Why do relationships feel so DAMN complicated these days? Modern love comes with sky-high expectations—partners are expected to be our best friend, therapist, co-parent, and soulmate all rolled into one. In this episode, Nicholas Velotta, Ph.D. student and Head of Research at Arya, shares why relationships feel harder today, what the science of intimacy has to tell us, and how building community (and redefining partnership) can take the pressure off and bring the spark back.

What We Cover in This Episode:

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In this week's episode we're answering one of YOUR questions with a combination of expert tips and personal experience. 

The Question: “Hi there! Been a looooong time listener of the pod and have a question/need for advice. My fiancé and I have been together for almost 4 years, we’re in a super healthy relationship, and I feel very happy with him. The last few months or so, our sex life has been a little less than normal and less than what I hoped for. We still have satisfying sex, but not as frequently, and it’s pretty formulaic—we go to what we know works. I feel like I’m initiating more (probably 80% me, 20% him), and because of that, I get told no more, which never feels good. I’ve been wanting to get out of this lull to make our sex life fantastic again.

Then a few days ago, I woke up and saw him looking at sexual reels of Instagram models, saving and screenshotting them. He didn’t know I could see his screen, and I haven’t said anything. We both watch porn and have talked about boundaries—this doesn’t cross any, but I still feel so bad/jealous/insecure. I think it’s because when we talk about porn abstractly, it’s easier to process, but actually seeing it hurt my feelings.

My brain keeps telling me the story that he has sexual feelings about these women that he doesn’t seem to have about me, and I hate that thought. I’m upset with him, which isn’t fair because he didn’t break my trust, but it really sucked to see. I’m feeling like I don’t want to be affectionate right now. I wish I could be more evolved about this, and I’d love your perspective/advice on how to move past this and not be so hurt by something very normal.”

What We Cover in This Episode:

How to get out of a sex lull. Whether things have gotten routine or you're not having sex as often as you'd like, we share ways to shift the energy and reignite desire.

Rethinking what it means to initiate sex. Initiation doesn’t always have to be physical or as blunt as "want to have sex?" We walk through ways to initiate that feel natural, playful, and pressure-free.

How to figure out what your partner needs (without guessing). Questions to ask, things to notice, and ways to open up honest convo about how he experiences intimacy and desire.

Tools to navigate rejection without resentment. We share strategies to help both partners handle “not tonight” moments with care, like setting expectations, creating opt-in moments, and building connection even when sex isn’t on the table.

When he’s looking at Instagram models...what does it mean and what should you do? We unpack the feelings that come up when your partner engages with sexual content online, how to rework boundaries around it, and what to say if it hurts, even if it technically doesn’t “break a rule.”

Specific phrases to help you start and steer the conversation. We give you language you can borrow or tweak, including a mini role-play of how we’d personally approach this chat.

Tools to spice things up and try something new. From foreplay ideas to spicy games, we suggest ways to add novelty, connection, and fun back into your routine.

A big heaping dose of validation, because this is hard. If you’re the one initiating most of the time, feeling rejected, or wondering if it’s even okay to bring this up, you’re not alone, and you’re not asking for too much.

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If you’ve ever had sex you didn’t really want to have— to avoid awkwardness, not hurt your partner's feelings or just get it over with—this episode is for you. We’re joined by Claire Perelman, a Queer, Jewish, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist based in the Bay Area who specializes in working with queer, poly, and kink communities.

Claire breaks down what it really means to “push through” during sex, why so many of us do it (even when we know we don’t want to), and how to start honoring your boundaries without guilt, shutdown, or shame.

We cover:

Connect with Claire:

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In this week's episode we're answering one of YOUR questions with a combination of expert tips and personal experience. 

The Question: "I’m in my mid-20s now, but I still feel like my breakup from high school is affecting the way I show up in relationships. Like… my attachment style, my trust issues, the way I react when someone pulls away. It all kind of traces back to that first heartbreak. Shouldn’t I be over it by now? It feels silly sometimes, but it also feels so real. Am I broken or is this just… a thing?"

What We Cover in This Episode:

The breakup that still haunts you (yes, that one). We revisit the heartbreaks that shaped us and why your pain from that relationship is still valid.

Why your younger self didn’t need to “know better." A compassionate reframe for those moments when you look back and think, “Why didn’t I know better?” (Spoiler: it wasn’t your job to know. It was your job to do the best you could with what you had.)

Validation is not weakness—it’s healing. We talk about why needing to feel seen in your pain isn’t dramatic, it’s human.

Unpacking what breakups really bring up (hint: it’s not just about your ex). From attachment wounds to trust issues, we explore how heartbreak echoes in other areas of life.

