“Every one of us walking onto that property was nervous.”

So says one man on this episode, describing his experiencing attending his first in-person men's retreat.

If you've ever felt intimidated or unsure about doing in-person work with other men, you're far from alone. In the words of one man on this panel, “There’s a shared understanding of the brutality between men.”

But it doesn't have to stay that way. There can be a kind and loving experience of brotherhood.

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Come to the retreat!

It's August 8th - September 1st in Northern California (about 2 hours north of San Francisco). We work hard to keep it financially accessible, and payment plans are available.

As one man put it in this episode, “If you’re thinking about going, you’re already there.”

https://evolutionary.men/retreat/

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Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “I never felt like other boys.”
• "I wanted to be vulnerable and open, but I didn’t know how, and I wasn’t sure I could.”
• “I was nervous as hell.”
• “We lived on cheesy jokes and greasy burgers.”
• “I was deathly afraid to become a terrible father.”
• “I cried tears of joy for the first time in my life.”
• “I realized — through all the work I’ve been doing, therapy, self-reflection, etc. — how much love I have for myself (finally).”
• “I went into a panic because I’m having flashbacks of summer camp.”
• “If we’re gonna talk about this trauma, we might as well do it in the hot tub!”
• “There was racism even within my own church.”
• “When I was a boy, there was never any spiritual or deep, emotional holding by men in my life.”
• “Part of going to the retreat was to build my nervous system into more resilience.”
• “We’re going to be there no matter what.”
• “I can accept other men’s unconditional love, and it helped me know how to provide unconditional love to other men.”
• “I used to use my intellect to defend myself or talk my way out of things.”
• “I came into the first retreat a very tough nut to crack.”
• “There’s now a level of connection now with my wife that I can’t even describe.”
• “The dynamic within my whole family has changed.”
• “There is hope with change.”
• “You’ll make friends.”
• “Come for the food; stay for the healing.”
• “You WILL experience a transformation.”
• “This is where you get your master’s degree in men’s work.”
• “Just get there.”

Have you ever felt trapped in a relationship, or like you knew something was off but didn't know what to do about it? Maybe you've had a vague awareness that you're somehow suffering (and so is she), but again, you didn't know how to even start to go about addressing it.

A lot of people know the term "codependence" but aren't clear on what it actually means in a concrete way, or what to do about it if it does fit. For example, how do you know if you're codependent or your spouse is? Can one person "be" codependent while the other is not?

Here we go right into what codependent dynamics are, and aren't -- and how to grow into independence and ultimately interdependence.

In Jason's words of his own experience: "It was years of trying as hard as I could to make things better but never being good enough to matter how hard I tried." And, "That rescuer is filled with needing to be needed. That’s where it began for me."

If your love relationships have always confusing, unfulfilling, or just not quite right -- or if you've often felt like you were just taking care of your partner (she wasn't able to take care of herself), this will likely be helpful to you.

The men we work long for MORE, and I also want to say direct: That's available. You don't have to stay stuck. Growth is always possible.

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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Memorable quotes from this episode: 

• “As long as my partner was approving of me, there was a sense of, ‘I’m OK.’”
• “There was a fear — if I’m not with her, I’ll be alone.”
• “We’re deeply entwined with each other where there’s almost no agency or independence.”
• “While the relationship was ‘safe’, we were both suffering deeply inside.”

Did you have healthy boundaries modeled for you when you were growing up? Do you feel like you know how to set healthy boundaries with your folks?

If not, then some of these things may apply:

• You felt like (or continue to feel like) you need to take care of your mom or dad
• You don't really feel free to live your life as you'd like because you know this might "hurt" one or both of your parents
• While growing up and/or when you're home these days, you have to walk on eggshells so as not to upset them
• You feel that their emotional wellbeing is somehow your responsibility (As one man on the panel put it, "As long as I please them, they won’t be emotionally unstable.)
• You've heard terms like 'enmeshment' or 'emotional neglect' and thought, "Hmmm, that might apply to me."
• You just have an intuitive sense that you need to set some boundaries with one or both of your parents.

