Jalwa-e-Mashuq

“The smile is a big cloak which covers a multitude of pains.”

Pujya Shri Hanuman Prasad Poddar (1892-1971) presents the state of ‘Mahabhaav’ in Pad-Ratnakar 472 as-

नहीं चाहती जाने कोई मेरी इस स्थिति की कुछ बात।

Quite similar to this sublime expression, Saint Teresa of Calcutta wrote on April 8, 1957 –

“I want to smile even at Jesus & so hide if possible the pain & the darkness of my soul even from Him.”

A few months later, she said-

“Pray for me, pray that I may have the courage to keep smiling at Jesus. I understand a little the tortures of hell- without God. I have no words to express what I want to say and yet last Friday – knowingly and willingly I offered to Sacred Heart to pass even eternity in this terrible suffering, if this would give Him a little more pleasure. …. – I love Him – not for what He gives – but for what He takes.”    – (September, 1957)

“Sometimes I find myself saying “I can’t bear it any longer” with the same breath I say “I am sorry do with me what you wish.”   -(August, 1959)

In her retreat notes of the year 1959, Mother Teresa noted –

“Before there was so much love & real tenderness for the Sisters and the people- now I feel my heart is made of stone. Sometimes I am even harsh.”

On May 13, 1962 she wrote-

“How cold – how empty- how painful is my heart. – Holy Communion – Holy mass – all the Holy things of spiritual life- of the life of Christ in me- are all so empty- so cold- so unwanted. The physical situation of my poor left in the streets unwanted, unloved, unclaimed are the true picture of my own spiritual life, of my love for Jesus, and yet this terrible pain has never made me desire to have different.- what’s more, I want it to be like this for as long as He wants it.”

The letter dated July 24, 1967 provides the real insight into the above two observations-

“How painful it is to be without Him – how my thoughts are only the Sisters and the Poor. – Is this distraction or are these thoughts the cause of my praying? – They are my prayer they are my very life. – I love them as I love Jesus – and now as I do not love Jesus – I do not love them either. I know this is only feelings – for my will is steadfast bound to Jesus & so to the Sisters and the poor. … –

I love the mass of Sacred Heart for in the words of the offertory reecho the words of 10 September- “Will you do this for me.” This M.C. is only His work. I only accepted to do it for Him- … I am sure that once more He will come – before I die & and I will hear His voice.”

The relatable explanation for this kind of emotional flux in devotion –

https://forbeingalive.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/smrpn.mp3

So, she kept wondering at Him and every time surrendered anew-

“I don’t know what pleasure He can draw from this darkness. – I can’t express but I want it as He wants it. Only pray that I keep up the joy exteriorly. I deceive people with this weapon – even my Sisters. Why I ever spoke to you is a mystery to me – but I know that I could not refuse.”     – (January, 1961)

“I don’t need force myself to be happy or to keep up a smiling face to others. – I am very happy for the good God has given me one big grace – I have surrendered completely – I am at His disposal.”

“He wants to make sure to drain out of me every drop of self- so the darkness is so dark and the pain is so great but in spite of it all – my retreat resolution was the same-

“Sometimes the grip of pain is so great- that I can hear my own voice call out- My God, help me. …- I am just alone – empty – excluded – just not wanted. ..it is so painful to be lonely for God. Faithfully I have kept my retreat resolution- The greater the pain and darker the darkness, the sweeter will be my smile at God.- Pray for me that I may love Jesus.”     – (October, 1961)

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“I know of one means only by which to attain to perfection: LOVE. Let us love, since our heart is made for nothing else. Sometimes I seek another word to express Love, but in this land of exile the word which begins and ends (St. Augustine) is quite incapable of rendering the vibrations of the soul; we must then adhere to this simple and only word: TO LOVE.”

“But on whom shall our poor heart lavish its love? Who shall be found that is great enough to be the recipient of its treasures? Will a human being know how to comprehend them, and above all will he be able to repay? There exists but one Being capable of comprehending love; it is Jesus; He alone can give us back infinitely more than we shall ever give to Him.”

