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You walk into the conversation thinking, Okay, this time we’re talking about money. Or parenting. Or sex. Or the thing you agreed on and nobody followed through.

And somehow you still end up in the exact same place: confusion, defensiveness, frustration, and that familiar emotional hangover that lasts way longer than the argument.

In this episode of Love Shack Live, we unpack the real reason couples keep having the same fight on repeat.

Because here’s the twist: most fights stop being about the topic pretty quickly. Once you blamed, misunderstood, or threatened, self-protection takes over and logic doesn’t stand a chance.

You’ll learn how to spot the pattern that’s driving your conflict, why “just communicate better” never works, and what it actually takes to interrupt the cycle in the small window you have before things escalate.

Plus, Staci and Tom revisit their infamous alarm clock fight (yes, again) to show you what it looks like to move from the “courtroom” mindset to the “classroom” mindset… and why understanding the emotional drivers changes everything.

And you’ll leave with a surprisingly fun pattern interrupt you can try the next time things start heating up.

If you’re listening and thinking, This is us, this episode is your next right step.

Timestamps: 

03:17 The 12 Critical Categories in Relationships

04:44 Recognizing and Addressing Behavior Patterns

05:48 The Courtroom vs. The Classroom

15:23 The Alarm Clock Story: A Case Study

22:25 Finding Solutions Through Understanding

25:53 Understanding Your Partner's Experience

28:34 The Impact of Personalization and Defensiveness

30:04 Emotional Coping and Linking Events

32:04 The Importance of Listening

34:13 Breaking the Cycle of Misunderstanding

44:12 Practical Tools for Conflict Resolution

49:55 Pattern Interrupt Dance Party

51:36 Final Thoughts and Encouragement

Want personalized help breaking your pattern?

If you’re stuck in cycles and you want a clear next step, schedule a Clarity Call: https://stacibartley.com/apply

This isn’t about fixing your partner. It’s about identifying the pattern you’re in and learning the skills to interrupt it.

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If you’ve been waiting for the “right time” to talk…

You’re not alone.

A lot of couples don’t look like they’re falling apart. From the outside, life looks fine. But inside, there’s a low-grade tension that never really leaves. You go to bed next to each other. You get through the day. You smile. And you keep telling yourself:

• “I’ll bring it up when things feel less tense.”
• “If I just give it more time, it’ll settle down.”
• “I don’t want to ruin a good day by bringing it up.”
• “If I push, I’ll drive them further away.”

In this episode, we name what’s really happening: hope has quietly turned into a coping strategy.

Hope can be beautiful. It can give you courage. But hope without skills often becomes waiting without change, and the cost shows up later as resentment, emotional distance, blowups, or that hollow feeling of “we’re fine… but we’re not close.”

In this episode, we cover:

• Why tension usually doesn’t “blow up”… it lingers and accumulates
• The difference between patience and avoidance
• The fears hiding underneath “I’ll just wait” (and why they make sense)
• How emotional safety gets fragile, and couples start freezing over what isn’t working
• Why “nothing is blowing up” doesn’t mean things are getting better
• The myth that “once they change, I’ll feel better”
• Why the goal isn’t to get your partner to change, it’s to change how the relationship handles hard moments
• The real skill most couples are missing: equal exchange (sharing + listening without correction, defense, or collapse)
• Why listening is one of the hardest relationship skills (because it requires holding emotional tension)
• What actually creates movement: hope + skills + behavior change

A question we ask that might shift everything: “Am I genuinely hopeful right now… or am I in denial?”

Because waiting often feels like protection. But if you’re reading moods, monitoring body language, and holding your breath for the right moment, you’re not protecting connection. You’re protecting against discomfort.

And that discomfort doesn’t go away. It just gets more expensive.

Try this journal prompt (from the episode): I was hopeful when ________, but deep down, I was really ________.

