Ever found yourself resentful of a relationship partner? Maybe you feel like you're always giving and never getting much in return. Perhaps you've seen her as selfish, not providing you with the respect, love, attention, or sex you need in order to feel connected. Everyone has heard, "You can't love someone else until you love yourself," but what does loving yourself actually mean? Hint: It's not just taking bubble baths or treating yourself to fancy pastries. Self-love is the bedrock of relationship, and it's deeply related to resentment, fulfillment, and -- perhaps unexpectedly -- parenting. It's also linked to healthy sex, dynamic dating, and honest relationships. Whether you're currently in a romantic relationship, want to be in a relationship, or are somewhere in between, this is a critical skill to build. There are 3 myths about self-love. Can you guess what they are? Memorable quotes from this episode:"Oh my God, I don’t even love myself, and this could be driving some of our relationship patterns.""It was like a low-level sadness, like something was missing in my life but I didn’t know what it was.""Anything I didn’t deem as a positive emotion, I didn’t make space for ... and that translated to my kids.""We are never the same self; you are always relating to a different self.""'I’ve got to work harder' is a trigger thought"“I need novelty.”--- From this episode:Megan’s podcast: Amory (amorypodcast.com)Megan’s mini-course on self-love (Our retreat, The Nature of Relating, in Costa Rica, Nov 9-14. Use code FRIENDOFMEL for $200 off (https://tinyurl.com/2p2ykrkz)---Work with usReady to break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good? Jason and I are ready to work with you in our flagship program, Pillars of Presence. To see if there's a fit, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/) More upcoming live events:The Heart of Shadow program run by Jason & Luke starts Sept 19th and includes a live retreat Oct 18-22. Dear Men listeners get 10% off tuition here: melaniecurtin.com/shadow

273: 3 myths about self-love ... and why it matters *so much* in relationship (ft. Megan Bhatia)

Advice for smart men on how to succeed with women in sex, dating, relationships, and marriages. Beautiful women give you a peek behind the curtain into what the feminine really craves from the masculine ... and how to give it to us. If you want deep dating advice, help with relationships, or tips on how to have sex with women in a way they&#39;ll swoon over, c&#39;mon in. Personal growth is sexy, haven&#39;t you heard?  And if you&#39;re ready to do the work, come work with us -- we&#39;d love to have you: www.evolutionary.men/apply. Get in touch at dearmenpodcast@gmail.com.

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"I’m getting a boner — what’s she going to think??" So begins the conflict for a lot of boys and men have around their cock. From a young age -- basically from the time boners start to be a thing, "It’s like a lot of men are constantly tracking, ‘Am I having an erection and if I do, how do I hide it?’" The thing is, hiding and secrets go hand-in-hand, and they generally don't go anywhere good. The fact is, especially during teenage years, boners aren't even always about turn-on. As one man put it, "NRBs are a thing!" (No Reason Boners). We're on a streak here talking about how to overcome sexual shame (see what I did there?). Here we delve into the complex relationship many men have with their sexuality, and in particular to their erections. Related questions:How do you even know what healthy sexuality is if you've never seen it role-modeled?What is a boy supposed to do or say if he gets a boner at an unexpected time?How do you teach boys and young men that getting a boner, rather than a source of shame, can be a source of pride?
Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. (We've worked with a lot of men who grew up LDS or with other religious backgrounds, so if that's you, we're here.) To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/) ---Memorable quotes from this episode:"Our turn-on is visible from the outside."“It’s like what my body is doing is wrong.”"Men mocking men when they get hard creates a deep inner conflict.""The antidote to shame is connection.""Men having an erection is a sign of health.""What that shame is teaching is us to be in opposition to what we are.""‘If he gets a boner, he’s going to try to fu**.’""I have a choice in what to do with my sexuality."

306: Boner shame! Let's talk about it. (ft. Jason Lange)

Did you grow up with a religious background? Then congrats, you likely experienced sexual shame! Perhaps you still do to this day. The truth is, it's deeply confusing to grow up having completely natural sexual urges, but be told you're bad or wrong for having them. In the words of the panelists:"For a long time I thought, 'What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I get over this?'""I was taught, 'Don’t touch, don’t look, don’t think, don’t act.'""As a teenager I thought, 'I’m going to go to hell and there’s no way to get around it.'"
 Here, a panel of four men, three of whom grew up in the Church of Latter-day Saints (LDS, aka the Mormon Church), and one who grew up Catholic/Christian, discuss their journey from religious programming to a more full, rich, and healthy sexual expression in the world. But it doesn't stop with healthy sex. Because one of the effects of feeling blocked, ashamed, or perverted for having natural sexual desires is that you tend to have a lot of trouble relating with those with whom you want to have sex. This begs the questions: What is healthy sex and sexuality? What is healthy connection? According to one married man, "It took us 32 years of our marriage to be able to unravel and untwist this trauma." Religious deconstruction from LDS and other religions is real, and it's doable. You can overcome sexual shame, religious indoctrination, and more. If you want to go from being afraid to connect with women to having the healthiest relationship of your life, listen on. If you're looking for inspiration, hope, and dare I say an experience of transcendence, listen on.Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. (We've worked with a lot of men who grew up LDS or with other religious backgrounds, so if that's you, we're here.) To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/) ---Memorable quotes from this episode:"As a child, we were taught that sex-related sins were worse than murder.""I grew up with a daily sense of guilt and shame, and, 'I’m so dirty or gross, why would they want me?'"“I felt like God set me up to fail.”"The sexual experiences I’ve had since my divorce have been unbelievably healing for me."“The more we talk about it, we expand ourselves and it does something in our own nervous system.”“Now I can find some freedom in it. It’s OK to have sexual needs.”"I’m horny as hell and excited to have a fun Friday night!"

