How do you make space for a teenage boy to make his own mistakes?  Photo by olia danilevich via Pexels Especially when said teenager is frustrating, annoying, and contributing to family chaos? Sandra said:Teenager years are frustrating — wanting to tell him what do, yet I know he needs to make his own mistakes. Throw in toddler boy hitting/screaming at his brother….She is definitely not the only parent wondering how to deal with a teen boys & balance the needs of siblings! That’s we tackled her question first in this edition of ON BOYS Listener Q & A. “It can be really hard to step back and let things unfold — let your teen be the one that has to navigate,” Janet says. She recommends talking about that with your teen. Say something like, “It is really hard to watch you make mistakes. I am here for you. I trust that you can figure this out on your own. And if need help, I am here.” Other listener questions include:My sons turned 18 yesterday and are in their last year of high school! I understand the natural and necessary pulling away from parents (especially moms) and establishing themselves as men. Is it possible to release them vs. them tearing away? If so, what does that look like?andHow & what do you prioritize? I’m a single mom with 3 sons. I can’t do homework, home cooked meals, sports practice and read with them every night, so what to prioritize, who to prioritize and what to let go?andShould I punish the boys by taking away screen time if they get bad grades? Taking away screens is the only punishment that works.
In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:Parenting teen & toddler boysLaunching teenagers & young adult men“Soiling the nest”Asking for helpHow to create a dinner co-opDealing with “bad grades”Nurturing connection
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Listener Q & A: Supporting Sibling Relationships, Finding Common Ground, & More — Jan. ’23 ON BOYS episode Puberty, Perimenopause, & Midlife Parenting — ON BOYS episode The Art of Roughhousing (w Dr. Lawrence Cohen) — ON BOYS episode More Wisdom from Teacher Tom — ON BOYS episode How to Build Your Village — ON BOYS episode
Sponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%   Sponsor Spotlight: Baby QuipUse code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.  


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Listener Q & A: Punishment, Teenage Boys, & Letting Go

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Sextortion disproportionately affects boys. Between October 2021 & March 2023, the FBI & Homeland Security Investigation received more than 13,000 reports of online sextortion of minors. Most of the victims were boys. At least 20 boys have already died by suicide after experiencing sextortion. The FBI is so concerned about these trends that they reached out to ON BOYS podcast. Agents are working to shutdown sextorionists, but they know that parents play a key role in keeping boys safe too. “This trend of targeting boys for financial sextortion — where photos are taken or provided by the boy and then used to extort them for funds, under the impression that they will be shared online — is a scheme that seems to have emerged in the last few years,” says Chris Crocker, Acting Special Agent in Charge of the FBI St. Louis division.Protecting Boys From SextortionBoys ages 14-17 seem to be the primary targets. Sextortionists connect with boys via online platforms (including gaming sites and social media; they often represent themselves as attractive teenage girls, show a lot of interest, perhaps share a sexy photo of “themselves,” and then ask the boy to reciprocate. When he does, they threaten to share the image unless the boy sends them money. “The boys we’ve seen fall for these schemes are not dumb kids. They’re not kids that were necessarily obviously at any sort of risk. They’re good kids, good students, athletes, model kids, the kind of boys you would want your son to grow up to be,” Chris says. “These are not bad kids; these are good kids who make poor decisions. Every person is susceptible to doing that from time to time.” Talk to your boys about sextortion, so they will talk to you if it occurs to them (or a friend). Make sure they know that you will help them, not yell at them or punish them. “It is very important for parents to constantly reassure their children that they can come to them with something like this. Building that trust with your child is really important to avoiding these things – maybe not from occurring ever, but from reaching the worst possible outcome,” Chris says.”This is a really complex issue and there’s no easy way to handle it, but spreading awareness will prevent more of these outcomes.”  Chris Crocker, Acting Special Agent in Charge of the FBI St. Louis DivisionTo Report Sextortion:To contact the FBI, dial 1-800-CALL-FBI or use tips.fbi.gov to provide information online. The FBI’s partner at the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children provides guidance on how to remove nude photos online that were taken before a person was 18 years old: https://takeitdown.ncmec.org/
In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Chris discuss:What sextortion isWhy boys are often victimsHow to talk to boys about sextortionWhat to do if someone is experiencing sextortionWhat happens when your report sextortionWhat social media sites are doing to combat sextortion
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Sextortion: A Growing Threat Preying on Our Nation’s Teens A Teen’s Death in a Small Michigan Town Led the FBI & Police to an Online Sexual Extortion Scheme This Boy’s Story Highlights Why Instagram’s Taking a New Stance on DMs Instagram to Crack Down on Teen Sextortion Maggie Dent: What Teenage Boys Really Need — ON BOYS episode Talk with Boys Like a PRO (about anything & everything!) — Jen & Janet’s upcoming course (starts May 7, 2024)Sponsor Spotlight: EZ MeltsGet a FREE 3-month supply of D3 w your 1st purchase at try.ezmelts.com/onboys Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.com Sponsor Spotlight: My Life in a Book 


