horizontal with lila

Hello my horizontal lover. horizontal is the podcast about sex, love, and relationships of all kinds, recorded while lying down.

This is Season 4, my Season of Experiments. I'll be playing with form in all sorts of ways: with coaching sessions and mash-ups and crossovers, happenings and themes and advice sessions, horizontality in unexpected places, and other intimate surprises.

In the first four episodes of this season, I (virtually) lie down with Lemarc Thomas, global matchmaker, relationship expert, sweetheart, psychology-versed purveyor of kindness, native St. Helenian, marriage equality advocate, husband to Michael, and, as he has been dubbed by The Telegraph, "the gentle but determined Cupid."

Our first two episodes are available in all the podcast places for all my horizontalists. Parts three and four will be available exclusively to patrons of the horizontal arts.

Become a patron for access to The Full Horizontal by navigating directly to patreon.com/horizontalwithlila !

In our first part, episode 112. broken a few hearts, Lemarc interviewed me as if I were his newest matchmaking client. It's a particularly revealing and tender episode for me, as I disclose my visions for a romantic relationship, struggles with belief & sexual attraction, past experiences with some of the men I've hurt, and some who've hurt me, my pattern of choosing unavailable men to love, fear of feeling suffocated, whether I've experienced emotional and sexual attraction at the same time, what I love about being me, and what I imagine my future partner will love about being with me.

You could use episode 112 to Think Like Your Own Matchmaker, and get closer to envisioning the core of your heart's desire. Check the show notes on horizontalwithlila.com for the series of questions Lemarc asked me, and perhaps try journaling on them, or getting together with a beloved friend to ask them of each other. If you do so with a friend, I suggest you record it, so you can listen back and see: am I exploring love in accordance with my values.

This is the second episode of my four-part arc with Lemarc. Our experiment is my very first themed episode. I interview Lemarc all about matchmaking. We discuss:

* the differences between traditional matchmaking and Lemarc's modern take on the industry

* his 4-step process

* love coaching vs. therapy

* being our full rainbow & sharing our crazy

* how to not to date like a teenager

* non-negotiables & deal-breakers

* cultivating communities that will hold the love that we meet

* The Matchmaking Experiment

* becoming a matchmaker

* how Lemarc keeps his vast network in mind, &

* his signature love advice.

This episode was mixed and mastered by Irving Gadhoury, IGrecording.com on the interwebz. My cover art was illustrated by Shana Shay, whom you can find on 99designs. This remix of my original intro music was created by kidmental, an acapella beatbox musician, and a Black creator you can support right now.

If you'd like one-on-one guidance from me on your intimate struggles, I now offer Personal Intimacy Roadmap Sessions. They are 60-minute sessions of sex-positive, judgement-free, kink-aware, LGBTQ+ celebratory, gender-affirming support for what ails you in the realm of sex, love, & relationships of any kind. A session includes exercises, techniques, recommendations, homework, & a tailored roadmap of resources to use as you navigate the terrain of your intimacy challenge. One happy client said, "I've had a lot of therapy. But you give advice a therapist cannot give!"

To schedule, email [email protected], and I'll send you my welcome form, so I can best prepare for you. If you desire ongoing support of your intimate growth, become a patron of the horizontal arts at the $100/month level and receive a 30-minute coaching session every month! To peruse all the patron tiers and sign up, navigate directly to Patreon.com/horizontalwithlila, and thank you for being a part of making the world a more intimate place.

In next week's patrons-only episode with Lemarc, we explore his childhood as a effeminate boy growing up on one of the most remote inhabited islands in the world, belonging and outsiderness, chameleon-like behavior, and codependency.

Come lie down with us in Uluwatu, Bali, Indonesia & Stockholm, Sweden.

Hello my horizontal lover. horizontal is the podcast about sex, love, and relationships of all kinds, recorded while lying down.

This is the kickoff of Season 4, my Season of Experiments. I'll be playing with form in all sorts of ways: with coaching sessions and mash-ups and crossovers, happenings and themes and advice sessions, horizontality in unexpected places, and other intimate surprises.

In all my visions for Season 4, I never considered recording virtually as one of the experiments, let alone the central experiment. But the world changed.

I never wanted to record virtually. I was, in fact, entirely adamant about recording in person, right next to my guest, sharing a pillow, shoulder-to-shoulder, wearing robes. That's how it went. I felt the vibe depended on it. The depth. The felt intimacy translated from our proximal bodies, through the magic of the recorded sound waves, and into you. I thought the only way you would truly feel as if you were lying down next to us was if we were, in fact, literally lying down next to one another.

But then the world changed. And in this world, recording in person becomes… less of an option. In this world, our intimate struggles have only intensified.

I've started giving Free Love Advice on Instagram, and offering Intimacy Roadmap Sessions on Zoom — 60-minute coaching sessions with a takeaway plan.

Our need for nourishing connection remains central to our wellbeing— the difference is: now, pretty much everyone is aware of that. Therein lies the paradox for us to manage, as Esther Perel says. We are more aware than ever that we require intimacy, and Covid times make it exponentially harder to meet those needs.

