Listen, Learn & Love Hosted by Richard Ostler

This is a short podcast where I read excerpts from three Substack articles on this subject:

Substack excerpt one: My thoughts on this subject as a former YSA Bishop

Full Substack: https://papaostler.substack.com/p/thoughts-on-masturbation-after-serving

Substack excerpt two: Anonymous male: “My lifelong struggle against masturbation and shame, and how individuals, families and the church as a whole can reduce the shame around masturbation.”

Full Substack: https://papaostler.substack.com/p/overcoming-masturbation-and-shame

Substack excerpt two: Anonymous female: “I wanted to expand this great dialogue about masturbation to address the underlying reasons many YSA’s turn to this in context of their alternative choices.”

Full Substack: https://papaostler.substack.com/p/how-it-feels-to-be-an-older-24-ysa

Note: My Substack is free and will always be free

** This episode talks about suicide. If you are suicidal, please call/text/chat *988 ***

My friends Jake and Joe Sharp (twin brothers in their 20s, from Mesa Arizona, brother Sam died by suicide 16 while they were missionaries) talk about their work:

* Being mental health advocates and fitness coaches to help others find hope and end shame

* Helping those who are suicidal find hope and how Sam tied his identity to perfectionism

* Normalizing honest and vulnerable discussions—how these are healthy male attributes

* Coping with grief—how they turned to overeating and pornography use—how they learned to heal through Jesus and therapy

* How shame dies in opening up and vulnerability

* Their work to support the LGBTQ community

* What we can do in our families and church communities to make it safer for suicidal folks to open up

Jake and Joe are on a mission to bring people closer to Christ, reduce shame, role-model vulnerability, and help others find hope. I am deeply moved by and supportive of their work. They inspire me.

Please listen/share this episode and contact with their social media platforms (see below). And (as mentioned in the podcast) if you are in a position to help them set up a 501c non-profit (or help an any way you feel inspired) please reach out to them. I feel impressed their work is just beginning in our community.

Thank you, Jake and Joe, for all your great work. Honored to have you on the show.

Links:

Jake and Joe’s Instagram and TikTok: @jdoufit

Earlier episode 811: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/episode-811-jake-and-joe-sharp-lost-brother-sam-to/id1347971725?i=1000691741343

Richard Ostler Substack on masturbation: https://substack.com/home/post/p-215364913

My friend Pam Shepherd, a communications professional at George Mason University and a sixth-generation Latter-day Saint, joins us to share some of her journey growing up Mormon while not always feeling like she fit the traditional Mormon mold. Pam talks about navigating that experience at BYU and later as a young single adult in the Washington, DC area. She also discusses her desire to better understand the experiences of Gen Z Utah Latter-day Saint women (ages 18-29) on a variety of issues. That curiosity led to a research project for which she is currently seeking anonymous survey participants (see show notes for details).

Thank you, Pam, for sharing both your personal story and the motivation behind this important research. Your experiences navigating life both within and outside traditional Mormon expectations give you a unique perspective as you seek to better understand the experiences of Gen Z Utah Latter-day Saint women. I appreciate your willingness to undertake this work and contribute meaningful data to an area where little research currently exists. It was a pleasure having you on the podcast.

If you are a Gen Z LDS woman, I encourage you to fill out Pam’s survey.

Survey: https://gmu.az1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_eE9q7qaZAsdbAHA

Email: [email protected]

Instagram: @pammyshep

My friend Parker Vassau (married father of 3, business owner—marketing and pest control, longtime friend) joins us to share his story:

Unexpected illness at age 14—tumor, complications, and not being able to eat for four months

Principles to serve a successful mission—Parker knows this well after serving in Bulgaria.

Not being defined by his ACT score of 16

Vision a BYU teacher have game him—acting on that vision—hard work and sacrifice to make it happen

Supporting the many young men that are part of his businesses including being a safe place

Starting his podcast called “The Committed Man” (see show notes)

Insightful comments about mental health

Powerful tribute to his step-father Darl McBride and our dear family friend (who died in Sept 2024 of ALS)

Thank you my friend Parker for being on the podcast and all you are doing to help and build others. You inspire me. I encourage everyone to check out this episode and connect with Parker’s podcast.

Links:

The Committed Man podcast: www.committedman.com

Parker on IG: @parker.vassau

Matt Mosman (friend from BYU MBA school, prior senior vice president of development at Oracle, currently general parter of venture capital firm in Salt Lake, well known expert on mergers and acquisitions), joins us to share the story of being called as the High Councilor over the Bay Ward in San Francisco and all they did to help the gay men and women feel welcome at Church. Those efforts including calling an “openly gay man” Mitch Maynes into the Bishopric as the executive secretary and sending a letter out to all ward members they are welcome and won’t be excommunicated for showing up at Church.

Matt talks about speaking throughout the Stake on better supporting LGBTQ members and how he handed “the heat his took” for his advocacy. He talks about how God created His queer children as intended and we should look at them as beloved children of Heavenly Parents.

