Podcast Notes Key Takeaways

• As we go about life, we often revert to negotiation strategies which proved to be effective for us as children
• “We assume persuasion is about talking, but actually the most persuasive strategy you could take is to listen well”
• There are MANY problems with email as a communication medium
  • Related: A HUGE mistake many of us make – writing back right away to an email that angered us, rather than taking the time to pause, reflect, and respond in an appropriate manner
• “Your first negotiation is really with yourself”
  • In a difficult conversation, you have to shift your thinking away from being focused on what you’re right about, to trying to understand the other person’s point of view (even if you know they’re wrong)
• In difficult conversations, it’s effective to state the emotions you’re feeling
  • This is different than being emotional (expressing frustration, rather than just stating you’re frustrated)
• Anger is often a secondary feeling
  • Meaning – initially what we feel is something else (like hurt)
• An important conversation skill – the ability to listen for the feelings beneath what your conversation partner is saying
• “It’s not just that people have difficult conversations in their relationships, those conversations are the relationships”
  • If you handle them well – the relationship thrives
  • If you handle them poorly – the relationship starts to deteriorate
• Instead of aiming to resolve conflict through conversation, aim to understand
  • This lowers the stakes – “Not figuring out a solution isn’t failing. Failing is not learning anything new about the other person.”

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Sheila Heen, two time NY Times best selling author, consultant, and lecturer at Harvard Law School, makes the tough talks easier by breaking down the three layers that make up every difficult conversation

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