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In this panel discussion, four men share their raw, authentic and vulnerable truths around boundaries they've needed to set with their mothers, fathers, or both. We also hit on some highlights around Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), since many emotionally immature parents have BPD patterns.

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “The real hammer came down when my mom figured it out.”
• “I just remember the house being filled with almost like an emotional toxic gas.”
• “She said, ‘You’re gonna tell me NO?’ — and I’m 32 years old and trembling.”
• “I was at the mercy of conditional love.”
• “I needed to claim my sense of self.”
• “Before I got sober, I couldn’t even conceptualize what boundaries were.”
• “I don’t have a mother; I have a 60-year-old child.”
• “My role was: ‘I am responsible for healing my mom’s depression and sadness.’”
• “The two most important women in my life — my mother and my partner — are now at odds with each other.”
• “So I told my parents: 'The next time we have a conversation about my relationship with my woman, she will be there in the room with us.'”
• “I have true confidence now. I know what I need, and this is what I need from you.”
• “No one has the remote control to my emotions; they get the manual.”
• “I started to realize how much my autonomy was impacted, disrupted, and denied.”
• “When I set that boundary with my parents, my partner was just thrilled, and proud and happy.”
• “It was like no matter what I did, she was always going to be right... there was no space for me to exist.”
• “There is no capacity for this person to see where she has hurt others.”
• “As I pulled back more and more, the neediness ramped up and up and up.”
• “Mom, I’m sorry — I can’t have a relationship with you right now.”
• “There’s a part of me that just wanted to be the ‘good boy.’”
• “I’ve been no contact with my mom for six years, and honestly it’s been a relief.”
• “I started to come to myself from a place of compassion rather than from a place of shame.”
• “I really did make every effort possible for us to have a healthy relationship.”
• “If you’re feeling stuck, that’s the perfect time to reach out for help.”
• “You are not alone.”

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Mentioned on this episode:

• Dear Men 354: What's it like treating Borderline Personality Disorder?
• Dear Men 345: The 4 male 'types' that partner with women with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
• Dear Men 128: Feel like you're walking on eggshells? Recognizing Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

When Jason was in his mid-20s, he was stuck. He numbed out with porn much of the time, had never had sex, and struggled with dating and love relationship.

Even outside of dating, it felt like something was missing in his life ... like he just wasn't completely alive. He knew he wanted something different, but didn't know how to get there.

Then he attended one of his first personal growth events -- a men's workshop. When the attention was place on him, within twenty minutes a mentor had him on the floor (in a good way).

He got to a place during that workshop that he hadn't gotten to in three full years of talk therapy. It was transformative, uplifting, and revolutionary to his nervous system. He released energy that had been stuck within him for decades. In a way, it set him up for the life he actually wanted to lead.

If you've ever wanted MORE, you're not alone. You don't have to stay stuck. You can have the breakthrough you've been waiting for.

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Work with us!

Want to go deeper than the podcast? We're ready to work with you! To see if there's a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. https://evolutionary.men/apply/

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Come to the retreat!

This year it's Thurs Aug 28th through Mon Sept 1st in Northern California (about 2 hours from SF). For more info, go to evolutionary.men/retreat. We'd love to see you there.

Have you got a history of partnering with women who are physically or emotionally unstable? Maybe they've got an insecure living situation (or chaotic/dangerous ex-partner). Perhaps they're financially challenged, or they've got serious issues with depression, anxiety, or other mental health issues.

You may even have been with a partner who became so emotionally dependent on you that you became concerned that if you weren't there, she'd be in serious trouble -- might even hurt or kill herself. As Jason puts it, "If I remove myself from the situation, I don’t know how my partner would survive."

This episode is actually not about those women! ;) This episode is about the other side -- you.

If you've wondered why you've repeated this pattern of attracting "projects," you've come to the right place. Here we break down what goes into the pattern of attracting women you feel you need to "save" or "rescue." We talk about the vulnerability involved in dating healthier women, as well as the immense payoff -- and how to get there.