Examples:

• “I was hopeful when they said ‘we’re fine,’ but deep down I was really afraid we were avoiding the truth.”
• “I was hopeful when I stayed quiet to keep the peace, but deep down I was really disappearing.”
• “I was hopeful when they apologized, but deep down I was really needing to feel understood, not just comforted.”

Want help figuring out your next step? If you’re stuck in the hoping phase, drowning in overthinking, or afraid of making the wrong move next, you don’t need more time. You need a better plan and better skills.

Book a Clarity Call and we’ll help you get clear on what’s actually happening and what to do next, without pressure. Schedule your free call here: https://stacibartley.com/apply

Timestamps:

02:34 Understanding the Impact of Waiting
04:09 The Cost of Avoidance
07:05 Hope vs. Denial
08:13 The Importance of Skills in Relationships
08:59 Conflict and Communication
19:35 Personal Stories and Examples
22:35 Understanding Anxiety in Relationships
24:04 The Impact of Communication on Relationships
26:10 The Importance of Equal Exchange
27:12 Developing Relationship Skills
29:35 The Role of Personal Clarity
30:32 The Challenge of Listening
34:09 Creating Emotional Safety

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It’s a new year, and maybe you caught yourself thinking: This is the year we finally work on us.

Not in a dramatic, “we’re getting divorced” way. More like… you’re tired of the same tension. The same looping conversations. That familiar bracing-in-your-body feeling when you can tell another hard talk is coming.

And if you’re wondering, Why does this still feel so hard if we love each other? this episode is for you.

In this week's episode we're unpacking the real reason relationship resolutions fall apart. Not because you don’t care. Not because you’re not trying. But because most “relationship goals” are outcomes… and nobody taught you the skills required to create them.

You’ll hear why common promises like:

• “We’ll communicate better”
• “We’ll fight less”
• “We’ll stop bringing up the past”
• “We’ll spend more quality time together”

sound logical, but often backfire… especially when emotions spike and your nervous system takes the wheel.

Inside the episode, we talk about:

• Why “just talk about it” isn’t a strategy (and what has to come before big talks)
• The difference between living in the courtroom (judging, building a case) vs the classroom (learning what’s actually happening)
• What couples therapy often gets wrong early on: digging into problems before building safety and permission
• How resentment builds when one partner tries to “grind through” change on willpower alone
• Why avoiding conflict creates a slow-burn disconnection (yes, we go there… hello emotional constipation)
• A simple way to think about relationship skills: love is fuel, but skills are the steering wheel and brakes

If you’ve ever made the resolution to “be better this year” and then found yourselves right back in the same patterns by February… this will land.

And if you’re listening thinking, Okay… but what do we do now? That’s exactly what a Clarity Call is for.

It’s a short, supportive conversation with Tom to help you:

• name what’s actually breaking down (without turning it into a blowup)
• identify the specific skills that are missing or misfiring
• leave with a clear next step that fits your situation

No pressure. No therapy-speak. No trying to “fix everything” in one call. Just clarity and direction.

👉 Schedule your free Clarity Call here: stacibartley.com/apply

Hit play if you want your “new year” to be more than hopeful words. Let’s make it practical.

Listen now, then try this with your partner:

Listen separately, then come back together for 15 minutes and answer:

“What part of this felt the most true for you?”

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When separation comes up, most couples split into two roles fast:

One becomes the Fixer. You want to talk, solve, repair, and close the gap now because the silence feels unbearable.

The other becomes the Escaper. You shut down, pull back, and hope the pressure stops, not because you don’t care, but because you feel emotionally overwhelmed and unsafe in the conversations.

And here’s the trap: both responses make sense… and both make separation harder. The Fixer reaches for connection to feel safe. The Escaper reaches for distance to feel safe. So the more one pursues, the more the other withdraws, and what could have been a reset starts turning into panic on one side and deafening silence on the other.

In today’s episode of Love Shack Live, we're unpacking what’s really happening underneath these two survival patterns and how to interrupt the cycle before “space” quietly becomes distance, drift, or a slow exit.

