Enneagram and Marriage

Christa sits down with Andrea Clark, marriage and family therapist with 28 years of experience helping thousands of women reignite spark, polarity, and devotion in their marriages. Andrea breaks down the overfunctioning-underfunctioning dynamic that kills attraction and explains how it's deeply connected to masculine and feminine polarity. They discuss why women often take on masculine energy in their marriages (managing, controlling, doing everything), how this creates distance and resentment, and what it looks like to create space for your husband to step up. Andrea offers practical guidance on how to stop overfunctioning without becoming passive, how to access your feminine energy without losing yourself, and why polarity matters for desire and connection. If you're exhausted from carrying the mental load and wondering why the spark is gone, this conversation will help you understand the deeper pattern at play. Watch on YouTube here!

Star here on your journey with Andrea! https://www.instagram.com/andrea.clark.mft/

Find more about your type, the pod, freebies, and SO much more at our website right here! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.EnneagramandMarriage.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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Have you ever caught yourself thinking, "I didn't get affection as a kid, so I'm going to make sure my kids get it" and then noticed you overwhelm them just a tad? Or maybe, "My parents never helped me, so I'm going to do for mine what I didn't get", but then your spouse gets your leftovers? That's the family ledger at work, an invisible accounting system tracking what you got, what you didn't get, and what you think you're owed. In this episode, Christa unpacks how this ledger from your family of origin often has so much to do with marriages right now (in the Contextual Family Systems Therapy frame), and how to finally put it down and build something new. Learn about the "revolving slate" (over-giving what you didn't get), destructive entitlement (withholding because you're "owed"), and the path to building merit instead of collecting debts. Practical homework prompts are included to help you and your spouse break free from ledger-keeping and choose love and light over scorekeeping. Watch on YouTube here!

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Christa sits down with listener fave Jay Stringer, therapist and author of his brand new book Desire: The Longing Inside Us and the New Science of How We Love, Heal, and Grow, for a conversation that bridges family systems, differentiation, and sexual intimacy in marriage. Jay breaks down how your family of origin shapes not just your attachment style but your sexual desire, why differentiation is essential for healthy intimacy, and how couples can stop triangulating their kids into their marriage. They discuss the family systems work that transforms your relationship in and out of the bedroom, how to work through attachment issues together as a couple, and why understanding where your desire comes from is key to healing and growth. If you've been doing family systems work and wondering how it connects to your sexual relationship with your spouse, this episode is a must-listen. Jay offers practical, research-backed insight into how we can grow in desire by doing the deeper work on our family patterns. Watch on YouTube!

Get Jay's book and workbook here! https://a.co/d/00mubz6x

Follow Jay on Instagram here! https://www.instagram.com/jay_stringer_/?hl=en

Find Jay's website with his courses, The Journey, and more that Christa refers to in the episode! https://jay-stringer.com/

Find more about your type, the pod, freebies, and SO much more at our website right here! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.EnneagramandMarriage.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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In this special listener-requested episode, the tables turn! Christa's daughter Hannah (the graphic designer behind Enneagram and Marriage) takes over as host to interview Christa about the questions you've been asking AND to share special E + M family news as another MFT in training gets added to the family: Hannah asks questions, What was her childhood like? What does she wish she'd known before marriage? Why does she love family systems theory so much? How does she regulate her nervous system after hard therapy days? Hannah asks the personal questions, from Christa's favorite thing about Wes, book talk, and more! This episode is a behind-the-scenes look at the person behind the podcast and a perfect bridge from the attachment series into March's family systems focus. Christa shares how her family of origin shaped her attachment style, what she's intentionally done differently as a parent, and what she hopes her kids remember about their family when they're adults. Whether you're a longtime listener or new here, this conversation will help you understand why Christa does this work, and maybe inspire you to look at your own story with fresh eyes. Watch on YouTube!

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In this final episode of the attachment series, Christa sits down with another Enneagram expert, Jeff Cook, Enneagram Type 1, philosopher, former pastor, and co-host of the popular Around the Circle Enneagram podcast, as we talk about attachment and how couples can process conflict. We also talk about his new book Around the Circle: An Enneagram Book (June 2025). Unlike most Enneagram books that profile types individually, Jeff's book explores nine essential questions everyone faces (like "How do I solve my problems?") and answers them for all nine types, creating a richer, more nuanced understanding.

