Grief Encounters

The ever changing landscape of how we grieve, is something that has been continuously discussed on the podcast. The internet and social media have had a huge role in creating new ways to remember someone who has passed away over the past 15 years. These relatively new avenues of expression have many benefits, but like all things online - there are still a huge amount of pitfalls that come with using Facebook or Twitter as a place to cherish the memory of a parent, friend, sibling or child.

This week’s guest on the podcast is hoping to change this landscape, by creating a custom built space to help the bereaved commemorate their loved ones. Jess Dornan Lynas lost her Mum, Lorna, to pancreatic cancer when she was just 19 years old. She has spent the 20 years since, yearning for a means to remember her mum better and ways to really celebrate her life. When able, Jess visits Lorna's grave with her children.

It is a nostalgic and cathartic experience for them all. But it struck Jess whilst looking at her Mum's headstone, which reads 1948-1998 that it is the dash between those dates which barely hints at her amazing life and all its stories. Jess has realised that this is all part of the grieving process which is ongoing throughout one's life.

This remembering and celebrating life is incredibly important and can offer real catharsis. She speaks to Sasha and Venetia on how Afterbook was conceived, to digital assist this process. Motherhood is also a huge talking-point during this episode, as Jess speaks about the emotional impact her mother's absence has taken, one her own experience in raising her children without their grandmother to share in the memories.

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Music by: Nctrnm

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On this week’s podcast Sasha (Venetia will be back next week)  got the opportunity to speak to the psychotherapist, writer, and grief advocate Megan Devine.

Megan’s career as a therapist was mainly based around working with people with substance addiction. It wasn’t until a summer day in 2009 that grief would become a firm fixture in her life, as her partner Matt drowned in a devastating accident, just three months from his fortieth birthday. In Megan’s own words “It was random, unexpected, and it tore my world apart.”

In the years since Matt’s death Megan has gone on to found Refuge in Grief, a grief support resource and online community which serves both grieving people and those looking to better support grieving people free online resources, and professional training. Megan is perhaps best known for her 2017 book It's OK That You're Not OK, which is widely seen as one of the staples of Grief Literature.

Since beginning the podcast, and the initial planning phases back in October, Sasha had flagged Megan as the one guest that she wanted to speak to above anyone else, because of the impact Megan’s book had on her while grieving for her mom. Megan was so honest, thoughtful and at times absolutely hilarious with her words throughout this interview, and we really think everyone will enjoy this episode a lot.

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Music by: Nctrnm

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This week’s guest has lived most of her life with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), a serious mental disorder marked by a pattern of on-going instability in mood, behaviour, self-image and functioning. BPD is also associated with severe functional impairment and high rates of suicide. Nikki Hayes should have been diagnosed aged fifteen the first time she came in contact with the mental health services with anorexia, or aged nineteen, after an attempted suicide; or aged twenty-eight following a breakdown after her father’s death.

On this week’s podcast she speaks to Sasha and Venetia about her experience of balancing a mental illness in the midst of a difficult bereavement, and how she still is overcoming the death of her father - her closest friend.  Sasha and Venetia also look at some of the strange intricacies surrounding death in Ireland on a cultural level, particularly in relation to masking your grief and why that can often be seen as a sign of strength. They ask the question; “What if I was myself, and told you that I was not okay ?”

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Music by: Nctrnm

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The relationship between art and loss is something that has featured in many of the first 20 episodes of Grief Encounters that have now been published. Whether it is through music, poetry or literature, there is something particular about the theme of grief, that translates so fluently into these creative forms.

This week's guest is broadcaster turned author Sinead Gleeson, who’s new book Constellations - Reflections From Life looks at many things including parenthood, friendship, sickness and grief. Sinead has a huge amount of experience in interviewing the world's best authors and writers through her RTE radio show, and work with some of the many literary festivals around the country. Sitting on the other side of the microphone, Sinead was no different. Funny, kind expressive and articulate are just a number of words to describe her conversation with Sasha and Venetia, marking the 20th episode of the podcast perfectly.

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In this week’s episode Sasha and Venetia speak to mother and campaigner Lauren LaFave, who’s son Breck was murdered in a vicious attack after being targeted by online predator Lewis Danes for over a year. Lorin has spent much of the five years since Breck’s death campaigning and spreading awareness around the prevalence of online grooming, and ways for parents and kids to notice any potential warning signs, launching The Breck Foundation in his name. 

Breck had a huge interest in gaming, having started playing Minecraft in his early teens. He was invited into an online gaming group by school friends, which is where Breck and his would-be attacker Lewis Dane’s first came in contact. Dane’s owned the server that they played on, and established himself as the ringleader of the group regaling Breck and other younger players with fantastical lies about working for the US government and being a self-made millionaire.