305: GuyTalk: Overcoming religious programming

"Needing space within a love relationship is crucial for maintaining my identity ... It’s not merely about taking a break; it’s about preserving a sense of self that can slowly wither in the absence of such space." So says one of our clients, eloquently speaking to the need and also the cost of not getting space when it's required. Here we discuss both sides of the need for space -- what it's like to need it (and how to ask for it), as well as what it's like when a partner names that need. It can be confronting or even scary when a partner needs space, especially if we have a fear of abandonment. We delve into this, and how to reframe giving space as an act of love (it's said that space is the sixth love language). We also touch on the fact that some people know when they need space, while others aren't even necessarily aware that that's what they're needing; they just know something is missing, or that they feel lackluster. Romantic relationships tend to have certain unwritten or unspoken rules or norms, and one of my goals is to bring these into the light. I want to facilitate conscious relationship, and meta conversations (meaning talking about how we relate to one another). I hope this one sparks something in you, and look forward to hearing about it. You can always get me at dearmenpodcast at gmail dot com.Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/) ---Memorable quotes from this episode:"It was hard for me to ask for space because I felt like I’d be hurting her.""Having a space of no demand on our attention is deeply restorative.""They have no space for themselves and wonder why they’re not feeling alive.""What do we want the culture and the values of our relationship to be?""I trust that you’ll come back."

304: What happens if you or your partner needs space? (ft. Jason Lange)

When you were a boy, did you feel comfortable being your full self? Did you feel at ease around becoming a man -- like you knew what that meant and smoothly moved into that identity? We live in a world where boys and young men often feel like it's not safe to be themselves, and where it can be confusing to grow into manhood. According to Nat Damon, who runs Reach Academy for Young Men, "what boys need is to be seen and heard." And for boys who need healthy role models in terms of what it means to be a mature, healthy man, places like Reach are lifelines. Reach Academy gives boys a place to learn, grow, express themselves, bond with peers, and learn about leadership in a grounded way. Mentors there ask themselves questions like, "How can we help them to see the positive elements of being a man, while at the same time addressing the roots of toxic masculinity?" And, "How do you create a hope-filled atmosphere?" It's more important than ever to have places where people who identify as boys and young men can take the pressure off. Where they can get attuned support, and experience healthy leadership. And where they can be witnessed in whatever it is they're going through. If you're raising a son or sons, or if you have someone who identifies as a boy or young man in your life, you won't want to miss this.Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/) ---Memorable quotes from this episode:"Boys are growing up feeling more self-conscious and seeking more ways to escape the judgment put on them.""Being a mature man is this ability to be listen and be non-judgmental.""Being interested in other people is fundamental to leadership.""The topic of loneliness is something that we’re trying to address head-on.""We were able to exhale."Mentioned on this episode:Reach Academy: reachyoungmen.org

303: 'Boys have as rich an inner life as girls do.' (ft. Nat Damon of Reach Academy for Young Men))

What if you could read about the sex that affected someone so profoundly they were never the same? What if you wrote about the sex that changed you in that way? If you're turned on by audio porn, ASMR, or sexy stories (either reading them or them being read to you), you're not alone. While we seem to be fixated on men being obsessed with visual porn, according to research nearly one in three listeners of erotic audiobooks are men. According to another poll, men now account for 18% of romance readers. This is a good thing for several reasons, including the fact that so much romance is written by women. If you're a man who's attracted to women and want to know what gets them hot, reading or listening to erotica makes a lot of sense! Bonus: It's likely to get you going as well. Here I interview Carly, creator of Aurore, a collection of literary erotica. The twist? All the tales are true. In Carly's words, "These are stories mostly written by women about what turns them on and what gets them off." Intrigued? Listen on. ---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/) ---Memorable quotes from this episode:“In each city in Europe, I decided to go on Tinder and interview people about sex.”“I wanted him, but first I had to leave the marriage that I was languishing in, bored and ignored.”“Even though I loved reading erotica, I was turned off by the aspects that weren’t relatable.”“We women were having interesting sex, and were profoundly affected by a lot of the relationships we had.”“Write your own story; that’s the only one you can truly tell.”“I find that writing this kind of real erotica is a lot like therapy.”---Mentioned on this episode:Aurore: readaurore.com

273: 3 myths about self-love ... and why it matters so much in relationship (ft. Megan Bhatia)

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