Matt wrote a powerful essay called “How to Read Your Religion’s Foundational Texts” (see show notes) where he powerfully shares his feelings on:

* Jesus’s strongest condemnation was for the Pharisees—and how that applies today

* The parable of the Good Samaritan—best summary I’ve ever read

Further, Matt is completely clear about why he stays in the Church and how he feels about where the Church is with its LGBTQ members:

“What I mean by "cafeteria Christian" is this: a person who accepts large portions of their tradition's teaching while consciously declining others. I am one of these people. I am a committed member of my own denomination. I believe deeply in its foundational claims. I try to live according to its principles. Yet there are positions my church holds on certain matters — including, specifically, the treatment of LGBTQ members — where I have concluded, after long and prayerful consideration, that my tradition is simply wrong. I hold that view while remaining within the tradition, because I understand my faith to be larger than any single institutional position.”

One of Matt’s gifts is being bold and clear—and he uses that gift to talk about how to better support our LGBT friends. Matt—who is politically left—also talks about speaking up to share how he feels even if it is a minority position.

Matt shares his son coming out as gay several years after Matt’s High Council assignment and how that was a non-event—as a closest youth he already knew his Dad loved him as he saw-first hand his Dad’s advocacy—super powerful parenting experience for us all to consider.

Thank you, Matt, for being on the podcast and all you do to help create Zion by helpful everyone feel welcome, loved and needed. You are a good man.

I encourage everyone to listen to and share this powerful episode.

Links:

Matt’s essay: https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/hd1utwih1h1qagx2eg0qn/How-to-Read-Your-Religion-s-Foundational-Texts-by-Matt-Mosman.pdf?rlkey=81quise3my3vii3brjri5jz74&dl=0

My friend Doug Staker (father of three, Master of Architecture from UCLA, Principal Architect with Squaremoon Studio, lives in Salt Lake City) joins us to share the story of the genesis of Sanctuary—a physical structure representing safely/love/acceptance that was first part of Utah Pride in 2018.

Doug talks about his gay brother Thomas and becoming curious and going on a trip where he asked, “tell me about your life”. Doug talks about how this transformed his perspective about queer people and felt spiritually called to ally and use his creative and architecture expertise. This spiritual impression led to the creation of sanctuary that has been part of Utah Pride four different times.

Doug talks about being at the Encircle gala and connecting with Autumn McAlpin (film producer, mother of two queer children) which led to the creation of Sanctuary—a full length powerful documentary film about LGBTQ Latter-day Saints (see show notes on how to watch/share this must-see film).

Doug talks about two of his children coming out as queer (trans and bi-sexual) and his journey to love and accept them—super powerful.

Thank you, Doug, for being on the podcast and sharing your remarkable story of using your God given talents to love and support our queer friends. Thanks for following your spiritual impressions to walk into this space and make a difference.

Thank you, Autumn McAlpin, and Vienna Boyes (all the entire team) for your efforts to direct, produce and release this deeply moving documentary—I was so moved watching it a few months ago.

I invite everyone to listen to Doug’s podcast and watch/share Sanctuary.

Links:

Doug’s Sanctuary project website: https://www.squaremoon.art/

Sanctuary Documentary: https://sanctuarydoc.com/

My friend Dan Hamby (married father of four) joins us to share his super powerful story of meeting with and ultimately forgiving the man who murdered his father Everett when Dan was 7 years old.

Dan talks he wasn’t looking to connect with or forgive his father killer—but how that unlikely connection was established by his seminary teacher. Dad talks about how forgiving his father killer helped him in ways he didn’t know he needed. Dad talks about meeting with his father’s killer after his mission and how they helped him better understand God love for all of us and how our “value never changes”

This is one of the most powerful and moving podcasts we’ve ever done. A must listen.

If you are navigating the unfairness and wounding of life, please listen to Dan’s story along with his testimony of the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ to heal. It will give you more hope and vision of the possibilities in your future.

Thank you, Dan, for being on the podcast. I was so moved and uplifted listen to your story—a story that gives all of us more vision on the power of forgiveness.

Links:

Facebook: www.facebook.com/dan.hamby

IG: @dan_hamby72

e-mail: [email protected]

My friendCameron Call (age 40, lives in Arizona, chiropractor, mixed orientation married for ten years, divorced seven years ago, father of three, married his husband 18 months ago) joins us to share his super vulnerable and powerful story:

* Navigating gay pornography as a teenager and his attraction to men

* Terrified he might be attracted to men—did everything he could to not be gay

* Serving a mission in Nashville Tennessee—positive experience—felt he would be OK

* Became EFY counselor and got married within a year after his mission

* Super honest about struggling with sexual intimacy early (and throughout) their marriage. That—plus male infertility—caused Cameron to feel absolutely defeated

* Eventually came out as gay to his wife (positive experience).

* Tried to make the marriage work—but eventually it became clear the best path was to end their marriage.