-Saint Thérèse’s letter to her cousin, Marie Guerin  

“Love!…that is what I ask…I know but one thing now – to love Thee, O Jesus! Glorious deeds are not for me, I cannot preach the Gospel, shed my blood…

How shall I show my love is proved by deeds? Well – the little child will strew flowers…she will embalm the Divine Throne with their fragrance, will sing with silvery voice the canticle of love.

Yes, my Beloved, it is thus that my life’s brief day shall be spent before Thee. No other means have I of proving my love than to strew flowers; that is, to let no little sacrifice escape me, not a look, not a word, to avail of the very least actions and do them for Love. I wish to suffer for Love’s sake and for Love’s sake even to rejoice; thus shall I strew flowers. Not one shall I find without shedding its petals for Thee…and then I will sing, I will always sing, even if I must gather my roses in the very midst of thorns – and the longer and sharper the thorns the sweeter shall be my song.”

-Story of A Soul, Chapter XI

“I beg of Jesus to draw me into the flames of His love, to unite me so closely to Himself that He may live and act in me.”

Source-https://www.littleflower.org/therese/words-of-st-therese/love-of-god

A Sufi similarly conveys about ‘perfect love’ as –

https://forbeingalive.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/08/perfection.mp3

-Sh Vinod ji Agarwal

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In continuity with the previous post, the relatable Sufi expression-

ऐ मेरे प्राण प्रियतम,

https://forbeingalive.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/shaan-shaukat.mp3

-Shri Vinod Ji Agarwal

The prayer of St.Ignatius of Loyola is the best fit translation of the above written lines –

Take and receive O Lord my liberty,

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“As long as Our lord has all the pleasure I really do not count.”

Mother Teresa addressed Jesus again on September 3, 1959 :

Part of my confession of today

कई जतन करके देख लिए, आशा की कली नहीं खिलती।

The work holds no joy, no attraction, no zeal… I do my best- I spend myself – but I have no faith now. – I don’t believe. –

जीने को तो हूं जी रही प्यारे तेरे बगैर भी

Jesus , don’t let my soul be deceived – nor let me deceive anyone. In the call you said that I would have to suffer much. – ten years- my Jesus , You have done to me according to Your will – and Jesus hear my prayer – if this pleases You – if my pain and suffering – my darkness and separation gives You a drop of consolation- my own Jesus do with me as you wish- as long as You wish, without a single glance at my feelings and pain. I am Your own. Imprint on my soul and life the sufferings of Your Heart. Don’t mind my feelings. – don’t mind even my pain. If my separation from You – brings others to You and in their love and company You find joy and pleasure- why Jesus, I am willing with all my heart to suffer all that I suffer – not only now – but for all eternity – if this was possible. To your happiness is all that I want. -For the rest –  please do not take the trouble – even if You see me faint with pain. – All is my will. – .. don’t allow me to do You wrong in any way- take from me the power of hurting you. – ……. 

मुझे बेकरार रख कर मेरे दिल में बसने वाले

Despite her willingness to suffer the pain of separation, her anxiety to fully possess Jesus and relish the sweetness of His union continued tormenting her. She attributed all to her own impurities:

He is the master- He can dispose of me as it pleases Him alone- I no  longer count- and yet it hurts so much.- Today I read something in Abbot Marmion, Suffering with Christ: “when the fire (God’s love) comes into contact with imperfection, it produces sufferings.” There must be so much of nothingness in me and so this fire causes so much pain… Pray for me.     – (March 30, 1966)

Father Brian Kolodiejchuk, MC explains it in the first Chapter of his book, ‘Come be My light’ as ‘night of the spirit’-

A state of extreme aridity and one feels rejected and abandoned by God. The experience can become so intense that one feels as if heading towards eternal perdition. It is even more excruciating because one wants only God and loves Him greatly but is unable to recognize one’s love for Him. The virtues of faith, hope and charity are severely tried. Prayer is difficult, almost impossible; spiritual counsel practically of no avail. By means of this painful purification, the disciple is led to total detachment from all created things and to a lofty degree of union with God, becoming a fitting instrument in His hands.

