horizontal with lila

I love snuggling, sleepovers, storytelling, sex, and stargazing, among other things. So I've metaphorically rolled them up in audio form and made you this podcast. Horizontal is Slow Radio. We're lying down (usually late at night) wearing robes, sharing secrets, in your ears. It's like consensual eavesdropping.

During Seasons 1 and 2, I got horizontal with one guest at a time. This is Season 3. Season 3 is mostly comprised of threesomes: myself plus two guests in some kind of relationship with one another. The relationships we've explored so far are manager/client, play party co-hosts, men's group leaders, primary poly partners, monogamous married (soul)mates, and a couple of Wizard friends.

Typically, each horizontal conversation is between two and three hours long, and divided into two parts — the part ones are available in all the podcast places, and the part twos are available exclusively for my patrons.

This horizontal conversation took place over the course of five hours. I'll be dividing it into four parts: the first two: episodes 98 & 99, will be available in all the podcast places, and the last two will be available exclusively to patrons of the horizontal arts.

To become a patron, go to Patreon.com/horizontalwithlila — at the $7/month tier, you get access to The Full Horizontal, including all the part twos (in this case, threes and fours). You have to click the link or type the exact address into your search engine, because "adult" creators are made unsearchable on Patreon.

I am more committed than ever to independent, uncensored, sex-positive art that makes the world a more intimate place. You can be part of my mission on patreon.com/horizontalwithlila.

In this episode, I lie down with my friend Jillian Richardson, anti-loneliness crusader, creator of The Joy List, author of Unlonely Planet, and Dennis, Lifestyle Designer, co-lead of Personal Development Nerds, her housemate, her chosen family, her brother.

Jillian and I share a mission: to make the world a less lonely, more intimate place. She is a kindred in public vulnerability. A gatherer. A connector.

Jillian is in the business of belonging. It is such important work. Soul-saving work. The Joy List is a weekly compendium of events in New York City that you can go to alone, and leave with a new friend. It is one of the few newsletters that I read every week without fail. I suggest that you sign up for The Joy List on joylist.nyc and follow joylistnyc on social media, even if you don't live in New York.

In each edition of The Joy List, Jillian shares a brief personal essay about something she's grappling with, or breaking through. She does this because she's as committed to authentic communication as I am. She doesn't want to purport that she has it all figured out. I respect that so much. And even so, I sometimes find myself feeling envious — of her productivity, her diligence, her powerful mission-focus, her myriad invitations, and the adoration of her peers, her audience, and pretty much everyone who comes across her work.

What I really want to do with my envy is connect, understand, motivate, collaborate… and lift each other up. Jillian once said that she felt like we were this GIF of women's hands continually lifting each other up, over and over and over. And that, I am committed to.

Unlonely Planet: how healthy congregations can save the world is her heart-full book about seeking, curating, and creating the kinds of communities that truly nourish us. I have five words for it:

Buy.

Read.

Gather.

Nourish.

Love.

You can find it, of course, in the Amazon.

Jillian & Dennis have been living together with their other two housemates in mini-community for two years.

Dennis is a curator of many kinds. He designs Community & Wellness strategies for large corporations, experiences for multiple groups in New York City, and events for his beloved Personal Development Nerds (PDN for short). Jillian describes him as the most extroverted person she knows.

PDN was one of Jillian's first communities in New York (but it's not where they met — you'll get that story in a later episode). It's a gathering of lifelong learners, co-lead by Dennis & Juvoni. Their Main Events consist of brief lectures and breakout conversations. Members are encouraged to bring in their works-in-progress, their nascent presentations, their burgeoning projects, their early iterations — to experiment, and activate, to give and receive feedback. They stand for each other's growth.

And that is the sense I get from Dennis. Dennis stands for everyone's growth. He stands for potential, and for possibilities. You can find him @desarkozy on Instagram.

In this, the first episode of our four-part conversation, I clear the air with Jillian after our cancelled sleepover event. I also express how I feel about Dennis. We discuss the difference between being drawn to and being attracted to, the difference between sexual and sensual energy, The Touch Gauntlet, an inner tickle, safeporting... and I share a sexual fantasy that I'm pretty sure is gonna make Jillian uncomfortable.

Come lie down with us for the first time, in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

horizontal is a podcast of intimacies recorded while lying down. It's Slow Radio. Consensual eavesdropping. Because I love sleepovers, spooning, secrets, sex, storytelling, and stargazing, I've metaphically rolled them up in audio form and made you this.

Each recording is typically between two and three hours long, and divided into two parts — the part ones are available in all the podcast places, and the part twos are available exclusively for my patrons. This conversation, however, was recorded over the course of nearly five hours. And so I've divided it into four parts — the first two: episodes 94 & 95 are available to everyone, and the next two, episodes 96 & 97, will be available only to patrons of the horizontal arts.

So when you get to the end of this episode, and your mouth is hanging open in a bit of a gasp, and you simply must hear the rest of Leidy's epic romance (and I do not use the word "epic" lightly), you can sign up on Patreon.com/horizontalwithlila for The Full Horizontal (including all the part twos — and in this case, threes and fours — going back to the beginning), plus monthly intimacy tips, and the secret patrons group with behind-the-scenes access. Patreon is the love child of crowdfunding and a subscription service, designed to help us creators earn an income independently of networks, ad revenue, and selling our souls.

