Mama Shrink

Assertiveness is a challenge for a lot of people including myself. Over the years, I have gotten much better with being assertive but I am still a work in progress.

So many women struggle and worry about appearing mean or nasty if they attempt to be assertive. My goal for this episode is to make you realize that if we do not become assertive, we may end up hurting ourselves in the long-run. So being assertive is really important in our lives and in our relationships with others.

Before I start the episode, I want to share that my new Ebook “Ending Mama Guilt: How to Find Happiness, Set Boundaries, and Engage in Self-Care without Guilt” is now available for free. Head on over to www.mamashrink.com to grab your copy now. If you know someone else that could benefit from this book, please feel free to share the link with them.

 

[3:48] Assertiveness is a means of self-care that involves communicating honestly with yourself and with other people in a way that takes into account your rights and their rights.

[4:24] Assertiveness means taking care of ourselves while doing it in a way that is not mean to yourself or someone else.

[5:20] Assertiveness is not mean, it’s a way to be seen and heard, and it takes practice.

[6:43] When were not assertive we can become sad, angry, depressed, frustrated, and/or anxious because we feel our needs are not being met. People don’t always know what we need and it is our responsibility to let them know.

We may end up feeling like a victim to our circumstances, like no one understands or gets us. Being assertive is essential in healthy relationships and to our physical health.

[08:36] Becoming assertive will take some practice and it may initially very difficult to do, especially if you are a people pleaser. People around us might not be happy when we start to become assertive because they want things to stay the same. People you will feel the most resistance are those energy vampires in our lives.

[15:40] The opposite of being assertive is being passive, passive-aggressive and aggressive. Most people fall into the passive-aggressive state.

[16:11] Being passive is completely not sticking up for yourself. You just say yes to everything, you are a complete people pleaser, and you do everything someone asks you to do. Sometimes you end up completely burnt out and resentful with no self-worth.

[19:17] The aggressive person usually acts out in a hostile fashion without any regard for others, sometimes resorting to verbal or physical attacks and mental manipulation. It is usually the result of stored up anger or not speaking up or being raised in a home with aggressive parents. If you find yourself in an aggressive relationship, do whatever you can to get out of it.

[24:11] Passive-Aggressive is where you are afraid of speaking up or don’t know how. It can feel scary if we don’t want to speak our mind or don’t want someone to be mad at us. There are so many examples of being passive-aggressive and I give you concrete examples on how to become more assertive during these situations.

[38:29] Assertiveness is getting in touch with yourself, bodily reactions, feelings, your truth and expressing it in a positive way. You can take adult “time outs” before you say anything especially when experiencing emotionally charged feelings.

[43:10] Remember, being assertive will begin to feel good to you over time because you are expressing what you need, you are taking their rights into account, and doing it in a kind and compassionate way. However, this does not always mean the person on the receiving end is going to do what you want them to do. You have to be okay when you disappoint other people.

[44:58] I give you examples of differences of passive, passive-aggressive, aggressive and assertive responses in common life situations.

[47:21] There’s lots of reasons for people not wanting to speak up, including fear. Stay away from energy vampires and professional victims. Be with people who can accept your tr

Perfectionism is something that I’ve seen in so many patients that I treat as a psychologist. I was also a perfectionist myself and now call myself a “perfectionist in recovery.” I have struggled with it and I also see so much of it in other women which is why I decided to talk about it in today’s episode.

I’ll be breaking perfectionism down for you to help you let go of this epidemic that can destroy not only you, but the people you around you as well. So it’s super important to be able to be aware of it and then let it go. It’s not an easy thing to do but it’s something you can always work towards.

Before I start the episode, I want to share that my new ebook “Ending Mama Guilt: How to Find Happiness, Set Boundaries, and Engage in Self-Care without Guilt” is now out for free. Head over to mamashrink.com to grab your own copy now.

[03:33] Perfection is something that is externally driven. Something that you want to achieve to better yourself and feel good about is internally driven.

[04:53] Perfectionism is an epidemic. Its symptoms manifest in different ways in different disorders. It doesn’t only take a toll on yourself but on your relationships, as well.

[06:37] Perfection is impossible. You have to know when it’s enough.

