Grief Encounters

The relationship between language and loss is something that we have we have covered in the past, and it’s also something that has proven to be divisive. How direct and frank should someone be, when the conversation is about an impending death? This week’s guest is the Journal.ie’s Orla Ryan, who sadly lost her father to esophageal cancer in 2012. It wasn’t until a nurse told Orla “A week in your dad’s life is a long time” did she realise just how little time she had left with him. 

In the interview Orla and Sasha discuss how we discuss grief and the words that we choose to use. Orla has done incredible work in the past speaking about her own grief, most notably the article 'Then everyone died': I lost four people I loved in 14 months. In the article orla describes at length her beautiful relationship with her father, and how in the 14 months following her death she also suffered the loss of two grandparents and a close friend. 

Speaking to Sasha about the longer term effects of successive loss like this, she said “It was this familiar thing that somebody else that you loved is gone. Talking about ‘the surreal period’ after a death, and if then there is a few more deaths in the space of just over a year, then ‘the surrealness’ can last for over another year as well. 

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A chronic illness can bring with it many devastating lows, but also moments of hope and relief. Anyone who has spent periods of time caring for someone who was ill, will know these range of emotions  far too well. This week on Grief Encounters, Sasha and Venetia catch up with fellow podcast and founder of The Shift Andy Gaffney, who is here to speak about his brother Raymond who had to face all of this while battling a rare form of Leukaemia, that sadly took his life in the summer of 2014. 

Raymond and Andy have hugely different personalities. As any listener to this week's episode will quickly realise, Andy is an extremely open and conversational guy. Raymond on the other hand was very introverted. By Andy’s admission Raymond always felt quite lost living in Ireland, and it wasn’t until he moved to Japan that he began to flourish in his own personality. In this week’s episode ,Andy brings Sasha and Venetia through the various highs and extreme lows of the last number of years of  Raymonds life, battling Leukemia but also having to give up his newly forged life in Asia. He also speaks about his own difficulties with alcohol and coping with the painful grief in the years after Raymonds passing, in what was an extremely compelling and honest interview. 

The Shift is an Irish Podcast Network that is aiming to be a sandbox for  Irish talent. Well, that or quicksand. Even with serious topics, The Shift aims to stand in the back of the room giggling to itself, a bit  like that annoying cousin at a funeral. Check out the www.theshift.ie to find out all about when shows are dropping. 

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This week’s Sasha meets the award winning UK writer Louisa young, who’s book You Left Early accounts her relationship with Robert Lockhart, an extremely talented and prolific composer from Wigan, who battled with alcohol addiction throughout his life. 

 Loving an addict can be incredibly difficult thing to do. It's a relationship that is often rampant with deceit & disappointment, and sadly more often that not, the addiction comes out on top. Louisa is a hugely empathetic person, and this is extremely prevalent in how she views addiction and the addict themselves. “The thing about an addict is, it may not be their fault that they’re and addict. I don’t believe it is their fault. They didn’t ask for the particular set-up of genes and experience and psychology, and everything that adds up to a person being addictive.” Louisa and Robert both struggled through the addiction and with an incredible amount of hard work, he was able to take command of his sobriety. 

Although sober, years of heavy alcohol abuse had left robert extremely ill. He was diagnosed with throat cancer, and managed to survive it. “He really suffered but he was a very battered but gallant, marvelous man.Then after all that, and all those things which could have killed him, he actually died by accident.” Their love story is one that seems desperately unfair, and Louisa speaks about this in great detail during the interview. She also puts a huge emphasis on how although Robert is no longer living, she does still consider him a huge part of her life presently. ‘I miss him everyday. I am incredibly happy not to be living with alcoholism in my everyday life. Even an alcoholic in recovery, it’s still a very hard full time job, both for the addict and for the people closest to them”

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This week’s guest on Grief Encounters has been an extremely familiar face on Irish television for nearly 2 decades. Nuala Carey joined Sasha and Venetia in studio to speak about her incredibly beautiful relationship with her father Maurice who passed away in November 2018. With a huge amount of bravery and compassion, Nuala has been using her platform as a way to exercise the conversation around grief, undoubtedly helping a huge amount of people up and down the length of the country.