My dearest goal right now is to liberate myself from my location and my current job, to be able to support myself as I tour America in 2020, and record episodes, teach trust games, create installations, shoot video, and write about making the world a more intimate place. Patreon is one way you can be a part of happening it. Another way, is if you or your company wants to sponsor a shame-dispelling, loneliness-eradicating, connection-cultivating cross-country tour. I am particularly in need of renting a camper van!

Join me on Patreon.com/horizontalwithlila or send me a message with sponsorship propositions through the website, horizontalwithlila.com

In the last episode, 94. i want to make love to my soulmate, part one of this four-part conversation, I got horizontal with Leidy Dahiana and Dino, her husband and lover and soulmate. Leidy is a Licensed Erotic Blueprints™️ Coach, a sexuality sherpa, and one of the most sensual, delicious, effervescent, mischeivous, and delectable humans I've ever known. Dino is a former pro basketball player and current Movement Coach, an exceedingly tall, exceptionally calm, present, and grounded person.

In the first part of our conversation, we talked about unspoken Latina rules & and spoken ones, chickenheads, dancing in the middle of the circle at family parties, the porn section of Leidy's family's video stores, Dino's Croatia, the day his mom decided not to give him the sex talk, and his circle of high school friends. We talked about Sven, his best friend / brother, who had just visited them in New York. We talked about not allowing blood family or marriage to keep us unhappy, when people are no longer able to function as a unit. And Dino told us about his first time, and his unshakeable certainty that he would meet his person.

In this episode, we discuss Leidy's belief that passion always has an expiration date, and how Dino began to change her mind. We discuss making out when you say hello, making out in general, what making out is even, Dino's first heartbreak and nearly two years of celibacy, and the importance of a connection that goes beyond the physical. Dino talks about the trap of sleeping around and the freedom in monogamy. Leidy tells the tale of her first obsessive teenage love, fondling each other in the living room of her mom's house, smothering, engulfment, and being loved in a way that feels stifling. We discuss moving towards what feeds you, being able to take space while in the same room as your partner, mindful touch, and the glory of body heat. And then Leidy begins the story of her first big love affair, which involves a large bribe, Club Med, Turks & Caicos, two playing cards, a seduction, a work romance, one Italian mother from the village, and a grand gesture. And that was just the beginning.

Come lie down with us again in Midtown Manhattan, New York, New York.

To hear the rest of the story of Leidy's first epic romance, become a patron of the horizontal arts on Patreon.com/horizontalwithlila

Be sure to hit the Subscribe button wherever you're listening to this, because it really makes a difference in this podcasty world. And for intermittent missives with saucy photos, bits of writing, and things of horizontal interest, you can sign up for my mailing list on horizontalwithlila.com

This episode was mixed and mastered by Irving Gadhoury. Find him for all your audio needs at IGrecording.com. My intro music was composed by Alan Markley, @plasticcannons on Instagram, and my cover art was designed by Shana Shay, whom you can hire on 99 designs.

Until next time: may you have someone to love, something to do, and something to look forward to. I'm looking forward to seeing both parts of Harry Potter and the Cursed Child on Broadway this Wednesday, my birthday, with two of my favorite humans, who also happen to be horizontal guests, and horizontal patrons.

I'm glad to see another year. I'm glad to be alive.

Thank you for listening. Thank you for getting horizontal.

I love sleepovers, and spooning, secrets, sex, storytelling, and stargazing. I've metaphorically rolled these things up in audio form and made you this podcast. horizontal with lila is Slow Radio. Consensual eavesdropping. Intimacies of all kinds. It's us lying down right next to each other, wearing robes, sharing secrets, in your ears.

During Seasons 1 and 2, I got horizontal with one guest at a time, but in Season 3, I intend to record as many threesomes as possible: myself plus two guests, who are in some kind of relationship with one another. Usually, each recording is between two and three hours long, and divided into two parts — the part ones are available in all the podcast places, and the part twos are available exclusively for my patrons.

But this conversation, just like the one with Tiana & Orion, which comprises episodes 78 - 81, was recorded over the course of five hours. It was fueled by a vat of watermelon and several, several pee breaks. I'll be dividing this conversation into four parts as well: the first two, episodes 94 & 95, will be available in all the podcast places for all the podcast people, and the last two: 96 & 97, will be exclusive to patrons of the horizontal arts.

For access to The Full Horizontal, including all the part twos (or as the case may be, threes and fours) plus access to the secret patrons Facebook group, and a monthly video of intimacy tips, go to Patreon.com/horizontalwithlila — you have click this link directly though, because, due to the unfortunately lingering prudery of our society, as a quote unquote "adult" creator, I am relegated to an invisible ghetto on Patreon where all the people who dare to talk about sex go, in which our pages are un-searchable, even if you type them in my name.

In this and the following 3 episodes, I lie down with Leidy Dahiana (which sounds, in the mouth of an American, just like the Lady Diana, but is spelled quite differently, and sounds very different in the mouth of a Latina) and Dino, her husband and lover and soulmate.

Leidy is an effervescent. An undulating, curvaceous, mischief of sensuality. She is a Licensed Erotic Blueprints™️ Coach, a sexuality sherpa. Her curiosity about the erotic is capacious, and I always feel a bit more delicious in my body when she's around. She has been coaching movement for 20+ years, and is one of the most embodied people I've ever known. Before becoming an Erotic Blueprints Coach, she spent a few years interviewing couples as research for an Instagram series she called "The Lovers Cafe." She interviewed me too… sans lover.