The struggles people bring to me are so often about distance now. We ask: when will it be okay to hug our friends again? Go to a party? Dance with strangers? Do anything at all in a crowded room? How can we connect across distance? Have sex at a distance? Cultivate intimacy despite distance? Feel nourished by the kinds of intimacy available to us at a distance? How can we date responsibly, in a way that feels real? I grapple with questions like these daily, in parallel to you.

It feels like a test of my superpowers, in a way. But, perhaps this is just the sort of thing I've been preparing for. I have a toolbox full of ways to connect, that I've been honing for most of my life, and my mission holds steady: To make the world a more intimate place. One episode, one conversation, one essay, one video, one session, one workshop, one course, one talk at a time.

So here is my current pursuit: How can I weave the kind of empathetic cocoon that I cultivate in person in bed, with someone who is horizontal across the world?

I have so many opportunities to find out! Once I embraced the idea of recording remotely, and grappled with the technical learning curve, I became enlivened by the possibilities. I could potentially lie down with anyone on the planet!

In the first four episodes of Season 4, I virtually lie down with Lemarc Thomas, global matchmaker, relationship expert, sweetheart, psychology-versed purveyor of kindness, native St. Helenian, marriage equality advocate, husband to Michael, and, as he has been dubbed by The Telegraph, "the gentle but determined Cupid."

Our first two episodes will be available in all the podcast places for all the horizontalists. The second two (in which we explore Lemarc's childhood as an effeminate boy growing up on a very small island, belonging, and his landmark marriage to his Swedish husband Michael) will be available exclusively to my patrons of the horizontal arts.

Become a patron for access to The Full Horizontal by navigating directly to patreon.com/horizontalwithlila

In this, my first horizontal experiment with Lemarc, he interviews me as though I were his newest matchmaking client. (Full disclosure: I am the only horizontal one for this episode. Lemarc is in consulting mode, seated in his office in Sweden and I am, in a way, on the matchmaker's couch, across the world in Bali. And just in case you were concerned, Lemarc does get horizontal with me in our upcoming episodes.)

In this episode, I reveal myself deeply. I share my visions for a romantic relationship, my struggles with belief & sexual attraction, some of the men I've hurt, and some who've hurt me, my pattern of choosing unavailable men, a fear of feeling suffocated, whether I've experienced emotional attraction and sexual attraction at the same time, and what I would need to feel free be all in. At the end of the session, Lemarc asks me what I love about being me, and what I believe my future partner will love about being with me.

If you'd like one-on-one guidance from me on your intimate struggles, I now offer Personal Intimacy Roadmap Sessions. They are 60-minute sessions of sex-positive, judgement-free, kink-aware, LGBTQ+ celebratory, gender-affirming support for what ails you in the realm of sex, love, & relationships of any kind. A session includes exercises, techniques, recommendations, homework, & a tailored roadmap of resources to use as you navigate the terrain of your intimacy challenge. One happy client said, "I've had a lot of therapy. But you give advice a therapist cannot give!"

To schedule, email [email protected], and I'll send you my welcome form, so I can best prepare for you. If you desire ongoing support of your intimate growth, become a patron of the horizontal arts at the $100/month level and receive a 30-minute coaching session every month! To peruse all the patron tiers and sign up, navigate directly to Patreon.com/horizontalwithlila, and thank you for being a part of making the world a more intimate place.

Next week, in part two of our four-part arc, I interview Lemarc. Our second experiment is my very first themed episode. The topic? Matchmaking. I have so many questions!

Thank you for listening to this experiment. Thank you for getting horizontal.

And now, come lie down with me for one of the most vulnerable episodes I've ever recorded, in Uluwatu, Bali, Indonesia & Stockholm, Sweden.

