Joyful Courage for Parenting Teens

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How we influence the iceberg

 Clients come to me to talk about kids behavior

• Battles over homework
• Power struggles
• Screen time addiction
• Getting out the door
  • We are mega focused on fixing those problems

The iceberg- behavior we see is a solution to a problem that we may or may not know about

Example that we played with a few weeks ago in parenting class:

Child won’t get ready to go in the morning and family is late getting out the door

• Two options for response:
  • What do I have to do to this kid to get her to cooperate?
    • Bribes, threats, punishments
  • What is happening for this child that is getting in the way?

 Go to the source

• Tell me about the mornings…. I notice that…. How are you feeling…..
• With new information you can make a plan together to support the child (and you)n in doing better

Transparency

• Rowan talking about the future
  • Agitated, closed off, defensive
  • Often my response is irritated that she cant “have” the convo
  • We both are discouraged and the convo is over
• Maybe I am engaging the wrong conversation
  • Helpful to know what shows up for her when the invitation is to talk about future
  • What is the experience?
  • IS it only with me or others?
  • Might there be a benefit to talking with someone else if not me?
  • What would be useful about having a vision of the future?
    • Deeper even still
    • I notice when this is the conversation you….. I am curious about that? How does it feel when…..?

 Sometimes our kids refuse to go there….

• How do we let go?
• What do they need?
• Recognizing/acknowledging our tendency to hold on/get rigid/ let fear or our agenda drive us….
• Mutual respect – respect for child and for self and the situation
• Honor who they are and their temperament
  • I am ALL IN, lets go deep and swirl around and grow and learn and be super transparent and get it all out – don’t hold back. I process out loud and in the moment…. This is not the way of everyone, def not my daughter.

 Summing it up:

• Recognize how we are contributing to challenges
• Own it, and get curious about your child’s experience.
• Identify the ACTUAL problem
• Be an open, nonjudgmental listener
• Look for solutions (related respectful reasonable helpful)
• Be respectful
• Honor who you child is in word and action

Before I go….

I have a really exciting update on my BOOK!!

Joyful Courage: Calming the drama and taking control of your parenting journey

This is all about how to show up as a Joyful Courage parent so that you have better access tot eh tools you need in hot parenting moments – tools that are helpful and maintain connection with your child. 

Presale is April 10th – as many of you as possible buying presale would be FABULOUS. I am going to have some special bonuses TBD for my presale buyers.

Official launch date is May 20th – OMG – so so exciting!!!

The best way to stay up to date on the book news is to join my newsletter list, if you haven’t already.  Sign up at www.joyfulcourage.com/join

Thank you to everyone that has been so encouraging on this journey!!!  I appreciate you and we are ALMOST THERE!!!!

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Buy the Parenting Teen Audio Summit!

The Parenting Teens With Positive Discipline Audio Summit is a deep dive into the messiness of parenting through the teen years and beyond. Each of the featured guests speaks candidly from both their wisdom as parent educators, as well as their real life experience of raising their own teens.

Check it out – www.joyfulcourage.com/teensummit

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Be a Subscriber

Make sure to SUBSCRIBE to the Joyful Courage Podcast on Apple Podcast to get the latest shows STRAIGHT to your device!!  AND PLEASE rate and review the Joyful Courage Parenting Podcast to help me spread the show to an ever-larger audience!!

CLICK HERE to watch a video that shows up how to subscribe with your iPhone!

Today’s guest is Sid Garza-Hillman, who is a podcaster and youtuber. He's the author of Approaching the Natural: A Health Manifesto and Raising Healthy Parents, Small Steps, Less Stress and a Thriving Family. Sid graduated from UCLA with a BA in philosophy and is a public speaker, certified nutritionist and Small Steps Coach. He teaches people around the world his unique small steps approach to healthy living at www.smallsteppers.com. His latest podcast, What Sid Thinks is currently available on iTunes. Sid is the Wellness Programs Director at the Stanford Inn Eco Resort. He's an ultra runner and race director for the Mendocino coast 50k trail ultra marathon. Join us!

