He went to a wedding without me. He lied about my dad being sick when people asked about me. He was also regularly asking a woman from work if he could come meet up with her before shifts and after shifts. He had said "I love you" to another woman he sent thousands to for photos. I was devastated. And I spiraled. I hit rock bottom.

So I spent a week drilling in. Leaning into the horrors and demons. I got some closure but all the answers in the world will never be enough.

You can't explain a chaotic choice like cheating or betrayal.

But it has reminded me that I'm responsible for protecting my spark. He took it and snuffed it out, but I am fully capable of relighting it. I will keep it safe myself, and never trust anyone to be responsible for it again.

My goal is to not hate him. And as far as I can tell, it's his goal too. I still waffle between anger/hatred/contempt/ick to despair/fear/unworthiness/shame/sadness and complete confusion/betrayal/alarm at the unpredictability of humans. But for now, I'm honoring the part of me that wants to save myself. I'm relighting my spark. I'm nurturing myself with compassion and grace and patience I couldn't find in someone else. And that has to be enough for now.

I shouldn't have needed to hit rock bottom to remember to take care of myself, and I'll never let myself get to that point again.

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