In our latest podcast episode, Anna and I talk about how parents can navigate a conversation, when a child says, “I’m fat.” In Episode 109, we unpack why this moment feels so charged, and how to respond with curiosity and care.

We talk about the baggage our culture places on the word “fat,” why a one-size-fits-all script doesn’t exist, and how parents can validate their child’s feelings. You’ll hear what not to say, what to try instead and when to consider seeing additional support. We also share practical ideas for building body respect at home and how to circle back if your first response didn’t go the way you hoped.

* Hit play for language you can use today plus encouragement for staying grounded.

Do you have questions or a topic you’d like us to cover on the podcast?

You can also email us at [email protected] or DM us on Instagram at @sunnysideupnutrition.

Links

* More-love.org, Ginny Jones

* The Truth Behind Your Tween Daughter Calling Herself Fat, Ginny jones

* Parenting Without Diet Culture, Oona Hanson

* Pinney Davenport Nutrition, PLLC

* Lutz, Alexander & Associates Nutrition Therapy

* Photo by Juliane Liebermann on Unsplash

Transcript

Elizabeth Davenport, MPH, RD (00:00.524)

Okay. Hi, Anna. How are you?

Anna Lutz, MPH, RD (00:02.761)

Hey Elizabeth, how are you?

Elizabeth Davenport, MPH, RD (00:06.52)

Good, I’m good. It’s good to see you. So today we are talking about what to do when your child says, I’m fat. This can be such a tough moment for parents. It’s layered with so many of our own experiences with cultural weight bias and with assumptions that we might make about what our child is feeling. And kids are all different sizes and may mean totally different things when they use the word “fat”. There isn’t, and it’s important to know that there isn’t one right response, but our hope is that today’s conversation gives you tools and ideas for how to respond if this comes up in your home. And it has certainly come up in my home for sure. So, and it is really tough to know how to respond.

Parents often panic when their child says I’m fat. So let’s talk about why this comment feels so alarming. And really it leaves parents almost feeling kind of like they’re on their back, back foot.

Anna Lutz, MPH, RD (01:29.215) That’s so true. I mean, I think what it comes down to is that our culture has equated the word fat with bad.

Like everywhere we look, we’re getting these messages that fat is bad. know, many of us grew up that that word was an insult. And as parents, of course, we want our kids to be happy and safe and accepted. And so hearing this word that we have been, you know, “cultureized” or taught that it is bad or as an insult, can really hit a nerve as a parent. And so, you know, we’re a product of all that. It’s not anyone’s fault. It’s just, it just is.

I do think it’s important for us to talk a little bit about this word “fat,” because you might even notice as Elizabeth and I saying that you’re having a reaction to it that would be normal again because of our culture. But it’s also important to know that some people are reclaiming it as a neutral descriptor. So some people are really saying, you know what, all it is, is a descriptor. Some people are thin, some people are fat, some people are tall, some people are short. It’s a descriptor. And they’re using the word fat to describe their own bodies and not in a mean or disparaging way. And so, of course, we want to teach our kids that insulting people or commenting on people’s body is never okay, but you know at the same time to know that some people use the word fat in a neutral way and that’s and that’s great. And so this is where this conversation can get a little sticky.

Elizabeth Davenport, MPH, RD (03:15.132)

Exactly, exactly. And the challenge, as you said, is that we live in a society where fat is often used as an insult. And even if you’re raising your child with body respect values, they’re still getting these negative messages from peers, from the media, and just our culture overall and school as well. I guess that’s peers and our culture. So how can we acknowledge that reality, affirm biodiversity, and stay curious about what our child means and communicate that changing their body isn’t the solution.

Anna Lutz, MPH, RD (03:58.175)

It’s such an important and good question. And I feel like it’s a lot for us parents to balance, especially in the midst of us having our own reaction, right? We might be having our own reaction to it, but we’re trying to balance like, but we’re a body positive home and that’s a descriptive word, but are they insulting themselves? And did someone make fun of them? Right? Like all of this could be swirling in our head and it’s just so much to balance.

Elizabeth Davenport, MPH, RD (04:25.693)

It is, it is. And if the, you know, the child may be upset also, and it’s going to be maybe just hard for them to take in much of anything. so, but, but first, before I get ahead of ourselves, let’s start with what not to say when a child says I’m fat.