[07:34] The 10 signs of perfectionism: setting extremely high standards, extremely self critical, highly concerned about others view you, need for approval, failure is not an option, need for things to be flawless, inability to relax unless everything is in order, rigidity and thinking, you want to please others, and you never achieve enough because there’s always more. Do any of these ring a bell for you?

[09:23] “We can’t change it until we own it.” You have to own that something rings through to you and then you can start to change it. But also recognize that change is hard and takes practice.

[10:03] The problem with perfectionism is that it comes with perks such as secondary gains which is why we keep engaging in it and have a hard time letting go of it. Some examples are: we feel proud we aren’t lazy, we get straight A’s, we have a successful job, a perfect body, and so on.

[11:07] The heart of perfectionism is being highly concerned about what others think of you. Perfection is externally driven - it’s worrying about what other people think. It’s hard to let go of because it’s natural for us to compare ourselves to other people.

[12:32] Think about what this is passing down to our children. They see and absorb what we model for them. Sometimes we don’t realize that we’re passing on perfectionism to our children.

[14:40] The perks of perfectionism come at a huge cost. You have to realize it, take a step back and let things go. It is toxic!

[16:51] No one is perfect. It’s important to say it to yourself and say it out loud. It’s impossible because there’s always something else that you’ll feel the need to be perfect at.

[18:20] Separate perfectionism from achieving. Achieving things is fine but it’s not going to be perfect and you’ll probably achieve less if they have to be perfect. Procrastinators are often perfectionists. Perfectionism can stop you from achieving a lot of things in your life.

[21:16] Be aware of perfectionism. Perfectionism is an all time high and a lot of research is pointing towards social media where we constantly compare ourselves to others and put things onto us that may not be realistic.

[23:14] Top things that lead to being perfectionistic: genetics and growing up in homes with abuse, neglect, overly controlling parents, or incompetent parents.

[27:58] Our kids need to feel they belong. By belonging it means that no matter what happens in the outside world, they will feel they belong in their family. It ties up to perfectionism when they feel that they aren’t good enough or they are not allowed to make mistakes. Make your kids feel that your home is their safe place. If they don’t feel they belong in their own home or family, they are going to feel the need to be

The dreaded mommy guilt is so prevalent, difficult, and happens to all us moms. Being a mom isn’t an easy job, having a job while being a mom is twice the heartache. I hope this episode helps you to alleviate your mama guilt by helping you realize that you don’t need to feel guilty for wanting or needing to do what we need to do in order to take care of our children and ourselves.

Guilt doesn’t serve us and it’s very hard for us to cope with it. I have experienced mommy guilt myself many times. I’m going to be sharing with you some of the things I’ve done to alleviate my own guilt, while sharing my professional knowledge in this area.

 [03:23] When we talk about mom-guilt, we feel inferior or not good enough. Professional women experience this a lot after having a child and needing to return to work.

 [05:44] Moms should start supporting each other, stop feeling guilty, stop comparing yourself to others, and stop judging each other. It doesn’t make us a bad mom if we want to do things outside of parenting our children.

 [11:19] It’s okay to do other things than being a mom. Don’t feel that there’s something wrong with you if you want to do other things in your life too.

 [14:00] Mommy guilt can lead to depression, anxiety, anger, negative thoughts, beating yourself up, comparing yourself to others. When this happens it can cause you to overwork, overeat, or self-medicate with alcohol or food.

 [16:12] As moms we have the need for perfectionism. But it just doesn’t exist. And we have to be okay giving 60% or 80%. You will have “off days” and that’s okay. Being a mom is hard! We should stop pretending that we all have it together. It doesn’t serve us and it does not make other moms feel supported.

 [20:30] Acknowledge & accept that it’s okay if you want to go to work and enjoy having time away from your kids. It doesn’t make you a bad mom. Keep in mind why you do what you do.

 [21:15] What is most important is the quality of time that we spend with our kids, not the quantity.

 [22:54] You don’t want to end up resenting your child because you didn’t do the things you wanted to do while you were raising your children. Too many moms come to see me after their children leave home (as they should) and they feel lost in their life. I hear so many moms saying they don’t know who they are outside of being a mom.