Hello horizontal lovers. horizontal is the podcast about sex, love, & relationships of all kinds that's recorded while lying down, wearing robes. A typical recording is long and languorous, and lasts between three and five hours. When I release it, I divide it into two parts (if we recorded for three hours) and four parts (if we recorded for five). The first half of the conversation is available in all the podcast places, and the second is available exclusively to patrons of the horizontal arts. For access to The Full Horizontal, and to be a part of eradicating shame, diminishing loneliness, & alchemizing human connection, become a $7+ patron of the horizontal arts by navigating directly to patreon.com/horizontalwithlila At the end of each longform conversation, I ask my guest to tell me a story, and the story marks the conclusion of our patron episode together. It can be any personal story that falls under the broad umbrella of intimacy — sex, love, or relationships of any kind. I've had stories of being carried down a mountaintop by a hunky guide (episode 10 with Elaine), watching your wife have a miscarriage, giving your father's body to science (episode 92 with Dr. Alexandra Solomon), a friend breakup, and a particularly epic tale about the Cretan Resistance, thievery, journeying, and a real human skull (episode 31 with Matthew Stillman). One of those stories on its own is a horizontal quickie. My live event, the horizontal storytelling pajama party, is an eveningful of quickies. I get horizontal with my guest just like we do when we record a full episode, wearing robes, sharing a pillow, microphone above us, gazing upward as though stargazing, or post-coital, or whispering into the wee hours of a really good sleepover. At horizontal storytelling, there's a whole audience getting horizontal with us in their pajamas. When I ask my guest to choose this story, I tell them that it can have any kind of tone or outcome, as long as it's a story that they truly desire to tell me — because if they have the impulse to tell it, and especially if they're also a bit trepidatious to do so, it will be the right one: a narrative that others need to hear. This quickie was recorded live in June 2019 at horizontal storytelling: the summer pride edition. We donned rainbow pajamas, noshed on milk and cookies, and curled up together, all 50 of us, to listen to five storytellers from across the LGBTQIA+ community. In this quickie, I lie down with Christopher Burris. Christopher Burris is an actor, director and visionary creative from Asheville, North Carolina. He's the Director of the Afrofuturistic Queer Sci-Fi Funk musical BRING THE BEAT BACK, by Derek Lee McPhatter. I first met Chris when he directed a reading of "America's Favorite Pasttime," by Dennis A. Allen II, in which I got to play one of my favorite roles of all time, a Dominatrix mother, in a story with complicated issues of race and sex and transaction and correctness and parenthood. The first day I showed up for rehearsal, the guy playing the young white friend of the young black male lead wasn't there yet, and Chris read the part. CHRIS IS A GENIUS. He read that part (the part of a white kid who uses hip-hop slang and the n-word in casual conversation), better than any of the white guys who I saw read that part. He was Hysterical. I basically barely stopped laughing for long enough to read my own part. So not only he is a generous, warm, thoughtful, space-holding director, but his talents as an actor and a mimic can't help but infuse the room with a robust sense of someone who understands the theatre deeply — like a dancer, a partner dancer, who knows both how to lead and how to follow. Any chance I get to work with him, I jump — I LEAP to it, because I know it will confront me with the complexities of being human. And I know that in the rehearsal room, there will be laughter. So much laughter. Christopher is also a patron of the podcast, and when I found out that he became a patron on Patreon, I wrote him this: Dearest Chris. From one artist to another. You have my deepest thanks for your patronage of my work. I am moved to tears by your belief in me. Thank you thank you thank you. You can find Christopher Burris on Twitter @misterburris. In this episode, Christopher tells us a story about driving while Black, his best friend Satchmo, a Sponge Bob car, contact lenses, relationshipping, & really, really seeing. Come lie down with us in Bushwick, Brooklyn, for a story Christopher titled, "Black Men Can't Drive." ***

This episode was mixed and mastered by Irving Gadhoury, IGrecording.com on the interwebz. My cover art was illustrated by Shana Shay, whom you can find on 99designs. This remix of my original intro music was created by kidmental, an acapella beatbox musician, and a Black creator you can support right now. Get a theme song of your very own by hiring him on Fiverr (recommended!) or becoming his patron on patreon.com/kidmental

Hello horizontal lovers.

horizontal is consensual eavesdropping on conversations about intimacy of all kinds, recorded while lying down, wearing robes.

In this and the following episode, I lie down with Kai Mata, Indonesia's rainbow-toting, openly LGBTQ+ singer-songwriter. She is a thoughtful rock star, an articulate activist, a love advocate, an outspoken woman with a bamboo guitar living a love life of liberation in a country that expects its women to be neither outspoken nor liberated. I love her. And her meter-long hair.

Kai wears maroon and black almost exclusively, right down to her motorbike helmet. She displays or wears a rainbow flag at every single show, at every single gig, and she will continue to do so until all of her people are free to love who they love.

She battles internet trolls, social media harassment, hate messages, homophobia, discrimination, and erasure by her culture of origin on a daily basis. She is publicly out in a country that persecutes its LGBTQ+ citizens. She is out for all of her fellow Indonesians who cannot be yet, in the hopes of a new era in which they all can feel safe to be.

By the way, she's 22 years-old.

I first encountered Kai through a Facebook post she made, raising awareness of the persecution of anybody with a queer identity in Indonesia, and the government's attempt to slip their discrimination into law.

These are Kai's words, posted on February 21st, 2020:

I need your help.

Indonesia is trying to label all LGBTQ+ people as deviants dangerous to society, legally requiring us to go to conversion therapy.

I am one of the only publicly LGBTQ+ Indonesian Women🏳‍🌈🇮🇩. Why are there so few of us?

Because my beautiful country has created a society and laws that ostracize and discriminate against my beautiful rainbow community🥺.

This flaming heart breaks with the new "Family Resilience Bill" draft in Indonesia. I am truly in tears.

This new bill would define any LGBTQ+ Member as a sexual deviant. It would require mandatory reporting to the government of anyone suspected to be LGBTQ+.

Those who are reported would then be forced into conversion therapy to be "treated."

This draft is supported by four major political parties in Indonesia, who claim gays interfere with the future of humanity. It pains me knowing they choose not to realize the humanity within those of us who might love someone of the same gender.