"However you want to parent, you can't pull that off unless you're feeling good in your life”

“If we can sort of tip the scales in our favor most of the time, then we win the day”

“We are not robots. Our kids aren't robots. We're humans with human emotions and experiences and lenses and it's just so messy.”

“If we can really focus on how we be and how we show up, that's going to inspire, inform, empower and influence what we do.”

“Maybe the perfect version of the human being is one that that is about self care and compassion and has a core of ethic that informs their actions most of the time. ”

“Who am I at my best?”

“You've been defining yourself by how you've been in the external world, when that's been in complete conflict with actually what you stand for and what you value.”

What you’ll hear in this episode:

Resources:

Raising Healthy Parents: Small Steps, Less Stress and a Thriving Family

Approaching the Natural: A Health Manifesto

Small Steppers

Where to find Sid:

Website

What Sid Thinks Podcast

Youtube

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Join the Joyful Courage Tribe in our community Facebook group - Live and Love with Joyful Courage.  Raising our children while growing ourselves...

:::::

Today’s guest is Sid Garza-Hillman, who is a podcaster and youtuber. He's the author of Approaching the Natural: A Health Manifesto and Raising Healthy Parents, Small Steps, Less Stress and a Thriving Family. Sid graduated from UCLA with a BA in philosophy and is a public speaker, certified nutritionist and Small Steps Coach. He teaches people around the world his unique small steps approach to healthy living at www.smallsteppers.com. His latest podcast, What Sid Thinks is currently available on iTunes. Sid is the Wellness Programs Director at the Stanford Inn Eco Resort. He's an ultra runner and race director for the Mendocino coast 50k trail ultra marathon. Join us!

"However you want to parent, you can't pull that off unless you're feeling good in your life”

“If we can sort of tip the scales in our favor most of the time, then we win the day”

“We are not robots. Our kids aren't robots. We're humans with human emotions and experiences and lenses and it's just so messy.”

“If we can really focus on how we be and how we show up, that's going to inspire, inform, empower and influence what we do.”

“Maybe the perfect version of the human being is one that that is about self care and compassion and has a core of ethic that informs their actions most of the time. ”

“Who am I at my best?”

“You've been defining yourself by how you've been in the external world, when that's been in complete conflict with actually what you stand for and what you value.”

What you’ll hear in this episode:

• Breaking old patterns and habits - managing expectations
• The knowledge and implementation gap
• Small Stepping - what is it and what does
• Are poor choices your problem or your solution?
• Finding ways to manage stress and making choices to increase the likelihood of success
• Dissipating stress - making healthier choices to do so
• Setting the stage for actual change vs relying on willpower
• Identifying who you are as a parent
• Reminding yourself of who you are
• Change as a process of coming into alignment with who you really are
• Mistakes as a way to model the human experience
• Dealing with making mistakes with your kids
• What is a small step?
• The Goldilocks effect of stress - what is it and how do you find it??
• The value of outside interests in parenting and relationships
• The role of joy in how you show up as a parent
• Finding 10 minute pockets of joy and what to fill it with
• The role of self care in our attitude towards parenting

What does Joyful Courage mean to you?

I would say even people who listen to your podcast, I would say people who, who are even thinking about making improvements as a parent, there was a huge, to me, an inspiring level of courage there that we are saying in the midst of a very challenging world, that's all I'm sure has always been challenging, but we always think this is the most challenging, but for whatever reasons it seems challenging. Yet in spite of that and in spite of the things we read on the news about horrible things that happen in schools and all these kinds of things, in spite of that we're showing up and we're taking our kids and we're doing the best we can and we want to do better. And there's an amazing amount of courage in that simply that decision then to take that further and say, I not only want it, but I want to do it is again, it actually is courageous in the real true meaning of the word. Where I see joyful part of that is to me, my interpretation of that is that it is all to the end of joy, it is all to the end of we do this because we love our kids and we do this because we want to have a meaningful life. And that includes raising families, for many people. And you know, the most meaningful thing for me is raising my children and like we talked about before, you know, letting them see my flaws and letting and my wife letting them see her flaws and understanding there's a certain beauty in that and a joy in that and growing strong kids to be okay with their flaws is just awesome. So anyway, that's where I see joyful courage.