 [25:13] Build up your resilience and do not engage in feeling shame or guilt for wanting to do things outside of being a mom. Sometimes we become more resilient by pushing through the hard things that hurt our hearts.

 [26:39] Give yourself time to adjust. It takes practice to let go of guilt.

 [27:39] Mommy guilt stems from feeling like we did something wrong or we are not good enough. You’re not doing anything wrong when you want time to yourself, or go to work, or when you want to spend time with adults.

 [29:29] Be okay with not loving everything about parenting. It’s not always fun. It’s hard!

 [30:22] We need to be accepting that we need adult time too and not everything should revolve around our kids. Kids who grow up feeling that everything revolves around them, usually grow up spoiled. Set limits with your kids without feeling guilty.

 [31:27] Mommy guilt is hard. You are not alone - everyone feels it. Don’t stay stuck and feel that you are a bad mom. If you are giving your child quality time, there is nothing to feel guilty for.

Communicating with our kids is one of the topics I often deal with at work. I’ve spoken to many parents and children and this is a common problem I encounter. It struck me how many parents are worried about their kids making friends, dealing with peer pressure, and all the struggles that come along with the new school year.

It doesn’t matter what age they are, it’s a tough time for kids to navigate when their brains are still developing. Some teens shut down from their parents because they feel they aren’t understood. And for all kids, it is our job as their mom to make them feel validated and heard.

I hope this episode will help you communicate more effectively with your child and get your child to open up and want to talk with you.

[05:08] Embrace self-confidence. Our children watch us and model our behavior. Show and tell them what confidence looks like.

[07:33] Girls really struggle with self-confidence. It is so important to acknowledge their feelings, let them know that it’s okay and that they’re not alone in this.

[08:40] Hear your child out and validate their thoughts and feelings, while encouraging them to talk with you. Don’t immediately jump in to fix their problems for them. Ask them what you can do to help them and give them suggestions if they ask for advice. Have a discussion that school is temporary and it will pass. Stress this to them in a kind and caring way.

[13:21] Talk to them about topics such as dating. Be open to their pain but also share your experience because it’s important for them to hear that from you.

[14:23] Share photos of yourself when you were their age and share your experiences with them. Kids respond to this and it really can make them open up more.

[16:25] Have conversations with your children as early as possible on not worrying about what other people are going to think and say. It’s hard but it’s very important for them to start hearing this from a very young age.

[21:49] Teach your kids how to speak up for themselves early on in their little lives. It will allow them to have an easier time through their entire life and have the tools to do these things when you’re not around. If we just swoop in and fix it for them, we’re not helping them learn it on their own.

[23:23] It hurts us when we hear about bad things happening to our kids at school. There are times when it’s really important to intervene. It’s the hard part about being the parent. Sometimes, our kids get mad when we’re doing the right things for them because they’re worried about what their peers may think. With minor things, it’s important to encourage them to be confident and help them figure out ways to deal with things on their own.

[24:51] Talk to your kids about what’s happening on the internet. Put it out there before it happens. Be proactive, especially with teenagers and talk to them about things they should do if or when it does happen.

My first ever course soon called “Happy Momma = Happy Child” is launching in November. It is especially designed to help you become the best mom you can be to be a better parent and mother. I would like to invite you to be a part of the beta launch of this life-changing course. If you are interested, get on my waitlist for it at [email protected] or on my website, mamashrink.com. As soon as I launch, you’ll be the first ones to be notified.

Self-esteem is one of those terms that gets thrown out a lot. According to studies, it is something that is built within us starting from childhood and solidifies around the age of twenty-one (unless you work on changing it). In simplistic terms it refers to “how much we like ourselves or not.” There are so many people who lack self-esteem and/or don’t like themselves.

There is so much information I could share on this topic but for the purpose of this episode I am going to share some quick tips and tricks that you can implement starting today. A word of warning, this is not an easy process. Change is hard but it’s possible. I believe everyone has the ability to change if you want something bad enough.

Hopefully, some of the information I share with you in this episode will make sense and resonate with you to help you start improving your self-esteem.