This episode will also resonate if you've ever felt burdened or resentful in your relationship -- like you're doing way more than your partner, and putting in more than you're getting back. We talk about the pain of feeling used ... and what to do about it.

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Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. If you're looking for high-quality relationship advice, we've got it.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “There’s a type of security, safety, and polarity that comes from being the hero.”
• “If I’m doing stuff for you and you appreciate that, I get to feel good about myself.”
• “Just because you need some kind of help doesn’t mean I have to rescue you.”
• “When we overextend, we attract partners who don’t have a sense of boundaries.”
• “I know and trust she can handle herself.”
• “We are co-creating together, rather than one of us pulling the cart the whole time.”
•  “When we’re not getting energy back as men, resentment builds like crazy.”
• “If I’m not winning, are you still going to love me?”
• “Get on a growth path.”
• “Getting into good community with men is inoculating yourself against future projects.”
• “I don’t want to do all the heavy lifting.”

Have you ever wished you could scientifically determine what’s wrong in your relationship? 

Or felt it would be helpful to somehow mathematically see how compatible you are with someone you’re dating? 

Or gone through a difficult period with a relationship partner and wished you could understand one another better? 

There’s a love tool that may be able to help. 

Zoey Charif went from getting a degree in Crimonology to writing about love and relationships — and in her love work, she brought to bear her curiosity about human behavior. 

The result? Her generating an instrument (like a personality test) that helps couples as well as singles grasp, another other things, compatibility. 

Perhaps the most interesting part is that Zoey herself has used it alongside her husband — to great effect in their marriage. 

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Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. If you're looking for high-quality relationship advice, we've got it.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “What causes betrayals?”
• “We are driven by primal instincts.”
• “I feel lucky to be with you.”
• “No one wants to feel like, ‘I’m not doing well in my marriage.’”
• “We both started to step up.”
• “If you’re unhappy, your spouse is probably also unhappy.”
• “Change takes time.”
• “You are not put on this earth to be unfulfilled.”
• “You can’t be doing the work for both of you.”

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Mentioned on this episode:

• Zoey's site: www.lovecaninfactbecalculated.com

What does it mean to be a good parent?

If part of your job is to provide stability, then it can seem like even if your love relationship isn't fulfilling, it's best to grit your teeth and get through it -- at least until the kids are out of the house.

The truth is a lot more nuanced.

Consider the following, for example:

What are you role-modeling to your children if you stay in a relationship that's physically or emotionally barren? What are they learning from you and your partner about conflict and repair? About boundaries? About warmth and affection?

Would you want them to someday be in the relationship you're in?

One confusing constellation of this can be when you're great co-parents with your wife/partner, but, say, your sex life is dead. In other words you manage the household well together, but there's no passion. Another is when you have a difficult spouse/partner and feel concerned that if you're not around to protect the kids from her, issues will arise.

Here we delve into unhealthy (and healthy) relationship dynamics, whether "making it work" is a real thing, and what you impart to your kids daily, without saying a word.

Growing almost always requires discomfort, but here's the good news: When you choose to lean into growth, you're teaching your children the bravest lesson of all.

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. If you're looking for high-quality relationship advice, we've got it.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

Have you experienced any of the following yourself, or been in a love relationship with a partner who did?

• You've held beliefs like, "I must be broken," or, "The world is completely dangerous."
• You constantly tested your partner's loyalty
• You've thought things like, "I'm too much and my needs are too much."
• You've played out patterns to the effect of: "If I meet your needs perfectly, maybe you won’t hurt me or leave me."
• You've experienced health issues like chronic pain, gastrointestinal issues, or chronic fatigue
• You've alternated between pushing others away or clinging tightly
• You feel confused about your relationship issues because when looking back on your childhood you've thought, "No one overly abused me, so why is this happening?"

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If so, you may be dealing with complex PTSD, also known as C-PTSD. Here we delve into what C-PTSD is, what it's not, and what to do about it.

