Dear Men: How to Rock Sex, Dating, and Relationships With Women

Do you ever feel ashamed of your porn use, or wish you could stop or cut down? Ever had trouble getting it up and wondered if that's connected to porn use? Ever compared dating partners to women you see in porn, and wondered if that was negatively impacting your sex or love life?

Over 10% of men are addicted to porn, according to a 2019 study in the Journal of Behavioral Addictions. (As of 2024, I suspect that number is even higher.) Porn has also been linked to to erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and delayed ejaculation in some cases.

Here, we talk about why porn addiction has become so prevalent, and help to answer the questions: How do you know if you're addicted to porn, and how do you quit (if you want to)?

Jason also delves into his own personal experience with porn addiction, how he overcame it, and what life and sexuality is like now (including with his partner).

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Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

If you've ever felt anxious around a woman you were attracted to, gone rigid when you tried to flirt, or completely shut down during a fight with your partner, you know what it is to go into freeze.

When we're overwhelmed, we can lock up. This is inconvenient if what you really want to do in that moment is to move, get someone's number, or speak up for yourself during a moment of tension with your spouse or in a meeting at work.

Where does this behavior come from? Why did it develop? What do we do about it that actually works?

Here, somatic practitioner and expert Stacy Matulis breaks down what's actually going on in your nervous system when you freeze, and what to do about it. (Hint: No one is an island, and we need others. We are interdependent.)

We also cover the difference between freeze and disassociation, depression and suicidality, and why it can feel like even after years of doing the work, you're still stuck in some ways.

Going into a freeze state will absolutely impact your sex, dating and relationship life. Fortunately, there's a way through.

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Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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Mentioned on this episode:

• DM 196: The “invisible” relationship pattern that can affect everything (childhood neglect)

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “I felt neutered as a human.”
• “When we grew up without safe others, we can learn that there are no safe others.”
• “What would bring me into a life that I wanted to live?”
• “Attunement is just as much an essential need as food and shelter is.”
• “Your feelings and needs are all right with me.”
• “A traumatized brain is programmed to look for the problem, and stay focused on the difficult energy.”
• “Who I am makes love go away.”

Ever wondered what different women say when they get really real about their last relationship? 

How about why they do growth work — and what it looks like for them?

Here, I take you behind the curtain to give you a peek at exactly that. This is an amalgam episode with responses from over over ten women who answered three questions:

1. What’s the biggest thing you learned in your last relationship?
2. What’s a memorable time a man showed up for you or honored you in some way?
3. Why do you do growth work and what does that look like for you?

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When it comes to love, sex, relationships, and personal growth work, one thing is always true: more compassion is always better. So here’s to increased understanding, empathy, and joy — and of course, more healing. 

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Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

If you love having sex with women and want to be known as a great lover, being good at going down is an important part of your repertoire. ;)

But it’s not easy to talk about this with anyone, so here we’re laying it bare. Four of us ladies share openly about what really works for us in oral sex -- what we desire, long for, and what holds us back in terms of receiving deep pleasure.

Whether you're married and wanting to know how to excel at cunnilingus on your wife, or you’re dating and want to how to go down on a woman such that she craves seeing you again, it’s all here.

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Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

When your partner gets anxious or upset, do you feel like it's your fault or that you have to fix it immediately? How able are you to stay grounded and feel your own self, even amidst her storm/upset?

Ever found yourself doing anything to calm her down -- because your sense of being OK was contingent upon her feeling OK? (We find this common in the men with whom we work.

Here, we talk about how to stay grounded even when she's going through it. We outline how to know what's actually going on for you in those moments, how to "interrupt" the sense of compulsion around fixing it, and what a deep offering it is to maintain your own, separate nervous system instead of merging with hers.

As Jason says, now that he has become more skilled in this area, “I can be connected to her without being swallowed up by what’s going on for her.”

Whether it's in sex, dating, or a committed relationship, you will be more stable, reliable, and frankly sexy partner when you learn to master this.

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Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “When she would get dysregulated, I would get dysregulated."
• “Avoiding conflict often tends to create more conflict.”
•  “If my partner isn’t feeling well, it feels like it’s my fault.”
•  “Oh wow, her nervous system is not my nervous system.”
•  “I’m here with it, whatever it is — and I’m being impacted.”
• “It’s OK to be messy and imperfect.”

"For so long I felt like, ‘this is only happening in my marriage.’"

If you've ever experienced something dark, difficult, or deeply challenging in your love relationship, *and didn't feel like you could talk about it with others,* you'll relate to this episode.

Few topics bring up wounds as deep as betrayal. Whether you've experienced a partner cheating (physically or emotionally), abuse of some kind, or some other kind of damaging withholding or acting out in a relationship, you're familiar with the deep feeling of aloneness that often comes with that experience.

Or as my guest this week put it, it can feel like "we’re fighting this war in our own little intimate relationship."

How do you rebuild trust when you've betrayed an intimate partner? If you're the betrayed, how do you overcome the PTSD that you've developed in response to this? Here, we delve into all of that and more -- and celebrate what's possible on the other side. The depth of healing and restoration that my guest and her husband have attained is truly remarkable.

The fact is, isolation is when all the bad stuff happens. When we're isolated, we're often judging ourselves (as well as our partners). We can feel hopeless, despairing, or trapped.

I put out this podcast in large part to combat isolation, and bring us together. To know in our bones that we are not alone -- that our story is echoed in the stories of others, and vice versa.

