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Have you ever walked away from a conversation thinking, “Why did I do that… again?”

You care. You love them. You want it to work. And yet when things get intense, you shut down, go quiet, and disappear emotionally.

In this episode of Love Shack Live, we unpack what avoidance really is (hint: it’s not a character flaw) and why shutting down is often a nervous system protection strategy that once worked really well… but now costs you connection.

You’ll learn what’s happening inside the avoidant partner, why the anxious partner panics when the conversation goes silent, and how this dynamic can trap both people in a loop of pressure, withdrawal, and resentment.

Most importantly, we’ll show you a different path: building emotional safety and emotional capacity in small, practical steps so you can come back to the table without spiraling or disappearing.

Because shutting down isn’t who you are. It’s what you learned.

And you can learn something new.

In This Episode, We Cover

• Why emotional withdrawal is one of the strongest predictors of relationship breakdown
• The real reason avoidance happens (and why it can feel like danger in the body)
• What anxious partners often do in response, and why it accidentally makes things worse
• How both partners end up in “shutdown” in different ways
• The shift from courtroom energy (punishment + certainty) to classroom energy (curiosity + skill-building)
• What emotional safety actually is (and why it’s not the same as comfort)
• A simple “start here” practice: rebuilding safety in 5-minute rounds
• A quick emotional temperature check (1–10) to know when you’re resourced enough to talk
• How to get support if you’re stuck in the avoidant/anxious loop

Timestamps: 

03:08 Debunking the ‘They Don’t Care’ Story: Everyone Can Be Avoidant

04:13 What Shutdown Feels Like in the Body (A Real-Life Example)

07:42 Pressure Makes It Worse: The Partner’s Panic & the Stories We Make Up

08:40 Anxious vs. Avoidant: Opposite Coping Styles Collide

09:48 The CPR Metaphor: Why Reassurance Can Feel Suffocating

11:55 Shame, Self-Judgment, and the Spiral on Both Sides

21:52 The Real Goal: Regulate First, Then Come Back to the Table

25:54 ‘Understand Me First’: How Conversations Turn Into Fights

27:55 Be the First to Listen: How One Person Can De‑escalate the Fight

28:56 Understanding Isn’t Contagious: Compassion for Anxious vs. Avoidant Dynamics

30:57 Stop Making Up Stories: Get the ‘Intel’ From the Person, Not Your Head

33:12 The Consensus Trap: Why Friends & Social Media Can’t Explain Your Partner

35:45 “They Don’t Deserve It” vs. “You Do”: Regulate for Your Own Sake

38:18 Courtroom vs. Classroom: Trade Punishment for Curiosity (and the Lightbulb Moment)

41:32 Emotional Safety 101: It’s Uncomfortable, Triggering, and Still Necessary

42:28 The Safety ‘Cheat Sheet’: Slow, Skillful Back‑and‑Forth (5 Minutes at a Time)

50:09 Wrap-Up + Get Support: Key Takeaways, Next Episode, and Clarity Call

52:05 Emotional Capacity ‘Temperature Check’ + Closing Rituals

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Sometimes the most meaningful collaborations don’t start as collaborations at all.

Marnie and Patrick originally came to Staci as clients. Two passionate, creative humans who loved each other deeply, but could feel that love alone wasn’t going to carry them through blended family stress, real-life pressure, and the places where communication gets messy.

Fast forward, and they’re not only thriving, they’re living proof of what happens when people learn skills they were never taught.

In this conversation, we sit down with Marnie and Patrick to talk about the real work of building a relationship that lasts: emotional safety, voice, honest repair, and learning how to stay close even when life is loud.