You’ll learn:

• Why a request for space doesn’t automatically mean the relationship is over
• The most common misconceptions that make separation feel even more terrifying
• How anxiety and depression spike during separation (and why that doesn’t mean you’re “crazy”)
• The difference between space for space’s sake and space with a plan
• Why unstructured space often leads to break-up/make-up cycles
• How to create simple agreements that reduce panic and rebuild trust
• What it actually means to “be okay either way” without shutting down or giving up
• How to become a safer place for the truth, so real repair becomes possible

This episode is for you if you’re in that brutal in-between: wanting connection, needing breathing room, and not knowing how to move forward without making things worse.

And yes, we’ll also remind you of something important: space can be a do-over, not a death sentence, but only if you use it intentionally.

Want help figuring out your next step?

If space or separation has entered your relationship and you don’t know what to do next, Tom is offering a free clarity call to help you get oriented, calm the noise, and map your next best steps, whether that’s together, apart, or somewhere in-between.

Book your call at stacibartley.com/apply.

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Are you stuck in the question that never seems to get answered: Should I stay or should I go?

Some days your relationship feels warm enough to keep trying. Other days it feels so lonely you can’t believe you’re still sharing the same space. If you’re in that place right now, you’re not alone, and you’re not broken.

In this special rebroadcast of one of our most impactful episodes, we dive into what we call the Land of Maybe: the exhausting in-between where couples linger for years, hoping things will change, while quietly running out of emotional gas.

Here’s the truth most people don’t hear soon enough: couples wait an average of six years to get help. By the time they do, it’s not just about conflict anymore, it’s about exhaustion, disconnection, and not knowing what to do next.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• What the Land of Maybe actually looks and feels like inside a relationship
• Why “some days yes, some days no” is emotionally unsustainable
• How blame, avoidance, and waiting it out keep couples stuck
• Why relationship struggles are almost always skills problems, not love problems
• How to slow down instead of making fear-based decisions
• Simple ways to “switch it up” so you can get new information and clarity
• How one person can begin changing the dynamic, even if the other is hesitant

If you’re navigating space or separation, this episode is especially important. Space can be a reset, or it can quietly become a slow exit, depending on what you do during it. We’ll help you understand the difference and show you how to move through this season with intention instead of panic.

Whether you’ve listened to this episode before or you’re brand new to Love Shack Live, we invite you to listen with fresh ears. You’re not the same person you were the first time you questioned your relationship, and your relationship isn’t the same either.

This conversation is about clarity. About skills. And about helping you stop spinning so you can start moving forward in a way that honors you, your partner, and what you truly want next.

Need Support?

If this episode stirred something in you and you’re tired of carrying the “maybe” alone, you don’t have to figure out your next step by yourself.

Tom offers a free clarity call to help you slow things down, get grounded, and see your situation more clearly, without pressure or pushing you in any direction. Whether you’re trying to repair, navigating space, or simply need help deciding what you can’t keep carrying, this call is designed to bring calm, perspective, and direction.

Couples wait an average of six years to get support. If you’re already here, questioning and exhausted, the time is now.

You can book your clarity call at stacibartley.com/apply.

Clarity comes before big decisions. Support comes before repair.

Timestamps: 

02:03 Navigating the Land of Maybe
06:34 Client Story: Janet and Rich
09:07 Understanding and Changing Behavior
16:27 The Importance of Practice and Support
28:23 Convincing a Resistant Partner
28:55 Blame and Guilt in Relationships
29:35 The Impact of Physical Attraction
31:13 Effective Communication Strategies
31:58 Personal Experience and Real-Life Examples
34:32 Navigating Conflicted Feelings
36:43 The Importance of Slowing Down
38:31 Switching Things Up in Relationships
40:00 The Catalyst Effect in Relationships
45:04 The Power of Humor and Fun
51:32 Final Thoughts and Resources

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You were told that love would be enough.