[02:18] People begin to develop their self-esteem at a very early age. Once that is formed, it can be really hard to change. Our core personality and sense of self starts to solidify at 21 years old.

[04:01] As we get older, we get stuck in our ways and change becomes very uncomfortable. But that doesn’t mean that it isn’t possible. Everybody has the ability to change themselves.

[05:15] It’s important for parents to work on their self-esteem because you want your child/children to have good self-esteem and have more respect for you.

[06:08] Things you can start today to improve your self-esteem: stop worrying about what others think of you, start talking more kindly to yourself, start your day by listing one thing you like about yourself, be compassionate with yourself, learn to accept compliments, use self-affirmations, and think about a time you accomplished something great and write that down. Other things you can do: stop comparing yourself to other people, practice self-care, stop staying “should,” make a gratitude list of all the things you’re grateful for, think of one happy thought all day long, stop hanging out with people who have low self-esteem, practice self-forgiveness, don’t be afraid to make mistakes, letting go of perfectionism, watch the language you’re using, be mindful of what the advice you receive from others, and engage in meditation / prayer.

[23:57] The concept of using power thinking

[24:37] As humans we’re constantly making judgements. We have to look at making a commitment to what we want to take in and let go. The 3 processes to this are: catch your thought, acknowledge the thought, then say “cancel” to stop and remove the negative information from going into your mind.

[27:30] Get into the habit of rejecting negative thoughts. Keep practicing it. Changing your self-esteem, especially if you’ve had poor self-esteem most of your life, is not going to be easy. But you can do it!

My first ever course soon called “Happy Momma = Happy Child” is launching in November. It is especially designed to help you become the best mom you can be to be a better parent and mother. I would like to invite you to be a part of the beta launch of this life-changing course. If you are interested, get on my waitlist for it at [email protected] or on my website, mamashrink.com. As soon as I launch, you’ll be the first ones to be notified.

Why is there a need for us to reparent ourselves? A lot of times, we come from a background where there was physical abuse, sexual abuse, or neglect. You may have experienced it yourself or witnessed it. This podcast can bring up a lot of heavy feelings and if and if it does, please consider finding a trained therapist in your area that specializes in working with trauma or past childhood wounds.

I hope this podcast will allow you to become free from feeling like a victim and empower you. If we stay in victim mentality then we are still allowing the people or person who hurt us to win. And I don’t want you to pass on what happened to you to your children. Sometimes we need to reparent ourselves and fulfill our unmet needs which will allow us to enjoy our current life.

This is not an easy task and it will take time. I hope by listening you will take some first steps towards reparenting yourself. You can be whole again and you don’t need to stay stuck in the past.

[04:10] Emotional regression happens if we don’t get our needs met as a child. We emotionally regress back to a time when we were younger.

[05:34] Another way emotional regression can play out is through feelings of jealousy. Jealousy is a strong indicator that something in your need box was not met. It’s important to look at where it’s coming from.

[06:26] Another sign is gossiping. We’ve all done it as adults but it’s a sure sign that we’re regressing.

[07:28] Other signs of regression: raging, overreacting to something, physical symptoms (heart raising, stomach upset, panic attack), accusing people of things, name-calling, sarcasm, interrupting somebody, not listening, thinking you know it all, saying your fine when you are not, saying yes to something when it’s really a no, and so much more.

[10:50] If we don’t look at reparenting ourselves, we might end up doing things that did not make us feel good during our childhood.

[11:50] Start looking at giving yourself some space to grieve the childhood you didn’t have because every child deserves to be safe, loved and cared for.

[12:15] In reparenting yourself you need to give yourself something that you didn’t get as a child.

[19:18] Other things you can do: create boundaries for yourself that you didn’t receive as a child; be mindful and kind to yourself; allow yourself to be vulnerable to others; take care of your physical body; teach yourself what you teach your kids don’t settle for relationships that bring you down; don’t live in the victim mentality; take a new outlook in life; be compassionate, kind and forgiving to yourself; regulate your nervous system in some energy work; and knowing that it’s okay to take care of yourself.