How to offer yourself the compassion you never got. Step-by-step reflections on how to talk to yourself like someone you deeply care about.

Letting go with grace and a little bit of rage. We normalize the complexity of closure and what it actually takes to move forward.

Creating rituals that honor your healing. Whether it’s a playlist, a letter, or a literal ceremony, we explore ways to mark the end of a chapter.

Why your sadness makes sense. A gentle reminder that you don’t have to defend or downplay your grief—especially when no one else understood it at the time.

Resources:

⁠⁠Get The Hot Girl Closure Ceremony Downloadable HERE!⁠

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Self-trust isn’t just a cute idea, it’s the foundation for literally everything. This week we’re joined by Emily Romero, trauma therapist turned author and creator of The Self-Trust Model™, to talk about how to stop overthinking, start trusting your gut, and finally feel like you’ve got you. If people-pleasing, insecurity, or indecision have been running the show... this one’s for you.

We cover:

BUY EMILY'S BOOK HERE!

Connect with Emily:

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In this week's episode we're answering one of YOUR questions with a combination of expert tips and personal experience. 

The Question: I’ve been with my partner for almost three years and I love everything about our relationship… except for the fact that he never compliments me. In the years we have dated he has never once told me I look pretty, hot, beautiful, nothing. I tell him often that I like his outfit, hair, shoes, that he looks hot, etc. but he never reciprocates. He makes me feel very loved in other ways, but this in particular is slowly making me very insecure about myself. How do I balance my own self-esteem with wanting to feel approval and desire from my partner?

What We Cover:

Your needs are important and valid. We unpack why your emotional and physical needs in a relationship matter just as much as your partner’s (and how to stop minimizing them).

Real talk on having a brutally honest conversation with your partner. What it looks like to drop the “cool girl” act and actually say the hard things you’ve been holding in.

How to advocate for your needs in and out of the bedroom. Practical scripts and strategies to help you speak up, without feeling like you're asking for "too much".

Communication strategies that actually work. We break down simple, clear ways to communicate your needs without spiraling into conflict or shutdown.

How to build up your self-esteem and sexual confidence. From the stories you tell yourself to the way you show up in your body, we walk through the internal shifts that make a real difference.

Balancing self-worth with partner validation. We explore how to recognize when you're outsourcing your self-worth to your relationship and how to 

Resources:

⁠Get The Perfect Solo Date Downloadable HERE!

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Ever get hit with a wave of anxiety, sadness, or anger and think, “Cool, but what do I do with this?” This episode is your answer. We’re joined by somatic coach and nervous system expert Béa Victoria Albina, NP, MPH to talk about exactly what to do when big feelings show up (without spiraling, shutting down, or pretending you're fine). We’re talking mini, step-by-step action plans for managing anger, sadness, and anxiety in the moment and how to stay fully present when you’re actually feeling good (because joy can feel scary too). You’ll walk away with grounded, science-backed tools to help you regulate your nervous system and feel fully capable of feeling your damn feels.

PREORDER BÉA'S BOOK HERE!

Visit her website HERE!

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Who decided being single has to be a pit stop on the way to something better? In this episode, we’re showing you how to make your single era the main event. Think solo date nights, orgasms (duh), reframing everything you thought you knew about singlehood, and building a life so good it turns heads. Being single isn’t a gap, it’s the glow-up.

What We Cover in This Episode:

Resources:

Get The Perfect Solo Date Downloadable HERE!

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In this episode, we’re joined by Nicole Thompson, a sex and relationship psychotherapist and host of the Modern Anarchy Podcast. Nicole brings a trauma-informed, radically compassionate lens to the way we talk about sex, relationships, and desire. Together, we explore how shame holds us back from pleasure and how we can start speaking up, owning what we want, and creating the kinds of connections that feel liberating and real. 

What we cover in this episode:

Resources + Links

Follow Nicole on Instagram: @modernanarchypodcast

Listen to the Modern Anarchy Podcast HERE!

Get The Psychedelic Jealousy Guide HERE!

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In this week's episode we're answering one of YOUR questions with a combination of expert tips and personal experience. 

The Question: "I'm in a really loving and supportive relationship and I want to have sex. Like, I mentally want it—I’m attracted to my partner, I crave intimacy, I feel emotionally connected… but it still takes me a long time to feel fully turned on physically. I don’t just get wet easily, and sometimes it feels like I’m waiting for my body to catch up. It makes me feel kind of broken or like I’m doing something wrong. Is this normal? Why is it so hard to just “flip the switch,” even when I want to be there? And how can I navigate this with my partner in a way that doesn’t make things awkward or overly clinical?"

We're covering:

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