Enneagram and Marriage

As we head into Thanksgiving week, fears are high and tensions are real and you and your family need both wisdom and peace for the wild cultural times and questions of faith in dark moments. Alexandra Hudson, leading world leader and founder of Civic Renaissance (with 50,000 subscribers and the praise of the Wall Street Journal) is timely on the pod, both in our convo here with Christa in also what she has written "The Soul of Civility" as she revived what the ancient Greeks called "the Great Conversation" about politics, beauty, goodness, and truth. On the must-listen pod here, Alexandra (Lexie) makes a crucial distinction: true civility is deeper than politeness, understanding the substance behind people's words and practicing robust discourse with love while respecting personhood. This conversation explores the "libido dominandi," the desire to dominate that shows up in marriages, families, and our cultural discourse, as human group effect takes us farther away from what we really need - each other. Whether you're navigating a tense marriage, a divided family gathering, or just trying to stay sane in our current moment, this listener-requested episode is a gem as you prep for differing voices over the holiday. Remember, respectful discourse doesn't mean avoiding disagreement, it means engaging it well and with love and grace so good is done in the world - we are all learning this together. Watch on YouTube!

Get the book: "The Soul of Civility: Timeless Principles to Heal Society and Ourselves" by Alexandra Hudson https://a.co/d/dzJN8Zs

Get on her website to get her beautiful newsletter: https://alexandraohudson.com/

Get on our Advent adventure together too where we'll discuss hope, love, and joy starting December 1st at ⁠www.EnneagramandMarriage.com⁠.

Find more about your type, the pod, freebies, and SO much more at our website right here! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.EnneagramandMarriage.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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The second episode in our family systems series explores the overfunctioning and underfunctioning dynamic, the exhausting pattern where one partner takes on too much responsibility while the other does less than their share. The more one overfunctions (making decisions, remembering everything, managing household and parenting), the more the other underfunctions (waiting to be told, checking out, not initiating).

This isn't about laziness or control, it's a reciprocal dance where you're creating each other's behavior. Christa breaks down how certain Enneagram types are more prone to overfunctioning (2s, 1s, 3s, 6s) or underfunctioning (9s, 5s, 7s, 4s), though any type can fall into either role. The way out?

Overfunctioners must stop doing so much and create space. Underfunctioners must start doing without being asked. Both must recognize they're creating the pattern together. We talk about all of that right here!

This episode is part of the ongoing family systems series also running on Instagram. For a deeper dive, tune in to Apple or join our E+M Collective here! You'll get insider info, be part of an encouraging community, and get video trainings and access at https://www.enneagramandmarriage.com/membership.

Get on our Advent adventure together too where we'll discuss hope, love, and joy starting December 1st at www.EnneagramandMarriage.com.

Find more about your type, the pod, freebies, and SO much more at our website right here! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.EnneagramandMarriage.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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As the days get shorter and the holidays approach, many of us feel that familiar darkness creeping in, doubt about our gifts, questions about our worth, uncertainty about whether we're enough. Pastor Ed Newton, Lead Pastor of the 27,000 member Community Bible Church in San Antonio and author of Why Not You?: Believing What God Believes About You, sits down with Christa for a conversation about finding faith, truth, and doing the deep personal work required to believe you're worthy, even in your weakest moments. Ed shares his own journey of therapy and spiritual work, unpacking how he learned he was loved despite his weaknesses (not because of his strengths). Drawing from Moses' story, Eminem's famous rap battle where he humbled himself by exposing his own flaws first, and his own experience with imposter syndrome and almost total darkness, Ed explores how we prove, please, and pacify others when we don't believe we're enough. Whether you're a person of faith or just someone searching for truth about your own worthiness, this conversation meets you where you are. Ed and Christa discuss how this shows up in marriage (one spouse overperforming to earn love, the other hiding their true self), how to break these exhausting patterns even for men who often want to display competency or machismo, and why ordinary people are exactly who get chosen for extraordinary things. As we head into the holidays, a season that can bring both light and strain, this episode offers the spiritual and emotional replenishment we all need to shore ourselves up for what's coming. Watch on YouTube!