Anna Lutz, MPH, RD (04:43.849)

Yeah, I love that question because it’s a good place to start, right? Because there’s so much nuance here, but let’s, let’s really, I love that. Let’s dive into what not to say. So I think both of us really would recommend that you not say, “No, you’re not,” right? Because then you’re reinforcing that fat is this bad, bad, bad thing. And like, “goodness gracious, no, you’re not”. Because they might be fat, right? Your child might be in a larger body. And you’re also, again, don’t want to be reinforce this idea that it’s inherently bad. You don’t want to say, “Well, I’ll help you lose weight”. Let’s do X, Y, Z. Let’s change your food in some way. You don’t want to say that. you know, is, again, reinforcing that your child’s body is the problem and that there’s some kind of “solution,” to the problem.

Elizabeth Davenport, MPH, RD (05:35.978)

Right? And that they need to change their body. Yeah.

Anna Lutz, MPH, RD (05:37.983)

Exactly, exactly. And then the other one that comes to my mind is don’t say, “oh, don’t worry, you’ll grow out of it.” Right? Because again, first of all you don’t know that. Second of all, you’re reinforcing the idea that something’s bad and wrong that needs to change.

Elizabeth Davenport, MPH, RD (05:56.203)

Yeah, yeah, I know when we were when when I certainly when I was a kid What you often heard people say is it’s baby fat and you’ll grow out of it Yeah, which is just not that means there’s it’s something that needs to change which is not the case.

Anna Lutz, MPH, RD (06:14.015)

Exactly. And I think, of course, these are well-meaning responses. know, of course, as parents, we just want the best for our kids. They’re well-meaning, but like, as we mentioned, they can reinforce these harmful ideas. So instead, right, I know something you and I really talk about, instead of jumping in with the answers, like these things that we just named of what not to say, instead we want to pause.

Anna Lutz, MPH, RD (06:43.377)

And be curious with our child. So that can be hard for me sometimes, Elizabeth, for me to bite my tongue and to pause. So I’m partly saying this to myself. I need to pause and be curious.

Elizabeth Davenport, MPH, RD (06:55.848)

Yes, exactly. I have the difficult time with it as well. Yeah, because we just want to help our kids really. And so, but yes, because when a child, one of the reasons that we want to kind of slow down and be curious is also because when a child says, I’m fat, they may not literally be talking about their body size.

As we know, kids and adults are often expressing that they feel badly. And part of that is because the term fat is viewed as primarily as negative, but they could be expressing some kind of some other kind of discomfort, loneliness, frustration, anger, feeling left out and just any kind of they could be tired. So and the other thing is they could also be comparing themselves to others or just expressing some kind of awareness of their body. Right. So how can, yes, yes. So many things that can be going on. so how can parents gently explore what their child really means? I mean, I know we said initially pause, take a deep breath.

Anna Lutz, MPH, RD (08:05.949)

Absolutely. Absolutely. There’s so much going on, right?

Right.

So I think the thing is to ask open-ended questions. And I know this is something I have to actively practice when I’m having an emotional reaction to anything. My child might say, this is my default is to be like, let’s ask some questions instead of going into fix it mode. So you might ask questions and this curiosity may sound like, “well, what do you mean by that?” Or “tell me more about that.” It opens that door to understanding what your child is really feeling rather than making assumptions, assuming that they’re feeling what you’re feeling.

So once we’ve paused, taken a deep breath, maybe asked them open ended questions…what are some supportive responses that we could say instead of that kind of reassurance that we said not to say, reassurance about their appearance? What could we say that would be supportive?

Elizabeth Davenport, MPH, RD (10:05.426)

So there are a number of responses that we recommend. And of course, this is going to vary based on your child’s age and just your child’s personality in general. You know what your child is going to respond well to and what they’re not going to respond well to. you know, parents can acknowledge and validate the underlying feelings, right? Maybe it’s as we said, could be loneliness, frustration, comparing themselves to other people.