That if you just cared more, tried harder, stayed patient, and didn’t give up, your relationship would work itself out. So when the distance crept in, when conversations started going sideways, when you felt lonely sitting right next to the person you love, you told yourself to love harder.

But love isn’t what translates your emotions into words.

Love doesn’t create emotional safety when conversations get tense.

And love alone can’t bridge the gap between two people living in very different emotional worlds.

Skills do.

In this episode of Love Shack Live, we sit down to break down the three core relationship skills that most couples are missing when they feel disconnected, misunderstood, or stuck in the same painful patterns.

You’ll learn:

• Why loving each other deeply still isn’t enough to prevent conflict and emotional distance
• The #1 skill couples need to stop reacting and start understanding each other
• How emotional safety actually works (and why most couples don’t have it)
• Why differences in perspective create so much conflict and how to stop taking everything personally
• How unresolved emotional “messy dishes” pile up and quietly erode connection over time

Through real client stories and honest conversation, this episode shows why relationships don’t fail because of a lack of love. They struggle because no one taught us the skills required to communicate, regulate emotions, and truly understand one another.

If you’ve been asking yourself:

• “Why do we keep having the same fight?”
• “Why do I feel so misunderstood?”
• “Why does love feel harder than it should?”

This episode will give you clarity, relief, and a different way forward.

Love is real. It matters.

But skills are what make love safe, lasting, and livable.

Love Isn’t Enough. Skills Get You Through the Holidays.

If the holidays already feel heavy and you’re trying not to spiral, you don’t need more information. You need tools you can use in the moment.

That’s why I created the Holiday Survival Bundle: the Holiday Stress Test + 3 micro-skill programs to help you calm the tension, communicate more clearly, and stay connected when things get stressful.

$97 or 2 payments of $55: https://stacibartley.com/holiday-bundle-nc

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Have you ever walked into a holiday gathering with a smile on your face and a knot in your stomach? You’re passing the potatoes, making small talk, and meanwhile you’re sitting on years of unspoken hurt, unresolved conversations, and roles you never quite chose but still end up playing.

In this episode of Love Shack Live, we’re talking directly to you if your relationship (or family dynamics) already feel shaky and the holidays crank everything up to a ten. We’ll unpack why this season doesn’t create conflict, it magnifies what’s been left unresolved... old wounds, family roles, people pleasing, anxious attachment, and the “keep the peace at all costs” habits that quietly erode connection.

Inside, we explore:

• What conflict actually is: the collision between our expectations and reality
• How people pleasing and staying “nice” often keeps you stuck in illusion instead of reality
• Why unresolved tension turns tiny comments into huge reactions around the table
• What it really means to emotionally regulate (and why it’s more like holding a plank than being perfectly calm)
• How to see conflict as information, not danger, so you can respond instead of explode or shut down
• Our “holiday decoder” for common one-liners (“Let’s just keep it simple this year,” “Let’s not talk about politics,” etc.) and what’s really being said underneath

If you’re tired of dreading gatherings, biting your tongue, or blowing up and then regretting it, this conversation will help you start seeing conflict differently – as a doorway to clarity instead of a sign that everything’s falling apart.

Want extra support this holiday season?

If things already feel tense or overwhelming, the Holiday Survival Bundle gives you the tools to steady yourself fast.

For $97 or 2 payments of $55, you’ll get:

• The Holiday Stress Test to pinpoint your exact pressure points
• Three core relationship skill programs to help you:
  • regulate your emotions
  • communicate without blowups
  • stay connected during the hardest weeks of the year

These tools are simple, fast to use, and made for real-life holiday chaos.