Follow Ed here at his church: https://www.communitybible.com/

Get the new book here: https://a.co/d/5RJTLGm

Find the personality test here: www.5voices.com

Find more about your type, the pod, freebies, and SO much more at our website right here! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.EnneagramandMarriage.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Leave Christa a podcast question anonymously by sending an MP4 recording to [email protected].

Love what you're learning on E + M? Make sure you leave us a podcast review so others can find us, too⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ here!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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Ever feel like the more you try to connect with your spouse, the more they pull away? Or maybe you're the one who needs space while your partner wants to talk everything through? This is the pursuer-distancer dance, and it's one of the most common patterns in marriage. In this episode, we'll explore how your Enneagram type influences which role you naturally fall into. Heart types (2, 3, 4) often become pursuers, seeking connection and reassurance. Head types (5, 6, 7) frequently take the distancer role, needing space to process. Body types (8, 9, 1) can go either way depending on their specific type and stress level. But here's the key: when you understand YOUR type's fear and your PARTNER's type's fear, you can break this exhausting cycle. We'll give you one simple practice to try this week that interrupts the pattern—and it starts with doing the opposite of what feels natural. Whether you're a Type 2 who pursues when anxious or a Type 5 who distances when overwhelmed, you'll learn how to create connection without the chase.

Find more about your type, the pod, freebies, and SO much more at our website right here! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.EnneagramandMarriage.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Leave Christa a podcast question anonymously by sending an MP4 recording to [email protected].

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How do busy couples maintain marriage goals without becoming rigid? Christa sits down with Colton Simmons, 1w9, creator of the popular You've Got a Type YouTube channel and podcast, to explore staying flexible without losing standards. As a Type 1w9 married to a Type 3w4, Colton shares practical insights about his own 1-3 pairing dynamics, navigating the tension between "doing it right" and "getting it done efficiently," managing extreme productivity without burnout, and thriving as a high-achiever couple who are also navigating parenthood. They discuss how both partners can be driven without perfectionism killing connection, and Colton also shares about his creative but also uniquely-paced process for thorough Enneagram content (including typing Lord of the Rings characters) and his current series on each type in relationships. The conversation explores teaching without becoming rigid and also learning how many type 1s inner critics really work from the inside out as Colton so graciously and vulnerably shares. Whether you're a busy couple trying to balance goals and flexibility in a high-achiever pairing, wants to find your own balanced rhythm for creating content or teaching or leading others, (or just love deep Enneagram work), this episode offers you an interesting dive!

Find Colton's website here: https://www.youvegotatype.com/

Find Colton's YouTube here: https://www.youvegotatype.com/

Find more about your type, the pod, freebies, and SO much more at our website right here! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.EnneagramandMarriage.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Leave Christa a podcast question anonymously by sending an MP4 recording to [email protected].

Love what you're learning on E + M? Make sure you leave us a podcast review so others can find us, too⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ here!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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Communication in marriage breaks down when one partner can't open up - and often, it's the men who struggle most with vulnerability. In this practical, tool-filled conversation, Christa sits down with couples therapist Shane Birkel, a Type 7 and certified Relational Life Therapist who worked closely with Terry Real as his mentor. Shane is the host of Couples Therapy for Parents podcast and has been featured in Men's Health, Cosmopolitan, USA Today, and The New York Times. In this 7-7 pairing conversation, they do a deep dive into how men can actually open up in marriage and what their partners can do to help. Shane breaks down the speaker-listener technique - a research-backed communication tool that creates safety for hard conversations and helps men access and articulate their emotions. Learn why men shut down emotionally, how to explore patterns you may not even be aware of, and practical steps to help your husband (or yourself) begin to have more control of emotions and feel excited about the relationship again with the speaker-listener technique. Whether you're a man who knows you need to open up more or a partner exhausted from trying to connect, this episode delivers actionable marriage tips you can use tonight. Shane's RLT training and practical wisdom make this a must-listen for anyone who wants better communication in their marriage. Watch on YouTube!