One thing you might say is it really sounds like you feel left out. That never feels good. Or you might just affirm, not just, but you might affirm that again, that bodies come in all different sizes and that all bodies deserve respect. And then if your child’s being teased, be clear that it’s with your child, which you know, if they’re being raised, they probably, you probably have been clear with them that this is the case, but remind them that it’s never okay to criticize someone’s body or use that as an insult. You can really offer them some support and see if help is needed from a teacher. And again, this is a difficult one, right? If it’s an older kid, they probably aren’t going to want you.

To talk to a teacher. They’re probably going to say, no, no, don’t talk to a teacher. And I’ll just quickly say here that, and this is a whole really probably another episode, but you know, and I know I can speak for you as well, Anna, we both firmly believe that criticizing kids for their bodies, making negative comments, that that really fall, that that falls under bullying.

And really needs to be addressed in the bullying policies and information that schools share with kids and their parents. And it needs to be reviewed throughout the year, I think, because people think it’s just, it’s okay. You know, people view it as something that’s just like, they’re just being kids. And that’s just not the case at all.

Anna Lutz, MPH, RD (12:15.099)

Absolutely.

Elizabeth Davenport, MPH, RD (12:27.649)

So back, back to what we were talking about. So just another question here is what if your child’s in a larger body and, comparing themselves to their peers? How would you, you know, what can we say about that?

Anna Lutz, MPH, RD (12:46.207)

So that’s a great question. So cause again, like we said, kids come in all shapes and sizes.

Anna Lutz, MPH, RD (13:05.585)

So I think that’s a good thing to acknowledge that bodies vary, right? Talk to your child about body diversity and you might even compare, look, my foot’s bigger than your foot or my foot is, you know, smaller than your dad’s foot. know, think through, there’s, bodies are different and they’re supposed to be different. So you can acknowledge that. But, you know, again, the key is we want to really make sure our child understand that is you really want to tease out with your child. Are they criticizing themselves? Are they using that word meanly to themselves? Or are they just simply noticing differences? So, it’s important to tease that out and be curious with your child so that you can affirm that their body is right just the way it is, acknowledge that there’s this body diversity, and at the same time, make sure they’re not putting themselves down.

Anna Lutz, MPH, RD (14:06.267)

So kind of the flip of that, if a child is in a thinner body and calls themselves fat, what should a parent say?

Elizabeth Davenport, MPH, RD (14:16.282)

I mean the same thing, really, as much as can, as best you can. Take a breath, stay curious, and ask what they mean. And again, remind them that all bodies deserve respect and that using fat is an insult and it’s harmful.

We’re gonna shift gears just a little bit and talk about a little bit about what parents can do on an ongoing basis to encourage body respect at home.

Anna Lutz, MPH, RD (14:53.663)

Yeah, I think that topic’s so important because we might not be able to react great in the moment when our emotions are high. So if we can give ourselves a break sometimes and know like, well, I’m working on this day in and day out. And that’s really what’s more important is like what we’re doing day in and day out. And also so that in the moment, it aligns with how you’re talking about bodies in general.

Anna Lutz, MPH, RD (15:45.416)

So on an ongoing basis, parents can, well the first thing to think about I think is that parents can do their own work around this. So if you’re really noticing, feeling really activated when these topics come up, maybe reflect on what you need to do. And that might be how you talk about food and bodies at home. A parent might really work on avoiding any kind of dieting.

They might work on practicing body acceptance themselves and you might decide you need some support around that, whether that’s support from a loved one or a professional. That can have a huge impact on your children as if you work on your own beliefs about food and bodies. But inside your home, you might really think about using what kind of language are you using day in and day out about bodies? Are you insulting yourself? And so it would make sense.

Anna Lutz, MPH, RD (16:38.959)

Know, that you’re, if you’re insulting yourself and calling your body names, it might not be a surprise if your child starts to do that, right? And so really thinking, okay, how am gonna talk about my own body? How am I gonna talk about other people’s bodies? And then it makes it easier when these conversations come up because you’ve been modeling this kind of ongoing.

Elizabeth Davenport, MPH, RD (16:48.355)

Exactly.

Elizabeth Davenport, MPH, RD (17:04.025)

Yeah, such good information is really helpful. Hopefully parents who are listening, I hope you’re finding this super helpful. And, you know, sometimes as we’ve talked about that when kids are commenting negatively about their bodies, it can be a sign of something deeper, like low self-esteem or even the beginning, or the start of disordered eating. So how can parents know when they need to seek additional support? Which is a big question. Yeah.