Dino is a former pro basketball player. Now he dedicates his days to helping people live a pain-free active life, as a Movement Coach. He is present and clear-eyed and easy and warm, like the cousin you look forward to laughing with when the family gets together.

Leidy & Dino met at a gym where we've all worked — but that's a story for a later episode.

In this one, we talk about unspoken Latina rules (be sexy) and spoken ones (don't be un cuero / don't be a slut). We talk about chickenheads, dancing in the middle of the circle at family parties, and the porn section of Leidy's family's video stores. We talk about Dino's Croatia, the day his mom decided not to give him the sex talk, and the depth and longevity of Dino's circle of high school friends. We talk about Sven, who just visited them in New York, for whom the word "friend" is insufficient. We talk presence, anticipation, and undressing very, very slowly. I tell them the story of my Happy Dance. We talk about not allowing blood family or marriage to keep us unhappy, when people are no longer able to function as a unit. And Dino tells about his first time, monogamy, soulmates, and his unshakeable certainty that he would meet his person.

And now I feel I must give you a disclaimer. This is a disclaimer about how: In the process of leveling up, sometimes you... level down for a moment.

So I've been working on improving my recording quality. I got these two shiny new ElectroVoice radio quality microphones. But it takes me a while to incorporate new technology. Probably because I dislike reading instruction manuals, and even more than that, I am disinclined to learn from the internet. So I skim the manual, and don't watch tutorials, and then.... Well, then I have entirely unsurprising technical difficulties. Since I prefer learning from humans, I should cultivate situations in which knowledgeable humans can teach me about my equipment. Luckily, I did that with Irving Gadoury, my audio engineer, today, and learned more about recording in a 2-hour tutorial with him than I have in the past two years. But! I didn't do that before recording this episode, and it probably shows. This really bugs me, because sound quality is so important. It's the difference between feeling like you're lying down cuddled up right next to us .... And un-listenable.

I really hope this episode is listenable for you, because Leidy is a sensual dynamo and I want the chance for her to tickle your ears.

Come lie down with us on the West Side of Manhattan, New York, New York.

***

This episode was mixed and mastered by Irving Gadhoury. Find him for all your audio needs at IGrecording.com. My intro music was composed by Alan Markley, @plasticcannons on Instagram, and my cover art was designed by Shana Shay, whom you can hire on 99 designs.

Be sure to click the Subscribe button wherever you are listening, because it makes a difference in this podcasty world, and for extremely intermittent missives with saucy photos, bits of writing, and things of horizontal interest, sign up for my mailing list on horizontalwithlila.com

Until next time: may you have someone to love, something to do, and something to look forward to. I'm looking forward to seeing BOTH PARTS of Harry Potter on Broadway with two of my favorite humans on my birthday, in mid-October. (And dressing up.)

Thank you for listening. Thank you for getting horizontal.

This is a podcast about intimate relationships of all kinds. It's Slow Radio, consensual eavesdropping. It's us lying down, sharing secrets, in your ears.

Each full-length recording is between 3 and 5 hours long, divided into two episodes. Part one: available in all the podcast places. Part two: available exclusively to patrons of the horizontal arts. And at the very end of the part twos, I ask my guest to tell me a story...

Occasionally, I release a quickie episode. A quickie is just the story (or in this case, stories, as she was feeling inspired).

This particular quickie episode was recorded live at my horizontal storytelling pajama party of February 2018.

In this quickie, I lie down with Diana Oh. Diana Oh is a Force.

An instigator, an activist, an actress, a musician, a singer, a creator of myriad kinds. She is an Interpreter, and also, a Maker - a sensual, gutsy, and glorious queer theatre-maker, happening-curator, and music-creator. Since Diana uses both she and they pronouns, I will use them interchangeably.

They are the architect of {my lingerie play}, a series of installations, performances, and concerts profiled in places like Upworthy and The New York Times, which includes public declarations of lingerie, body positivity, and standing for the right to walk down the fucking street without being harassed.

Recently they hosted a series of slumber parties - can you see why she's a woman after my own heart?! - and called them The Infinite Love Party. I love that. I love that so much.

I've had a horizontal sleepover in the works for a while, and this coming Sunday, September 29th from 5-8pm at Hacienda Studio in Brooklyn, I'm hosting horizontal + chill: #notaplayparty.

It's a 3-hour sleepover! We'll have connection games, a cheeky film screening, massage toys, a hot tub, and surprises (which may or may not include a serenade or two).

I first saw Diana perform in a staged reading of a musical over a decade ago, in a teeny tiny black box theatre in the very West Village. I don't remember the plot. I don't recall the music. I only vaguely remember who I was with. What I *do* have memory of, vividly, viscerally, is Diana's sensuality. As she sang and flipped her hair to the side and cocked her head, smiled and rocked her body to the beat, her sensuality penetrated every crevice of that space..... and I wondered, "Do I want to be her? Do I want to kiss her?"

I think what I admire the most about Diana is her refusal to color in the lines of your medium. Her whole career seems to say, "Why can't these things go together? Obviously they fucking can. I'm gonna put them together and see what happens."

Is it a play?

Is it a concert?

Performance art?

An installation?

A happening?

Yes. Yes it is.

Find all things Diana at dianaoh.co (It rhymes.)

For the visuals, point yourself to her Instagram: oh yea Diana

(As usual, everything will be linked in the blog post on horizontalwithlila.com)

You can be a part of her multidisciplinary glory by becoming her patron at Patreon.com/dianaoh

And in order to receive access to all the part two episodes of horizontal, as well as a personal Happy Dance video and monthly intimacy tips, become a patron of the horizontal arts by navigating directly to Patreon.com/horizontalwithlila.