In this episode, we talk about:

• How “magic” can be real and still not be enough on its own
• The moment you hit the bottom of your bag of tricks and realize you need skills
• The “gap” where assumptions grow and relationships drift (and how to close it)
• What changes when you learn to say the thing… kindly, clearly, and without exploding
• Why emotional safety is the foundation for blended families, grief, and big life transitions
• Novelty vs. grounding: how couples stop fighting their differences and start using them
• A simple but powerful truth: nobody completes you, but the right partnership can expand you
• Why so many people hit a crisis around 40, and what’s actually happening underneath it
• The difference between a “travel itinerary” and an experience that helps you remember you like each other

Want to join us in Tuscany? We’re co-creating a couples retreat in a thousand-year-old castle in Tuscany, Italy. It’s part romance, part relationship skills, part sensory reset. Slow mornings, incredible food, a space that helps you exhale, and daily relationship sessions designed to bring you back to each other.

Book/save your room (only 7 couples): https://stacibartley.com/couples-retreat

Want to taste what Marnie + Patrick create? You can order Solstice Savory Pies online (they ship nationwide) and bring a little “break bread together” energy to your own kitchen.

Order here: https://solsticesavorypies.com/

Want support choosing what’s next? If you’re not sure what you need right now, book a clarity call and we’ll help you find your best next step.

Clarity Call: https://stacibartley.com/apply

And if this episode moved you, share it with someone you care about. Human to human is how this work spreads.

Timestamps: 

04:05 Navigating Blended Families
05:54 Transformative Relationship Skills
08:08 Balancing Individuality and Partnership
14:13 The Challenges of Modern Relationships
20:47 Generational Perspectives on Relationships
29:15 Gratitude for Supportive Partners
30:29 A Strong Partnership
30:52 Tuscany Retreats: A Journey Begins
32:18 The Magic of the Castle
33:50 Immersive Experiences
36:25 Slowing Down in Tuscany
38:12 Etruscan History and Exploration
42:48 Creating Forever Memories
54:46 Savory Pies and Final Thoughts

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When a new year starts, a lot of people quietly hope their relationship will feel lighter by now.

Less tension.

Less distance.

Fewer conversations that end in the same painful place.

But if it still feels hard to get through to each other, this episode is your reminder that you’re not broken and you’re not alone.

In this conversation, we unpack the skill that quietly determines whether your conversations create connection or turn into conflict: emotional regulation.

Because most couples don’t actually need “better communication” first.

They need more emotional stability first.

You’ll learn why emotional regulation is the gateway skill that makes every other relationship tool work, especially when life feels intense, stressful, or unsafe and your nervous system is already carrying too much.

In this episode, we cover:

• Why “we should just talk it through” often backfires when emotions are high
• How stress and uncertainty show up as tone, impatience, and quick reactivity at home
• The missing concept most couples never learned: emotional capacity (and how it impacts conflict)
• How emotional regulation works in real life, using the “emotional plank” metaphor
• The tiny moment where everything changes: catching tension early enough to choose a different response
• A practical reframe that can stop escalation fast: shifting from “don’t want” language to “want” language
• Why emotional regulation is not “being nice,” “stuffing it,” or “letting things slide”
• What to do when you feel like you’re the only one doing the work (and why it still matters)
• A simple practice to build your regulation reps: short rounds of listening, even when you disagree
• A challenge you can try today: a literal plank to connect the body to emotional tension and build awareness

Key takeaway

If conversations keep collapsing, it’s often not because you don’t love each other.

It’s because your nervous systems are overloaded and you’re trying to have hard conversations without the foundation that makes them safe.

Stability first. Clarity second.

Need help getting unstuck?

If you feel like you’re living at the edge of capacity and you can’t find clarity inside the conflict, book a free Clarity Call. It’s a short, supportive conversation to help you slow down, feel seen, and get clear on your next step.

Schedule here: stacibartley.com/apply

Timestamps: 

04:00 The Importance of Emotional Safety at Home
08:03 Emotional Capacity and Resilience
13:07 Practical Examples of Emotional Regulation
18:06 The Power of Choice in Emotional Tension
21:45 Focusing on Solutions, Not Problems
26:23 The Impact of Emotional Awareness on Relationships
28:05 Navigating Relationship Tensions
29:45 Holding Tension for Yourself
32:07 The Power of Demonstrated Behavior
33:32 Practical Steps for Emotional Capacity
35:35 Slowing Down in High-Stress Moments
42:16 Building Emotional Awareness
44:56 The Importance of Emotional Regulation
50:28 Creating Safe Spaces in Relationships

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You walk into the conversation thinking, Okay, this time we’re talking about money. Or parenting. Or sex. Or the thing you agreed on and nobody followed through.

