Siblings share a special bond. Oftentimes older siblings can’t remember a time without their younger brother or sister, and younger siblings have certainly never known life without the older ones in it. They may fight or have habits that annoy each other, but deep down, most love each other. And, if you are really lucky, your brother or sister may even end up being your very best friend. That was the case for Norie and her sister Rachel. Their relationship was special. On the surface, their personalities could not be more different. Rachel was an extrovert with a smile on her face and the ability to be a friend to everyone. Norie, on the other hand, was an introvert, keeping her emotions inside. They shared a love for the game of softball. Both were pitchers - Rachel displaying emotion, and Norie, calm and collected on the mound. It was their dream to coach college softball together. Both had been assistant coaches, but their hope was that one of them would get a head coaching position and the other would be hired as the assistant.  When Rachel unexpectedly died in her sleep, not only did Norie lose her sister, she lost her best friend and the dream of their future. Almost immediately after Rachel died, Norie asked her husband, “Is it OK if I am sad for the rest of my life?” His answer immediately gave her a sense of relief, “Of course, it is.” Norie will miss Rachel for the rest of her life, and that causes Norie great sorrow. What Norie has learned over the past 4 years, however, is that she will not just feel the sadness. She still feels great joy as well. Her own four children bring unmeasurable joy, but it is always tinged with the sadness that Rachel is not here to share in it.  Many people don’t understand her grief and get uncomfortable hearing her talk about Rachel and her tears, but that is why Norie is working to spread the word about grief, specifically sibling grief. The bonds of siblings do not disappear with death and they can continue to be honored, even after one is gone.

When I think of retirement, I often think of people moving to Florida or perhaps helping out by spending extra time caring for grandchildren. However, that is not how today’s guest, Jim, spends his retirement. When Jim retired, he started working part-time at a local funeral home helping newly bereaved parents navigate through the worst time of their lives. When Jim’s 16-year-old daughter. Kaitlyn, died suddenly while at tennis practice, he felt completely lost. He and his wife went to the hospital and were told by the staff to take as much time as they needed with their daughter. They were offered a lock of her hair to take home with them as a keepsake. They were then left alone with no idea what to do. They spent some time with Kaitlyn and then went home. The next day, Jim’s wife made the painful call to school that Kaitlyn would not be going to school that day or ever again, for that matter. Jim had to call a funeral home to arrange for someone to take her daughter’s body after the autopsy. Jim initially fell into a deep depression. He actually became suicidal, but eventually found his way back to living. He found a great counselor and then a great support group for parents whose children had died through a local hospice. He turned his life around and found purpose again. He started attending the support group faithfully and then helped lead it, but he often thought back to those first hours and days when he and his wife had no one to help guide them. This is what drew him to his position at the funeral home. He is now the guide that he needed six years ago. He is the person helping families make those early decisions and helps answer the question, “What do we do now?” He quickly leads grieving parents to the support group that took him much longer to find. Jim gives these parents so much, but it helps him as well. Every time Jim helps a family in this way, he feels Kaitlyn close by. He feels her presence and that gives him hope and healing as well.

To read Jim's blog, visit journeyfromdespairtohope.com

It has been less than 5 months since Brittany’s sweet 12-year-old daughter, Madyson, died unexpectedly from myocarditis, but Brittany has already become an inspiration to other bereaved moms. In the days and weeks after Madyson’s death, Brittany felt devastated and alone. She stayed in bed all day. She struggled to even be able to eat. She asked God why He hadn’t taken her with her daughter. Brittany said that her faith wavered. One day, in the midst of her despair, she asked God to give her a sign.

Brittany walked into her daughter’s room and pulled out Madyson’s notebook. Brittany thought she had read everything in that notebook just days before, but as she leafed through the notebook, she turned to a paper that Madyson had written 9 months before that looked unfamiliar. The writing is as follows:

’Why to Love Yourself’ 

The reason you should love yourself is because God didn’t put you on this earth without a purpose and to find that purpose, you gotta get up. You gotta get out the house and on your feet. God didn’t bless you to stay in bed and worry about your fears. So get up! Get up! Treat yourself. Go out. Be free because I promise you, today may be your weakness, but tomorrow going to be your power.

Reading those words from Madyson changed something for Brittany. Yes, she still struggles in her deep grief, but reading her daughter’s words to ‘Get Up!’ challenged Brittany to do just that. Now some days, getting up out of the bed may be all that she can do, but even that is enough to celebrate. On other days, Brittany will write a post on social media that inspires someone else to get up out of bed as well. That is an amazing win. 

Even as we struggle and feel completely broken, we can still in our own little way help one another. Those words from Madyson can help us all in our grief. We do have a purpose. Even in our grief, we have a purpose, but in order to find that purpose, we need to get up. Brittany keeps Madyson’s words in a frame so she can read them every day. Perhaps, we all should do that as well.