Nuala’s father Maurice was a proud Corkoinian, and this was a hugely important part of his fabric. During his sickness Nuala did a huge amount of work to try and care for her father, but she considers her own involvement as an absolute given. “You have to be practical, this situation was not going to go on for two years, it was not even going to go on for one year, there was months in it. I didn’t care if I was stressed or busy, this was just something that we all had to give a push for, and have to give it 150%. For his sake and ours”

Nuala’s account of her time spent with her father was extremely special, and it gives a huge insight into what an empathetic and caring daughter she is. She believed that trying to live in the present was imperative for her dad’s morale when he was struggling with the illness. After a lot of time spent in St Vincent’s Hospital, Maurice was transferred to spend his last couple of days in Blackrock Hospice before slipping away extremely peacefully. Nuala was a genuinely terrific guest on this week’s podcast and her love and compassion is so evident in every second of her conversation with Sasha and Venetia. 

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To celebrate Pride week and Ireland’s rich LGBTQ history, we wanted to dedicate this weeks podcast into looking at a particular moment of time that sadly took the lives of so many of the country’s queer citizens.

Ireland’s first AIDS case was diagnosed in 1982, and the mass hysteria and misinformation that was spread during this period ,caused damage that is still prevalent within the community to this day. Tonie Walsh otherwise known as The Godfather Of Gay, lived through 80’s and 90’s in Ireland and London, where he saw over 40 of his friends and lovers perish from the disease.

As a one of Ireland’s most prominent LGBTQ Activists, Founder of The Irish Queer Archive & Gay Community News, Tonie has dedicated a huge portion of his life documenting and preserving the memories and stories of Ireland’s queer community. In this week’s episode he does an extraordinary job of sketching out how devastating and scary of a period this was for some of Ireland’s most marginalised groups.

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In this week’s episode of the podcast Sasha and Venetia meet the incredibly talented writer, radio presenter and podcaster Emily Dean who speaks about “starting again” after a series of painful losses, all accounted beautifully in her new memoir Everybody Died, So I Got a Dog. The books jarring title is completely indicative to the tone of the conversation, as Emily refuses to speak gently about the painful realities of grief. Now, she is the only survivor of her immediate family and in her interview with Sasha and Venetia, she speaks in great detail of how this strange reality came to be. The Dean’s are a genuinely extraordinary family.

Her Dad was a famous TV personality and her mother an actress. Her relationship with both of them throughout the years was turbulent at times. “It was a peripatetic, slightly unstable childhood. Lot’s of bohemian artists, who were great fun to be around, but if you wan’t fish fingers on the table at 5pm, they’re not your people.” In contrast to this, Emily’s relationship with her sister Rachael meant more than anything in the world to her “I called my sister my lighthouse, she was home.”

Emily’s whole world turned completely on its head in December 2011. Rachael suddenly became very ill, and passed away less than a month later from an aggressive form of cancer. In 2014, her mother was diagnosed with MND, passing away a year later, shortly followed by the death of her father a few months later. Within three short years she was completely on her own. “There’s something about the family you have grown up, in whatever form that takes, that defines you. It is who you are. “ I had moments where I would go to ring my sister, with something funny, or if I had passed somewhere. And then you’d get this sinking feeling of I’ve got no one to tell, no one understands this”

Emily is a fascinating character, and an incredibly smart and intelligent woman who’s absolute love for her sister is still incredibly evident eight years on from her loss. Her conversation sparked many tears, huge moments of laughter, and that was within the first 10 minutes alone.

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At 7.15am on Thursday, December 22, 2016, John Fitzsimons had to do the most difficult thing he has ever done, tell his beautiful two children Jack and Ella that their mum Grainne had died the night before, having battled Cancer for a long time.

“I sat down with her, and her brother came in and I just basically told them that their mum had passed away the day before. I was expecting all sorts of tears and tantrums but they were fine, and they were fine because I had kept them in the loop. I was incredibly well advised over the last couple of months about how to do that, and they took it in their stride. I remember saying to them, you can have a day off school today”

In this week’s podcast, he joins Venetia in studio to talk about the incredibly painful commonality that they share, the experience of telling their kids a parent had died. Is there a correct way to do it? From John’s own experience, Yes. Which is to be completely direct with your children about what has happened, an extraordinarily difficult thing to do for any recently bereaved parent.

 John speaks about the special relationship that has been created with his kids since Grainne’s death, as he attempts to fill maternal and paternal roles in many aspects of the kids' lives.  “Like doing her hair and stuff like that  in the morning, I get to do these things that 95% of father don’t get to do, so I am very conscious there is a very strong bond between us now".