And somehow you still end up in the exact same place: confusion, defensiveness, frustration, and that familiar emotional hangover that lasts way longer than the argument.

In this episode of Love Shack Live, we unpack the real reason couples keep having the same fight on repeat.

Because here’s the twist: most fights stop being about the topic pretty quickly. Once you blamed, misunderstood, or threatened, self-protection takes over and logic doesn’t stand a chance.

You’ll learn how to spot the pattern that’s driving your conflict, why “just communicate better” never works, and what it actually takes to interrupt the cycle in the small window you have before things escalate.

Plus, Staci and Tom revisit their infamous alarm clock fight (yes, again) to show you what it looks like to move from the “courtroom” mindset to the “classroom” mindset… and why understanding the emotional drivers changes everything.

And you’ll leave with a surprisingly fun pattern interrupt you can try the next time things start heating up.

If you’re listening and thinking, This is us, this episode is your next right step.

Timestamps: 

03:17 The 12 Critical Categories in Relationships

04:44 Recognizing and Addressing Behavior Patterns

05:48 The Courtroom vs. The Classroom

15:23 The Alarm Clock Story: A Case Study

22:25 Finding Solutions Through Understanding

25:53 Understanding Your Partner's Experience

28:34 The Impact of Personalization and Defensiveness

30:04 Emotional Coping and Linking Events

32:04 The Importance of Listening

34:13 Breaking the Cycle of Misunderstanding

44:12 Practical Tools for Conflict Resolution

49:55 Pattern Interrupt Dance Party

51:36 Final Thoughts and Encouragement

Want personalized help breaking your pattern?

If you’re stuck in cycles and you want a clear next step, schedule a Clarity Call: https://stacibartley.com/apply

This isn’t about fixing your partner. It’s about identifying the pattern you’re in and learning the skills to interrupt it.

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If you’ve been waiting for the “right time” to talk…

You’re not alone.

A lot of couples don’t look like they’re falling apart. From the outside, life looks fine. But inside, there’s a low-grade tension that never really leaves. You go to bed next to each other. You get through the day. You smile. And you keep telling yourself:

• “I’ll bring it up when things feel less tense.”
• “If I just give it more time, it’ll settle down.”
• “I don’t want to ruin a good day by bringing it up.”
• “If I push, I’ll drive them further away.”

In this episode, we name what’s really happening: hope has quietly turned into a coping strategy.

Hope can be beautiful. It can give you courage. But hope without skills often becomes waiting without change, and the cost shows up later as resentment, emotional distance, blowups, or that hollow feeling of “we’re fine… but we’re not close.”

In this episode, we cover:

• Why tension usually doesn’t “blow up”… it lingers and accumulates
• The difference between patience and avoidance
• The fears hiding underneath “I’ll just wait” (and why they make sense)
• How emotional safety gets fragile, and couples start freezing over what isn’t working
• Why “nothing is blowing up” doesn’t mean things are getting better
• The myth that “once they change, I’ll feel better”
• Why the goal isn’t to get your partner to change, it’s to change how the relationship handles hard moments
• The real skill most couples are missing: equal exchange (sharing + listening without correction, defense, or collapse)
• Why listening is one of the hardest relationship skills (because it requires holding emotional tension)
• What actually creates movement: hope + skills + behavior change

A question we ask that might shift everything: “Am I genuinely hopeful right now… or am I in denial?”

Because waiting often feels like protection. But if you’re reading moods, monitoring body language, and holding your breath for the right moment, you’re not protecting connection. You’re protecting against discomfort.

And that discomfort doesn’t go away. It just gets more expensive.

Try this journal prompt (from the episode): I was hopeful when ________, but deep down, I was really ________.

Examples:

• “I was hopeful when they said ‘we’re fine,’ but deep down I was really afraid we were avoiding the truth.”
• “I was hopeful when I stayed quiet to keep the peace, but deep down I was really disappearing.”
• “I was hopeful when they apologized, but deep down I was really needing to feel understood, not just comforted.”