Find and follow Shane on his website here: https://www.couplestherapistcouch.com/

Listen to the Couples Therapist Couch pod w/Shane right here: https://podcasts.apple.com/mu/podcast/the-couples-therapist-couch/id1281853816

Follow Shane on Instagram here: https://www.instagram.com/shanebirkel/?hl=en

Follow Shane on TikTok here: https://www.tiktok.com/@shanebirkel?lang=en

Find more about your type, the pod, freebies, and SO much more at our website right here! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.EnneagramandMarriage.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Leave Christa a podcast question anonymously by sending an MP4 recording to [email protected].

Love what you're learning on E + M? Make sure you leave us a podcast review so others can find us, too⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ here!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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What was wounded in relationship needs to heal in relationship. In this powerful conversation, Christa sits down with licensed psychotherapist and attachment expert Jessica Baum, author of the new book "Safe: An Attachment-Informed Guide to Building Secure Relationships," to explore why anxious attachment can't be healed in isolationm and what to do instead. Jessica reveals how implicit memories from childhood live in our bodies and change our felt sense in the world. Maybe a parent, teacher, or friend made you feel a certain way, and your body created protective spaces to keep you safe. Now, when your partner echoes that old wound, your nervous system reacts before your mind can catch up. Learn how healing happens through empathy, co-regulation, and anchoring relationships with safe people who can help you hold what you've been carrying alone. Discover what co-regulation actually looks like, why the earlier the wound the more relational support you need, and how to create secure attachment in your marriage even if you didn't have it growing up. Jessica's book includes exercises that help you regulate as you read, making it a healing companion for anyone ready to move from anxious patterns to secure connection. You can't do this work alone, and you don't have to.

Get the book here! https://www.amazon.com/Safe-Attachment-Informed-Building-Secure-Relationships/dp/0593850815

Get the somatic meditation and other gifts along with your purchase! https://jessicabaumlmhc.com/interview

More show links:

⁠Use this brief form to tell us more of what you'd like to hear and see on the pod in our E + M Pod survey!⁠ https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSc3QManM8zj6ODWSOAM3BdDLoLh-A4AzUO3zXu5xGq6bjUgsg/viewform?usp=header

Find more about your type, the pod, freebies, and SO much more at our website right here! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.EnneagramandMarriage.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Leave Christa a podcast question anonymously by sending an MP4 recording to [email protected].

Love what you're learning on E + M? Make sure you leave us a podcast review so others can find us, too⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ here!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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You don't just marry your spouse, you marry into their family. And if you've ever felt trapped in a toxic cycle with your mother-in-law or other family members, doomed to feel like either a victim or a villain no matter what you do, this episode is for you. Join Christa as she sits down with Type 3 clinical psychologist and couples therapist Dr. Tracy Dalgleish, author of the brand new book already heralded a best seller even before official launch tomorrow, "You, Your Husband, and His Mother: Create a Healthy Relationship with Your Mother-in-Law – and Your Spouse – in Five Simple Steps." Dr. Tracy introduces the most comprehensive method to date, her tried-and-true VAULT method to help couples break unhealthy patterns, set boundaries, and resolve conflicts with their mothers-in-law for a stronger marriage and happier life. Learn how to identify what type of MIL you have, develop mutual respect for boundaries, and most importantly, feel like you're on the same team with your partner and the larger family. Women, if your mother-in-law is overbearing, critical, or emotionally distant, this conversation will help you reclaim your power, strengthen your relationship, and solve your in-law problems once and for all. While Dr. Tracy's book focuses on women and their mothers-in-law, these principles apply to all in-law relationships. Men - listen to understand your spouse's experience AND to apply these boundary-setting strategies to your own in-law dynamics as well as you too find peace in the home and with those you love so dearly. Watch on YouTube!