Hindu saints too put forward the same theory –

https://forbeingalive.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/fire.mp3

– Shri Vinod ji Agarwal

ये जनाब मोहब्बत का क्या खूब सिला देते हैं,

आग प्रचंड चले वो कुछ ऐसी हवा देते हैं।

होगा नहीं ज़माने में कोई ऐसा दूसरा तबीब

मर्ज़ बस बढ़ता ही जाए वो जो दवा देते है . . .

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“There is such a deep loneliness in my heart that I can not express it.- I find it harder and harder to speak. How long will our Lord stay away?”

Saint Teresa of Calcutta wrote these words to Archbishop of Calcutta on January 21, 1955 and on March 27, 1956 she said-

“Please pray for me, that it may please God to lift the darkness from my soul for only a few days. For sometimes the agony of desolation is so great and at the same time the longing for the absent one so deep.”  

Her prayer was somehow answered and she shared on November 16, 1958-

“Our lord thought it better for me to be in the tunnel- so He has gone again- leaving me alone.- I am grateful to Him for the month of love He gave me.”

The book ‘Come be my light’ refers to this experience of Mother Teresa as an ‘oasis in the desert’ and for this the Sufi says –

https://forbeingalive.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/sehra.mp3

Hence, she wrote a paper a few months later addressing Jesus. I can’t help relating its content (with all due respect) to what Braj rasiks too have felt –

[ Matter of confession

कब से पुकारता है दिल कोई भी तो सुनता नहीं,

I have no faith. – I dare not utter the words & thoughts that crowd my heart – and make me suffer untold agony. So many unanswered questions live within me – I am afraid to uncover them- because of the blasphemy. – If there be God, please forgive me.- Trust that all will end in Heaven with Jesus.-  …..  

रुसवा न हो तेरा दर चुप चाप मैं रहा हूं

I am told God loves me – and yet the reality of darkness & coldness & emptiness is so great that nothing touches my soul. – Before the work started- there was so much union- love – faith- trust- prayer- sacrifice.- Did I make a mistake in surrendering blindly to the call of the Sacred Heart? The work is no a doubt- because I am convinced that it is His not mine.-

रहा झूमता खुशी से तूंने जब था अपना माना,

The whole time smiling. – Sisters and people pass such remarks. – They think my trust & love are filling my very being & that the intimacy with God and union to His will must be absorbing my heart. – Could they but know – and how my cheerfulness is the cloak by which I cover the emptiness and misery.

लोग कहें यह तेरी चाकर जबकि मैं तो दर्शन को ललचात,

In spite of all- this darkness & emptiness is not as painful as the longing for God.- The contradiction I fear will unbalance me. – What are You doing my God to one so small? …….]

So, for the love of the Supreme Soul (Parmatma), it has been coherently concluded by various religions –

“God seems to hide Himself for a while. That may be painful and if it lasts long it becomes a martyrdom. The little flower passed through like the great Saint Teresa of Avila did and we may say most if not all the saints.” – (Words of Archbishop Prier quoted in Ch. 8, Come be my light)

मर गए दिल की लगी वाले यां दिवाने हुए,

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“For I am only His- so He has every right over me. I am perfectly happy to be nobody even to God.” 