Healing is always possible. You are not alone.

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Mentioned on this episode:

• SAlifeline.org

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “Addiction lives in silence and isolation.”
• “I didn’t know if I would ever be able to forgive him fully.”
• “He was moving at his pace.”
• “All of a sudden I no longer felt batsh*t crazy.”
• “He loved me the very best that he could.”
• “I did base a lot of my OK-ness on how he felt.”
• “I never knew that marriage could be so fun!”

What are you most ashamed of? Is it your sexuality -- how much you want and need sex, or your deep-down cravings that you fear others would judge if they knew about? Is it your yearning for love, your desire to be held or seen or known in some fundamental way?

Many of the biggest breakthroughs we've witnessed in clients have come when they've headed directly into shame, been witnessed with compassion, and come out the other side.

It is almost inevitable that releasing shame builds power, which is often electrifyingly transformative. Shame around sex, relationship, love, need, weakness, neediness, and desire is normal. It's human. But it doesn't have to be paralyzing; in fact, it can be catalyzing.

Here, Jason and Luke share personal stories of shame, and we outline the process of transforming shame into power. Learn about the Heart of Shadow men's group and retreat at heartofshadow.com - use coupon "dearmen" when you register!

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Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “If we don’t feel strong or powerful or directive in our lives, we will feel the tinge of shame.”
• “I was terrified to be asked to do something that I didn’t know how to do.”
• “What wants to be said to your ex-wife? What’s incomplete there?”
• “Whatever you’re not feeling is where all your vitality is stuck.”
• “I got to feel a boyish curiosity come back!”

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Mentioned on this episode:

• DM 305 GuyTalk: Overcoming religious trauma

Ever experienced porn addiction (and had that affect your love relationship), contended with erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation, or been worried about what your cock looks like? Then you'll feel right at home with this episode.

Here, several men in our community share their unvarnished truth with their own voices. They forthrightly and vulnerably answer 3 questions:

• What's a major lesson you learned in your last relationship?
• What's a sexual challenge you've had and how have you addressed it?
• Why do you choose to do consciousness work?

I believe you'll find the raw truth from other men on the path to be illuminating, inviting, and reassuring all at the same time. I couldn't be prouder of these men, and all of you men who are out there learning, transforming, and growing.

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Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

Do you wish your woman was more open to sex? Not just intercourse, but the fun of the whole sex thing -- kissing, making out, foreplay, getting hot and heavy, doing the dirty.

Ever longed for more from your wife/girlfriend/partner when it comes to sexuality -- and not just "from her" but with her? Ever wished she had more fun when it came to sex, that she enjoyed it more, was more expressed and into it?

Many of our clients feel a yearning to connect more with their woman, but aren't even sure how to bring it up. Talking about sex is sensitive, and even more so if sexual trauma is part of the picture. And masturbation can be even harder to discuss, especially in partnership.

Here, we talk all things sexual opening and awakening when it comes to the feminine. We draw from our own personal journeys as well as countless stories from other women who've learned how to connect to their own erotic essence (separate from a partner), and the myriad benefits associated with that. We cover the many health benefits of masturbation, yoni eggs, cervical wands, breast massage, G-spot de-armoring and more.

To close this out, I'm gonna drop some slang terms for women getting themselves off, because they're all kinds of fab:

• Ménage à moi
• Auditioning the finger puppets
• Womansplaining yourself
• Fanning the fur
• Checking the undercarriage
• Buttering your muffin
• Diddling Miss Daisy
• and my personal favorite ... Paddling the pink canoe

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Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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Mentioned on this episode:

• Dear Men 153: Her sexual healing: How to support her *and* get your needs met (ft. Violet Lange)
• Dear Men 191: Supporting a woman in her sexual pleasure & healing (ft. Violet Lange & Keri Nola) -- the one about jade eggs
• Jaiya's erotic blueprints
• Please Her In Bed (my streaming course for men who have sex with women)
• Evolutionary Couples (Violet & Jason's new course for couples)

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “I’m in a relationship, I’m finally happy! Why don’t I want to have sex with my partner?!”
• “I hear this from moms all the time: sex is not a priority for me.”
• “Even if your libido feels like it’s dormant, you can still work with responsive desire.”
• “I really miss the closeness I feel with your body … I long for you.”
• “Let’s swim in the sea of erotic energy.”

Ever been around a woman who was closed down, shut off, or emotionally unavailable? Ever felt like your partner wanted to say something but was holding back, and if you'd somehow shown up in a different way, maybe she'd have let you in?

Perhaps you've felt some version of, "I can’t handle that anger right now so I need to remove that anger from her." Or if your partner is upset with you, you've expressed something like, "You don’t need to feel that way because here was my *intention* in doing that."

Dating, sex, and relationships can feel like a huge mystery. Hell, women and feelings themselves can feel like a huge mystery! But there are certain principles that hold true, and grasping the nuances of polarity can help you navigate everything with more grace and clarity.

Here, I share personal stories of feeling opened by a man (as well as times I've felt closed by one), and we outline what it takes to become the man who can open an available woman.

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Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "Instead of acknowledging what she was feeling and getting curious, it triggered my wounding around not being enough as a man, so I would try to explain to her why she was wrong."
• "Can I allow the person who hurt me to then be the person to hold me?"
• "The deeper trust we form is, 'Oh, we can do this. We can move through conflict.'"
• "This is one of the greatest gifts we can bring to another human being."