Dear Men: How to Rock Sex, Dating, and Relationships With Women

Ever lie there afterward wondering what she’s really thinking? The romantic night is all set up -- the hotel, the champagne, the view -- and your d*ck doesn’t cooperate. Or it’s over in three minutes. Again.

Here, we back the curtain on what it’s actually like from HER side of the sheets. What have women internalized about how their sex appeal relates to his "performance"? My guest share about her 13-year past relationship where PE was never really discussed, as well as a deeply attuned current partner who did one simple thing early on that changed everything for her.

Premature ejaculation (PE), erectile dysfunction (ED), and delayed ejaculation (DE) are some of the most common sexual struggles men face -- yet they're rarely discussed, even in men's groups. And for many, the go-to fix doesn't even work: according to a meta-analysis in Andrology, almost 50% of men who start on ED meds stop taking them within a year. A pill isn’t the whole story.

But don’t worry -- there’s way more possible here than you’ve been led to believe.

Whether you lose your erection halfway through, you finish before things have really gotten going, you avoid initiating because you’re scared of what’ll happen, or you’ve just stopped bringing it up at all, trouble in the bedroom is common. But with the right guidance, it can change.

If you’ve been quietly white-knuckling your way through sex, or avoiding it altogether, this one’s for you.

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A live launch event for my upcoming new course, The Man She Craves. I’ll share the number one pattern I see in men who get unstuck and move into emotionally satisfying and sexually vibrant relationships.

Sunday, October 18, 1-3pm PT / 4-6pm ET. Cost: $55, but use code DEARMEN to drop it to $33.

Register at www.melaniecurtin.com/satisfied. Can’t make it live? Register anyway and you’ll get the replay.

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• From Stuck to Satisfied (free live masterclass): melaniecurtin.com/satisfied
• The Man She Craves (my upcoming year-long course for men, with a VIP “Sexual Confidence” upgrade for ED, PE and DE). For details, get on my list: If you're in the US, text BACKSTAGE to 33777; if you're outside the US, just email me at [email protected]
• Please Her In Bed (my streaming course on talking about sex with women in a way that helps them open up): www.pleaseherinbed.com

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “That’s why I faked orgasms for 40 years of my life!”
• “I thought it was about me. I thought I had done something wrong, or I wasn’t sexy enough.”
• “Sex is such a portal into the human smorgasbord of insecurities and pressures.”
• “Communication is sexy.”
• “A woman’s body can be played like a Stradivarius violin, and you don’t learn how to play a violin overnight.”
• “Guys, don’t put your d*ck on ice for 10 minutes. This is not medical advice.”
• “There’s deep wisdom in the penis that’s like, 'Something’s not right here.'”
• “Emotional safety is a requirement. It’s not a nice-to-have.”
• “He’s the first partner that I’ve consistently been able to orgasm with.”
• “My body needs to do what it needs to do, which may not look like what it looks like in porn.”
• “You are the oak tree. You hold the pose.”

First some stats on premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, and erectile dysfunction:

• Close to 33% of men don’t respond to Viagra or Cialis, and a full 50% of men who start on them quit within a year or less of use
• Premature ejaculation (PE) is the most common sexual dysfunction in men on the planet
• The NIH estimates that erectile dysfunction (ED) affects as many as 30M men in the U.S. alone.
• According to the International Society for Sexual Medicine, 1-4% of men struggle with delayed ejaculation (DE). One man in a sexual health forum said DE has “lost me relationships and destroyed my sexual confidence,” even though he feels confident in every other part of his life.

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So likely hundreds of millions of men are dealing with these issues worldwide ... yet most feel deeply alone. It's easy to feel stuck, powerless, and anxious or depressed (or both) when you don't feel like you have control over your own body. It can feel like, “What is wrong with me??”

There's nothing wrong with you -- and we need to talk about more than just the physical, mechanistic components of the solution.

Enter Dr. Luke Adler. As a doctor of Chinese medicine, Luke sees what most Western approaches miss. As he puts it, “Western medicine has reduced it to it being all about blood flow...” -- and he’s here to show you the rest of the picture.

In this episode, Luke reveals the one overlooked thread that runs through ALL sexual dysfunction. He also gets into why a childhood message like “Be a good boy; we have to take care of mom” might be showing up in your bedroom decades later, and what it means when your body is carrying “an energy of oppression.”