Get Dr. Tracy's brand new book just for you here! https://a.co/d/9K7h1jB

Follow Dr. Tracy's practical tips (and she and her type 9 hubby model it for us) here: https://www.instagram.com/drtracyd/?hl=en

Get on Dr. Tracy's mailing list on her website here! https://drtracyd.com/

More show links:

Use this brief form to tell us more of what you'd like to hear and see on the pod in our E + M Pod survey! https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSc3QManM8zj6ODWSOAM3BdDLoLh-A4AzUO3zXu5xGq6bjUgsg/viewform?usp=header

Find more about your type, the pod, freebies, and SO much more at our website right here! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.EnneagramandMarriage.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Leave Christa a podcast question anonymously by sending an MP4 recording to [email protected].

Love what you're learning on E + M? Make sure you leave us a podcast review so others can find us, too⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ here!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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Get ready for a 1980s blast from the past twist on The Enneagram and Marriage Podcast this spooky season! In this family-friendly special episode, Christa welcomes two very special guests making their podcast debut: her nephew Lucas Wilson and son Jack Hardin, representing Gen Alpha, along with Gen Z E+M Certified Coaches Melody Hardin, 9 and Gen X Abigail Perry, 3. Together, they dive into typing beloved Stranger Things characters, predictors for the next season, and fave characters including Lucas Sinclair, Dustin Henderson, Joyce Byers, Jim Hopper, and more, just in time for the final season. This fun, intergenerational conversation explores how personality shapes heroism, friendship, courageous parenting, and love in the Upside Down,. Whether you're a die-hard Stranger Things fan eagerly awaiting the final season or just love a good fun-hearted family convo, this E+M Spooky Season Special brings the laughs, the insights, and maybe even a few jump scares. Perfect for a lighthearted listen! Watch on YouTube!

More show links:

Find more about your type, the pod, freebies, and SO much more at our website right here! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.EnneagramandMarriage.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Leave Christa a podcast question anonymously by sending an MP4 recording to [email protected].

Love what you're learning on E + M? Make sure you leave us a podcast review so others can find us, too⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ here!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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Join Christa and author Erica Liganza Gwynn (3-8 pairing) for an honest conversation about the lies we believe and how they affect us and our marriages. Erica, author of "That's Just Not True: How to Replace the Lies You Didn't Know You Believed with God's Unchanging Truth" (brand new release!) and host of the Thrive Podcast, shares practical wisdom for those of us hustling and juggling multiple roles without losing ourselves in the process. This episode tackles the most common lies we can believe about themselves and how these lies show up in work, parenting, life, and of course, marriage, plus we learn about Erica's best hacks for showing up when your heart is heavy but life still demands your presence. Pay close attention to how, as a pragmatic Type 3, she has learned to not overly expect from herself or others in the middle marriage season, this insight alone is worth the listen, but there's so much more! Learn how to detect God's truth in the middle of chaos, navigate rest and ambition without becoming a "human doing," and discover practical tools for replacing lies with truth. Perfect for anyone who needs encouragement to keep going when emotions are hard and the demands are high. Listen here! Watch on YouTube!

Erica's new book, "That's Just Not True: How to Replace the Lies You Didn't Know You Believed with God's Unchanging Truth" is right here! https://a.co/d/6Gujfnz

Erica's Instagram is here! https://www.instagram.com/ericaligenza/?hl=en

Erica's Thrive podcast is here! https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/thrive-podcast/id1480400869

More show links:

Our Boo Sale: Use code BOO30 here for 30% off pairing guides, the 52-week planner, and more here! www.EnneagramandMarriage.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Find more about your type, the pod, freebies, and SO much more at our website right here! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.EnneagramandMarriage.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Leave Christa a podcast question anonymously by sending an MP4 recording to [email protected].

Love what you're learning on E + M? Make sure you leave us a podcast review so others can find us, too⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ here!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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