And so I sit in Indonesia, my homeland, with the thought of fleeing ringing in my mind, fearful for my livelihood and scared as to how Indonesia can be developing so quickly with its economy and middle class, yet degenerating with basic human rights.

What booms even louder than my fear: the recognition of the choice I have to stay, the advantage of an international support, and the privilege of a voice.

These laws, regardless if passed, are meant to silence us. And it's worked at keeping 99% of the LGBTQ+ Indonesians in the closet, frightened by not just legal implications, but the social suicide of coming out and being viewed as the shame of the family. Had I been born in a different situation, I'd be in the closet too.

And thus, I am rooted in my country with a clear message.

I am Indonesian🇮🇩. I am LGBTQ+🏳‍🌈.

And I am proud of both. They can threaten me and tell me I deserve to die. They can put me in conversion therapy or put me in jail. Nothing will change the fact I am Indonesian and I am flaming gay.

If you're reading all the way down here, thank you for listening. I encourage you to please share this message to your friends, family, and anyone you know, especially those traveling to Indonesia. This isn't a solo project. We need a choir of voices singing this message.

Update: please help by sharing (spreads the message for we need the world to recognize what's going on), commenting (it shows support to all the Indonesians like myself who are feeling scared and isolated) and signing this petition: http://chng.it/nGVCh79W2J

That's the conclusion of Kai's post from February 2020. This quote "Family Resilience" Bill would require families to turn in their non-heterosexual members for conversion therapy. Let me say that one more time. It would require you to turn in your trans sister, your gay brother, your lesbian aunt, your bisexual daughter, your pansexual cousin — to be tortured by the government, in the name of families.

In this, the first part of our conversation, we talk about the persecution of Chinese Indonesians, Kai's California childhood, falling in love for the first time (and with a girl), coming out before she was ready, songwriting as emotional awareness, high school in Jakarta, a fateful spring break in Bali, public displays of affection in Indonesia, tourists & nudity in Bali, cultural sensitivity & admitting our privilege, modesty, menstruation, temples, & tampons, the illegality of sex toys, and the fact that our current sexual partners don't define our sexual orientation.

Each horizontal recording is between 3 and 5 hours long, and divided in two to four parts. My recording with Kai was around 3 hours long, so this episode, 109, the first part of our recording, is available in all the podcast places, and next week's episode, 110, the second part, will be available exclusively to patrons of the horizontal arts.

Patronage makes it possible for me to share these intimate conversations with the world. Patreon is like the Love Child of crowd-funding and a subscription service. Navigate directly to www.patreon.com/horizontalwithlila (you cannot search for horizontal on the Patreon site, because all adult creators are hidden on the website — letting us know just how far we still have to go), so click the link or type patreon.com/horizontalwithlila in your browser, and become a patron of the horizontal arts. Your patronage keeps horizontal independent and uncensored, as well as unlocking access to all the part twos, the secret patrons Facebook group, & intimacy tips videos like the Inner Mentor visualization.

Here are some of my commitments during this American Revolution, during Pride month, and beyond:

I commit to further amplifying the voices of people with marginalized identities — Black people, People of Color, people in the LGBTQ+ community, and more folx, whose voices are squelched, censored, under-represented, or unheard, in the United States and across the planet.

I commit to loving them fiercely and uplifting them in all the ways that I can.

I commit to showing this love personally, by caring for the beloveds I cherish.

I commit to showing this love at large, through anti-racist action that calls for justice in myriad ways, including, but not limited to—

• donating to anti-racist organizations
• donating directly to folx in need— such as through The Black Fairy Godmother Official's Instagram —
• using horizontal to express anti-racist and pro-Pride statements
• listening to and broadcasting the stories of Black people, Indigenous people, People of Color, and LGBTQ+ folx in all mediums
• listening to, reading, watching, and financially supporting work created by and starring marginalized folx
• participating in education on anti-racism, led by BIPOC, and LGBTQ+ folx
• continuing to unveil and excavate my own racism throughout my life.

This episode was mixed and mastered by Irving Gadhoury from IGrecording.com.

My cover art is by Shana Shay — find her on 99 designs.

This remix of my original intro music was created by the beatbox musician kidmental. I first came across kidmental when he remixed Ear Hustle's theme song. He is a self-contained orchestra. He is a Black creator you can support right now. Get a theme song of your very own by commissioning him on Fiverr, or become his patron on patreon.com/kidmental

If you have an LGBTQ+ friend living in an intolerant place, or among people who provide little support for their true identity, would you share this episode with them? They are not alone. People like Kai are fighting for their right to love who they love.

In next week's episode, the second part of my conversation with Kai Mata, we discuss Kai's ideal relationship, the Bali cacao ceremony, age discrepancies & the sexiness of power, the dream marriage tour, Indonesia's proposed "family resilience bill," how existing laws are currently used to target Indonesian queers, Kai's intolerance escape plan, turning her adversity into an advantage, & a story about the self-proclaimed greatest dancer in the world.