Plus, hear from one man who’d tried naturopaths, Western doctors, and every supplement out there with zero results -- until something finally shifted. In his words: “I would have paid $100,000 for that result!”

On Sunday, October 18th from 1-3p PT / 4-6p ET I'm teaching a masterclass all about the #1 pattern I see in the men that get UN-stuck in love, and get into sexually & emotionally rewarding relationships. Register for that at www.melaniecurtin.com/satisfied. It's $55, but if you use code DEARMEN it'll drop to $33.

• “Like many things in this field, men tend to not come forward around it.”
• “I developed a fear of having sex.”
• “The core of its energy is that it has no heart for me.”
• “My tissues could finally receive the medicine.”
• “It was a miracle in a lot of ways.”

Ever feel like your body has stopped cooperating in the one place you most need it to? Or it's totally hit-or-miss -- in one man's words: "I never knew whether I was going to ejaculate at all. I had no control over it."

Erectile dysfunction (ED), premature ejaculation (PE), and/or delayed ejaculation (DE) can have a devastating impact on a man's sense of self-esteem, as well as on sexual satisfaction in relationships. And we don't talk about this enough. These issues come up in my sex research constantly, and are a daily reality for hundreds of millions of men globally. Yet even in men's work spaces like men's groups, performance anxiety and sexual health is like the last frontier -- it's just hard to talk about how your d*ck is functioning.

But we need to ... because men out there are suffering. For example, did you know that according to an article in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, 1 in 4 men seeking help for new-onset erectile dysfunction these days are 40 or younger? ED is not just an older man's game -- and it turns out that for some men (more than we might think), taking drugs like Viagra or Cialis doesn't even work.

But don't worry -- there's way more possible here than you've been led to believe.

Whether you can't get hard without porn first, you lose your erection halfway through, premature ejaculation robs you of enjoying the experience fully (as well as your partner), or delayed ejaculation prevents you from finishing at all, cock trouble is common. And for some, the fear of it happening again has you wondering what the point of dating or sex even is.

Here, pelvic floor educator Jana Danielson BRINGS THE HOPE. We get into why your erections may have more to do with how you breathe than with your penis, why Kegels might be making things worse, and the story of a 24-year-old athlete who was about to fill an ED prescription, but who Jana thankfully got her hands on. A month later, he was waking up with morning wood for the first time in years!

If you've been quietly white-knuckling your way through sex, or avoiding it altogether, this one's for you.

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A live launch event for my upcoming new course, The Man She Craves, this class will outline the #1 pattern I've seen after coaching men for over a decade. It's what I see separates the men who stay stuck in their love lives to transitioning into sexually and emotionally satisfying relationships.

The class will run from 10a-12p PT / 1p-3p ET on October 17. It's $55, but if you use code DEARMEN it'll drop to $33. To save your spot, email [email protected]. If you're in the US, you can also text BACKSTAGE to 33777.

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• The Man She Craves (Melanie's new course; Jana is part of the Sexual Confidence upgrade)
• The Cooch Ball: www.coochball.com
• Jana on Instagram & TikTok: @jana.danielson

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "I'm not sure my marriage is going to survive."
• "When he did achieve an erection, it was really hard for him to maintain it."
• "Your body is not broken; it's just misunderstood."
• "'Within a month, I was waking up with morning wood!'"
• "Clarity creates confidence."
• "'Why would I give him a jail sentence of a wife?'"
• "We were searching for that elusive, fill-in-the-blank diagnosis."
• "Within 30 seconds I thought, 'Well, sh*t.'"
• "When I started talking about the pelvic floor, sh*t got weird."
• "'I wanted to match my ejaculation with her to make sure I was taking care of her needs.'"
• "He started being able to squat deeper."
• "I am having the best orgasms of my life, and I have no plan on stopping."

“I know I’m a good guy - I’m kind and compassionate and caring … so why don't girls want me??”

This was one of Scott's main concerns in middle and high school. It felt like it was happening for everyone around him, but not him.

Fast forward a few decades and now he's got overflow in his love life -- he's married and experiences affection, sex, closeness, and emotional availability on the daily. So what changed?

Here we talk about the excruciating phone call in 6th grade that kicked everything off; the confusion of having close women friends who say they want a nice guy but then don't seem to want the nice guy that's right in front of them; what it actually means to feel SEEN after feeling overlooked; and the intriguing question Scott finally asked himself on a walk through a park in Madrid.

You'll also hear about a client who looked great on paper, but who was stuck in first-date purgatory for years. A couple of months into the work, he said something he'd never said before: "She's actually chasing me!"

