We've worked with a lot of men who consider themselves Nice Guys (a la Dr. Glover's famous book, No More Mr. Nice Guy).

And we've witnessed certain patterns in terms of what leads to breakthroughs.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

“I want to be with you”

“Now I don’t have to hold that, ‘What if?’”

“She liIkes me for emotional support, but she’s not attracted to me.”

“He really just owned it.”

“This frozen place starts to thaw out and they just start moving more.”

“The safety that comes from community.”

“You don’t have to get stuck in the purgatory that a lot of Nice Guys are in.”

Almost every single woman in a relationship (dating or married) needs reassurance sometimes. Unfortunately, many men don't know how to provide it in a way that really lands for her, which often causes unnecessary strife and disconnection.

In one man's words, "I used to be the classic male 'fixer' and thought I would be the one to save the day by giving out suggestions of how she could overcome her anxiety. Surely one of those would work. The more suggestions or solutions to her issues I could come up, the better job I thought I was doing. After several years of this seemingly not working to soothe her anxiety, and sometimes making it worse, I have learned she is not looking for this."

So what is she looking for? Here, we share our personal experiences around anxiety and effective soothing. We break it down into two categories of anxiety: when we're upset or challenged by something in life (work, family, friendships, etc.), and when we're upset about something in the relationship itself.

If you've ever had a partner who fears she's too much, who looks to you for reassurance, or to whom you've wanted to provide deep, reliable, calming care and safety, you'll appreciate this one. Bonus? When you learn to soothe her well, you become even sexier to her.

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• "'Are you looking for solutions or comfort?'"
• "Sometimes not saying anything at all but just being able to listen is all she needs to be soothed."
• "I also assure her that I'm here for all of it, especially when she seems nervous that her emotions are 'too much.'"
• "Validate my reasoning; even if it’s not rational to you, it’s logical to ME."
• "Our relationship has soared to new heights after learning how to properly soothe my woman."

According to my sex research, women's number one sex problem is physical pain.

The truth is, it's painful when sex hurts -- for both people. Not just for the person experiencing it, but for their partner.

How do you handle it if she has pain during sex, whether you're just starting out in dating or you're in a committed relationship? And how do you handle your own emotional pain or guilt around still having sexual needs?

If you've ever been with a woman who was sleeping with you because she felt she "should," you know the pain of which I speak. Perhaps you were married and you sensed that she saw it as her wifely duty to keep you sexually satisfied. But that's not what you wanted -- you wanted her to be an enthusiastic participant in sex, not a passive recipient who was only doing it to please you.

Here, Z describes the ways she was actually quite sexually closed as a newlywed, despite having sex with her partner. She talks about the shifts she and her husband went through once they got married ... and how (lack of) sex played a big role in why they got divorced.

There are also deeper layers underlying this issue, and we delve into them. And spoiler alert -- the good news is that this story has a happy ending. Healing is always possible, and Z has experienced it. Sex is now pleasurable for her, and she's far more sexually open than before.

Remember: Personal growth works, so work it.

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Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

Ever felt like there was a "right" answer to a question a woman asked you, or a "right" way to respond to a situation with her? Did it feel like if you did the "wrong" thing, there would be consequences? Then you've likely been tested!

Testing (also known as "feminine testing" -- or sometimes a term I personally dislike -- "shit testing" -- can be a confusing and frustrating experience to be on the receiving end of. Testing can happen in the early phases of dating, as well as once you're in a long-term committed relationship.

As is true with many things in sex, dating, and relationships, there are nuances here that make this complex. Many women aren't even consciously aware of their tests. For others, testing is about seeking some kind of control; or a trauma background means they're very invested in ensuring that they know the truth, and testing is how they believe they're sure to get it.

Here we share our own personal experiences of testing -- how we define it, why we did/do it, what it sounded like, and the vulnerabilities underneath. We also discuss how the ways a man responds to tests can potentially lead to more connection, respect, and, ultimately, love.

As one member of GirlTalk put it, "At the core level it's, 'Do you love me?'"

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Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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• "For me, knowing the truth has me feel safe."
• "How hard is he trying to see me and get to know me better?"
• "It’s OK that you’re angry with me right now."
• "Will you fight for me to stay?"
• "Are you going to create space for me to talk about my feelings?" 
• "I really want to hear what you have to share. It’s important to me."

Ever feel like you're being deliberately provoked by your woman? Or that she sometimes pushes and pushes until she gets a rise out of you -- often about what seem like tiny things?

This pattern can be confusing until you understand the deeper reasons for it. And it's quite a common in dating and relationships, though we don't often discuss it explicitly. Related to polarity, the way Jason puts it is that "the poke is a call for presence and deeper feeling."

It's not always the most mature or conscious way of relating. And the truth is, we as human beings don't always act in the most mature fashion. But if we can grasp the underlying vulnerabilities that drive us, then we often hit on wells of compassion that help us deepen and relax into love in ways we couldn't before.

Remember: Personal growth works. It's not a straight line, but it's always worth it.