To listen to next week's episode, become a patron of the horizontal arts by navigating directly to patreon.com/horizontalwithlila

And to find out about all things horizontal, including upcoming workshops, my How to Connect course, and Intimacy Advice sessions, sign up for my email missives on horizontalwithlila.com.

Until next time: may you have someones to love, something to do, and something to look forward to. I'm looking forward to leading a workshop on 20 Emotional Release Techniques at the Virtual Intimacy Retreat July 10th - 12th!

Now, my horizontal lover, come lie down with us in Ubud, Bali, Indonesia.

In this episode, I lie down with myself.

I share:

* the WOC Podcasters solidarity statement

* my personal commitment to ongoing anti-racist action

* the names of a few of the many Black lives lost to police brutality, and:

* the story of that time I didn't talk about race (for 11 years) and how that is a textbook example of white fragility and privilege

***

I stand with my sisters from the WOC Podcasters Community, lead by Danielle Desir and crafted by change-maker Tangia Renee [TAN-gee]. These are Tangee's words. These are our words:

We are podcasters united to condemn the tragic murders of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, and many many others at the hands of police. This is a continuation of the systemic racism pervasive in our country since its inception and we are committed to standing against racism in all its forms.

We believe that to be silent is to be complicit.

We believe that Black lives matter.

We believe that Black lives are more important than property.

We believe that we have a responsibility to use our platforms to speak out against this injustice whenever and wherever we are witness to it.

In creating digital media we have built audiences that return week after week to hear our voices and we will use our voices to speak against anti-blackness and police brutality, and we encourage our audiences to be educated, engaged, and to take action.

***

Come lie down with me in Ubud, Bali, Indonesia.

Hello horizontal lovers.

horizontal with lila is Slow Radio.

Consensual eavesdropping.

Intimate talks about intimate topics recorded while lying down right next to each other, wearing robes.

This is part two of my four-episode arc with Eri Kardos Patel and Jaymin Patel, recorded in February 2020.

Eri & Jay are world travelers, long-time digital nomads, co-parents of two young children, and American expats in Bali. Eri is the author of the book Relationship Agreements, Jaymin the creator of The Integrated Father.

In part one, episode 104. good kids gone wild, Jay and I told our origin stories, and Eri began hers.

Jaymin's story involved a strict Indian family, sisters and aunties aplenty, bi-cultural identity, being a model Hindu and a very very very good boy, doing right by his parents, musical theatre, people-pleaser recovery, embracing his weird, Adlerian psych, and positive discipline.

Eri's involved 3 siblings, constant uprootings, dance, 5 or 6 baptisms, being a very very very good girl, backpacking across the world, youth hostel life, sex addiction worries & Christian counseling, one excellent Sugar Daddy, Seattle, sex-positivity, and her longtime open relating partner Adam.

In part two, we pick up with:

• Eri's sexy Seattle life
• BDSM as a highway to vulnerability
• the art of submission
• aftermath of a fight or regrettable incident
• being seen, heard, & loved
• reprogramming people's erotic lives
• open relating vs. open relationships
• and how the longtime nomad couple finally settled in Bali.

This conversation was recorded over the course of approximately 5 hours.

It's divided into four parts: the first two, episodes 104 & 105, are available in all the podcast places, and the last two: episodes 106 & 107, will be exclusive to patrons of the horizontal arts.

For access to The Full Horizontal, including 106, 107, and all the part twos (or in this case, threes and fours), become a patron of the horizontal arts!

Become a Patron!

This is my livelihood for the foreseeable future, so, to all of my current and future patrons:

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank for my subsistence.

And thank you for making the world a more intimate place.

Now come lie down with us again, in Ubud, Bali, Indonesia.

Hello horizontal lovers.

horizontal with lila is Slow Radio. Consensual eavesdropping. Intimacies of all kinds. It's us lying down right next to each other, wearing robes, sharing secrets, in your ears.

Welcome in, and welcome back! It's been a few months since my last episode — This winter, I got mired in a boggy swamp of depression, stared at the ceiling for a while, binge-watched a lot of dystopian TV, and then journeyed to Bali, Indonesia, to get my juju back.

It's back!

And... I suppose I live in Bali (for) now!

I've missed you. I've missed this.

It's a whole new world out there. And yet. I am more than ever convinced that we need to make private conversations public. I am more than ever convinced that interdependence is the word of the century. I am more than ever convinced that intimacy is the way.

Connection is my wheelhouse. And so, I renew my vows: to dispel shame, combat loneliness, and alchemize human connection.

Most of us are treading water. We might be back with families we haven't lived with since we were 17, or spending 24/7 with children we've never cared for full full-time, or quarantined with our romantic partner, absent any of our usual letting-off-steam rituals, like work or the gym or matcha with friends or anything literally anything besides constant togetherness.

Humans probably haven't related this month since agriculture was invented. But probably not even then. They had different tasks on the farm then. Homo sapiens probably haven't related this much since cave-dwelling times. But perhaps not even then. Somebody had to hunt or forage. Somebody left the dwelling-place for hours at a time.

