own family's diagnosis journey and the accommodations-based approach that finally helped her understand her sons instead of just managing their behavior. It's a conversation for anyone parenting a child whose brain might be working differently than expected, diagnosed or not.

Sandra Flach is co-founder of Justice for Orphans and an adoptive and kinship parent of six. After her own sons were diagnosed with fetal alcohol syndrome, she became a national voice on FASD, offering training, coaching, and a peer support community for foster and adoptive families.

Website: Justice for Orphans: FASD Training & Support

FASD is far more common than most people realize (one in twenty people prenatally exposed to alcohol, up to seventy percent of kids in foster care), yet true diagnosis is rare because doctors are trained to look for facial features present in fewer than ten percent of cases.

FASD symptoms overlap heavily with trauma and can look like willful defiance, but the brain difference is real: what looks like "won't" is usually "can't," especially around executive function, auditory processing, and daily living skills.

The path forward is accommodation, not consequence: understanding a child's specific struggles (memory, impulse control, sensory processing) and adjusting expectations the same way we already do for visible disabilities.

00:00 – Introduction: meet Sandra Flach, adoptive and kinship mom, FASD specialist and advocate

00:01 – FASD 101: how common it actually is, and why it's called an invisible disability

00:08 – Getting a diagnosis: who can diagnose FASD, and why so few doctors do

00:13 – Why the standard diagnostic criteria miss 90% of cases

00:19 – Not a straight line: the "scribble" and FASD's scattered developmental profile

00:28 – Why it's not that they won't, it's that they can't: executive function and the brain

00:36 – The neurobehavioral approach: accommodations instead of consequences

00:40 – "A child with brain damage": the reframe that changed how Sandra saw her sons

00:46 – Grief, interdependence, and redefining what success looks like

00:52 – Untangling shame, for parents, kids, and birth parents

01:03 – The long view: daily living skills, connection, and "not yet" instead of "never"

01:07 – Where to find Sandra: her support group, training, podcast, and a free gift

Justice for Orphans: FASD Training & Support

Hope Community (Sandra's online FASD support group)

The Adoption & Foster Care Journey podcast

Sandra Flach's site (Soul Care Saturday devotional and free breath prayers download)

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What does open adoption actually mean, and what happens when fear gets in the way of staying connected? Annie Iverson, adoptive mom of four and creator of Write It & Remember It, joins us to talk honestly about openness, boundaries, and the small, sustainable habits that keep birth family connections alive.

Episode Bullets

Openness lives on a spectrum, from a card a few times a year to regular visits. There's no single "right" version of it.

Three common misconceptions about open adoption: it means co-parenting, it's all or nothing, and it's mainly for the birth mom (it's really for the child).

Keeping the child at the center means letting their questions, not the adults' comfort, drive the connection.

A simple four-times-a-year rhythm (birthdays, a holiday, Birth Mother's Day, and one more) helps families stay consistent without overthinking it.

"Something is better than nothing": an imperfect photo or a short text still counts as connection.

Fear, of saying the wrong thing, of being judged, is often the biggest barrier, not logistics.

If contact has faded or gone quiet, it's never too late to reach back out through the agency.

Annie created Cards That Connect and the Birthday Interview Cards to make staying in touch simple and sustainable for other families.

Resources Mentioned

Write It & Remember It — Cards That Connect + Birthday Interview Cards

Birthday Interview Cards & Book

Digital Cards That Connect

Free Guide: Keeping the Connection After Placement (PDF)

Annie on Instagram

Promo code: CONNECT20 for 20% off (Annie's gift to ETC listeners)

Timestamps

00:03:29 — What "openness" really means

00:07:39 — Three misconceptions about open adoption

00:16:20 — Keeping the child at the center (the birth mom & shoe-size story)

00:21:43 — The four-times-a-year rhythm for staying consistent

00:22:52 — "Something is better than nothing"

00:32:18 — Fear as the biggest obstacle to staying connected

00:34:06 — What to do when contact has faded

00:41:52 — Letting go of the "hero" narrative

If this episode encouraged you, share it with another parent who needs to hear it. For more support on connected, trauma-informed parenting, check out our Connecting Practices Handbook and the Cultivate Connection course.

If bedtime in your house feels like a nightly negotiation, or you're the one lying in the dark at 2 a.m. wondering why nothing seems to work, this conversation is for you. Pediatric sleep consultant Allison Ezell spent years stuck between a sleep doctor telling her to sleep train and a TBRI therapist affirming the trauma-informed parenting she knew her son needed, unable to find anyone who could bridge the two. She eventually became the person she needed, and she's bringing that hard-won wisdom to us today.