Resources:

Raising Healthy Parents: Small Steps, Less Stress and a Thriving Family

Approaching the Natural: A Health Manifesto

Small Steppers

Where to find Sid:

Website

What Sid Thinks Podcast

Youtube

:::::

Buy the Parenting Teen Audio Summit!

The Parenting Teens With Positive Discipline Audio Summit is a deep dive into the messiness of parenting through the teen years and beyond. Each of the featured guests speaks candidly from both their wisdom as parent educators, as well as their real life experience of raising their own teens.

Check it out – www.joyfulcourage.com/teensummit

:::::

Be a Subscriber

Make sure to SUBSCRIBE to the Joyful Courage Podcast on Apple Podcast to get the latest shows STRAIGHT to your device!!  AND PLEASE rate and review the Joyful Courage Parenting Podcast to help me spread the show to an ever-larger audience!!

CLICK HERE to watch a video that shows up how to subscribe with your iPhone!

Screens

Why?

Today I am going to share and inquiry from my own experience – not because I know the way, or I have it all figured out, but because I am IN IT with you.

Here are some of the pain points I am hearing from the community AND experiencing myself:

Let’s check in with the kids:

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Join the Joyful Courage Tribe in our community Facebook group - Live and Love with Joyful Courage.  Raising our children while growing ourselves...

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Snowy February in Washington state – wowzer!

Today I am talking about screens and technology

Exciting news- Lisa Damour, author of Untangled and new book Under Pressure: Confronting the epidemic of stress and anxiety in girls

• Big deal
• How I get guests
• How many say no

My book has a launch date!!

• Presale April 10th
• Official Launch May 20th
• Join newsletter to keep up with all of the book news and the incentives I am putting together for those of you that choose into presale
  • Just go to joyfulcourage.com/join

iTunes Reviews!!!

• From January, a five star review from @chrisnjess – “I found you through Birds and bees and kids and as your podcast began, it was as if you were speaking from my own mothering journey. I feel as if you are another angel in my continuing mothering journey. I found your podcast episode bery insightful, information, and affirming. I am tuning in!!
  • Thank you @chrisnjess!!!! And you all know how much I love Amy Lang from Birds and Bees and kids – did you know she started a podcast too? It’s called “Just say this” - Check it out on itunes or wherever you are listening to podcasts
• The podcast also received a five star review earlier this month from @urfmama – “ Casey is like my long lost sister that I’ve never met. Like minded is an understatement. When I was feeling down with my mothering I searched “positive Discipline” in podcasts and eureka! Joyful Courage appeared like a bright star in the dark night. I eat this podcast up, I tell every parent I know about it. I find myself nodding while I listen as I do my housework. I feel like my hand is being held and I ‘m gently being led through this incredibly strategic yet unpredictable “chess game” of parenting. Do yourself a favor and soak in the wisdom that Joyful Courage so generously shares. Thank you, Casey, much love from the heartland.”
  • THANK YOU @URFMAMA – one day, one day our paths will cross.

• YES! Thank you to everyone that is jumping into itunes to leave reviews – this helps with my visibility – meaning more people are likely to find me – and it also just FEELS SO GOOD to read and know that what I am doing over here in the guest room of my house MATTERS.

Ok….  On to todays content.

Screens

Why?

• It is coming up in the Joyful Courage Parents of Teens community, it is coming up in calls with clients, it is coming up in my own life and practice with my kids
• FOR CERTAIN: it is a big pain in the ass

Today I am going to share and inquiry from my own experience – not because I know the way, or I have it all figured out, but because I am IN IT with you.