We also discuss the reality that trauma is intergenerational by nature. If your parents or their parents didn't get what they needed, and if those folks don't do their healing work, they're extremely likely to pass it on. But you don't have to.

Whether you're coming with anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, disorganized attachment, fearful avoidant attachment, or somewhere in between, know this: Healing is ALWAYS possible.

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. If you're looking for high-quality relationship advice, we've got it.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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Mentioned on this episode:

• Setareh's Psychology Today profile

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "Developmental trauma can shape personality development."
• "They may deeply crave closeness while simultaneously fearing it."
• "This is the nervous system interpreting current stress as old danger."
• "Intimacy may be disrupted by this internal sense of danger that is hard to name."
• "Relationships can be a powerful source of repair."
• "Safe relationships can help reestablish trust, soften defenses, and over a period of time can support emotional regulation."
• "The body often holds what the mind cannot express."
• "It’s often intergenerational trauma playing out."
• "Trauma is both individual and collective."
• "Healing is absolutely possible. I have seen it!"

We all know the "rules" have changed when it comes to dating and relationships. There are few absolute in terms of how to relate to a dating or relationship partner, which begs questions like:

If not money, then what IS the modern man supposed to provide?

If you're a man, it may be hard to grasp what a woman truly craves from you. There's good news on this front, though: We women still need you! In fact, many would say we need healthy, passionate, masculine men now more than ever.

And there are two very specific things healthy, embodied women truly desire from men. Here we delve into those, and along the way touch on sexy time, how hot it is when a man has a strong backbone, and how to keep up with all the shifting dynamics going on when it comes to sex, love, and dating in the modern world.

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Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. If you're looking for high-quality relationship advice, we've got it.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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Mentioned on this episode:

• Dear Men episode 262: Are you lonely?
• Dear Men episode 215: Are you intimidated by her big emotions? Here's what to do.
• Dear Men episode 329: How do you stay grounded when she’s upset or dysregulated?
• Dear Men episode 305: GuyTalk: Overcoming religious programming
• Dear men episode 327: Transforming shame into power

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

•  "How do I win in this?"
• "Can you provide me steadiness in a turbulent world?"
• "We men are being asked to show up more — with more complexity."
• "I just avoided conflict … deny, deflect, defend."
• “If we don’t have a capacity to attune and be present with ourselves, we can’t do it with a partner."
• "Emotional safety does not mean please and appease."
• "There’s not a lot we as a couple can do about that until I’ve worked with my own shame."
• "Women, more than ever, want to be polarized!"
• "Most people want to know their partner wants to f*** them!"

Have you ever doubted? Whether you've doubted yourself, the existence of a higher power, the efficacy of "alternative" healing techniques, or anything that goes against the mainstream -- this has likely come up for you at some point.

When Naushad was young, he came very close to being a pro soccer player. But physical injury after injury stymied him, and set him on a path of healing that took him from North to South America and beyond.

This is one man's personal journey of going from being a skeptic to a believer. Not a blind faith believer, but one with nuance and consideration -- and longstanding impacts on not only his his sex, dating, and relationship life, but his experience with Life itself.

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Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. If you're looking for high-quality relationship advice, we've got it.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “The limiting beliefs started to pick up and escalate.”
• “I could not sit with myself because there was so much anxiety.”
• “I had to ask for help, and that has historically been one of the most difficult things for me.”
• “Immediately all these doors start to open, without me trying.”
• “The messages are always there; it’s just a matter of whether we’re willing to listen.”
• “In the seeking, what that meant for me was having the humility to say, ‘I don’t know.’”
• “I’m in a dark hole and I don’t know what to do.”
• “The practice becomes not working or trying, but letting go and letting it come through.”
• “'True faith is being able to step forward when you can’t see.'”
• “What’s the next right door?”
• “This is the most important work you’ll ever do in your life.”

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Mentioned on this episode:

• Naushad's site (https://resilientbeing.me/)
• Book rec: The Alchemist
• Book rec: The Celestine Prophecy
• Dear Men episode 305: GuyTalk: Overcoming religious programming and trauma