The two building blocks of sleep science, sleep associations and sleep pressure, and why understanding sleep associations alone resolves most of the sleep struggles Allison sees.

The difference between "putting a child to sleep" and "putting a child to bed," and why that distinction matters most for kids who wake in the middle of the night.

A practical bedtime routine built around what a body actually needs to fall asleep: sensory input earlier in the evening, a warm bath or shower, real connection, and a small snack.

How to build felt safety around bedtime fears through repeated, low-pressure exposure, and a gradual pullback method for weaning off sleep associations without a jarring overnight switch.

A consistent, scripted response for middle-of-the-night wake-ups, plus the red flags (frequent waking, restless legs, long sleep onset, excessive daytime sleepiness) that mean it's time to talk to a doctor.

Dwell Pediatric Sleep

Allison Ezell on Instagram (@dwellpediatricsleep)

00:00:37 — Allison's story: years of sleeplessness with her son, and how she became a pediatric sleep consultant

00:05:03 — The two big buckets: trouble falling asleep vs. trouble staying asleep

00:08:01 — Sleep science 101: sleep associations, explained through "the pillow"

00:11:09 — "For a lot of parents, they are the pillow": why parents become the sleep association

00:13:36 — Building a child's confidence and tolerance for separation

00:20:35 — Why temperament and history change how a child responds to sleep

00:22:45 — Sleep pressure, naps, and finding the right wake windows

00:30:36 — What has to happen in the body to fall asleep: heart rate and body temperature

00:33:07 — Building a bedtime routine: sensory input, bath or shower, connection, snack

00:41:37 — Creating felt safety around bedtime fears through repeated exposure

00:47:52 — The gradual pullback: weaning off unsustainable sleep associations

00:53:07 — The scripted response for middle-of-the-night wake-ups

00:55:16 — Red flags that mean it's time to talk to a doctor

00:59:47 — Allison's closing message: it's not selfish to want to fix your family's sleep

Have a question or topic you'd like us to cover? Send it to [email protected]

What if the parent report card you've been grading yourself on this whole time was never actually yours to fill out?

Episode summary bullets:

Nicole Barlow, longtime foster and adoptive mom and one of our Cultivate Connection facilitators, shares how she went from feeling like a "rockstar" foster parent to realizing she was in way over her head.

Why the peer-to-peer model at the heart of Cultivate Connection matters: none of us are exempt from putting these tools into practice in our own homes.

The weight of being watched. Nicole opens up about neighbors, strangers, and offhand comments that shaped how she saw her own parenting.

How Nicole's understanding of Scripture around obedience and discipline shifted over time (a perspective she shares from her own faith journey).

Redefining success: from "my kids are compliant" to "does my adult child still call me, even from a hard place?"

Why a compliant kid isn't always a regulated kid, and what Nicole wishes she'd noticed sooner in her own home.

Dysregulation isn't disobedience: a look at fight, flight, freeze, and fawn, and why repair matters more than perfection.

Nicole and Jesse's honest conversation about social media, comparison, and the images of parenting we quietly measure ourselves against.

Nicole's closing encouragement for any parent white-knuckling their way through this season: "It's not yours to carry."

Resources mentioned:

Cultivate Connection On-Demand course: https://empoweredtoconnect.shop/products/cultivate-connection-on-demand

Connecting Practices Handbook: https://empowered-to-connect.myshopify.com/products/connecting-practices-handbook-ebook-spiral

Timestamps:

00:00 – Meet Nicole Barlow and her foster and adoptive journey

09:53 – From "I've got this" to feeling completely in over her head

18:13 – Faith, obedience, and the pressure of what other people think

26:31 – What "successful mom" used to mean to Nicole, and what changed

33:08 – Why her most compliant kid taught her the most about trauma

39:07 – Redefining success as relationship, not response

48:36 – Nicole's word for any parent white-knuckling it right now

Connect line: Find more trauma-informed parenting tools and connect with our community at http://empoweredtoconnect.org or follow along on Instagram @‌empoweredtoconnect.

Ever notice how a bedtime standoff, a backtalk moment, or a flat-out refusal can turn into you against your kid? Jesse sits down with Mo & Tona Ottinger for an honest look at what happens when parenting starts to feel like a competition, and why "winning" a moment can quietly cost you the relationship. This one includes real, unfiltered stories (including a New Year's Eve bedtime battle that's now family legend) and a simple mindset shift that changes how you handle the next hard moment.