• Remember last April when I had Dr. Delaney Runston on and we talked about her documentary, Screenagers? There are so many pearls of wisdom and research in my convo with her – be sure to listen or relisten - http://www.joyfulcourage.com/podcast/140
• I also had a powerful conversation with one of my colleagues, a positive discipline Lead trainer, about this during the teen summit, which is available to invest in through the end of this month at joyfulcourage.com/teensummit
• I spoke with Kim Muench about this back in episode 82 – Parenting in the Age of Smart phones…
• Plus, it has come up in loads of other conversations
• IT’S NOT GOING AWAY

Here are some of the pain points I am hearing from the community AND experiencing myself:

• Limits and boundaries
• How much to monitor
• Broken agreements
• The arguing
• The internet is forever
• How will they develop real relationship skills when everything is over text/IM/Snaps
• Online/SM bullying
• Sexting/nudes
• How much time is too much time to be on their phones
• How to be the lone parents who waits to get their child a phone
• How to support kids with friends when they don’t have SM/phones
• Restricting what they do/see on their devices
• Begin real and honest about our OWN (parents) phone use
• Using devices as avoidance/escape

Let’s check in with the kids:

• How did you feel about making agreements about screens?
• What is your experience with social media?
• What do you not like about the phone and SM? What kinds of things do you see happening?
• Where do you feel like it gets in the way of life? Or do you?
• What do you like about it?
• How do you feel about me when I am on your case about your phone use?
• What do you see me modeling with my phone use?
• You have some restrictions on your phone – is that helpful?

:::::

Buy the Parenting Teen Audio Summit!

The Parenting Teens With Positive Discipline Audio Summit is a deep dive into the messiness of parenting through the teen years and beyond. Each of the featured guests speaks candidly from both their wisdom as parent educators, as well as their real life experience of raising their own teens.

Check it out – www.joyfulcourage.com/teensummit

:::::

Be a Subscriber

Make sure to SUBSCRIBE to the Joyful Courage Podcast on Apple Podcast to get the latest shows STRAIGHT to your device!!  AND PLEASE rate and review the Joyful Courage Parenting Podcast to help me spread the show to an ever-larger audience!!

CLICK HERE to watch a video that shows up how to subscribe with your iPhone!

Today’s guest is Oren Jay Sofer, the author of Say What You Mean - A Mindful Approach to Non-Violent Communication. He leads retreats and workshops on mindful communication at meditation centres and education settings around the US. Oren is a graduate of the IMS Spirit Rock teacher training program. He holds a degree in comparative religion from Columbia University, teaches in the Insight Meditation community and is a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner and a certified trainer of non-violent communication. Oren creates mindfulness training programs for a number of organizations including Mindful Schools, Kaiser Permanente, and 10% Happier. He lives in Richmond, California. Join us!

"If we can’t actually listen to each other and have a meaningful conversation when we disagree, it’s impossible to work together to address the challenges that we’re facing”

“We can’t wait for the opportunities where presence is needed to practice presence.”

“Even when we can't meet our child's needs we can help them to know and recognize that their needs matter to us.”

“Our feelings are a reflection of our needs.”

What you’ll hear in this episode:

Resources:

Say What You Mean book

Parenting From Your Heart: Sharing the Gifts of Compassion, Connection, and Choice (Nonviolent Communication Guides)

Text “guided” 44222 to sign up for a short ebook and free guided meditation series

Where to find Oren:

Website

Instagram

Facebook

Twitter

LinkedIn

Youtube

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Join the Joyful Courage Tribe in our community Facebook group - Live and Love with Joyful Courage.  Raising our children while growing ourselves...

:::

Today’s guest is Oren Jay Sofer, the author of Say What You Mean - A Mindful Approach to Non-Violent Communication. He leads retreats and workshops on mindful communication at meditation centres and education settings around the US. Oren is a graduate of the IMS Spirit Rock teacher training program. He holds a degree in comparative religion from Columbia University, teaches in the Insight Meditation community and is a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner and a certified trainer of non-violent communication. Oren creates mindfulness training programs for a number of organizations including Mindful Schools, Kaiser Permanente, and 10% Happier. He lives in Richmond, California. Join us!

"If we can’t actually listen to each other and have a meaningful conversation when we disagree, it’s impossible to work together to address the challenges that we’re facing”

“We can’t wait for the opportunities where presence is needed to practice presence.”

“Even when we can't meet our child's needs we can help them to know and recognize that their needs matter to us.”

“Our feelings are a reflection of our needs.”