Compressed in our domiciles by the undeniable force and magnitude of this virus, we might very well be relating more, as a species, than at any time in human history. And if we are quarantining alone, we might be lonelier than ever before in our lives.

Much of our relating has become virtual. We have less kinesthetic & energetic cues, as a large part of our intimacy is mediating by electronic boxes.

We need stronger communication skills than ever before. We need a bigger toolbox. At last, I have something to offer the world that the world at large might finally recognize it needs.

During Seasons 1 and 2, I got horizontal with one guest at a time.

In Season 3, I've had mostly threesomes: myself plus two guests who are in some kind of relationship with one another. Typically, each recording is between two and three hours long, and divided into two parts — the part ones are available in all the podcast places for all the podcast people, and the part twos are available exclusively for my patrons.

This conversation was recorded over the course of five-ish hours. I'll divide this conversation into four parts: the first two, episodes 104 & 105, will be available in all the podcast places, and the last two: episodes 106 & 107, will be exclusive to patrons of the horizontal arts.

Become a Patron!

This is my livelihood for the foreseeable future, so, to all of my current and future patrons:

Thank you for my subsistence,

and thank you for making the world a more intimate place.

In this and the following three episodes, I lie down with Eri Kardos and Jaymin Patel: world travelers, long-time digital nomads, co-parents of two young children, and American expats in Bali.

Friends of Mirelle, my housemate and guest of episode 1. feed your delight, Eri & Jay offered me one of their guest rooms in Ubud. I stayed in their home my first two weeks in Bali. Jaymin told me that in their years of travel, they'd been hosted by legions of people. So they were paying it forward. It was a soft place to land. I'm grateful for the lily pad.

Eri is a Relationship Coach (for busy professionals in both traditional and alternative relationships). She is a Public Speaker, and the author of the book Relationship Agreements: A Simple and Effective Guide for Strengthening Communication, Reducing Conflict, and Increasing Intimacy to Design Your Ideal Relationship.

Her new program, Beyond Mom-Mode, intends to nourish the nurturer.

Jaymin is a serial entrepreneur, serial author, Public Speaker, and creator of The Integrated Father. His new venture endeavors to guide men as they design a version of fatherhood that nourishes them, their relationships, their kids, their work, and their creativity.

Many of the parenting skills that Eri & Jay mention in our conversation are not just parenting skills, but parenting-ourselves skills. Human-ing skills. Relating skills.

In this, part one of our conversation, we told our comic-book-style origin stories.

Jaymin's story (let's call it "The Young Prince," or, "Jaymin & the Quest for Authenticity") involves a strict Indian family, sisters and aunties aplenty, bi-cultural identity, being a model Hindu and a very very very good boy, doing right by his parents, musical theatre, people-pleaser recovery, embracing his weird, Adlerian psych, and positive discipline.

Eri's story (let's call it "Ode to a Puerto Rican massage," or, "Sunshine Likes Sex") involves Polish Roman Catholic & Swedish Lutheran parents, 3 siblings, constant uprootings, dance, 5 or 6 baptisms, a vacation bible school, being a very very very good girl, backpacking across the world, youth hostel life, sex addiction worries, Christian counseling, one excellent Sugar Daddy, Seattle, sex-positivity, her longtime open relating partner Adam, and creating agile relationship agreements.

Come lie down with us in Ubud, Bali, Indonesia.

Usually, our conversation is long and languorous, and lasts between three and five hours. When I release it, I divide it into two parts (if we recorded for three hours) and four parts (if we recorded for five). The first half of the conversation is available in all the podcast places, and the second is available exclusively to patrons of the horizontal arts.

You can become a patron for access to The Full Horizontal by signing up on patreon.com/horizontalwithlila

At the end of each conversation, I ask my guest to tell me a story, and the story marks the conclusion of our final episode together. It can be any personal story that falls under the broad umbrella of intimacy — sex, love, or relationships of any kind. In episode 102. you can't have dibs on a person, Dennis's story was about how he met his biological father. In episode 97. let me show you what I can offer, Leidy's was about the best sex of her entire life. I've had stories of being carried down a mountaintop, watching your wife have a miscarriage, giving your parent's body to science, a friend breakup, and a particularly epic tale about the Cretan Resistance, thievery, journeying, and a skull.

When I ask them to tell me a story, I say that it can have any kind of tone or outcome, as long as it's a story that they truly desire to tell me — because if they have the impulse to tell it, and they're also just a bit afraid to do so, it will be the right one: a narrative that others need to hear.

My live event, the horizontal storytelling pajama party, is an eveningful of these stories. I get horizontal with my guest just like we do when we record a full episode, wearing robes, sharing a pillow, microphone above us, gazing upward as though stargazing, or post-coital, or whispering in the wee hours of a really good sleepover.