You have to navigate there directly from the link, or type it in perfectly, because unlike Diana (lucky!) I am relegated to the ghetto of sex-positive creators on Patreon.

It doesn't matter if we are providing sex ed. It doesn't matter if our work is not explicit. It doesn't matter if we hide all our content and only make it available to patrons, as I have done, after they froze my account last year - Patreon hides our profiles and makes it impossible to search for our work, because we are categorized as "adult" creators.

So, in order to support our sensual, sensory work, find us on Patreon.com/dianaoh ... And Patreon.com/horizontalwithlila:

In this quickie, Diana tells us stories about queer liberation, reparations, sex in a theatre, and inviting a roomful of NPR subscribers out on a date.

Now! Come lie down with us at horizontal storytelling, in Bushwick, Brooklyn.

***

This episode was mixed and mastered by Irving Gadhoury. Find him for all your audio needs at IGrecording.com. My intro music was composed by Alan Markley, @plasticcannons on Instagram, and my cover art was designed by Shana Shay, whom you can hire on 99 designs.

Until next time: may you have someone to love, something to do, and something to look forward to. This week, I'm looking forward to experimenting with co-working at The Wing, and seeing some immersive theatre!

Get your tickets for this Sunday night's horizontal + chill!

And thank you for getting horizontal.

horizontal is Slow Radio about intimacies of all kinds. It is entirely recorded while reclining. I think of it as consensual eavesdropping— we're lying down, wearing robes, sharing secrets, in your ears.

In this episode, I lie down with Dr. Alexandra Solomon: clinical psychologist, author of books, Northwestern University Professor, and creator of the internationally-renowned undergrad course "Marriage 101," which I wish was taught to every incoming freshman in college (and ideally, every outgoing senior in high school) and really, to every adult everywhere who didn't take that class— across the world.

I read about the course a few years back, long before I met Alexandra in person, in an article in The Atlantic, titled "The First Lesson of Marriage 101: There Are No Soul Mates." In Marriage 101, she guides students, through both book-learning and experiential means, towards relational self-awareness, guiding them through an understanding of attraction, conflict, sex, and forgiveness. Who doesn't need this class?! We all need this class! I need this class!

Alexandra's entire body of work, it seems, is devoted to guiding us to make heathy, conscious choices in love.

Her 2017 book Loving Bravely: Twenty Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want, is an ongoing dose of compassion, and I imagine that her forthcoming book, Taking Sexy Back: How to Own Your Sexuality and Create the Relationship You Want will be a guide to undoing the shame that most of us were indoctrinated with by religion and our sex-negative society.

You can do a deep dive into her work on dralexandrasolomon.com

Each horizontal conversation is between two and five hours long, and divided into two parts (except for the 5 hour-long one, which was divided into 4).

Part one, like this episode, is available in all the podcast places, and part two is available exclusively to patrons of the horizontal arts.

Patreon is like the love child of crowdfunding and a subscription service. A great big Happy Dance welcome to my newest patrons — Jacob, Hannah, & Michael. Elisa, Amanda, Becca, & Dominique. Helena, Matt, Farah, Bob, Eric, & Joe. And an extra excited Happy Dance to Rex, for doubling their pledge this month!

Here's the deal with the Happy Dance:

I come from anxious and depressive stock. I'm also a recovering perfectionist. No accomplishment was ever big enough. I would look at celebrities and compare and despair. Nothing I achieved felt like success. I felt good about it for perhaps half a second, and then re-commenced thinking about other people who had accomplished so much more. Now I'm in the process of rewiring my nervous system for celebration and joy. I decided approximately a year ago to celebrate every accomplishment, no matter how small, no matter how big, with comparable enthusiasm. Hence: the Happy Dance.

Every time I get notified of a new patron, I stop what I'm doing, wherever I am (literally: on the subway, in the hot tub, at the podcast conference) and do an elaborate Happy Dance that lasts for a solid 15 seconds at least, long enough for me to bypass any bit of embarrassment and to viscerally feel the joy rush through my body.

This is what one looks like.

I made a pact with myself when I was in college. I determined that the compliments I think in my head don't belong to me. And if they don't belong to me, I need to return them to their rightful owners: the people I think them about. Having this philosophy has spread a lot of joy that would otherwise have never been actualized. So, in much the same way, I think that Happy Dance belongs to my patron. And I'm now making a Happy Dance video for each and every new patron!

Become a Patron!

So for access to The Full Horizontal, all the part twos going back to the beginning, including next week's episode with Dr. Alexandra Solomon — as well as for your very own Happy Dance video — become a patron of the horizontal arts.

In this, part one of my conversation with Dr. Alexandra Solomon, I talk a lot. It's just so lovely to have a capaciously compassionate, therapeutic ear. I've missed that.

We talk about:

• weddingburn, a microdose & my little secret
• compersion, sexual boredom, & novelty drive
• choosing nonmonogamy out of fear
• the gendering of purpose
• how college-age Alexandra met her husband and had to recalibrate her ideas of masculinity
• the question: what lies at the intersection of your skills, your passion, and your pain? (this is what I encouraged Patrick to ask himself, in order to seek out his purpose)
• the attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, & disorganized
• neediness, turn-off, and uncertainty
• the difference between separation and shame
• her definition of loving bravely
• how Alexandra had decided she could only be the smart girl, not the pretty one
• how today in her adult life, she holds space for study and scholarship and love and sex all to coexist

Now come lie down with us in Midtown Manhattan, New York, New York.