What you’ll hear in this episode:

• Being in response vs reaction
• Communication as a way of navigating conflict mindfully
• 3 foundations for successful conversations and effective communication
• The role of presence in communication
• The ambient stress of raising a child
• Owning our responses in times of stress
• Exercising self-compassion in relation to parenting-related stress
• Integrating moments of awareness into your day
• Creating daily rituals into mindfulness
• Mindfulness as a way to mitigate cumulative stress
• Mindfulness as a way to be present in our relationships
• Mindfulness as awareness and a way to raise our baseline kindness and presence
• Preparing for parenting with mindfulness through practicing
• Practice as a way of creating a new way of being
• Creating awareness of the impact of our actions on others
• Discussing our needs instead of blame
• Being realistic about our ability to meet all of our child’s needs
• Intention in communication and mindfulness
• Approaching communication from a place of curiosity and care
• Curiosity as a way of being
• The need for intention to be genuine
• Feelings of a reflection of needs
• Increasing emotional literacy to enhance communication
• Helping children to problem solve as an alternative to “consequences”
• Connecting before correcting
• Conflict as an opportunity for learning
• Where to start when you realize you need to improve your communication
• Learning to pause, be curious and consider the needs of others
• Connection through perspective shift

What does Joyful Courage mean to you?

So I think what joyful courage means to me is it's rooted in the recognition that the places that we struggle, the places that we're scared of the places that we feel pain actually hold the precious gift of our own freedom and when we recognize that having the courage to turn towards those places and to actually include them in our life and learn from them becomes a process that's joyful because we know why we're doing it. It's not just about “I've got to trudge through this” but we've experienced to some degree and have a deep faith that there's there's actually a gift waiting for me on the other side.

Resources:

Say What You Mean book

Parenting From Your Heart: Sharing the Gifts of Compassion, Connection, and Choice (Nonviolent Communication Guides)

Text “guided” 44222 to sign up for a short ebook and free guided meditation series

Where to find Oren:

Website

Instagram

Facebook

Twitter

LinkedIn

Youtube

:::::

Buy the Parenting Teen Audio Summit!

The Parenting Teens With Positive Discipline Audio Summit is a deep dive into the messiness of parenting through the teen years and beyond. Each of the featured guests speaks candidly from both their wisdom as parent educators, as well as their real life experience of raising their own teens.

Check it out – www.joyfulcourage.com/teensummit

:::::

Be a Subscriber

Make sure to SUBSCRIBE to the Joyful Courage Podcast on Apple Podcast to get the latest shows STRAIGHT to your device!!  AND PLEASE rate and review the Joyful Courage Parenting Podcast to help me spread the show to an ever-larger audience!!

CLICK HERE to watch a video that shows up how to subscribe with your iPhone!

Recap of the summit

Saw Brene Brown

What we notice and what we speak

What it takes to stay focused under the surface

Our language and messages:

I am going to do a webinar this month in the Patreon community to diver deeper into encouragement and I hope you join in! The Joyful Courage Super Fam is a group of parents who are giving $10/month to the podcast to support in the sustainability and create a win/win. Members of the community enjoy monthly webinars and online support through our closed facebook page. Check it out at www.patreon.com/joyfulcourage

Have a beautiful week my friends!! I am going to be watching my tone this week and really working on the sometimes unspoken messages I am sending to my kids when I am less than mindful of what I am doing – and clean up any messes along the way.

Big love!!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Join the Joyful Courage Tribe in our community Facebook group - Live and Love with Joyful Courage.  Raising our children while growing ourselves...

:::

Recap of the summit

• What happens when we start having real conversations?
• Community/support
• Seeing participants in real life
• Recognizing our attachments and course correcting
• Gratitude to guests
• Gratitude to participants
• $109 and it is your for eva

Saw Brene Brown

• Seen before
• Appreciate her realness
• Familiar stories
• Story of daughter swimming and conversation around being brave IS winning
• Are these the conversations we are having with our kids? Are we explicit?