This quickie was recorded live in June 2019 at horizontal storytelling: the summer pride edition. We all donned rainbow pajamas, noshed on milk and cookies, and curled up together, all 50 of us, to listen to five storytellers from across the LGBTQIA+ community, one after the other.

In this quickie, I lie down with Kaleena. I asked her what I should share when I introduced her that night, and this is what she told me: Kaleena is a pansexual poly kinky Latinx woman, and a first generation Dominican American. She loves 80's horror movies, powerlifting and dancing. Her favorite author in elementary school was Edgar Allen Poe. She played roller derby for 7 years, skating under the name Sugar Smacks. She was one of the few Latinas in derby when it was making a comeback. She loves dogs, and has a soft spot for the difficult adoption cases. She is a former high school prom queen (although it was completely chosen at random)! She believes food is a great expression of love, and enjoys cooking (although she cannot bake a single thing successfully). She is currently an office manager, and hopes to try and combine her administrative skills with her love of dogs into a career working with both disadvantaged humans and canines.

This episode was mixed and mastered by Irving Gadhoury, IGrecording.com on the interwebz. My cover art was illustrated by Shana Shay, whom you can find on 99designs. The remix of my original intro music was created by kidmental, an accapella beatbox musician. Get a theme song of your very own by hiring him on Fiverr or becoming his patron on patreon.com/kidmental

Come lie down with us in Bushwick, Brooklyn, for a story called, "If You're So Proud."

This is THE 100TH EPISODE OF horizontal!!!

Naturally, this one is a bit different than the others. In celebration, I am releasing a never-before-heard experimental episode, recorded on May 21st, 2019 — the 2 year anniversary of horizontal.

In every other episode, I lie down with one or two people at a time. In this special, I lie down with 9!

I gathered as many previous horizontal guests, patrons, and supporters as I could, and asked my boyfriend at the time to join us. We recorded at Hacienda Studio, the event space of Hacienda Villa, my intentional community. We had three beds and three microphones. None of us were sure how it would go. What would come up when the 9 of us tried to have one conversation?

In this episode, I lie down with:

Kristi Ann, spectacular dancer and movement artist, and my friend who, behind the scenes, has quietly helped me choose between the titles for my episodes.

Mirelle, horizontal's very first guest! Resident of the Villa, my housemate and friend, and, as you may recall, a consummate connoisseur of delight.

Steve Dean, my friend the Superconnector, dating coach, dating industry consultant, and guest on episodes 82. 200 dating profiles, and 83. you do not have voting rights in this startup (relationship).

Jillian Richardson, creator of The Joy List, author of Unlonely Planet, and my most recent horizontal guest on episodes 98. withhelds & unsaids, and 99. indiana jones is my father.

This 100th episode interrupts my 4-episode arc with Jillian and Dennis, but they will be back next week, and the week after that, with episodes 101 & 102. Those episodes are available exclusively to patrons of the horizontal arts, so for more Jillian & Dennis, plus The Full Horizontal, which includes all the part twos (and in this case, threes and fours) going back to the beginning, become my patron on Patreon.com/horizontalwithlila — You'll get all the independent, uncensored, sex-positive horizontality, and you'll be a part of the mission that I share with Jillian: to make the world a less lonely, more intimate place.

Also in this episode, we lie down with:

Owen Muir, MD, my friend, is a child, adolescent, and adult psychiatrist, half of the team behind Brooklyn Minds, and the audiophile who made the first season of horizontal possible, by somehow mixing & mastering every episode in the midst of fathering, psychiatrist-ing, and running a business that is changing the world of mental health.

Tiana & Orion, my dear friends, poly partners, leaders in the POC (Person of Color) kink community in New York City, and my guests on their own 4-episode arc, episodes 78. surprise surprise he liked black chicks, 79. not gonna be the abusive guy, 80. definition of a primary partner, & 81. sneak attack group sex. These are some of the episodes I am the proudest to have made, and I'm ever-grateful for their bravery and generosity.

Venus & Jason, who have been patrons of the podcast and delightful, avid participants in nearly every horizontal event I've produced, including the podcast launch pajama party, 14 Rooms (my immersive Valentine's experience), The Art of Trust (my connection games workshop), and horizontal storytelling (a live recording of the quickies).

And Patrick, Engineer, fixer of things, fearless explorer of self… my ex-boyfriend.

In this episode, we do a round of "If you really knew me," which is probably my favorite of all the intimacy games I lead, and then a round of Brags. We discuss the experiences that Jillian and I had with the man that we both dated, disassociation, novelty drive, feelings as puppies, healthy narcissism, narcissistic personality disorder, emotions at 110%, opt-ins and opt-outs, normative dating behavior, and needing other minds to support us in not losing ours. Then we conclude with a round of gratitudes. This episode is unlike any other, because, with Owen present, we have the benefit of a psychiatrist's insight.