Lorin first became suspicious of Breck and Dane’s online friendship after overhearing his much deeper voice within their computer gaming circle, fearing a sexual motive initially. She went to the police her concerns, who despite saying they would file a report, never fully investigated her Lorin's fears. Following an arranged parents meeting, Breck and his friends were forbidden from speaking to Danes, but sadly he opted to continue the conversation in secrecy via a prepaid smartphone Danes had purchased to keep the contact going.

On the 17th of February 2014 at 8am, 18 year old Danes lured Breck to his flat to play video games, by ordering a pre-paid taxi to collect him from his father's house. Having told his father that he would be staying overnight at a friend's house, the alarm was raised the following day when Breck failed to return home.

Lorin spoke to Sasha and Venetia about guilt: “You do feel immensely guilty, especially because I knew. I just didn’t know what to do, and that’s why I think I have this drive to share Breck’s story, because if I had heard me speaking, if I had been listening to this podcast and my son was being groomed, I would act in a different way than I had”

Lorin and her family have been subjected to masses of online abuse from Lewis Dane’s and his family in recent months. Breck’s 17-year-old sister Chloe has received texts saying “shame Breck is dead, he was sexy," "if he was alive I'd be all over him" and she was even sent a picture of a skeleton with the caption "RIP Breck". Social media app Snapchat and Police are not doing enough to tackle online abuse. “The school drove her to the Police Station , we all met there and made the report. And then it felt like nothing happened, because police and snapchat weren’t collaborating and they kind of blame each other”. “Snapchat won’t hand over the details because it is a US based company and it has to go through 12 - 18 months of this process that involves a treaty. It’s ridiculous”

Venetia Quick talks about how the conversation with Lorin lead her to immediately consider her own children’s internet usage. “Literally the first thing I did after arriving home from our chat with Lorin, was speak to my eldest son Felix about some of the many warning signs that Lorin had described. I feel this interview will make any parent rethink their children’s safety when using the web, and after hearing Lorin’s story I would encourage anyone who is concerned with something to follow their parental instinct ”

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Music by: Nctrnm

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Jess O’Neill is a writer and mother from Carlow, who has been documenting her family's life on her blog My Moo And Roo since 2017. In an incredibly brave an open interview, she chatted with Sasha and Venetia about miscarraige, and what can be done to open the conversation around a virtually unspoken subject. Jess became pregnant just before Christmas, and her and her partner Matt were delighted with the incredible news.  They had planned to have 3 kids under 5, when starting off their family, and they announced that baby number 3 was on the way in early January, to everyone's delight.

Sadly Jess is representative of the well publicised statistic that 1 in 4 pregnancies will end in miscaraige, having realised something was wrong in February.  For something that is such a common occurrence, why is the conversation rarely had between friends, family and even in detail by medical professionals, which was the case for her and Matt. In the interview she speaks about anger and guilt , as well as trying to balance the difficult act of motherhood itself while stuck in the middle of her own grief - something that she speaks about in her latest blog post: Being ‘Mammy’ While Grieving

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I’ve been thinking about this for a while now, trying to find the right way to explain it.

When you have kids and you go through a loss, in my case miscarriage, it’s hard to grieve. You’re not in the position to curl up and stay in bed for weeks, even though that’s what you want to do. You still have to get up and feed the kids, dress them, bring them to playschool, mind them. I’m so irritable these past few weeks and I know the kids are picking up on it. There are days I really feel ‘I can’t do this today’. The days I’m overwhelmed by grief, when I can’t quite seem to catch my breath. You can’t, as much as you’d like to, lie down and cry. You realise the world keeps spinning and as much as you want off, you have responsibilities.

I find when I’m in the car driving and I get lost in my thoughts or a song comes on the radio, just as I’m welling up and about to go off the deep end into a good cry, Max pipes up from behind me and says something or does something funny and it stops me in my tracks, makes me smile and laugh. The tears retreat and I’m left wanting. It’s like someone interrupting your sneeze. That unsatisfied feeling.

It’s a stop start grieving process and I’m finding that hard. It’s frustrating. By the time the day is done, I’m so used to being stopped in my tracks, I can’t cry. Or I’ve learned to switch off the emotions, because the constant stop starting is painful. It’s like I’ve to schedule my grief, and in a perfect world, that would be ok. But I don’t live in perfect world, none of us do. Grief comes when you least expect it and if in that moment, you can’t grieve, when do you?

I have to get up and “mammy”. I have two wonderful, albeit cheeky rugrats, to look after. They really do keep me on my toes and I am shattered by the time bedtime rolls around. And by that time, I’m half asleep on the couch. To a degree I’m delighted I don’t have the time to grieve because who wants to feel like that? I am scared though, that time will pass and I’ll realise I’m not dealing with our loss, not fully processing it, because I “don’t have the time”. It’s such a 21st century statement – “I don’t have time to grieve”.

It was Mother’s Day last weekend and I found myself incredibly emotional. We would have been just over 17 weeks pregnant with our baby. 5 weeks has passed and I honestly feel like it’s only hitting me now. Robyn’s broken leg has hit me hard and in ways I feel like I’m right back at square one. Being in a hospital room on Mother’s Day wasn’t what I’d imagined. I received mother’s day cards from two of my children, and I can’t shake the fact that ‘bump’ wasn’t signed on the card (something that has been done for me since becoming pregnant).