Jeff brings a Christian philosophical lens to the Enneagram, reminding us of the fact that relationships are all we bring with us into eternity, so it's important to grow here as an individual, and we try to answer what it means to be our healthiest selves.

They discuss the power of naming our motives, why the Enneagram isn't about "putting people in boxes," the Harmonic groups (Positive Outlook: 2, 7, 9 who reframe; Competency: 1, 3, 5 who problem-solve; Reactive: 4, 6, 8 who intensify emotions). Whether you're new to the Enneagram or a seasoned student, this conversation will deepen your understanding and help you see yourself and your spouse more clearly. Watch on YouTube!

Important Show Notes from the Allender Center's Marriage Class

Marriage class coming up! Get live teaching from The Allender Center 's prolific teachers Dan and Becky Allender across three dates, starting tomorrow (or watch over Zoom) and use the code enneagram30 to get $30 off the course here! Growing in Marriage: A Guided Journey with Dan & Becky Allender.

Jeff's Exciting Around the Circle Materials!

Get Jeff's book here! https://www.amazon.com/Around-Circle-Enneagram-Jeff-Cook/dp/B0FD46YT16

Listen to the Around the Circle pod here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/around-the-circle-an-enneagram-channel/id1466446583

Visit the entire Around the Circle crew on their website as well! www.AroundtheCircle.org

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In this episode, Christa breaks down one of the most hopeful concepts in attachment theory: earned secure attachment. You are NOT stuck with the attachment style you developed in childhood. Whether you're anxious, avoidant, or disorganized, you can actually rewire your brain and nervous system to respond differently in relationships. Christa dives into the six-step roadmap to earning secure attachment: awareness, nervous system regulation, repair work, practice in relationships, and consistency over time. She breaks down what this journey looks like for all nine Enneagram types, and shows you the path forward. Transformation is possible, and it starts with one choice at a time.

Watch on YouTube!

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In this episode, Christa sits down with Alli Patterson, type 8 (8-1 pairing), teaching Pastor at Crossroads Church, author of Blueprint for Belonging and How to Stay Standing, and founder of the Ignite Conference to talk about the five types of relationships we all need to thrive: your core, circle, comrades, community, and crowd. Alli, who holds a seminary degree from Dallas Theological Seminary and just also released Spirit-Led Bible Study in February 2026 (this month!), breaks down how loneliness isn't about the quantity of relationships but the quality and variety of connection. Join us as we discuss how understanding these five relationship types can transform your marriage, friendships, and sense of belonging, and why so many of us are drowning in loneliness despite having more ways to connect than ever before. Christa also shares exciting updates and contests. Plus, we're giving away 5 copies of Alli's book Blueprint for Belonging. Follow Alli on social media Instagram account below (or on another social) and let us know at [email protected] that you did for a chance to win one of them! This conversation is for anyone who's ever felt lonely in a crowded room or wondered if their relationships are truly satisfying their soul. Alli reminds us: your relationships are the key to a thriving life and healthy attachment, don't settle for lonely. Watch on YouTube!

Follow Alli Patterson on Instagram and enter the contest for a copy of her book, Blueprint for Belonging, here! https://www.instagram.com/theallipatterson/

Find Alli's books, The Spirit Led Bible Study and Blueprint for Belonging here on her website! https://www.allipatterson.com/

Need mental health tips in this time? Sign up for the FREE EnneaSummit here! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.tylerzach.com/mh26/enneasummit?ref=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.tylerzach.com%2Fa%2F2148228842%2FLS2nNmzL

The Enneagram and Marriage Coaching & Certification Masterclass course begins again February 12, use code COACH for discount ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠here ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠or at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.enneagramandmarriage.com/the-e-m-coaching-masterclass⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Find more about your type, the pod, freebies, and SO much more at our website right here! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.EnneagramandMarriage.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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In this episode, Christa continues the February series on Attachment Styles Meets Enneagram by walking through all nine types and exploring two critical questions: How do you attach well to yourself, and how do you attach well to your partner? She opens by acknowledging the need for God and self-regulation (and five fun Valentine's Dates!), and then we breaks down each type's unique attachment challenges and growth narratives together. Christa makes it clear that secure attachment starts internally, but you cannot give your partner what you haven't given yourself. Listen now! ❤️

We also give a final call for your chance to join the E + M Coaching Certification & Masterclass Course starting February 12th (last day for $250 off with code COACH). This episode is practical, compassionate, and grounded in the truth that real intimacy requires showing up fully, with God, with yourself, and with your spouse as we celebrate our love and marriage this month of love ❤️. Watch on YouTube!