Want help figuring out your next step? If you’re stuck in the hoping phase, drowning in overthinking, or afraid of making the wrong move next, you don’t need more time. You need a better plan and better skills.

Book a Clarity Call and we’ll help you get clear on what’s actually happening and what to do next, without pressure. Schedule your free call here: https://stacibartley.com/apply

Timestamps:

02:34 Understanding the Impact of Waiting
04:09 The Cost of Avoidance
07:05 Hope vs. Denial
08:13 The Importance of Skills in Relationships
08:59 Conflict and Communication
19:35 Personal Stories and Examples
22:35 Understanding Anxiety in Relationships
24:04 The Impact of Communication on Relationships
26:10 The Importance of Equal Exchange
27:12 Developing Relationship Skills
29:35 The Role of Personal Clarity
30:32 The Challenge of Listening
34:09 Creating Emotional Safety

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It’s a new year, and maybe you caught yourself thinking: This is the year we finally work on us.

Not in a dramatic, “we’re getting divorced” way. More like… you’re tired of the same tension. The same looping conversations. That familiar bracing-in-your-body feeling when you can tell another hard talk is coming.

And if you’re wondering, Why does this still feel so hard if we love each other? this episode is for you.

In this week's episode we're unpacking the real reason relationship resolutions fall apart. Not because you don’t care. Not because you’re not trying. But because most “relationship goals” are outcomes… and nobody taught you the skills required to create them.

You’ll hear why common promises like:

• “We’ll communicate better”
• “We’ll fight less”
• “We’ll stop bringing up the past”
• “We’ll spend more quality time together”

sound logical, but often backfire… especially when emotions spike and your nervous system takes the wheel.

Inside the episode, we talk about:

• Why “just talk about it” isn’t a strategy (and what has to come before big talks)
• The difference between living in the courtroom (judging, building a case) vs the classroom (learning what’s actually happening)
• What couples therapy often gets wrong early on: digging into problems before building safety and permission
• How resentment builds when one partner tries to “grind through” change on willpower alone
• Why avoiding conflict creates a slow-burn disconnection (yes, we go there… hello emotional constipation)
• A simple way to think about relationship skills: love is fuel, but skills are the steering wheel and brakes

If you’ve ever made the resolution to “be better this year” and then found yourselves right back in the same patterns by February… this will land.

And if you’re listening thinking, Okay… but what do we do now? That’s exactly what a Clarity Call is for.

It’s a short, supportive conversation with Tom to help you:

• name what’s actually breaking down (without turning it into a blowup)
• identify the specific skills that are missing or misfiring
• leave with a clear next step that fits your situation

No pressure. No therapy-speak. No trying to “fix everything” in one call. Just clarity and direction.

👉 Schedule your free Clarity Call here: stacibartley.com/apply

Hit play if you want your “new year” to be more than hopeful words. Let’s make it practical.

Listen now, then try this with your partner:

Listen separately, then come back together for 15 minutes and answer:

“What part of this felt the most true for you?”

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When separation comes up, most couples split into two roles fast:

One becomes the Fixer. You want to talk, solve, repair, and close the gap now because the silence feels unbearable.

The other becomes the Escaper. You shut down, pull back, and hope the pressure stops, not because you don’t care, but because you feel emotionally overwhelmed and unsafe in the conversations.

And here’s the trap: both responses make sense… and both make separation harder. The Fixer reaches for connection to feel safe. The Escaper reaches for distance to feel safe. So the more one pursues, the more the other withdraws, and what could have been a reset starts turning into panic on one side and deafening silence on the other.

In today’s episode of Love Shack Live, we're unpacking what’s really happening underneath these two survival patterns and how to interrupt the cycle before “space” quietly becomes distance, drift, or a slow exit.