[30:07] Do this exercise: Think of a specific incident in your past where you felt hurt. Try to think back what happened before this incident took place and write it down with all the thoughts and feelings you had at that time. Imagine the situation as you wished it could have happened and ask yourself why it didn’t happen that way. Treat yourself with compassion for that specific incident.

Before we start, I’m super excited to let you know that I am launching my first course called “Happy Momma = Happy Child.” It is designed to help all you moms take care of yourself so you can be the best possible mama! I would like to invite you to be a part of the beta launch of this life-changing course. I am giving out a huge discount - it’s the one and only time I’m offering it for half the price! If you are interested, get on my waitlist for it at [email protected] or on my website, mamashrink.com. As soon as the webinars are announced, you will be the first to know.

So, on to today’s episode I am going to discuss Burnout. I get so many questions about this topic. I have worked with many people in therapy over the years and one of the things I see a lot of is burnout. And it is often a sneaky thing that people don’t even know they are suffering from it. In my own life, I’ve experienced burnout. And trust me, It’s really difficult when it happens to you.

Burnout is very prevalent and I’m going to share with you how to recognize burnout and the things you can do to overcome it:

[04:45] The people who are at highest risk for burnout are those who have high-achieving personalities, want people to like them, difficulty engaging in self-care, hardworking, have a difficult time relaxing, have type A personalities, and always wanting more and doing more.

[07:08] Burnout can sneak up on you when you least expect it. As human beings we feel that we don’t have a maximum capacity and that’s not true. We all have a breaking point.

[07:36] Some of the signs that you are experiencing burnout are: physical and emotional exhaustion, detachment, feeling ineffective and the inability to accomplish things.

[18:01] Don’t fool yourself that burnout will just go away. It likely won’t. If you acknowledge and work through it, you will likely end up depressed, anxious, angry, and/or physically ill.

[19:20] Here are the things we can do to combat burnout: start finding ways to replenish your lost resources, avoid getting further depleted, and find something soul nourishing, set boundaries, and start saying no. You need to make self-care your top priority.

[20:52] Analyze your current situation. Record how you spend every hour of your time for one whole week. Write down what you are doing, who you are doing it with, and rate your activities every hour from 1 being depleting to 10 being happy. You’ll be amazed with what you see.

[25:21] Decrease your job stressors, have an honest discussion with yourself or people you work with like your boss about it. If your job is causing you extreme burnout, ask yourself - is it worth it? What do you need to do to make yourself happier?

[30:04] Don’t just overlook burnout, it is important to do something about it. If you are struggling to do this on your own, please seek out therapy to work on this.

How do we know if it’s time to lower our expectations? How do we lower our expectations so that we are not constantly getting disappointed, hurt and let down because we’ve decided to keep a person in our life thinking they will change but they never do?

This is something that takes practice and as with most things in life there are times we have to do hard things. I’m going to be sharing professional and personal wisdom on this topic in today’s episode and some of my own experiences in hopes of helping you lower your own expectations of others and live a happier life.

But before we get started, I wanted to let you know that my course “Happy Momma, Happy Child” which is designed to help you become a better woman and momma will soon be coming out soon. I would like to invite you to be a part of the beta launch of this life-changing course. To get details and and join the wait list please head over mamashrink.com today.

 

[06:07] “Happiness depends not on how well things are going but whether or not things are going better or worse than expected.” Everything we enter into in life, we go into it with an expectation. It’s important to recognize what our expectation is before going into a situation and then adjust our expectation accordingly.

[08:01] You always have a choice to keep people in your life or not. The goal is to have relationships that make you feel better.

[08:59] Set expectations of what may happen and prepare yourself for it in order to lessen the feeling of being upset or hurt.

[10:45] Stop expecting people to change and lower your expectations of them. People are not going to just change.

[13:50] There is a very strong correlation between lowering your expectations and increasing your level of happiness. When we lower our expectations of something, we become happier.

[14:48] When you don’t want to lower your expectations because it hurts and it’s painful, that’s okay too.

[19:22] Narcissistic people, constant complainers, worriers can’t easily change. Lower your expectations of them if you want to keep them in your life.

[20:44] You can still have higher expectations. Seek out people who meet those expectations.

[21:35] There are times when our expectations are too high - for ourselves or for other people. It may also set you up for hurt and pain and it may also push people away. Remember that it’s okay, you can always work on it.