What we notice and what we speak

• Life skills/qualities
• Negativity bias
• How often they ARE using tools/skills – it’s just when they don’t if feels so PAINFUL
• Our expectation of mastery
• Layers going on under the surface (meaning of behavior with Alison Smith 110, Iceberg Metaphor solo show 129)

What it takes to stay focused under the surface

• Vulnerability and humility – it may not be about you
• Faith
• Trust/surrender – let go of your attachment to how you think it should be, and also the idea that you KNOW what’s happening for your child when they haven’t expressed it
• The idea that all humans ultimately want connecting and to know they matter. All of them. We are hard wired to connect

Our language and messages:

• Week three at MMS we dug into encouragement vs praise
  • Process oriented
  • Really seeing the child
  • Naming qualities with evidence
    • My story this morning with the waffles and “what do I do with the mix?”
  • I notice, I appreciate, I trust/know/have faith
  • Not for the short term/immediate – but for the long term, internal voice (ep 136 with Kelly Bos about how NOT to become the voice of your child’s inner critic) it is about below the surface, about supporting our kids in changing what they believe about themselves

I am going to do a webinar this month in the Patreon community to diver deeper into encouragement and I hope you join in! The Joyful Courage Super Fam is a group of parents who are giving $10/month to the podcast to support in the sustainability and create a win/win. Members of the community enjoy monthly webinars and online support through our closed facebook page. Check it out at www.patreon.com/joyfulcourage

Have a beautiful week my friends!!  I am going to be watching my tone this week and really working on the sometimes unspoken messages I am sending to my kids when I am less than mindful of what I am doing – and clean up any messes along the way.

Big love!!

:::::

Buy the Parenting Teen Audio Summit!

The Parenting Teens With Positive Discipline Audio Summit is a deep dive into the messiness of parenting through the teen years and beyond. Each of the featured guests speaks candidly from both their wisdom as parent educators, as well as their real life experience of raising their own teens.

Check it out – www.joyfulcourage.com/teensummit

:::::

Be a Subscriber

Make sure to SUBSCRIBE to the Joyful Courage Podcast on Apple Podcast to get the latest shows STRAIGHT to your device!!  AND PLEASE rate and review the Joyful Courage Parenting Podcast to help me spread the show to an ever-larger audience!!

CLICK HERE to watch a video that shows up how to subscribe with your iPhone!

Today’s guest is Rachel Butler. She is an executive and professional coach, an organizational health expert, a wife and mother of 2 boys she is one of those unique women who is both powerhouse and presence. She's a master in organizational systems and she's worked with over 325 organizations. Rachel embodies what it means to be an empowered woman and a conscious mom. Rachel and her mama business partner Gillian Rowinski are the voices behind Unlearning SuperMom a feminist website that supports equal rights and opportunities for women and empowering all of us. We will be discussing Unlearning SuperMom. Join us!

"Our culture has clearly defined what being a good mom should look like and it is oppressive. The martyrdom of being busy, being agreeable, putting everyone else first, running yourself ragged. If super mom is who we become when we are in this world with our eyes closed then unlearning her is a deeply courageous feminist act.”

“Are we doing it because it's a “should” or are we doing it because it’s something that brings us joy?”

“It’s really hard not to get into comparison-itis.”

“I sort of reject that idea that the major measure of success in parenting is enjoying it”

What you’ll hear in this episode:

-The impact of childcare costs on returning to work for moms

-The emotional conflict about returning to work

-Keeping it real as a mom

-Who is super mom and where does she come from?

-Re-learning our inherent self-worth that is not based in accomplishment

-Motherhood and martyrdom: when we put ourselves last

-Motherhood messaging and where it comes from

-History of motherhood and women’s work

-The perceived value of women based on their relationship with their children

-Child centred social media messages and guilt

-The value of the messy middle

-Being aware of social media messaging and how it impacts us

-Where do you start unlearning super mom?

-Ways to dip your toe in to shifting towards unlearning super mom

-Stages of learning from awareness

-The mental load we carry

-Checking in with your body

Resources:

Women Who Run With The Wolves

16 Second Meditation

Unlearning Supermom Retreat

Where to find Sara:

Unlearning Supermom

Instagram

Facebook

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