So if you’re struggling or like me, you wished that...

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Our guest this week is a journalist and podcaster who has been campaigning to break the stigma around drug addiction in Ireland, since the death of her brother Matthew in 2016. Niamh O’Donoghue joins Sasha and Venetia to speak about how complex the grief can be when it is as a result of addiction troubles. Niamh’s honest account of her family's troubles in dealing with his addiction both before and after Matthews loss are incredibly powerful to hear. In the interview she speaks about Matthews often misunderstood interior, the devastating reason that lead to his addiction and what damage public stereotypes and language can play in how we treat the country's drug problem.

You can hear her documentary The Gospel According To Matthew here:

https://soundcloud.com/user-973622386/the-gospel-according-to-matthew

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A place for support, compassion and empathy for those grieving

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Music by: Nctrnm

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On this week’s episode of Grief Encounters, Sasha and Venetia speak to DJ and Radio Presenter Andy Preston. His voice will be familiar to many, as it accompanies Dublin offices and homes throughout the workday, but Andy’s backstory is one that is largely untold.

Sadly death and grief has played a large role in Andy’s life from an early age, and is something that has accompanied him closely, for many years. Andy is the sole remaining member of his birth family, and has also suffered the loss of a best friend; fellow radio companion Tony Dixon.

He first experienced loss when his sister Elaine died from an undiagnosed lung condition when Andy was 18 years old. This loss affected Andy on many levels, and in the interview he discusses with Sasha and Venetia how the loss turned him into an extremely angry young man.

The conversation looks a lot at how Andy managed to learn something in grief, and cary that through to other stages in his life. In the case of his sister's death, this anger was able to evolve into Andy becoming a more mindful and considered person going forward into adulthood and beyond. Andy’s personal journey in grief is one filled with many highs and lows, and honest account of his own shortcomings and failures is what makes this such an interesting listen.

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Music by: Nctrnm

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Suicide is the leading cause of death for young people, both in Ireland and worldwide. When hearing figures such as that, it is not surprising that we have received a huge amount of interest and requests to cover this topic in detail.  It really is something that affects most people around the country in some shape or form.

Our guest this week is  Karen Docherty from Dublin. Her two boys Stephen, 30, and 22-year-old Graham Murray took their own lives within three years of each other, something she never thought would have happened to her family. Their story is complex and deeply moving.

Stephen her oldest son struggled with addiction all of his adult life.  During the discussion Karen speaks about the mental anguish drug abuse played on their family life over this period. “We always thought it was addiction that would take his life”. The grief that comes with suicide is often ladened with guilt, which Karen speaks about in great detail. She says this guilt stuck with Graham and ultimately played a role in his decision to als take his own life three years later.

Advocacy and campaigning is not something that comes easy to people, particularly when you are stuck firmly in the middle of your grief. Karen’s selfless and brave efforts in campaigning for better mental health resources for younger people, make her story even more astonishing. The ripple effect of suicide is something that is spoken about early on in the interview, but the positive ripple effect Karen’s campaigning work will have on families and individuals around the country cannot be understated.

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Music by: Nctrnm

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Stephen Teap’s life changed forever in July 2017, as he lost his wife Irene to cervical cancer. Their story - which is known to many across Ireland, is made more difficult to digest because it could, and should have been prevented. After two false negative smear tests in 2010 and 2013, Irene was diagnosed with stage two cancer in 2015  and died two years later at the age of 35, leaving behind their boys Oscar and Noah.

In the wake of Irene's death, Stephen has been catapulted into the public eye as his search for answers and accountability continues. Much of his life is now dedicated to advocacy around the Cervical Check Scandal, as he looks for safeguards to prevent this devastation from hitting  other families in future. He is one of the founders (alongside Vicky Phelan & Lorraine Walsh) of 221+, a support service for patients and families affected by scandal.

In the interview, Stephen speaks in detail about Irene’s inner strength throughout the whole process, as she vowed to not let the cancer take control of her life.

Like many of our guests on the podcast, Stephen has managed to channel his inner grief into something constructive such as his advocacy work. He spoke to Sasha & Venetia about how 10 years down the line, when Oscar and Noah are old enough to process their mums death and the tragic nature of it, he needs to be able to say that he went looking for answers.

221+ was set up in July 2018 following the significant revelations related to the CervicalCheck screening programme and the subsequent ongoing controversy.

The 221+ Group’s Steering Committee comprises  a number of patient representatives directly affected by the scandal (Vicky Phelan, Stephen Teap and Lorraine Walsh) and by a number of patient groups (the Marie Keating Foundation, the Irish Cancer Society and the Irish Patient Association), with a view to providing structured support and services for these women and their families.

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Music by: Nctrnm

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