A few more excerpts from the writings of Mother Teresa –

“I am longing – with a painful longing to be all for God. – The more I want Him- the less I am wanted.-  …  – I am not complaining – I only want to go all the way with Christ. … – If you tell me to continue like this till the end of my life I am ready to obey cheerfully. . . Please pray for me – that I may draw very close to God”      – (February, 1956)

“He is destroying everything in me. – But as I hold no claim on myself – He is free to do anything. Pray for me that I keep smiling at Him.”   – (January, 1957)

“I have found real happiness in suffering, but the pain is sometimes unbearable. – … – Pray that I may love God with a love with which He has never been loved before. – What a foolish desire.”        – (June, 1958)

“Pray for me that I may not spoil His work and I may forget myself completely in that absolute surrender to God’s Holy will. – I do not know how deeper will this trial go – how much pain and suffering it will bring to me.- this does not worry me anymore. I leave this to Him as I leave everything else…. The darkness- the loneliness & pain- the lose & the emptiness- of faith – love- trust- these are I all I have and in all simplicity I offer them to God.”      – (April, 1959)

“All these years I have only wanted one thing – to know and do the will of God. And now even in this hard and deep darkness – I keep on wanting only that. The rest He has taken all –  and I think, He has destroyed everything in me….”   – (September, 1959)

I can fully relate these mystic feelings to what a Sakhi from Vrindavan says-

सीख लिया है मैंने प्यारे तुम से दूर रहना

https://forbeingalive.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/pathar-n-2.mp3

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The above said statement of Mother Teresa laid the foundation of her relationship with God.  As she believed herself to be merely a pencil in the hands of Jesus Christ, her endeavor as a Missionary of Charity demonstrated the art of ‘action without activity’, which is the ultimate goal of Yoga and Sanyasa-

“I wonder at His great humility and my smallness- nothingness- I believe this is where Jesus and I meet. He is everything to me and I –His own little one- so helpless- so empty- so small. – I let Him have His way- I know that I am being used –…”    –  (May 29, 1976)

“We are not social workers. We are contemplatives in the heart of the world. We are 24 hours a day with Jesus.”    – (Speech in Rome, December 20, 1979)

“The moment you accept, the moment you surrender yourself, that’s the conviction. … If uncertainty remains that’s the time to go on your knees, eh? . . .  Once you have got God within you, that’s for life. There is no doubt. .. but even God could do nothing for someone already full. You have to be completely empty to let Him in to do what He will. That’s the most beautiful part of God, eh? Being Almighty and yet not forcing Himself on anyone.”    – (Mother Teresa: her people and her work, by Desmond Doig)

Nevertheless, she encountered a baffling paradox in her own diagram of nothingness and emptiness.  Regarding the MC work, she remained convinced throughout about His active presence –

“Conviction of my nothingness has made the work & the whole society completely His. He will do still greater things if He finds somebody more nothing than I. I will be happy, very happy to be free- and to be just a simple sister in the Community- after nearly thirty five years. ……-  I am longing to be only all for Jesus- through Mary, a simple MC.”    -(16 September 1985)

But for personal life, she was experiencing an unexpected absence of her beloved Jesus inside her. The letter dated March 18, 1953 carried its mention, probably for the first time-

“Your grace, Please pray for me that I may not spoil His work and Our Lord may show Himself – for there is such terrible darkness within me, as if everything was dead. It has been like this more or less from the time I started the ‘work.”

Excerpts from a few of her letters written after this-

“I must have been so very full of self all these years- since God is taking so long to empty me.- I hope one day when I am fully empty He comes.”   – (February, 1963)

“How terribly empty my soul is – but I am not afraid. He has done marvels for me – Holy is His name. –  Pray for me that in this darkness I do not light my own light – nor fill this emptiness with my self.- I want with my whole will only Jesus.”      – (July, 1967)

As she kept anxiously waiting for His return, some piece of spiritual text would at times provide her a basis to relate her own condition to-  “I read something beautiful in Br. Benito S.J. life – There would come a time when God will fill what He had emptied.”

“Even God seemed to elude him… God hid behind His gift of frustration , and emptiness. Was God hostile too? … Impossible. God was just, whatever His designs for desolate souls. There would be a time when He would fill what He had emptied, of this Benito was certain even though he couldn’t see the hope of it. The darkness of night would be dispelled by the flashes of God’s mercy.”