Get the bundle here: https://stacibartley.com/holiday-bundle-nc

Timestamps: 

02:09 Unresolved History and Family Roles
06:18 Understanding Conflict: Expectations vs. Reality
10:08 The Illusion of People Pleasing
12:36 Emotional Regulation and Communication
14:54 Practical Examples and Skills for Conflict Resolution
21:08 The Importance of Emotional Tension
25:33 Recognizing the Precipice: Taking a Pause
25:52 The Power of Movement: Shake a Bush
26:11 Emotional Regulation in Relationships
28:49 Understanding Conflict and Chaos
33:25 Navigating Holiday Stress
35:37 Introducing the Holiday Survival Bundle
38:20 Fan Mail and Listener Questions
41:20 Holiday Conversation Decoder Challenge
45:13 Final Thoughts and Resources

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When your relationship is already on the rocks, the holidays don’t feel magical. They feel brittle. One sharp comment in the kitchen, one loaded question at the dinner table, and suddenly everyone is walking on eggshells just trying to “get through it.”

In this episode of Love Shack Live, Staci, Tom, and Brooke talk honestly about why the holidays hit struggling couples so hard. They unpack the collision between Hallmark expectations and real-life pressure: money stress, family dynamics, political tension, old wounds, and the silent agreements to “just make it good for the kids” and deal with the relationship later.

You’ll hear real stories from their own family table, along with the emotional patterns they see every year in their work with couples. And instead of white-knuckling your way to January, Staci shares the exact skills that help you steady yourself when things get tense:

• How to set realistic expectations so you don’t collapse under pressure
• How to slow your nervous system when you’re spinning up
• How to create tiny rituals of connection, even if you’re separated
• How to set agreements with your partner before you walk into the holiday chaos
• How to repair quickly when something goes sideways

And because so many listeners have asked what they can do right now to avoid another painful, disconnected holiday season, Staci created something special for this moment:

🎁 The Holiday Survival Bundle: a limited-release set of relationship skills for navigating the season with more calm, clarity, and connection. It includes:

✓ 3 proven skills programs

✓ The Holiday Stress Test (your personal roadmap of where tension will hit)

✓ A private mini-session with Staci (only 20 available)

If the holidays already feel heavy, or you know you don’t want to repeat last year’s patterns, this is your next best step. It’s simple, practical, and designed to help you feel steadier fast.

✨ Grab your Holiday Survival Bundle while the 1:1 spots are still open:

stacibartley.com/holiday-bundle

Timestamps: 

04:17 The Pressure of Expectations
06:37 The Importance of Relationship Skills
19:38 Realistic Expectations for the Holidays
21:18 The Power of Slowing Down
26:12 Communication and Emotional Regulation Skills
30:32 Understanding Emotional Motivators
34:05 Family Dynamics and Religion
34:39 The Power of Understanding
36:15 Modeling Behavior for the Next Generation
37:12 The Gift of Listening
39:00 Managing Family Interactions
39:46 Setting Realistic Expectations
42:32 Handling Difficult Conversations
44:27 Creating a Supportive Environment
46:38 Navigating Separation During Holidays
50:34 Bringing Joy to the Holidays
52:42 Introducing the Holiday Survival Bundle
56:49 Fan Mail and Practical Tips
01:00:50 Closing Thoughts and Resources

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Have you ever looked around your life and thought, “I didn’t plan to end up here”? Maybe you’re standing in that uneasy space between what was and what’s next, holding on, letting go, or trying to begin again.

In this episode of Love Shack Live, Staci, Tom, and Brooke open a deeply honest conversation about what it means to rebuild, heal, and love again. They share the emotional skills that transform heartbreak into growth, awareness, emotional regulation, communication that actually works, and connection that feels safe instead of scary.

You’ll also hear a major announcement: The Dating Rebellion, a new community inside the Better Love Club created for people who are ready to date differently. It’s not a dating app or matchmaking service; it’s a movement for those tired of ghosting, games, and performance. It’s for anyone ready to meet others with courage, self-awareness, and genuine presence.