You’ll learn:

• Why a request for space doesn’t automatically mean the relationship is over
• The most common misconceptions that make separation feel even more terrifying
• How anxiety and depression spike during separation (and why that doesn’t mean you’re “crazy”)
• The difference between space for space’s sake and space with a plan
• Why unstructured space often leads to break-up/make-up cycles
• How to create simple agreements that reduce panic and rebuild trust
• What it actually means to “be okay either way” without shutting down or giving up
• How to become a safer place for the truth, so real repair becomes possible

This episode is for you if you’re in that brutal in-between: wanting connection, needing breathing room, and not knowing how to move forward without making things worse.

And yes, we’ll also remind you of something important: space can be a do-over, not a death sentence, but only if you use it intentionally.

Want help figuring out your next step?

If space or separation has entered your relationship and you don’t know what to do next, Tom is offering a free clarity call to help you get oriented, calm the noise, and map your next best steps, whether that’s together, apart, or somewhere in-between.

Book your call at stacibartley.com/apply.

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Are you stuck in the question that never seems to get answered: Should I stay or should I go?

Some days your relationship feels warm enough to keep trying. Other days it feels so lonely you can’t believe you’re still sharing the same space. If you’re in that place right now, you’re not alone, and you’re not broken.

In this special rebroadcast of one of our most impactful episodes, we dive into what we call the Land of Maybe: the exhausting in-between where couples linger for years, hoping things will change, while quietly running out of emotional gas.

Here’s the truth most people don’t hear soon enough: couples wait an average of six years to get help. By the time they do, it’s not just about conflict anymore, it’s about exhaustion, disconnection, and not knowing what to do next.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• What the Land of Maybe actually looks and feels like inside a relationship
• Why “some days yes, some days no” is emotionally unsustainable
• How blame, avoidance, and waiting it out keep couples stuck
• Why relationship struggles are almost always skills problems, not love problems
• How to slow down instead of making fear-based decisions
• Simple ways to “switch it up” so you can get new information and clarity
• How one person can begin changing the dynamic, even if the other is hesitant

If you’re navigating space or separation, this episode is especially important. Space can be a reset, or it can quietly become a slow exit, depending on what you do during it. We’ll help you understand the difference and show you how to move through this season with intention instead of panic.

Whether you’ve listened to this episode before or you’re brand new to Love Shack Live, we invite you to listen with fresh ears. You’re not the same person you were the first time you questioned your relationship, and your relationship isn’t the same either.

This conversation is about clarity. About skills. And about helping you stop spinning so you can start moving forward in a way that honors you, your partner, and what you truly want next.

Need Support?

If this episode stirred something in you and you’re tired of carrying the “maybe” alone, you don’t have to figure out your next step by yourself.

Tom offers a free clarity call to help you slow things down, get grounded, and see your situation more clearly, without pressure or pushing you in any direction. Whether you’re trying to repair, navigating space, or simply need help deciding what you can’t keep carrying, this call is designed to bring calm, perspective, and direction.

Couples wait an average of six years to get support. If you’re already here, questioning and exhausted, the time is now.

You can book your clarity call at stacibartley.com/apply.

Clarity comes before big decisions. Support comes before repair.

Timestamps: 

02:03 Navigating the Land of Maybe
06:34 Client Story: Janet and Rich
09:07 Understanding and Changing Behavior
16:27 The Importance of Practice and Support
28:23 Convincing a Resistant Partner
28:55 Blame and Guilt in Relationships
29:35 The Impact of Physical Attraction
31:13 Effective Communication Strategies
31:58 Personal Experience and Real-Life Examples
34:32 Navigating Conflicted Feelings
36:43 The Importance of Slowing Down
38:31 Switching Things Up in Relationships
40:00 The Catalyst Effect in Relationships
45:04 The Power of Humor and Fun
51:32 Final Thoughts and Resources

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You were told that love would be enough.

That if you just cared more, tried harder, stayed patient, and didn’t give up, your relationship would work itself out. So when the distance crept in, when conversations started going sideways, when you felt lonely sitting right next to the person you love, you told yourself to love harder.

But love isn’t what translates your emotions into words.

Love doesn’t create emotional safety when conversations get tense.

And love alone can’t bridge the gap between two people living in very different emotional worlds.