– (Come be my light, Ch. 9, end note 9)

So, it was all His devised plan to actually fill her up with nothing but His passion. My mentor explains the same as a divine process by which the Supreme Soul unites with a surrendered soul-

https://forbeingalive.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/empty-f.mp3

– Shri Vinod ji Agarwal

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“I pray for the things to come out in such a way – so as He would have all the pleasure, all the glory.”

[During the year very often I have been longing to be all for Jesus. I thought it was one of my many mad desires. … How can I? I have been and am very happy as Loreto Nun. To leave that what I love and expose myself to new labours and sufferings which will be great, to cling to and choose deliberately the hard things of Indian life- to cling to and choose loneliness and ignominy, uncertainty- and all because Jesus wants it- because something is calling me “to leave all and gather the few- to live His life – to do His work in India.” These thoughts were a cause of much suffering- but the voice kept on saying “wilt thou refuse.”

I tried to persuade our Lord that I would try to become a very fervent holy Loreto nun, a real victim but the answer came very clear again.

“I want Indian Missionary sisters of Charity who would be My fire of love amongst the very poor- the sick- the dying- the little street children. … ” 

These words or rather this voice frightened me. I prayed long – I prayed so much- I asked our mother Mary to ask Jesus to remove all this from me. The more I prayed- the clearer grew the voice in my heart and so I prayed that He would do with me whatever He wanted. Pray for me that I would become a religious according to His heart.]

This was the first letter (January 13, 1947) that Mother Teresa addressed to the Archbishop of Calcutta about the Divine call she received on 10 September, 1946. She had expected an affirmative response to quickly come from her spiritual directors but it took her more than twenty months to receive the much needed ‘go ahead’.

“I find that if the work begins- there will be plenty of sufferings for me. – As I am, I am very happy and here especially – but Our Lord does not stop calling. – I have tried to stop these thoughts – but without any fruit. – I know everybody will speak against. – …. Now, I am His, only His – and I have given Him everything. – So if you say give up all thoughts, I shall try to obey.”

– (January 25, 1947)

This whole correspondence reveals the depth of her passion to immolate herself for her beloved Jesus as she wrote to the archbishop on March 30, 1947-

From my superiors down, I know they will laugh at me. They will think me of a fool, proud, mad etc. What if good God wants my name? I am His and His only- the rest has no hold on me. I can do without all the rest if I have Him. Fear not for me- nor for those who will join me- He will look after us. He will be with us. ….. He will do all. I, I am only a little instrument in His hands.

Quite contrary to her anticipation, she was asked to ‘drop it for all eternity’. It was a dual trial for her as she considered every yes or no of her superiors as will of God only. She admitted after a couple of months –

“You told me not to think of the work.- Whenever the thoughts used to burn me with the longing to offer all – to be His victim in every word – I used to do violence to myself – and begged Him not to let those thoughts come because I wanted to obey – and like a Little Lamb, He uses to obey too. How often, how very often He complained of delays..”

Her fervor for Jesus compelled her to keep pleading-

“The life I want to live with my sisters, I know, will be a difficult one – both for European and Indian sisters. But nothing is difficult to one who loves. Who can outdo God in His generosity- if we poor human beings give Him everything and surrender our whole being to His service? – No- He is sure to stand by us, and with us, as everything in us will be His.”    – (October 19, 1947)

“Forgive this child of Yours- who is longing with many desires to give up all to God. …… I am terribly unworthy of the many graces He has given me all these years, without any merit of mine, but please tell me, does the good God give these desires and not mean them to come true? It is now over one year that they came, they have increased with every Holy Mass and Holy Communion. Let me begin the life to which Our Lord is calling me.- Let me offer myself for the work He has chosen for me.”   – (November 7, 1947)

The letter dated December 3, 1947 presents an additional account of Jesus’ forceful calling and her submission-

“My own little one- come-come-carry me into the holes of the poor. – Come be My light – I cannot go alone- they don’t know Me – so they don’t want me. You come- go amongst them, carry Me with you.- How I long to enter their holes – their dark unhappy homes. Come be their victim. – In your immolation – in your love for Me- they will see Me, know me, want me.