Anna Lutz, MPH, RD (17:42.752)

That’s a great question. Yeah, it’s a great question. Some things that come to my mind are if a child is isolating themselves, maybe their personality has changed, they’re not spending as much time with friends if they usually do, or you’re noticing a big change in their eating. Sometimes that can be disguised as cutting out entire food groups. So kind of noticing, are they talking derogatory about themselves?

And it’s also changing their behaviors, whether it’s how they interact with the world or how they interact with food. Those are some, those are the things that pop into my mind of where you might be like, you know what, I think we’re gonna, you know, find some other people for you to talk to in addition to me.

Elizabeth Davenport, MPH, RD (18:30.937)

Right. And I’d add if there’s been a change in their, especially an increase in their physical activity or concerns about being physically active. And then I think I’d add to find resources. just always encourage parents really to, well, you can always email us and we’ll help you connect you with someone in your part of the country who is weight inclusive, anti-diet, dietitian or therapist or both if you’re looking for both. So

Anna Lutz, MPH, RD (19:02.431)

Absolutely. And I think we’re going to link a few resources in the show notes, but someone who comes to mind is Ginny Jones, who we’ve had on this podcast before, and she’s written some wonderful articles about this topic, and she’s a great resource. So if you’re feeling like you need support as a parent, she’s an additional resource.

Elizabeth Davenport, MPH, RD (19:14.148)

Yes! Yes, and Oona Hansen as well has been on our podcast and has some great resources, including her newsletter.

Anna Lutz, MPH, RD (19:37.44)

Great. So for the parents that are listening, what do you feel like is one takeaway you’d like parents to leave this conversation? Because there’s a lot, we’ve said a lot, every conversation with a child is different. Obviously, we haven’t hit every scenario, but what do you want a parent listening to this to leave this conversation with?

Elizabeth Davenport, MPH, RD (20:01.124)

I mean, so I would say, don’t deny, you know, as best you can, don’t deny your child’s words with you’re not fat. Because that only reinforces the idea that fatness is something bad and something to be changed. And instead, validate their feelings. As we keep saying, invite curiosity and center body diversity and respect. And really as much as you can stay calm. This is a lot of things. It’s more than one thing really, but stay calm. Use neutral language. And if you need to, which can always be helpful, check in on where the message came from, right? Did it come from peers? Did it come from a family member, the school or media? Where is the information coming from can also be helpful. And then

Anna Lutz, MPH, RD (20:37.343)

Great.

Elizabeth Davenport, MPH, RD (20:59.319)

Just I think overall remembering that you don’t ever want children, we don’t ever want a child to feel like there’s something wrong with their body or that their body needs to be changed.

Anna Lutz, MPH, RD (21:13.279)

Absolutely, And I was just thinking, I think it’s important to add that it’s okay to go back to your child if you feel like you wish you had handled the conversation differently. I think that’s important to remember in anything about parenting. But if you feel like it surprised you and you said some things you wish you hadn’t said.

The great thing is that you can go back and it’s great to model that to a child anyway, to go back and be like, that conversation didn’t go as well as I would have liked. Would it be okay if we talked about it some more? I really would like to say what I wish I had said. And so to give yourself grace that this is hard. This is like changing the culture in your home against this kind of overlying culture that’s just everywhere, pervasive culture everywhere that is filled with weight bias. So give yourself some grace.

Elizabeth Davenport, MPH, RD (22:09.28)

Yes, it’s a very important reminder. Well, Anna, that’s all for today. Thank you all for joining us and feel free to email us with questions. Our email is [email protected]. You can also put questions in in Substack when we share the podcast episode or you can DM us on Instagram. And we’re always happy to answer questions or connect people with resources.

Anna Lutz, MPH, RD (22:42.821)

Absolutely. Thanks, Elizabeth, for having this important conversation with me and join us.

Elizabeth Davenport, MPH, RD (22:46.614)

Yes, yes, yes, likewise. Bye.

Anna Lutz, MPH, RD (22:50.783)

Bye.

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