Happy 100 episodes to meeeeeee! If you have any ideas for else I might celebrate, reach out through the @horizontalwithlila Instagram or on horizontalwithlila.com

This episode was recorded by Owen Muir, with mixing and mastering by Irving Gadhoury. Find Irving at IGrecording.com on the interwebs, to hire him for your Tri-State Area based audio needs. My cover art was created by Shana Shay, whom you can find on 99designs. And this episode features a remix of my original intro music by kidmental, an accapella beatbox musician. I first heard kid's work on my favorite podcast, Ear Hustle, when he remixed their theme song. He creates theme songs for everyone, podcast or no, and you can snag one by becoming his patron on patreon.com/kidmental

Next week we'll pick back up with Dennis & Jillian in episode 101, part three of our conversation. To gain access to part three, in which we delve into Jillian's household growing up, that incident with the vibrator, Dennis's high school work as a peer-to-peer Sex Educator, his biological brothers, the topography of our friendship lives, and how Dennis used to rely entirely on his long-term relationship to get his intimacy needs met — become a patron of the horizontal arts!

Until next time, dear ones, may you have someone to love, something to do, and something to look forward to. I'm looking forward to attending Samia's anti-wedding, today! Samia, of episodes 59. i'm gonna fuck him forEVER and 60. consexual experiences, is getting married, wearing a skeleton catsuit. I'm gonna be their social media maven, so you better believe there's gonna be loads of videos! Check my Instagram if you wanna see 'em!

If you haven't yet, do me the honor of clicking the Subscribe button in your podcast player of choice. It makes a difference in my world.

Thank you for listening. Thank you for inspiring me to make 100 episodes, and beyond. Thank you for getting horizontal.

And now come lie down with all of us in Bushwick, Brooklyn.

horizontal is Slow Radio about intimacies of all kinds. I think of it as consensual eavesdropping — we're lying down, wearing robes, sharing secrets, in your ears.

In this, the second episode of a four-part series with those who consider themselves chosen brother and sister, I lie down with Jillian Richardson, creator of The Joy List and author of Unlonely Planet & her housemate Dennis E. Sarkozy, Lifestyle Designer and co-lead of Personal Development Nerds.

Each horizontal conversation is typically between 3 and 5 hours long. When it's 3 hours long, it gets divided into two parts: part one is available to everyone in all the podcast places, and part two is available exclusively to my patrons. When the conversation goes for most of the night, like this one did, it gets divided into four parts: parts one and two are available to everyone, and parts three and four are available exclusively to patrons of the horizontal arts.

In part one of this conversation, episode 98. withhelds & unsaids, Jillian and I cleared the air after our cancelled event, I shared how I feel about Dennis, and we talked about the difference between being drawn to someone and being attracted to them, The Touch Gauntlet, safeporting, and a distinction between sensual and sexual energy. Then, I made an erotic confession. One that's still giving me a vulnerability hangover.

In this, part two, we discuss Dennis's creative family tree, including Indiana Jones, his communal roots, and his mother's indomitable matriarchal strength. We discuss his biological father who preferred not to be a father, the crush in kindergarten that lead to a bit of violence with a block, and his grade school infatuation with each of the girls in his class, in turn. We discuss passing the torch, becoming the patrons and matrons and caretakers of our families. Jillian presences that she's feeling distant, and we grapple with my intentions for making our clearing part of the recording. We discuss having a good public image, the Wounded Healer syndrome, and the brief personal essay Jillian shares at the outset of every Joy List email, which often reveals something she is actively struggling with. And then Jillian shared the story of how she induced her parents to attend a 5-day family therapy retreat. I am in awe of it.

To listen to part three, in which we get into Jillian's household growing up, that incident with the vibrator, Dennis's high school work as a peer-to-peer Sex Educator, his relationship with his biological brothers, the topography of our friendship lives, and how Dennis used to rely entirely on his long-term relationship to get his intimacy needs met — for access to The Full Horizontal, including part three and four of this conversation, become a patron of the horizontal arts. Be a part of my mission to make the world a more intimate place, continuing to create independent, uncensored, sex-positive work by navigating to patreon.com/horizontalwithlila

This episode was mixed and mastered by Irving Gadoury. I highly recommend him for all your audio needs, including live shows! You can hire him on IGrecording.com . My cover art was created by Shana Shay, whose character illustrations you can find on 99 designs. And my intro music was composed by Alan Markley, on Instagram as plasticcannons.

If you haven't yet hit the subscribe button in your podcast player of choice, would you do that? It makes a difference. Thanks!

This is episode 99, and since the next episode is 100, (100! Something to celebrate!) I may have a bit of a surprise experiment coming next week… or maybe just a surprise. I'm not sure.

But until next time: May you have someone to love (I'm especially wishing that for myself right now). May you have something to do. And may you have at least one thing to look forward to.

I'm looking forward to Samia's wedding! Can you believe it? Samia, of episodes 59. i'm gonna fuck him forEVER and 60. consexual experiences, is getting married to a man on November 19th. The theme of her wedding is death and rebirth. She is wearing a skeleton catsuit, to the great chagrin of her mom. I can't wait. There will be photos.

Thank you for listening. Thank you for getting horizontal.

And now, come lie down with us again in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.