Need mental health tips in this time? Sign up for the FREE EnneaSummit here! ⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.tylerzach.com/mh26/enneasummit?ref=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.tylerzach.com%2Fa%2F2148228842%2FLS2nNmzL

The Enneagram and Marriage Coaching & Certification Masterclass course begins again February 12, use code COACH for discount ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠here ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠or at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.enneagramandmarriage.com/the-e-m-coaching-masterclass⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Find more about your type, the pod, freebies, and SO much more at our website right here! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.EnneagramandMarriage.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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In this conversation, Christa sits down with Kendall Mariah, author of the brand-new book This Little Fire of Mine: How Flickers of Doubt Can Spark a Bolder, Brighter Faith, to explore what happens when you stop performing faith and start living it authentically, especially in marriage. Kendall Mariah, 3, an adoptive mom, Army wife, and founder of Unapologetic Ministry, invites us to embrace holy discomfort, lean into doubt, and ask the hard questions we've been told to avoid. In this episode, they discuss how doubt can lead to discernment, why good friction is healthy in relationships, how to navigate different faith journeys with your spouse, and what it means to pursue an integrated life where your words and actions reflect the full truth of Scripture, not just on Sundays, but in your actual day-to-day marriage. Kendall says her book is about finding "a deeper, truer version of your soul," and Christa believes that when you find that truer version of yourself, you also find a truer version of your marriage. If you've ever felt the disconnect between your beliefs and your lived experiences, or if you're navigating faith questions alongside your spouse, this conversation will give you permission to embrace the journey and discover a bolder, brighter faith together as we work on deepening attachment all month long here on the pod! Watch on YouTube!

Get your copy of Kendall's brand new book here! https://www.amazon.com/This-Little-Fire-Mine-Flickers/dp/1400251672

Learn about Kendall here on her website! https://kendallmariah.com/

Get connected with Kendall on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kendallmariah/

Need mental health tips in this time? Sign up for the FREE EnneaSummit here! ⁠⁠⁠https://www.tylerzach.com/mh26/enneasummit?ref=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.tylerzach.com%2Fa%2F2148228842%2FLS2nNmzL

The Enneagram and Marriage Coaching & Certification Masterclass course begins again February 12, use code COACH for discount ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠here ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠or at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.enneagramandmarriage.com/the-e-m-coaching-masterclass⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Find more about your type, the pod, freebies, and SO much more at our website right here! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.EnneagramandMarriage.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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In this mini but important episode, Christa tackles the most common, and most painful, dynamic in marriage: the anxious-avoidant pairing. If you've ever felt like you're constantly chasing your spouse for connection while they pull away, or if you feel overwhelmed by a partner who won't give you breathing room, this episode will help you understand why these attachment styles are magnetically drawn to each other and how the pursue-withdraw cycle keeps you stuck. In this intro episode, Christa gives practical steps each partner needs to take to break the cycle and move toward earned secure attachment. The key insight: Your Enneagram type is the engine, your attachment style is the steering, understanding both is where real change begins. Whether you're anxious, avoidant, or somewhere in between, this episode gives you language for what's happening and hope that change is possible. Listen right here or watch on YouTube!

Need mental health tips in this time? Sign up for the FREE EnneaSummit here! ⁠⁠https://www.tylerzach.com/mh26/enneasummit?ref=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.tylerzach.com%2Fa%2F2148228842%2FLS2nNmzL

The Enneagram and Marriage Coaching & Certification Masterclass course begins again February 12, use code COACH for discount ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠here ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠or at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.enneagramandmarriage.com/the-e-m-coaching-masterclass⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Find more about your type, the pod, freebies, and SO much more at our website right here! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.EnneagramandMarriage.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Love what you're learning on E + M? Make sure you leave us a podcast review so others can find us, too⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ here!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Get Christa's Best-Selling Book, The Enneagram in Marriage, here! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://a.co/d/df8SxVx

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