Throughout the episode, we unpack the real reason most relationships end (it’s not lack of love), why emotional burnout destroys connection, and how to build capacity again, not just to survive, but to show up fully in love. They remind us that the relationship cycle doesn’t really end. Whether you’re in space and separation, trying to save your marriage, or dipping your toes back into dating, the skills are the same.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why love fails when emotional “gas tanks” run dry, and how to refill them
• The difference between communication tips and true emotional skill
• How to regulate your nervous system before you try to reconnect
• What the Dating Rebellion is (and what it’s not)
• How to move from heartbreak to healing, and then into healthy new love

Because love doesn’t end when a relationship does. It transforms.

And when we learn the real skills of love, the human kind, we discover that we are the algorithm.

Timestamps:
02:32 The Importance of Emotional Awareness
05:01 Facing Ourselves: The Courage to Seek Help
09:10 Emotional Weightlifting: Building Resilience
17:54 Communication Mastery: Expressing Needs and Cleaning Up Messes
22:22 The Importance of Relationship Skills
23:04 The Disney Fairytale Myth
25:28 Emotional Capacity and Burnout
27:56 The Man Who Kept Showing Up
30:56 Introducing The Dating Rebellion
37:18 Upcoming Events and Retreats
41:21 Fan Mail and Final Thoughts

💞 Resources Mentioned in This Episode

1. Join The Dating Rebellion: https://dating-rebellion.scoreapp.com/
2. The Better Love Club: https://stacibartley.com/better-love-club
3. Episode 247: From Roommates to Lovers Again: The Skills That Bring You Back Together: https://stacibartley.com/from-roommates-to-lovers-again-the-skills-that-bring-you-back-together/
4. Couples Retreat (Tuscany 2026): Save your spot this Monday, Nov 10

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You’re not fighting. You’re just… quiet. The kind of quiet that hums with tension instead of peace. Conversations stay about the calendar, the kids, and dinner, but not each other. You can feel the gap growing even while you sit side by side, and you catch yourself wondering, when did we stop being best friends?

If you’re tired of “fine,” tired of feeling like roommates, and unsure how to turn things around without starting another argument, this episode is for you.

In this week’s conversation, Staci, Tom, and Brooke unpack what really causes emotional drift in long-term relationships (and why it doesn’t mean your love is gone). They’ll walk you through how to:

• Recognize the early signs of disconnection before it becomes distance
• Talk about what’s missing without triggering defensiveness
• Create real connection even when space has crept in
• Handle the panic that comes with silence and mixed signals
• And rebuild that sense of us, even after years of slow drift

You’ll also hear Staci’s response to a powerful listener question from a father navigating space with his wife while raising kids under the same roof.

This episode will help you see that the solution isn’t trying harder, it’s learning a new skill set for love.

Timestamps: 

03:04 Listener's Question: Navigating Parenting & Space in Relationships
04:26 Effective Communication: Addressing Concerns with Empathy
09:03 Understanding Defensiveness in Relationships
12:35 The Natural Decline: Why Relationships Drift Apart
16:35 Emotional Nuances: The Key to Genuine Connection
20:48 The Illusion of Connection: When Reality Hits
26:14 The Emotional Landscape: Beyond Physical Logistics
31:12 The Power of Co-Creation: Building Stronger Bonds
33:25 Understanding Emotional Nuances
34:18 The Genius of Love Languages
35:52 The Danger of Labels
37:16 Reflective Assessments
39:24 The Importance of Emotional Skills
42:27 Rich and Janet's Story
46:58 Paths to Save Your Marriage
56:55 Creating a Calm Kit
01:00:36 Conclusion and Resources

Mentioned in this episode

Love in Limbo: 30-Day Roadmap (Self-Paced): https://stacibartley.com/30-day-roadmap

Surviving Space Self-Assessment Quiz: https://space-assessment.scoreapp.com/

Save Your Marriage: VIP Program: https://stacibartley.com/vip-program

Save Your Marriage: A Blueprint for Avoiding Divorce: https://stacibartley.com/save-your-marriage-blueprint-to-avoid-divorcce

Have a question about love and relationships? We’re featuring one listener question or story each week. Send yours through the “Send us a text” link at the top of this episode description. Add your email if you’d like a reply.