* Divorce became the “healthy option”

* Cameron’s incredible parents and siblings—their lifesaving love and support. Pride flag at parents’ home

* Finding his husband and getting married 18 months ago—so much joy and happiness

* While out of the Church, supporting kids in the Church (lives in the kids Ward boundaries)

* Navigating anger at the Church—how his family, especially his mom, has been a safe person to process all this with

* Good relationship overall with his ex-wife and her new husband. They took a family trip with their entire blended family - six coparents and ten children.

Thank you, Cameron, for coming on the podcast and sharing your story. This is one of the finest episodes to know there is hope and a life after divorce. It is also a super powerful episode on the near impossible path our gay/lesbian members walk and the tradeoffs they face that straight people don’t face. It is also a powerful episode to help younger queer people find hope.

Thank you, Cameron, for coming on the podcast. You are a good man. You have a great life ahead of you!

Links:

Instagram: @cw_call

Facebook: www.facebook.com/cameron.call

My friends Dave and Kirty Zimmerman (married parents of four, active LDS, live in Utah County) join us to share their story of loving/supporting their gay son Dallin who came out at age 13 and is currently serving a mission. Highlights include:

* Age 13: “Mom, What if I’m Gay?”

* Dave, Kirty, and Dallin walking that road alone for three years without telling anyone. Very difficult road for all three. Positive and negative ward experiences.

* Watching the “light go out” of Dallin—and how coming out helped everyone

* Dallin (working closely with his parents but letting Dallin take the lead) coming out to family, friends, and his Ward family

* Working closely with the Bishop and Ward Council to counsel together and how to best support Dallin—super helpful

* Helpful Bishop and Stake President

* No pressure for Dallin to serve a mission—yet Dallin chose this so he “could share God’s love with others”

* In the celestial room together with Dallin sharing he will never be able to make the next temple covenant—knowing he won’t be able to make it work with a woman

* Importance of support for LDS parents walking this road—and how the Ward family can make all the difference for their journey with the Church

* Kirty: “Some of the best parts of Dallin are the parts that are gay”

* Importance of letting LGBTQ people use the labels they prefer—and how telling people not to take on a label creates shame—and how that is inconsistent with other LDS groups

This is one of the finest podcasts we’ve done on how to support a queer child (out in early teenage years) navigating that with friends, family, and church community. So insightful—and helps all of us consider what we can do to support closeted families in our circle of influence. Also, one of the finest podcasts to help us better understand, support, and love a younger queer Latter-day Saint.

Thank you, Dave and Kirty, for being on the podcast and sharing your family story. Thanks for your courage to do this. You are helping create Zion. Much love and respect to the Zimmerman family.

Thank you Elder Dallin Zimmerman for allowing your parents to share your story. I feel you are concurrently serving two missions—your mission in South American and your mission with your powerful story being shared—both to help everyone know God loves them.

** Note: Dave and Kirty with be part of a parent breakout session at Gather (Nov 12-14 in Provo, Utah). See show notes for more information and how to register **

Links:

Instagram @dave_zman: https://www.instagram.com/dave_zman

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Dizzi45Z

Instagram @kirtyz: https://www.instagram.com/kirtyz

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/kirtyz

Gather Conference Nov 12-14: https://www.liftandlove.org/gather

Faith Matters Episode: https://www.faithmatters.org/p/when-your-child-comes-out-as-gay

My friend Dr. Taylor Petrey (prior editor of Dialogue: a journal of Mormon thought, BA in philosophy and religion from Pace University, and both an MTS and a Th.D. degree from Harvard Divinity School in New Testament and Early Christianity, Professor at Kalamazoo College) joins us to talk about his new Dialogue article called: “History and Theology of Trans and Nonbinary Identity in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (see show notes).

Taylor powerful article takes us through the Church’s history to address transgender/non-binary Latter-day Saint issues starting in the 1970’s through the latest policy statements in 2024 (super painful for many transgender/non-binary folks and their families). Taylor talks about how society generally moved on from the wedge issue of same-sex marriage to a new fear-based wedge issue of transgender and non-binary folks and how that has informed many church members feelings on this topic.

Taylor—through extensive interviews with transgender and non-binary folks—talks about how they feel about being transgender/non-binary and how those insights should help inform us how we should feel about them. Taylor—a noted theologian—talks about possible ways our theology has room for our transgender/non-binary friends.

I learned so many from Taylor. I encourage everyone to read his Dialog article, listen to this episode, and listen to lots of transgender/non-binary to inform our insights/conclusions about these good folks.

Thank you, Taylor, for you much needed work in our community.

Links:

Taylor’s Dialogue Article: https://www.dialoguejournal.com/articles/history-and-theology-of-trans-and-nonbinary-identity-in-the-church-of-jesus-christ-of-latter-day-saints/

Other Dialogue Transgender Content: https://www.dialoguejournal.com/curated-topics/transgender/