Both Venetia and John have experienced their own kids being incredibly resilient since their loss, but do question whether the younger ones have the ability to process their own grief at this moment in time. In an extremely frank discussion, they also discuss the often difficult realities of young widowhood. The loneliness, the need for a laugh, a companion and why Mondays are the new Friday’s.

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Sickness and death brings with it a broad range of emotions, and one that is often overlooked is humour.  Gearoid Farrelly is an Irish comic who has toured with the likes of Joan Rivers, Sarah Millican and a host more of stand-up legends, since breaking on to the Irish scene over 10 years ago. Today he shared his own story about his beautiful friendship with Anne Marie Buckley, who passed away on the 1st of March 2018.

Gearoid moved into an apartment 10 years ago, and after a series of unscheduled and at times unwanted call-ins from his new neighbour, he soon realised that she was actually in the market for a neighbourhood pal, as opposed to a cup of sugar or lend of tea bags.  Soon Gearoid, Anne and his partner became really close friends - “a troika” as he described , as they would meet up at least 2 / 3 times a week for breakfast, coffee, dinners. A beautiful, normal friendship.

Gearoid’s chat with Sasha and Venetia in this week’s podcast is descriptive, emotive , sad and of course funny. As a stand up comedian, he speaks about the complexities of trying to make others laugh, while he was going through his own personal and self described hell, as Anne fell sick. He also talks to Sasha and Venetia about the importance and need for a release of humour, particularly when things feel completely full of darkness during an illness and after a loss.

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This week’s guest is the founder of an incredible charity and resource for the bereaved, called The Good Grief Trust, which is pioneering the way that The UK approach grief support and resources. Lind Magistris first met her partner Graham when she played Susi in the BBC Series, Grange Hill. Graham was one of the series directors and 30 years later, purely by accident, Linda crossed paths with him once again. The pair enjoyed a loving and romantic relationship that lasted 8 years, but sadly Graham was diagnosed with a rare soft tissue sarcoma, an aggressive form of cancer, and he died five and a half months later.

The grief that ensued changed Linda’s whole world. After Graham’s death she went in search for grief support through the suggested and usual avenues such as her GP. She was shocked by the sheer lack of information regarding what resources were available to her, particularly a time she needed it most. Linda began to realise that there are huge gaps in bereavement support in the UK and so began her quest to make significant improvements in the way grief is managed in Britain.

The situation Linda witnessed was, that often the content and quality of the information provided to relatives by hospitals, hospices, GP's, Police, Funeral Directors, Registrars, Care Homes & Clergy is sporadic and generally depended on who is dealing with the death and where in the UK they lived.  She founded The Good Grief Trust in September 2016, which strives to bring all bereavement services together around the country, ensure that everyone receives the support they need to move forward with their lives.

There are outstanding many charities and organisations offering excellent support for those who have lost someone close all around the UK, but they are just not being easily found. Equally many organisations are not providing sufficient information, guidance and advice, with some offering no support at all, so many thousands of people are falling through the cracks. The Good Grief Trust brings this information altogether in one practical and easy to use website, also segmenting the information in an incredibly practical way.

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Whether a death is anticipated, or happens all of a sudden, the amount of preparation involved in organising the subsequent funeral can be shocking and overwhelming to someone close to the deceased.

Having been in that position themselves, Sasha and Venetia have wanted to dedicate at least One episode of Grief Encounters towards looking into many of the practical ways that people can prepare for this. A Beginners Guide To Funerals, and as completely morbid as that sounds, every single person involved in the production of this particular episode left the studio agreeing that it was one of our most entertaining, engaging and insightful conversations to date!

As it happens, funerals and the funeral industry are rapidly changing and the various ways and rituals that we use to honour and remember the dead are far more personalised then what we might normally be used to. Sasha and Venetia were delighted to be joined in-studio by Gus Nichols of Nichols Funeral Director’s & Jonathan Stafford of Staffords Funeral Homes. Both third and sixth generation Funeral Directors, our guests this week were able to give a genuinely incredible and at times hilarious insight into what is involved in arranging funerals others, the role you should have in organising your own and how things have changed so rapidly in recent years. This was such an entertaining conversation, and the guys in-depth knowledge of the history and tradition of their industry is so prevalent from start to finish.  

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