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FBI: Sextortion Targets Boys

Protein, creatine, & performance enhancing drugs are common in boy world. In fact, most teen boys experiment with them at some point. Approximately 80% of teenage boys say they’ve used a protein supplement within the last 12 months, says Kyle Ganson, an assistant professor who researches boys and body image. “There’s a very broad list of performance enhancers, including dietary supplements and other substances that are perfectly legal and readily available to young people,” Kyle says. These substances are “purported to help you with your performance, with building strength, and with your appearance, but there’s not a lot of research on them and a lot of nuance to them.” Whether they’re looking for this info or not, boys are likely to encounter it online. There are a plethora of social media influencers who hawk supplements and explicitly discuss their workout routines, nutrition, and dietary supplements. Not all of that information is accurate. In many cases, these influencers gain financially when they promote supplements. Understanding boys’ motivation to use these substances is key to supporting them. An abstinence-only approach isn’t likely to work — and not necessary, in most cases, Kyle says. It’s better to engage boys in conversation and help them meet their goals. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Kyle discuss:Protein supplements, creatine, amino acids, pre-workout supplements, & energy drinksSteroids & synthetic hormones, including testosteroneHow media influences (& creates) unrealistic body image ideals for boysWhy boys use performance enhancing supplementsHelping boys find accurate informationTypical paths to supplement useTalking to boys about performance enhancing substancesMasculine norms & muscle-building behaviorsRegulation (& lack of regulation!) of supplements & performance enhancing drugs
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES) & Muscle Dysmorphia — previous ON BOYS episode w Kyle Boys & Body Image – ON BOYS episode Zac Efron Admits Bulking Up for Baywatch “Messed” Him Up Rob McElhenney from “Always Sunny” Reveals How He Got So Ripped Safety Reporting Portal — site consumers can use to report adverse eventsSponsor Spotlight: My Life in a BookSponsor Spotlight: Factor Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off    Sponsor Spotlight: WinonaMenopause care made easy! Visit bywinona.com/onboys & use code ONBOYS to get 25% your first order. 
Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.com   Sponsor Spotlight: ArmoireClothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.  


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Protein, Creatine, & Performance Enhancing Drugs

Advocating for boys is one way to help boys and men thrive. At present, there are no governmental commissions working on behalf of boys and men in the United States. Not at the federal level & not at the state level. Even though boys lag behind girls in academic achievement and boys & men experience suicide, murder, drug & alcohol addiction, homelessness, incarceration, & early death at disproportionately high rates. And even though there are multiple commissions dedicated to addressing & advancing the needs of girls and women. Blair Daly, founder of the Washington Initiative for Boys & Men (WIBM) is working to change that. “The male population, I think, can be described as an under-advocated-for population group,” Blair says. “There’s very little organized advocacy.” That’s why he created WIBM, which combines advocacy journalism and grassroots political action to draw attention to the unique needs of boys and men in Washington state. As a result, Washington state may become the first state in the US to establish a Commission on Boys & Men. “Without a focus on the male population, we think a lot is being missed,” Blair says. Advocacy is necessary to focus attention on (& find solutions for) issues that disproportionately harm boys & men. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Blair discuss:Why boys need advocacyChallenges in advocating for boys & menDeveloping and demonstrating diverse support for boysHow to talk about boys’ issuesThe power of local advocacyWhy moms of boys are such great advocates for boysHow to start advocating for boys
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Washington Initiative for Boys & Men 7 Democrats, 7 Republicans Sponsor 2024 Commission on Boys & Men Legislation — article highlighting the diverse support for a WA Commission on Boys & Men Updated one-pager about WA legislation to develop a Commission on Boys & Men What is the Washington Initiative for Boys & Men? Blair Daly Explains — YouTube video Boys Moms as Boy Advocates — ON BOYS episode featuring Gemma Gaudette 50/50 Shared Parenting — ON BOYS episode Real Talk about Fentanyl, Opioids, & Marijuana — ON BOYS episode Talk with Boys Like a PRO (about anything & everything!) — Jen & Janet’s upcoming course (starts May 7, 2024)Sponsor Spotlight: My Life in a BookSponsor Spotlight: ArmoireClothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month. Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.com Sponsor Spotlight: Factor Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off  

