It has been a week of fending off requests from incredibly rich and famous celebrities, Nobel Prize laureates, the greatest writers, mathematicians, and physicists of our age, emails coming in four times an hour—"Please, please allow this unbelievably brilliant environmental scientist to personally curate a Golden Record to send into outer space!" "Caleb and Shelby, this former President of the United States needs to guest on the show this week, it's incredibly important." "You guys, we will give you a quarter of a million dollars if you allow this star of a classic '90s sitcom to talk about The Culture™️ with you in order to reinvigorate his career."

We said no to all of them. And we did it for you, the listener.

Caleb and Shelby sit down for another episode of just the two of them. They sing a little, they preach a little, the cry a little, they bark a little. They talk their evolving living situations, some of their own Golden Record picks and Delete-Its, and some of YOUR Golden Record picks and Delete-Its.

Artifacts Discussed

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chicago > city of chicago > apartments/housing for rent — North Center spacious 4 bed 2 bath, 4 min walk to Irving Park Brown Line. Lots of natural light. New appliances, in-unit laundry. Guarantors accepted, for immediate move-in. Contact comedian and prince Colin Rourke for more info. Link to video walkthrough.

Colin's Artifacts 

Follow Colin!

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September 20th, 2021

Dear Diary,

Waz up!!!!!! Today Blaire Erskine (you know, comedian and writer on Jimmy Kimmel Live!) came on the podcast to tell us all about what she would blast off into outer space to send to the aliens. We had such a crazy fun time singing along to Leanne Rhymes, Sheryl Crow, Kelly Clarkson, and Pat Monahan (total dreamboat!!!). We watched Dragon Tales, Coyote Ugly and Nurse Jackie, and then Blaire read to us from her diary and guess what!!! She is totally crushing on Nick!!!!!11 Also Billy Baldwin is SUCH a creep!!!

N-e way, gtg ttyl! Mom's coming upstairs and it's past lights out!!!

Blaire's Artifacts

Follow Blaire on Twitter and Instagram

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It's a no-holds-barred episode. Weddings, canceling plans, CHANGING plans, appetizers, monkey bread, they're all on the chopping block, and you can be sure the podcast premise is gonna take a LONG time to get to. 

Thankfully, comedian, actor, and writer Michael Cruz Kayne (The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, Late Night with Seth Meyers) is here to move the show along and advocate for his Golden Record. He's got basketball players that don't look like basketball players, musicals and overzealous singers, crispy red meat, and a man reaching into his underwear to make him feel like he's never felt (in a non-sexual way, it's a massage thing). 

Michael's Artifacts

Follow Michael on Twitter and Instagram, and listen to his new podcast A Good Cry, premiering September 30th!

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If you've ever wondered what Keeping Records would sound like if the guest was off-mic in the corner of the room, and then left 15 minutes into the episode leaving Caleb and Shelby to their own devices, well, have we got an episode for you. 

It's an episode devoted totally (TOTALLY!) to your (YOU! THE LISTENER!!) picks! There are way wayyyy too many to list, and just as many Delete Its, so I'm just going to tell you to check out MUNA's new music video for "Silk Chiffon (feat. Phoebe Bridgers)" to marvel at the acting abilities and overall hotness of two specific supporting cast members.

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Some people say that art is chaos, and, in that sense? This episode is...art.

Actor, improviser, and writer Lureena Cornwell has a virtual visit with Caleb and Shelby, who, per usual, are in a fight. This time it's over a cat turd. Aside from that, though, our hosts must know what's on Lureena's record, which is so unfortunate because her internet service provider absolutely does not want that. 

When the dust has settled and Lureena's upload speed has improved beyond 1 Mbps, she gives the aliens a picture of the most ideal Earth: one in which domesticated animals walk themselves, clothes are reused, soup is filling, and where every human speaks with a non-rhotic dialect and either commits crime or cracks down on it.

Lureena's Artifacts

The dog painting video that Shelby likes.

Follow Lureena on Instagram and Twitter!

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Caleb and Shelby have been ousted from their home and must seek refuge in the Headgum office. Joining them via conference call from his landline is writer and comedian Dan Sheehan, who spontaneously generates a list of artifacts to put on his Golden Record. He'll introduce the aliens to the Mediterranean diet and local area network gaming. He'll give them the perfect entrance/invasion music. He'll show them majestic, decorated domesticated animals. And most generous of all? He'll help the aliens understand the the relief of being let off the hook.

Dan's Artifacts

Original Voyager Artifact

Follow Dan on Twitter @ItsDanSheehan and @SICKOFWOLVES, support him on Patreon and buy his novel I Am Not a Wolf wherever you get books!

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Writer, comedian, actress, improviser (and if I'm being honest? friend!) Abby McEnany is on the podcast, and she's brought her deep, deep passion for the United States Postal Service. (UPS is also close to her but for different reasons.) Vincent D'Onofrio, brand-name ibuprofen, Abby's kickass nephews, and President Jimmy Carter himself are all going to space. Ok, President Carter himself isn't going, but the aliens do need to know about everything he's been up to.

Abby's Artifacts

Watch Abby in the season premiere of Work in Progress on Showtime, on Sunday, August 22nd.

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Join Shelby and Caleb as they discuss their lives of opulence and mental stability with writer and comedian Taylor Garron. Yes, eventually they will get to Taylor's Golden Record picks, but it is extremely important that they spend 20+ minutes discussing gold futures and the frustrations of property tax variances from state to state.

Of course, with all of that wealth must come the finer things in life, all of which Taylor is sending to the aliens—dining (and, frankly? lunching) on crustaceans, elegant music and television, and dislodging the aforementioned bits of crustaceans from one's...um...chompers.

Taylor's Artifacts:

Follow Taylor on Twitter and Instagram

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Caleb and Shelby have a sit-down with writer and comedian Liva Pierce to talk about their hopes, dreams, and personal choices of artifacts to send to outer space so that aliens may one day come to understand what life on Earth was like at its zenith.

Of COURSE there's Kate Bush. Of COURSE there's delicious food. You KNOW there are human social practices on there, and musicals. IT'S. ALL. THERE. Enjoy, aliens.

Shelby and Caleb are also extremely uncooperative when role-playing.

Liva's Artifacts

Original Voyager Artifact

Follow Liva on Twitter and Instagram!

Follow the show @keepingrecordspod

Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.