When Gwen and I were deciding what to name this week’s episode, Gwen’s title was ’Taking a Pause Before the Claus comes to Town: Last minute tips to survive the holiday.’ I chuckled at the title’s length and changed it to ’Last Minute Christmas Tips.’ It turned out, however, Gwen was right, maybe not about the length of the title, but about needing to put the word ‘pause’ into the title. This turns out to be key for more than one reason. First of all, we do need to pause before heading out to family gatherings this holiday season. We talk and plan and figure out what we can and can’t do. We make backup plans and even escape plans to implement if things get too overwhelming, but an equally important piece that can be easy to overlook is to take a minute to pause. Before rushing out of the house, take some time for yourself. Take some deep breaths. Just be present in the moment. Take a break from the busyness. Pause. That brings me to the second reason that putting the word ‘pause’ in the title this week is perfect. When I hear Gwen talk about taking a minute to pause, the words that jump into my mind are ‘be still.’ Whenever Andy was feeling anxious about anything in life big or small, I would remind him to breathe and ‘be still.’ His Bible verse that he truly clung to was Psalm 46:10 - Be still and know that I am God. Reciting those words during anxious moments would put his mind in a better place. This week at the Grand Rapids Choir of Men and Boys annual Lessons and Carols concert, a song written by guest conductor, Richard Webster, in memory of Andy, debuted. The title was ‘Be Still and Know that I am God.’ It was the most painful and beautiful and meaningful song I have ever heard in my life. A gorgeous piece of music was written to honor my boy that reminds choirs all over the world to take a minute to pause and to be still. So today, in the midst of the holiday bustle, I say to all of you the words that I said to Andy so many times, “Be Still.” *Listen to the end to hear the song. Go to andysmom.com/171 to see a video of the song. Go to the Grand Rapids Choir of Men and Boys Webpage to hear the full concert (grcmb.org)

Today’s guest, Arava, reminded me of something that I think all of us know instinctually. Each person’s life is really made up of a collection of stories. When we think about any person whom we know and love and want to describe that person to someone else, we start telling stories about them. We don’t just say, ‘my son was kind or my son was funny.’ We tell a story that shows their caring nature or demonstrates their humor. When Arava’s 29-year-old son, Garett, suddenly died of an aneurysm, she turned to stories right away in her healing. Her sister, who is a rabbi, officiated at Garett’s memorial service and asked all those in attendance to share stories with the family. We cannot truly make new memories after our child dies, but if others tell us new stories, we can almost get a new memory. Stories started coming to Arava as the family sat shiva in the first days after Garett’s death. Now, one and a half years later, the stories come less often, but they still come. As each one comes, Arava takes time to write it down and is now compiling a book of stories to be shared with family and friends. The family also started a foundation in Garett's memory to keep his story alive (ghfg.org). Arava really made me think about the power of storytelling. I guess that is truly why I do the podcast each week. I want to give parents a chance to tell stories. I want everyone to get to know that parent’s child a little bit. I want them to be appreciated and even a little loved by someone who might live on the other side of the world. These stories that we share with each other bring us closer together and even closer to our children. As Arava says this week, “Stories bring me such comfort. I feel like I have him back for a minute.” I want us all to feel like we have them back, even if it’s just for a minute.

Faith and grief are often hard for many people to feel at the same time, especially when people are from a Christian background. Christians grow up learning that God has a plan for the world and that God’s Plan is inherently good. We are taught that challenges are placed into our lives in order to help our faith and build us into better people. After the death of a child, those statements that we all accepted are a bit harder to take. I'm not saying that they are not still true, but they are more difficult to accept. We struggle when we don’t like God’s Plan. We feel guilt that perhaps we aren’t good Christians if we are feeling our grief deeply and showing our emotions to the world. Even worse, family and friends often put pressure on us. They encourage us to trust God’s Plan. They are uncomfortable seeing us actively grieve. They get worried that our faith is somehow not strong enough if we show too much emotion. This is why I absolutely love today’s guest, Derek. I can honestly say that I have never spoken to anyone who can cling to God and truly feel the depth of their own personal grief at the exact same moment, as well as Derek. Speaking with him brought me to tears more than once and inspired me in my own faith. He reminds me that God is OK with me feeling my grief. He is patient and does not demand that we push aside our grief in order to show we have faith. We can, and should, hold grief and faith together. Derek is an amazing example of how this can be done well. I hope and pray that I can become a little more like Derek each day.

Meeting today’s guest, Lisa, for the first time on Zoom felt like meeting an old friend. When I was thinking about what to write for this episode, the word that first came into my mind was ‘community.’ That’s what Lisa creates - she creates connections between people and a sense of community. Now, that certainly isn’t what Lisa thought would happen when her daughter, Katie was killed in a car accident 7 years ago, but that is exactly what she has done.

Within two weeks of Katie’s tragic death, Lisa went to her first support group for bereaved moms. She made a decision that night. She looked at several of the women in the group - two, in particular, grabbed her attention. These two women were grieving and talked about their late daughters, but they also laughed and talked about the future. She decided that she would continue living her life with her now smaller family of three. Grief would always be a part of her life, but she did not want it to be her whole life.