Skills do.

In this episode of Love Shack Live, we sit down to break down the three core relationship skills that most couples are missing when they feel disconnected, misunderstood, or stuck in the same painful patterns.

You’ll learn:

• Why loving each other deeply still isn’t enough to prevent conflict and emotional distance
• The #1 skill couples need to stop reacting and start understanding each other
• How emotional safety actually works (and why most couples don’t have it)
• Why differences in perspective create so much conflict and how to stop taking everything personally
• How unresolved emotional “messy dishes” pile up and quietly erode connection over time

Through real client stories and honest conversation, this episode shows why relationships don’t fail because of a lack of love. They struggle because no one taught us the skills required to communicate, regulate emotions, and truly understand one another.

If you’ve been asking yourself:

• “Why do we keep having the same fight?”
• “Why do I feel so misunderstood?”
• “Why does love feel harder than it should?”

This episode will give you clarity, relief, and a different way forward.

Love is real. It matters.

But skills are what make love safe, lasting, and livable.

Love Isn’t Enough. Skills Get You Through the Holidays.

If the holidays already feel heavy and you’re trying not to spiral, you don’t need more information. You need tools you can use in the moment.

That’s why I created the Holiday Survival Bundle: the Holiday Stress Test + 3 micro-skill programs to help you calm the tension, communicate more clearly, and stay connected when things get stressful.

$97 or 2 payments of $55: https://stacibartley.com/holiday-bundle-nc

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Have you ever walked into a holiday gathering with a smile on your face and a knot in your stomach? You’re passing the potatoes, making small talk, and meanwhile you’re sitting on years of unspoken hurt, unresolved conversations, and roles you never quite chose but still end up playing.

In this episode of Love Shack Live, we’re talking directly to you if your relationship (or family dynamics) already feel shaky and the holidays crank everything up to a ten. We’ll unpack why this season doesn’t create conflict, it magnifies what’s been left unresolved... old wounds, family roles, people pleasing, anxious attachment, and the “keep the peace at all costs” habits that quietly erode connection.

Inside, we explore:

• What conflict actually is: the collision between our expectations and reality
• How people pleasing and staying “nice” often keeps you stuck in illusion instead of reality
• Why unresolved tension turns tiny comments into huge reactions around the table
• What it really means to emotionally regulate (and why it’s more like holding a plank than being perfectly calm)
• How to see conflict as information, not danger, so you can respond instead of explode or shut down
• Our “holiday decoder” for common one-liners (“Let’s just keep it simple this year,” “Let’s not talk about politics,” etc.) and what’s really being said underneath

If you’re tired of dreading gatherings, biting your tongue, or blowing up and then regretting it, this conversation will help you start seeing conflict differently – as a doorway to clarity instead of a sign that everything’s falling apart.

Want extra support this holiday season?

If things already feel tense or overwhelming, the Holiday Survival Bundle gives you the tools to steady yourself fast.

For $97 or 2 payments of $55, you’ll get:

• The Holiday Stress Test to pinpoint your exact pressure points
• Three core relationship skill programs to help you:
  • regulate your emotions
  • communicate without blowups
  • stay connected during the hardest weeks of the year

These tools are simple, fast to use, and made for real-life holiday chaos.

Get the bundle here: https://stacibartley.com/holiday-bundle-nc

Timestamps: 

02:09 Unresolved History and Family Roles
06:18 Understanding Conflict: Expectations vs. Reality
10:08 The Illusion of People Pleasing
12:36 Emotional Regulation and Communication
14:54 Practical Examples and Skills for Conflict Resolution
21:08 The Importance of Emotional Tension
25:33 Recognizing the Precipice: Taking a Pause
25:52 The Power of Movement: Shake a Bush
26:11 Emotional Regulation in Relationships
28:49 Understanding Conflict and Chaos
33:25 Navigating Holiday Stress
35:37 Introducing the Holiday Survival Bundle
38:20 Fan Mail and Listener Questions
41:20 Holiday Conversation Decoder Challenge
45:13 Final Thoughts and Resources