I answered – You know Jesus I am ready to go at a moment’s notice.

Why all this come to me- the most unworthy of His creatures- I do not know – and I have tried so often to persuade Our Lord, to go and seek another soul, a more generous- a stronger one, but He seems to take pleasure in my confusion, in my weakness. – …… Now I do not fear, I leave myself completely in His Hands. He can dispose of me as He wishes.-

The way her spirit of surrender got stronger in that tough while of waiting, compels me to copy here a devotional song in Hindi (from an unknown source)-

तेरी शान तेरे जलाल को मैंने जब से दिल में बसा लिया।

मेरी हार तेरी ही हार है, मेरी जीत तेरी ही जीत है।

मुझे धूप छांव का गम नहीं, तेरे कांटे फूलों से कम नहीं।

तेरी आस ही मेरी आस है, तेरी धूल मेरा लिबास है।

तेरी रहमतें बेहिसाब हैं, करूं किस जुबां से मैं शुक्रिया।

मेरे सर पे साया है श्याम का, बस यह तसल्ली की बात है।

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“I want Him to have all the pleasure. I, little nothing, long to take away all the suffering from His heart.”

“If you could know how happy I am, as Jesus’ little spouse. No one, not even those who are enjoying some happiness which in The world seems perfect, could I envy, because I am enjoying my complete happiness, even when I suffer something for my beloved spouse.”     

On the occasion of making her first profession of vows in 1931, Saint Teresa of Calcutta said these words to a friend. As she got permission for her final vows, she sent home (Skopje) a message on February 8, 1937-

“Before crosses used to frighten me- I used to get goose bumps at the thought of suffering- but now I embrace suffering even before it actually comes, and like this Jesus and I live in love.    ….. …..  Do not think that my spiritual life is strewn with roses- that is the flower which I hardly ever find on my way. Quite the contrary, I have more often as my companion ‘darkness’. And when the night becomes very thick and it seems to me as if i will end up in hell – then I simply offer myself to Jesus. If He wants me to go there- I am ready – but only the condition that it really makes Him happy. I need much grace, much of Christ’s strength to persevere in trust, in that blind love which leads only to Jesus Crucified. But I am happy- happier than ever. And I would not wish at any price to give up my sufferings.    
But do not, however, think that I am only suffering. Ah no- I am laughing more than I am suffering – so that some have concluded that I am Jesus’ spoiled bride, who lives with Jesus in Nazareth- far away from Calvary… Pray, pray much for me- I really need His love.   ……. I desire to become humble and humiliations are my sweetest sweets.”   

“He has been always so infinitely good towards me – as if He wanted to insure the possession of my heart for Himself …. Now I really rejoice when something does not go as I wish – because I see that He wants our trust.

I want to be all for my Jesus- truly and not only by name and dress. Many times this goes upside down – so my most reverend “I” gets the most important place. Always the same proud Gonda. Only one thing is different- my love for Jesus- I would give everything, even life for Him. It sounds nice but in reality it is not so easy. And just that I want, that it not be easy. ….. Everything is for Jesus; so like that everything is beautiful, even though it is difficult.”

– (November 25, 1937)

Indeed, the most practical endowment of any religion is the grace to make us cheerfully accept ‘not so good’ situations in life. I feel I can relate Mother Teresa’s Heavenly feelings to the following devotional plea-

कहीं खोटा न रह जाऊं तपा कर देखते रहना,

कभी विश्वास में मेरे शिथिलता आ नहीं जाए,

जगत की वासनाओं में न लिप्त हो जाए मन मेरा,

मेरे इन आंसुओं की लड़ी में प्रतिबिंब है तेरा,

तेरे नाम पर ही मैं ज़हर को अमृत समझता हूं,

-Shri Vinod Ji Agarwal

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