Lisa first decided to write a book, Journey to Healing: A Mother’s Guide to Navigating Child Loss. She then realized that moms needed more than a book so she wrote a curriculum to help grieving moms after they read the book. Even that, however, did not seem like enough, so Lisa started something more - a community for grieving mothers. She called her online community, the Angel Mom VIP Community. (find it at griefsupportformoms.com)

This community is truly amazing. The moms meet virtually to support each other weekly. Lisa has resources available to watch online, videos on different topics, and even guest speakers. I love what she has written on her webpage: 

What if there was a way…

 - to live with grief and the heaviness of child loss?

 - to move beyond the pain, beyond the fear, and beyond the anger and guilt?

 - to heal in a way that allows you to remain connected to your child?

 - to cope in a way that helps you balance grief with peace and maybe even joy?

Join me as we explore child loss grief support in traditional and alternative ways to find peace after child loss.

Thank you, Lisa, for providing grieving moms with a place to find support and encouragement, a community where we can feel connected.

I have often heard people being encouraged to be ‘thankful givers.’ It is supposed to inspire us to either give with a thankful heart or be thankful for a giving heart or something along those lines. When we are grieving, however, there is a new almost unimaginable challenge. Now, we are asked to be thankful with a grieving heart or grieve with a thankful heart. How is that even possible? On this week’s podcast released on Thanksgiving Day in the US, Gwen and I really look at what it is like to be thankful during grief. From the outside, it may seem impossible, but it is not. It just can look very different than it used to look. At first, we may only be thankful for a few small things - a ray of sunshine, a hot bath, or an encouraging word from a friend. If that is all that your grieving heart can be thankful for, that can be enough. I loved recording this Livestream episode because so many listeners commented and wrote in ahead of time. What really struck me was what really seemed to rise to the top of the thankfulness list is that we are thankful for each other. When I pour myself into you, you, in turn, pour yourself right back into me, and we both feel a little bit better. This brings me back to that original phrase of being a ‘thankful giver.’ I think we are all at our best when we work together as thankful, giving grievers or grieving, thankful givers or even giving, thankful grievers. It doesn’t really matter what order the words are in. What matters is that they are all there. We grieve better in community, and I know that this year, I am so incredibly thankful for my not-so-little community of grievers.  Thank you.

Our kids should be here. It is simply wrong that they are gone before us. It just is. Nothing that we do or say can make sense of the senseless tragedy of the deaths of our children. When Stef’s 16-year-old son, Alex, died suddenly by suicide, her world was shattered. Their community was in shock. They were ‘The Kummer Family’ - the family who had everything together. They were a family that inspired jealousy in others. Alex was a brilliant, straight-A student who made everyone around him feel special and valued. The Kummers went to church regularly and did family outings together. Certainly, suicide couldn’t enter this family - other families, sure, but not this family.  But just over a year ago now, the unthinkable did happen. Suicide did enter the Kummer Family and stole away Stef’s son, Alex. He got in trouble for something that, although relatively minor, became big in his mind. At that moment, his adolescent brain decided that his family would be better off without him. Alex, the kid who never hurt anyone and was the best friend of everyone, took his own life, devastating all who care for him. Now Stef’s mission in life is to spread the word that no family is immune to suicide. She talks at churches and to other groups sharing Alex’s story. She ends each email that she writes with the phrase, ‘the world is better with you in it.’ Stef wants all parents to openly talk with their children about what to do when suicidal thoughts come, encouraging improved communication among families. Hopefully, by starting these conversations at home, fewer families will have to suffer through the tragedy of losing a child.

Today’s guest, Melo, knows that her life changed in a moment 11 years ago when her infant daughter, Chloe, died. With that death, her life was split in two - the time before Chloe and her new life ‘After Chloe’. After Chloe died, Melo really threw herself into being her mother’s full-time caregiver, but after she died as well, she found herself in the depths of grief. 

Melo was in a deep, dark pit that seemed to have no way out. She struggled to even get out of bed each day. She gained 80 pounds. She even separated from her husband. People likely judged her from the outside, thinking she wasn’t trying to help herself heal, but that is far from the truth. Melo sought the help of 14 different therapists for her grief starting shortly after losing Chloe. With a background in psychology herself, she quickly learned that many therapists simply do not know how to help people grieve.

As Melo ever so slowly began to heal, she found herself drawn to help others in their grief. Eleven years ago, there were few resources for grief. Melo wanted to make sure that other bereaved people, especially bereaved parents, did not feel as alone as she had felt. Four years after Chloe died, a friend challenged her, saying, “what do you want to do with all that you know now?” She did not know the answer to the question immediately and told her friend just that. “I don’t know what to do,” she said, “all I know is that it will be called After Chloe because that is what my life is right now - After Chloe.”

Now, seven years later, After Chloe (afterchloe.com) has become something so much bigger than Chloe and Melo themselves. After Chloe has become a community of grievers supporting each other. Melo shares her personal story with her over 16,000 Instagram followers helping them feel less alone. She sponsors a summit in December focusing on grieving during the holidays. Melo works to spread the message that everyone grieves in their own way, and not only is that OK, but it is actually good.