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Advocating for Boys

Gifted & twice-exceptional boys often struggle in school, despite their intelligence & talents. In fact, boys who are gifted or twice-exceptional (which means they are gifted & have a learning disability) are considered “problem kids.” Teachers (and other adults) may make boredom as lack of focus, or assume that poor grades indicate lack of intelligence. For many 2E boys, their learning disabilities overshadow their giftedness; for others, their giftedness hides their learning disabilities, says Deborah (Deb) Gennarelli, a gifted education specialist who is also the author of Twice-Exceptional Boys: A Roadmap to Getting it Right.  Intensity is part of giftedness — a part that frequently presents challenges for gifted & 2E boys. “Intensity is treated different in boys than in girls in this culture,” Deb says. Teachers & parents may punish or try to “fix” boys’ intensity, which typically only creates more problems. Gifted & 2E boys need support to thrive. “We can’t ignore the fact that students that have high intelligence look at things in different ways, behave in different ways, learn in different ways,” Deb says. “With the right support, these boys can go from surviving to thriving.” In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Deb discuss:Myths & misconceptions about gifted & 2E boysSpecial challenges for gifted & 2E boysWhy many smart boys struggle in schoolAdvocating for gifted & 2E boysParenting gifted & 2E boys
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Twice-Exceptional Boys: A Roadmap to Getting it Right, by Deborah Gennarelli, M.Ed. www.deborahgennarelli.com — Deb’s website Twice-Exceptional Boys (w Ramsey Hootman) — ON BOYS episode When Your Kid is the Classroom Problem Child — heartbreaking The Cut article about a 2E boy Twice Exceptional Students — info from the National Association for Gifted Children Twice Exceptional — classic Building Boys post Talk with Boys Like a PRO (about anything & everything!) — Jen & Janet’s upcoming course (starts May 7, 2024)
Sponsor Spotlight: My Life in a BookSponsor Spotlight: Factor Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off  Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.com Sponsor Spotlight: HomeThreadsMake your home family friendly. Use this link to get 15% off. Sponsor Spotlight: ArmoireClothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month. Jen’s Feb. Armoire haul 


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Gifted & Twice-Exceptional (2E) Boys

Like it or not, fentanyl, other opioids, and marijuana are part of our boys’ world. “It is very easy to get drugs on social media,” says Michelle Leopold, a mother who’s son, Trevor, died after taking a pill he purchase online. Ignoring these uncomfortable fact isn’t helpful. We have to educate ourselves and educate our boys. Here’s why:Marijuana harms young brainsToday’s marijuana and marijuana-based products are far stronger than those of the past. “It’s so important to learn about today’s marijuana,”Michelle says. Although marijuana and THC products are now legal in many states, study after study has shown that these products are not safe for developing brains.Fentanyl killsIn 2019, Trevor, age 18, swallowed a blue pill he thought was oxycodone. It wasn’t. Despite its markings, there was no oxycodone in the pill. The pill Trevor purchased was a counterfeit pill, & it contained fentanyl, a narcotic that’s 100 times more powerful than morphine, 50 times more powerful than heroin—and lethal at just a few grains. Trevor didn’t get high; Trevor died. According to the US. Dept of Justice, over 150 people die every day from overdoses related to synthetic opioids like fentanyl. As many as 7 in 10 counterfeit pills — pills sold online & purported to be oxycodone or other “prescription” meds — may now contain a lethal dose of fentanyl. “People now need to assume that any drug they don’t get from their pharmacist has fentanyl in it,” Michelle says. “The odds are not in your favor.”  “I am going to use Trevor’s story to prevent other parents from losing their children.” — Michelle LeopoldIn this episode, Jen, Janet, & Michelle discuss:How marijuana can affect teens & familiesRecognizing signs of drug useCannabinoid hyperemesis syndromeParenting a child who is using substancesJust Say KNOW vs. Just Say NoWhere teens and young adults are getting drugs & pillsGetting & using naloxone (Narcan)Recognizing & responding to an overdose
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Marijuana to Fentanyl: My Son is More Than a Statistic — post by Michelle www.wearenotalone.community — Michelle’s blog (packed w info!) Addiction Inoculation w Jessica Lahey — ON BOYS episode Troubled Boys (w Kenneth R Rosen) — ON BOYS episode Another View of Wilderness Therapy — ON BOYS episode http://drugfree.org/  and toll-free Helpline (1-855-DRUGFREE / 1-855-378-4373)  TheNewDrugTalk.org SAMHSA National Helpline 1-800-662-4357 (Confidential free help, from public health agencies, to find substance use treatment and information) SongForCharlie.org  https://www.dea.gov/onepill dancesafe.org (Fentanyl Test Strips and Drug Checking Kits) Adding Naloxone to Your First Aid Kit — Decipher Your Health post (NOTE: Jen now has naloxone in her home) shatterproof.org — includes a Narcan training video Al-Anon — support for family & friends of people w alcohol use disorder Nar-Anon — support for family & friends of people who use narcoticsSponsor Spotlight: ArmoireClothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month. Jen’s Feb. Armoire haul
 Sponsor Spotlight: HomeThreads Make your home family friendly. Use this link to get 15% off. 
Sponsor Spotlight: Factor Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off   


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Listener Q & A: Punishment, Teenage Boys, & Letting Go

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