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Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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• "I need to pause you right there."
• "It’s meant to evoke, 'Where are you?’ And ‘I’m having a hard time trusting your right now.'"
• "This ties into a common masculine feeling of, 'I’m not enough.'"
• "Sometimes there’s a sense of, 'Oh, yeah, caught red-handed. I actually wasn’t here.'"
• "Acting out is another kind of poke."

Ever gotten the sense that a woman is sizing you up ... deciding whether you match up with a list she has in her head around her ideal partner?

You might be right. Whether you're online dating, speed dating, or meeting someone in real life, a lot of women do have a list, and it can be confusing or even frustrating when you interface with it.

Here, we discuss the nuances of "the list" -- the why behind it, how to engage with it, and the tension between the need to be open/flexible, and the need to stick with personal boundaries.

If you have your own list, you’ll likely also relate to this. And you may also relate to the feeling of wanting things to be neat and tidy — to be fully prepared for relationship and have your partner match up with all your expectations.

To which I’d share Violet's words: “Would I rather be alone for the next decade, or would I rather have the experience of loving and being loved, and have it be messy?"

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Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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• “He has a nice resume; I thought he’d be a good guy.”
• “My desires and yearnings are holy and I want them to be fulfilled.”
• “When we cut off our heart in dating, we’re missing a rich human experience.”
• “You never know what’s going to delight and surprise you.”
• “If you want emotional safety, you have to be vulnerable.”

What does it actually mean to be needy? We use the term a lot, and sometimes in less-than-kind ways -- both in terms of describing others as well as ourselves.

Having needs is a universal experiences. Humans, animals, plants, and every living thing has certain needs. Human beings need food, water, and sleep on a biological level -- and we also need love, respect, and a sense of belonging.

If we don't have these needs met, then we have reactions.

In a love relationship, it can feel difficult or even overwhelming to advocate for certain needs to be met -- for example, physical affection, quality one-on-one attention, or sex. Neediness nearly always stems from old wounds, so it can be hard to bring this kind of thing forward with a partner.

The truth is, we're all needy. We all have certain needs, and our partner is not responsible for meeting all of them all of the time. But there's a balance to be had, which involves navigating difference and being willing to hang in there through discomfort.

Here, we explore the themes around sex, dating, relationships, needs, desires, and the nervous system.

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• "Now it’s about advocating clearly for what I need."
• "There’s a place in relationships for healthy generosity."
• "What would I need to be a ‘yes’ to this?"
• "It this doesn’t shift, I’m going to take a certain action for myself."
• "It can feel like, ‘If it’s not here, I’m doomed.'"

Do you ever feel ashamed of your porn use, or wish you could stop or cut down? Ever had trouble getting it up and wondered if that's connected to porn use? Ever compared dating partners to women you see in porn, and wondered if that was negatively impacting your sex or love life?

Over 10% of men are addicted to porn, according to a 2019 study in the Journal of Behavioral Addictions. (As of 2024, I suspect that number is even higher.) Porn has also been linked to to erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and delayed ejaculation in some cases.

Here, we talk about why porn addiction has become so prevalent, and help to answer the questions: How do you know if you're addicted to porn, and how do you quit (if you want to)?

Jason also delves into his own personal experience with porn addiction, how he overcame it, and what life and sexuality is like now (including with his partner).

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Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

If you've ever felt anxious around a woman you were attracted to, gone rigid when you tried to flirt, or completely shut down during a fight with your partner, you know what it is to go into freeze.

When we're overwhelmed, we can lock up. This is inconvenient if what you really want to do in that moment is to move, get someone's number, or speak up for yourself during a moment of tension with your spouse or in a meeting at work.

Where does this behavior come from? Why did it develop? What do we do about it that actually works?

Here, somatic practitioner and expert Stacy Matulis breaks down what's actually going on in your nervous system when you freeze, and what to do about it. (Hint: No one is an island, and we need others. We are interdependent.)

We also cover the difference between freeze and disassociation, depression and suicidality, and why it can feel like even after years of doing the work, you're still stuck in some ways.

Going into a freeze state will absolutely impact your sex, dating and relationship life. Fortunately, there's a way through.

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Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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• DM 196: The “invisible” relationship pattern that can affect everything (childhood neglect)

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• “I felt neutered as a human.”
• “When we grew up without safe others, we can learn that there are no safe others.”
• “What would bring me into a life that I wanted to live?”
• “Attunement is just as much an essential need as food and shelter is.”
• “Your feelings and needs are all right with me.”
• “A traumatized brain is programmed to look for the problem, and stay focused on the difficult energy.”
• “Who I am makes love go away.”

Ever wondered what different women say when they get really real about their last relationship? 

How about why they do growth work — and what it looks like for them?

Here, I take you behind the curtain to give you a peek at exactly that. This is an amalgam episode with responses from over over ten women who answered three questions:

1. What’s the biggest thing you learned in your last relationship?
2. What’s a memorable time a man showed up for you or honored you in some way?
3. Why do you do growth work and what does that look like for you?

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When it comes to love, sex, relationships, and personal growth work, one thing is always true: more compassion is always better. So here’s to increased understanding, empathy, and joy — and of course, more healing. 

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Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)