***

This episode was mixed and mastered by Irving Gadhoury. You can find him for all your audio needs — including recording live music — at IGrecording.com. My lovely intro music was composed by Alan Markley, @plasticcannons on Instagram, and my lovely logo was illustrated by Shana Shay, whom you can hire on 99 designs.

One of my key takeaways from the — phenomenal — Podcast Movement conference in Orlando was the realization that I haven't been asking you to subscribe!

If you enjoy this episode, would you please take a moment and hit the SUBSCRIBE BUTTON in your podcast player of choice? It makes a difference. Every subscriber helps me toward my mission of making the world a more intimate place.

And if you found this episode with Dr. Alexandra Solomon powerful, would you share it with someone who could use a compassionate voice in their ear?

Thank you.

In next week's episode, part two of my conversation with Dr. Solomon, we discuss marriage, navigating mismatched libidos, the difficulty of being an academic in the field of sexuality, the faculty Greek chorus in her head, taking sexy back, teaching college kids how to communicate with their lovers, and the societal pressure for women to be beautiful while brilliant.

Thank you for listening. Thank you for getting horizontal.

Season 3 mostly consists of threesomes, and in this episode I lie down with the founder — as well as the New York City host — of Skirt Club, a private women's club for the curious kind.

Skirt Club is also the name of their sex party, an event designed exclusively for women to explore their bicuriosity. Many of these women are primarily in romantic and sexual relationships with men. Just as I was, when I attended the Rocker Chic-themed edition of Skirt Club a couple of months ago in a mansion-like loft in New York's Financial District.

If your bunny ears perked immediately, darling, you can apply to be a member at skirtclub.co.uk

Genevieve LeJeune created the Skirt Club enterprise (they currently have parties all over Europe and the U.S.) to give women a space to explore their sexuality, without men present. She felt her bisexuality was being exploited for her boyfriend's amusement, and wanted a space away from the male gaze, curated specifically for female empowerment, freedom, and sensual exploration. She couldn't find it anywhere. So she built it. She is a fiercely independent businesswoman and adventurer, a world-traveler, a stigma-challenging, femme-presenting, entrepreneur of the unconventional. And she is also very, very beautiful.

Shelby Nicole is Genevieve's friend (Genevieve said that she doesn't work with anyone she wouldn't want to be friends with, so she is living the maxim "do what you love with people you like"). Shelby is also Skirt Club's New York City Event Manager and hostess. She greeted me with lingerie and a smile when I arrived in my sequins and leather. Shelby is a creative of many kinds, an actor, a filmmaker, a writer, a model. She can be found in her sex kitten form, resplendent in lingerie on her Instagram @reclusemuse — but you'll have to request to follow her, because she is Private.

Shelby is a challenging person, as in, she challenges every idea. You may find this conversation to be less vulnerable than my usual episodes, perhaps because I had just come from a funeral, but maybe also because I felt, in a way, a bit on guard. This was interesting. I usually curate conditions for myself to record under which I don't feel defensive in any way. I don't usually get horizontal with people I feel the need to verbally parry with — it makes it harder for me to share with you my special self, my soft underbelly. I did my best here, and I was honest about feeling challenged, which is ultimately the the powerful thing I ask of myself.

So in this episode you'll see what happens when I feel the need to justify and defend my words — I get louder, I talk over them, and I do not cry. I try to live by Brene Brown's mantra: "Don't shrink, don't puff up, just stand your sacred ground." But. I think I puffed up here.

Still, in this episode we talk about Max's death and the funeral, magical thinking, how Genevieve was taught nothing about sex growing up, and Shelby learned through books left on her bed. We talked about Shelby's matter-of-fact-ness and my reaction to it. We talk about British humor, awkwardness, and media, the internet as a safe haven, Shelby's first period, how none of us want children (and how refreshing that is for me!), the story of how Genevieve married a man when she never wanted to marry anyone, having very little sex, personally, in a life that's full of it, marital bed death & resensitization, the 4pm masturbation break, a brief history of Shelby's search for orgasm, my deep envious crushes on girls, the kind of women we're attracted to, distinguishing bisexual & pansexual, recognizing if we are bisexual and biromantic, and how Genevieve's ex was repulsed by her interest in women.

This episode was mixed and mastered by Irving Gadhoury. You can find him for all your audio needs at IGrecording.com. As ever, my lovely intro music was composed by Alan Markley, who is on Instagram as @plasticcannons, and my saucy likeness of a logo was illustrated by Shana Shay, whom you can hire through 99 designs.

In next week's episode, which is available exclusively to patrons of the horizontal arts, we discuss first sexual experiences with women, my desire to voyeur at their Skirt Club party, and, to complete the trifecta of taboo topics, we also talk about: money. To listen to that episode, and for access to The Full Horizontal, which includes all the part twos of every conversation, go to Patreon.com/horizontalwithlila and become a $7+/month patron.

Until next time: May you have someone to love, something to do, and something to look forward to. In 3 days, I fly down to Orlando to attend my first podcast conference, so that is what I'm looking forward to!

Thank you, my dear. Thank you for getting horizontal.

And now, come lie down with us in the Financial District of New York, New York.

In this episode, I lie down with Geoffrey Miller, PhD: evolutionary psychology professor, author of books, out polyamorist, lifelong investigator of human nature.