[24:05] Don’t lower things and just settle. But don’t stay in things that don’t feel good. If you are going to keep people in your life, you’ve got to be okay with where they’re at.

Having a chronic illness is hard.. more so if you are a mother who needs to take care of her family and kids. It can affect and impact, not only you, but your whole family.

If you have a chronic illness, it’s important to know how you can talk to your children about it and how it may affect them. It is important to be open and honest without making your child feel any unnecessary worry. In this episode I share my experience with parenting my two boys while having chronic Lyme disease. Even though I talk about my experience parenting with Lyme Disease, what you will learn in the episode is applicable to any chronic illness you may be suffering from.

I hope by listening you will learn to be kinder to yourself, engage in a higher level of self-care, learn ways to talk to your children about chronic illness, and find more ways of living your life to the fullest, despite having a chronic illness. I want you to know that you are not alone in this, Mama.

 

[04:13] When you’re parenting with a chronic illness, normal things may become very difficult. It’s okay to go through a period of loss and grief. It’s a process and you need to acknowledge that for yourself. It’s important to not get stuck and depressed but to be kind to yourself.

[07:24] It’s hard when you are dealing with a chronic illness because not everyone knows. It’s okay to ask for help. Be open to people about having a diagnosis because it can help them understand you more.

[10:19] Educate your children about your illness.

[12:30] Don’t let your child feel sorry for you or feel they need to take care of you.

[13:00] Be honest with what your illness looks like in a more child-friendly way.

[14:41] You also have to understand that your kids might be angry with you because kids are egocentric and they want you to be active. If this happens, let them know that it’s okay to be angry and talk to them about their feelings. Be flexible and look for other ways to accommodate their requests.

[17:47] It might be frightening for your child to see you go through hardships. It’s important to help protect your kids from that but also talk about their feelings. Don’t keep them in the dark and give them unnecessary worry.

[20:55] On the days that you DO feel good, try to use that to your advantage with your kids. Do something they want to do with you when you have the energy to engage in it.

[22:38] Taking care of yourself as a mom should be a #1 priority, especially if you have a chronic illness.

Lyme Disease is something that is very close to my heart and one thing that I’m very passionate about sharing. And it’s because I have it. To this day, I still struggle with sharing my story. But I have found that I have helped a lot of people when I shared the mental and physical hardships I went through and am going through, especially during the time that I was trying to get a diagnosis.

This is going to be a 2-part episode. Today, I will share my story of Lyme disease, how I received the diagnosis, and what I have been through to get where I am now. Next week, I will be talking about how to parent a child while suffering from a chronic illness.

If you or someone you know has this disease, I want you to know that you are not alone. My journey has not been easy and I want to share it with you today in the hopes that it will help you or someone you love.

[03:32] I share my journey with a chronic illness called Lyme Disease and the story of how I got it, my struggle in finding out the diagnosis of my disease, being misdiagnosed, and the symptoms I was feeling.

[20:47] My body adapted to feeling sick and it became “my new normal.” I share how I survived the feelings of mental and physical exhaustion while parenting two young children and still trying to run my private practice.

[31:25] For two years, no one knew what was going on with me - including multiple physicians who misdiagnosed me. So who finally diagnosed me? A psychic! Yep, you heard that right. One day, I went to a psychic and she told me, “you have Lyme disease.” A few days later, I went to meet with my new physician and she confirmed this diagnosis. I not only received the formal diagnosis of Lyme disease but also found out that I had and a secondary diagnosis of Epstein-Barre.

[38:10] Three years after contracting Lyme disease, I started having neuro-cognitive symptoms of Lyme disease. I finally was able to meet my first Lyme specialist and then a second. Following a new protocol I was finally able to start healing.

[43:15] I found out from specialists that I also had two other coinfections of Babesia and Mycoplasma Pneumonia. I followed Stephen Brunner’s protocol for one year and I was able to cure my Babesia.

[44:38] I still have Lyme disease, Epstein-Barre, and Mycoplasma Pneumonia. Currently I am no longer taking antibiotics, but that can change at any time given the nature of the disease.