What we cover in this episode

Why parenting can start to feel like you're on opposite sides of the net from your own kid, and how to get back on the same team

The difference between winning an interaction and being "rightly related," and why the second one matters more long term

A real, unfiltered bedtime story about doubling down that went sideways (and the do-over that followed)

What to do when your expectations and your child's needs are out of sync, especially with kids who struggle with big behaviors

A simple practice for slowing the moment down mid-conflict so you can respond instead of react

Resources mentioned

Cultivate Connection On Demand: ETC's parenting course, referenced for its "before, during, and after" framework

Connect with us

Have a question or topic you'd like us to cover? Send your idea to [email protected]

Some books change the way we see. Rhonda Roorda's In Their Own Voices did that for countless adoptive families, including our own here at ETC. In this episode, Rhonda returns to walk us through her debut memoir, Torn from the Root, and the four questions at its center: who was going to get hurt, what was it going to cost, who would be held accountable, and what hope could there be for repair. It is a tender, unflinching conversation about transracial adoption, the voice of the child within, and what it really takes to belong.

Listener-care note: this episode includes honest discussion of trauma, abuse, and mental health within the context of transracial adoption.

In this episode

Why Rhonda turned the lens on her own story after decades of documenting others, and what it meant to listen to the little girl within her

The four questions from her memoir that frame the whole conversation

The history most adoptive families never hear, from the 1970 National Association of Black Social Workers statement to the research that shaped current policy

How everyday language and labels shape a child's sense of identity and worth

The difference between celebrating a child's culture and simply living near it

A family "blueprint" approach to belonging, where every member is honored and advocated for

What repair actually requires, starting with an honest audit of ourselves

How nurture, in ETC terms, shows up in our words, our attention, and our follow-through

Resources

Torn from the Root: A Memoir of a Black Transracial Adoptee by Rhonda M. Roorda (Temple University Press). Pre-order available now, releasing July 2026.

In Their Own Voices, In Their Parents' Voices, and In Their Siblings' Voices, the landmark trilogy Rhonda co-authored with Dr. Rita J. Simon

In Their Voices: Black Americans on Transracial Adoption, Rhonda's award-winning solo work

Rhonda M. Roorda's website: https://rhondamroorda.com

Context referenced in the episode: the 1970 National Association of Black Social Workers position on transracial adoption, and the Multi-Ethnic Placement Act of 1994 with the Interethnic Adoption Provisions of 1996

You said it would be the last warning. You meant it this time. And somehow you are standing in the hallway with your voice raised, wondering how you ended up here again. If consequences have quietly become your first move, and you are starting to suspect they are not actually working, this conversation is for you.

What we cover in this episode

Why a consequence is so often the first thing we reach for, and what that reach is usually really about

What a quick consequence shuts down: the curiosity, the teaching, and your child's chance to learn what to do instead

The difference between a punishment mindset and a loving limits mindset, and how each one handles power

How the Faris and Ottinger homes actually deal with mistakes now, including the "consequence" the Faris’s friends could not believe was real

Small, doable first steps if you want to lean on consequences less, starting with one question you can ask yourself in the moment

Resources mentioned

Cultivate Connection (the on-demand parenting course where the Collaboration module lives): https://empoweredtoconnect.shop/products/cultivate-connection-on-demand

Connecting Practices Handbook (ideas for giving voice, choices, and compromises): https://empoweredtoconnect.shop/products/connecting-practices-handbook-ebook

Summer is here, and Jesse and Tona are keeping it real: they love summer, and it also asks a lot of them. In this episode, they sit down (virtually, because summer pivots happen to hosts too) to talk honestly about what it actually feels like to parent through the loss of structure — and what it can look like to find your footing in the middle of the season.

They cover everything from the emotional load working parents carry when school lets out, to practical ideas for younger kids and teenagers alike. Whether your summer is high-energy or gloriously low-key, this conversation is a permission slip to stop trying to curate someone else's summer and start trusting your own.

In this episode:

Why summer can feel like something you have to survive even when you love it

The difference between structure and rigidity — and why predictable rhythms matter for kids

Practical, low-cost ideas for younger kids

The "summer of ___" concept for kids & teenagers

Boredom tolerance as a regulation skill — and what to do when your child genuinely can't self-entertain

Resources & Mentions:

ETC Summer Survival Kit

Use Scaffolding - Free downloadable, Podcast Episode 90 & Episode 147, and we just wrote about this in our newest ETC Newsletter!

The Lazy Genius Collective / Kendra Adachi

Inside Out 2 (the character Ennui)

Why do kids lie, even when the truth would have been easier? This week, we’re replaying an oldie but a goodie: Let's Talk About Lying with Robyn Gobbel. Lying is usually about fear and felt safety, not character. This one will change how you respond.