I met Geoffrey at a dinner party hosted by a Blue Man and curated by an adventuresome scholar of the brain— expressly for the purpose of discussing the future of intimacy. The sex scientist Dr. Zhana was there, our mutual friend and my horizontal guest of episodes 4 & 5. She and the brain scholar invited Geoffrey. In fact, the dinner party was scheduled around his visit to New York.

And then, I knew why.

He would listen and listen, and then say something so incisive, so crystalline-clear, backed by conscientious research and immersion in the topic of human sexuality. He spoke quietly and with a gravitas reserved for someone who has studied their studies and lectured their lectures and doesn't need to prove any of it to you.

He was also a bit rakish in the way that my first-ever lover was. They have the same je ne sais quoi about the eyes— a mischeivousness, an insouciant uplooking through a fringe of lashes, a Domly-ness that's only partly concealed by their glasses... but loudly visible, if you know how to look for that sort of thing.

We recorded on a king bed in a mancave in Bushwick, Brooklyn, an airbnb that Geoffrey had rented for his New York stay. There was a fish tank. An enormous leather couch, and a flat screen TV. Because we recorded in my neighborhood: this episode has plenty of local color. If it's not the overhead train squealing to a stop, it's the incessant galumphing of the toddler upstairs (uaghhh), or the ice cream truck playing it's deathly tune in the background. If you add in some planes, cringe-worthy music played at an unholy decibel, and a whole lotta sirens: This is what it's like to live in Brooklyn. Or at least, in my part of Brooklyn.

In this, the first part of our voluminous, far-ranging conversation, we talked about his family dynasty (11 aunts & uncles, 28 cousins), growing up with intellectual, activist parents, his Dad's weekly pre-college briefings about Things That Will Happen in New York (lecture one: prostitutes), an act of sexual altruism, a tale of CPR dummies and lady ghosts of the asylum, the difference between anthropology and evolutionary psychology, 80s cotillions, dating before cell phones, the similarities between Geoffrey and his brother the preacher, heteroflexibility, bisexual stigma, future sex-positive societies, talking to college students about polyamory, how Geoffrey met his first wife and became an Instant Stepdad, struggling with monogamy, stepfathering in prehistory, how marital therapy fails men, psychotherapy solutions vs. manosphere solutions, why most clinical psychologists aren't well-versed in different relationship styles, and Geoffrey's coming-out-poly story. Phew. And then I begin the tale of how I met Patrick, which begins with 14 Rooms and culminates at the Love Immersive, with Steve Dean (a recent horizontal guest!) as the catalyst.

In the second part of my conversation with Geoffrey, which will be released next week as episode 88, I dive deep into the massive revelation I had around my own jealousy, and he gives me a broader understanding of my emotions from an evolutionary psych perspective. To listen to that episode, become a patron of the horizontal arts at $7 or more per month (Yes yes! There's now a $7 tier, by popular demand.)

Patreon is the love child of crowd-funding and a subscription service, and $7 a month gives you access to The Full Horizontal (all the part two episodes, and any bonus episodes which, P.S. One such bonus shall be released sooooon — plus an invite to the secret patrons group and our patron get-togethers!) Go to patreon.com/horizontalwithlila.

Now, come lie down with us in Bushwick, Brooklyn.

***

This episode was mixed and mastered by Irving Gadhoury. You can find him for all your audio needs (including recording live music!) at IGrecording.com. As ever, my lovely intro music was composed by Alan Markley, on the Instagram as @plasticcannons, and my saucy likeness of a logo was illustrated by Shana Shay, whom you can hire through 99 designs.

Also, what do you think about this: horizontal listeners as a group, are hozzies… Thoughts Comments? Concerns?

Season 3 mostly consists of threesomes. Whereas in Season 1 and 2, I was lying down with a single guest at time, many of my Season 3 episodes will have me lying down with two people at a time — in this case, between two wizards.

These humans are in some kind of relationship with one another. Thus far, I've had a manager and his/her trauma specialist client, co-hosts of a sexuality conversation series called the Discerning Dick, primary poly kinky romantic partners, and now, Wizard friends and esoteric collaborators.

In this episode, I lie down with Devin & Kevin. I've known about Devin for years. My former housemate Tiger, who you heard from in Season One, used to say, "My Wizard friend," quite regularly in casual conversation. But it wasn't until Lola Jean's Kinky Carnival when we became properly acquainted and made a podcast pact. He fulfilled his part of the pact months ago.

My episode of his series This Podcast is a Ritual is called "How To Take Life Lying Down," and in it, we talked at a moderate incline, about the origin of my horizontal curiosity, couples therapy, reflective listening, and my working definition of intimacy. Then I made a call for closing rituals, to end romantic relationships.

I also cast you a Spell.

I am truly delighted by my blossoming friendship with Devin. He is impossibly quick-witted and fantastically charismatic, adventurous in spirit, and eternally playful. I get the sense that he could communicate with anybody, anywhere, for any amount of time. His long white-blond beard never fails to make me smile, and I am excited for our friendship to grow, because he's one of the humans that I wish to bring my conundrums to, just to see what his brain will do with them.

He's something like your most compassionate therapist, if your therapist were a young handsome Dumbledore proficient in computers who studied improv at Second City for 7 years. If you listen to his podcast, or participate in any of his events, like the Wizarding Hour (a collaboration with Kevin) or the Wizard Walkabout, in which 50 of us took ceremonial gummy bears and went gallivanting about Central Park on 4/20, guided by the Wizard in Person, as well as the Wizard in our Ears — you'll know that Devin has a thing for numbers.

Not for nothin', I also took part in a Sex Magick ritual for his podcast, on 6/9, from 6 to 9pm, with between 6 and 9 people.

His fiancee, L.A. Marks, had me on her poetry podcast, A Daily Dose of Poetry, and last week, told a tale of bisexual discovery at my horizontal storytelling: the summer pride edition.

On their mailbox is written: The Poet and The Wizard… (Can you imagine the Glory of Such a Wedding?!)

Kevin is a musician, a Senior UX Designer, and one of Devin's dear friends. Their friendship has mostly taken place in the ether, in the form of Wizard emails, the record of which form a virtual diary, a correspondence that marks the living of our lives - in much the way, perhaps, that our grandparents wrote to their cousins.

Kevin was formerly the proprietor of Tarot Society, which was a center for the curious to gather in Bushwick and muse about things hidden and obscure. Devin & Kevin used to host a summer series there called New Age & Chill.

I never dropped by when Tarot Society was in existence, so I will have to entice Kevin to give me a reading at a pop-up or a party... His mischievous eyes and delight in getting away with things make me quite curious about the Wizardry of his Tarot.

The day of this recording was the first time I met Kevin, and, since he is a private person by nature, I am grateful that he chose to share, in the service of friendship and intimacy in this way, in this medium, with all of us. Thank you, Kevin.

In this episode, the first half of our conversation, we talk about the origin of the White Collar Wizard emails, middle-school boys and cock-shaming, Devin's first acid trip, in 8th grade, the grand Bohemia of Olympia, Washington, learning that you aren't "supposed to" cum too fast if you have a penis, sleep-sexing, learning about sex by asking a sexual partner, "What is your other sex like?", Devin's Wizard Tinder profile, 80s Penthouse, imprinting on your first porn, Kevin's therapist, Ethical Porn for Dicks, shame-y, judgemental sex, and how some fantasies should just remain fantasies.

In the next episode, 86, the second half of our conversation, Devin and Kevin actually read us some of their private Wizard emails, we discuss what it means to be a present-day Tarot Dealer and a modern Wizard, and Devin tells us the truly incredible — as in, if you saw it in a movie you'd say, "That never happens in real life!" — and the incredibly true tale of how his hair turned Wizard White.

To listen to that episode, and for access to The Full Horizontal, which includes all the part twos plus a monthly video containing a pearl of Intimacy Wisdom, become a patron of the horizontal arts. Patreon is the love child of crowd-funding and a subscription service. Find me there!

In next week's episode, we will be treated to the story of how Devin became a Wizard, and get to hear Devin & Kevin read some of the most pivotal Wizard Emails of their friendship.

This episode was mixed and mastered by Christopher Liang, of Audio Dojo. I'm truly grateful to have him on my team, and have already learned a great deal from him in one week of collaborating! He does Sound Mixing, Editing, and Design as well as original music for TV & Film, and composes under the name Ninjaboy.

My intro music was composed by Alan Markley, who is @plasticcannons on Instagram, and my cover art was designed by Shana Shay, whom you can hire on 99 Designs.

And now, come lie down... between two Wizards.

Usually, our conversation is long, sensual, and languorous, lasting between two and three hours, and when I release it as horizontal with lila, I divide it into two parts— the first half is available in all the podcast places, and the second is available exclusively to my patrons of the horizontal arts.

You can become a patron for access to the Full Horizontal, plus a monthly video of Intimacy Tips, and an invitation to the secret patrons group:

Become a Patron!

My part two episodes always conclude like this: At the end of each conversation, I ask my guest to tell me a story. It can be any story under the broad umbrella of intimacy — in other words, a tale that is related to sex, love, or relationships of any kind. I ask that my guest choose a story they feel deeply compelled to tell me, and trust that it will be the right one: a narrative that others need to hear.

I've had stories of myriad types and tones — stories about the first time ejaculating (episode 2. stuff came out), about friendship and suicide (episode 15. friend death), about having a relationship with a couple (episode 10. his fingers are always hard), about a big freaky wedding (episode 49. bawdy storytelling), etc. As I said. All kinds.

My live event horizontal storytelling, is just these stories, told back-to-back by six different pajama-clad, reclining storytellers. And on this coming Sunday, June 30th, two days from the release of this episode, I'm hosting another one. This time it will the horizontal storytelling pajama party: summer pride edition, and all tales told will be from the lips of LGBTQPIAD storytellers.

LGBTQPIAD stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, Pansexual, Intersex, Asexual, and Demisexual. If you're unfamiliar with any of those terms, check the glossary on horizontalwithlila.com, and while you're there, sign up for the mailing list, so that you'll know about all the events.

This weekend's horizontal storytelling will include tales from folx across the gender and sexuality rainbow, and tickets are sliding scale for anybody in the community — just message me for a personalized discount code. If you are an ally, use the code LILALOVE in all caps, for $5 off.

So... I am broadcasting this quickie episode in honor of Sunday's upcoming event.

This is one of the never-before-released tales from the last horizontal storytelling, held in February 2018!

In this quickie, I lie down with Bill Demeritt.

Bill is a thespian, which means that he spends a large portion of his life pretending to be someone else. Most of the people who do that exceptionally, are gifted with a formidable sense of compassion, and I believe that Bill is no different in that regard.

He performs on stage and screen (you can see him in the Emmy-winning The Normal Heart and Season Two of the acclaimed Vimeo series The Outs). He narrates audiobooks and longform journalism. He studied acting at Marymount Manhattan and the Yale School of Drama. He's currently at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival working on Paula Vogel's play "Indecent."

Bill is charming and game and playful and handsome and nebbishy and a leetle bit nervous, all at the same time.

You can find all things Bill on WilliamDemeritt.com

I first met Bill while doing a live recording of Carol A. Jantsen's Help: a podcast for those who need it, in which an agoraphobe character with self-help aspirations begins to get out in the world.

In Season 2 Episode 1: Lila Donnolo and the Double Date, Carol & I, Bill & Celeste go on a fictional double date in a very real Chinese food restaurant. Bill was cast as my "date," and on the day we recorded, Bill brought me a dozen roses, that's how committed he was to the scene. (I somehow ended up with 11 and they were sort of a consolation prize, but it's fine.)

He's getting married in November, after pulling off one of the most theatrical stage proposals I have ever seen captured on video. Congratulations, Bill. And thank you for showing me how it's done.

In our quickie, Bill tells me a story about pierogis in New York, a callipygous behind, going to Poland for sex (and love), kohana, the word for sweetheart, a romantic trip to Nice, and the Grand Gesture.

And now, join us on Sunday for the next horizontal storytelling…

And come lie down with us at Hacienda Studio in Bushwick, Brooklyn.

* This episode was mixed and mastered by Christopher Liang at audio dojo.

Welcome to horizontal, the podcast about intimacy of all kinds, recorded while lying down, wearing robes. I know I said that Season 3 would be threesomes all season long, but we will still have the occasional dyad, because, sometimes it just works out best that way.

In this episode, I lie down with Steve Dean. Steve Dean is a dating expert, a MmmmEGAConnector, an adventurer, a perpetual nomad, and an event SuperHost. He's the founder of the dating industry consulting firm dateworking (which you can find on dateworking.com). He stewards workshops, dinners, coworking sessions, and massive meetups like the food-court-centered Hygge [HOO-GAH] (which means cozy in Danish).

Steve Dean intentionally dates people from all different parts of the social spectrum, including those he would never introduce to his friends, in order to understand their perspective on the world. I think he's actually an anthropologist at heart, and dating is the Tribe he studies. He's a quintessential participant-observer. His experiences are research. His research is experiential. His brain incessantly crunches data, and relentlessly seeks for the most optimal of the optimal outcomes. I've never met a human machine quite like him.

One week this February, I had the mean blues, and I reached out to my friend Jillian, patron of the podcast, and creator of The Joy List, a weekly compilation of events that one can go to alone, and leave with a new friend. I asked her what she was excited about that week and she rattled off three or so happenings. Then she asked, "How about you?" And I realized that I wasn't excited about anything that week. I had, in essence, nothing to look forward to. So Jillian decided to fix that. She encouraged me to go to Open Brain, a roving salon for art and ideas that takes place in living rooms and public parks and spaces in-between. This was a living room edition. I almost didn't go, I was just feeling so blah. But I eventually dusted off a tango song I used to sing, and showed up.

At Open Brain, two things happened in quick succession: I met a man from San Francisco, Michael, who became my lover, and he invited me along to an after-event hang in a hotel lobby in the Financial District. There I would meet Steve Dean, who was orchestrating the event. Everyone kept saying his name. Nobody said his first name on its own. He was Steve Dean to everyone. Jilian said, "You don't know Steve Dean? Oh. You should know Steve Dean." That clinched it. And so I went along to talk Burning Man with Michael, and meet Steve Dean. When Steve Dean and I met, I told him, "Jillian said that we should know each other." Steve said, "What's your name?" "Lila," I said. "What's your last name?" A bit bemused, I said, "Donnolo." "Yep," said Steve Dean. "We should know each other." And then we talked intimacy, dating, and why teenagers are having less sex these days, until the wee hours.

Because I had recently curated my intimate immersive Valentine's experience at Hacienda Villa, 14 Rooms, Steve consulted me about his love-language-themed townhouse full of intimate encounters, The Love Immersive, set for March 30th, and invited me to be a part of it. Knowing that the environment would be overwhelming — potentially magnificent, but certainly overwhelming, I set up a breather-space. A closet with a cozy mat, blanket, and pillow set-up, like a child's secret hiding spot, with three headsets programmed with an 11-minute audio experience I pre-recorded, about the upper limits problem, catching it in time, and the radical recalibration of rest.

The day of the Love Immersive, Michael was back in town from SF. I hadn't seen him in three weeks, and we had ferocious, pounding sex that soaked all the way through my mattress cover. That night, at the Love Immersive, juiced up and well-fucked and sex-haired and satisfied. I met my current partner, Patrick.

Because Steve Dean is a Superconnector, I'm in the most communicative, loving romantic relationship of my life so far.

In this, the first half of our conversation, we talk about VR World, where Steve met Patrick, my tendency to codependency, Steve's dating habits, whether connection or commitment requires compatibility, optimization the skill of connection, dating across 200 different dating apps, the Sex on Demand app, whether comets are partners, or if they might be growth charts, polyamory as part orientation and part skill-set, how relationships are like start-ups, and the libido-killing cycle that Patrick and I found ourselves in at the outset of our relationship.

In other words, come lie down with us in Chelsea, on the island of Manhattan, New York.

P.S. Cats were drugged in the making of this episode. And by cats I mean: one singular cat. And by drugged I mean: with catnip. Still. I thought it was important to tell you.