If you've ever felt stuck in a pattern of first dates that never become second dates, years of swiping with nothing to show for it, or a marriage where you reach for her and keep hearing, "No" -- this one's for you.

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The Man She Craves 101 is coming in October. Text BACKSTAGE to 33777 (U.S. only) to get on the list, or email [email protected] if you're outside the U.S.

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• "I see what I have to offer in a relationship; I don't see what I have to offer that gets me into a relationship."
• "I think I honestly felt that just being friendly to a girl was showing her that I liked her."
• "Me! Me! I am emotionally available to you right now."
• "You went from alone in the desert to overflow."
• “If you get a few rejections early on, it starts the cycle down that path.”
• “I didn’t really learn to flirt until college, and even then ... it was iffy.”
• “My community helped me find myself more.”
• “I have to get it RIGHT; I have to choose the RIGHT person.”
• “I felt desired. I felt seen.”
• “I’ve gotta show women that I‘m a good man!”
• “How do I learn more about healthy masculinity?”
• “I started to get to direct statements of desire from women.”
• “It’s not like my appearance changed a lot.”
• “Once you get in that flow, it is WONDERFUL.”

Do you want women to feel deeply safe with you? Do you want your partner to feel not just satisfied physically and emotionally, but able to truly surrender with you -- let go of her inhibitions and experience IMMENSE PLEASURE on every level?

Then she needs to trust you.

Here we share our personal experiences of trust -- when a man has earned it and we've been able to really lean in ... and when we've been let down and felt the lack of trust.

The truth is that a woman must trust you at a deep level if she's to feel safe with you. Sadly, as things stand we still inhabit a world where a lot of women feel unsafe with many men.

So what does it take to be deeply trustable? Here, we each reveal what it takes for a man to be trusted by us on a personal level. We share intimate stories of times we interacted with an un-trustable man (and what made him un-trustable), as well as the times we felt deep trust, safety, and connection.

Want a woman to fully surrender to you? Listen on -- whether you're newly dating, long-married, or in any other kind of love relationship, you're sure to get something out of this vulnerable, raw discussion of love, safety, trust, intimacy, and sexuality.

Mentioned on this episode:

• The Man She Craves 101: My upcoming masterclass leading into my new course. Email me at dearmenpodcast at gmail dot com to register.

“Who’s taking up space in the relationship?”

“If I don’t have any boundaries, I’ll often attract someone who doesn’t honor boundaries.”

“Partners like this can be really smart.”

“Because you’re the closest to them, you get all the wild crazy.”

“I hear a new rule, I try to do that, and I still lose.”

“It’s pretty hard to do alone.”

“It really feels like, ‘There is no way out.’”

“It can be comfortable but not very alive.”

“Our guys don’t just want sex - they want closeness.”

“Why do you need that? Isn’t this enough?”

You've probably heard of penis rings. Maybe you've even tried one!? But there's a another tool almost nobody talks about — the men who've actually explored it say nothing else compares, and yet most guys never even consider it, because of one thing: shame.

Whether it's a marriage that's quietly gone sexless, an erection that isn't cooperating the way it used to, or just curiosity about what's actually out there beyond what you already know, midlife brings up a lot of questions men don't feel safe asking anyone — not their partner, not their doctor, not even their friends.

Karen Bigman gets it. A certified sex educator at 60, she's got 3 fun categories of sex toys she recommends for men. We get into things like: How does a penis pump actually work in real life with a partner — do you pause mid-makeout to grab it, or does it happen before you even get to the bedroom?

And we go somewhere most men never go: the prostate. What's it actually like? Why do the men who've explored it describe it like "watching in high def"? And how do you even start, solo or with a partner?

One stat that stuck with me: according to Mayo Clinic, erectile dysfunction can show up 3-5 years before any other symptoms of heart disease appear. Your body may be trying to tell you something before anything else does.

If you've ever been curious about exploring more but didn't know where to start — or didn't think it was "allowed" — this one's for you.

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

• Karen's site: TabooToTruth.com
• Please Her In Bed (Melanie's streaming course on how to talk about sex): www.pleaseherinbed.com
• MyHixel — penis rings, and a premature-ejaculation training system
• FirmTech — clip-on penis rings, including the Tech Ring (tracks nocturnal erections)
• O-Nut — stackable comfort/bumper rings
• MV Health (formerly Mystery Vibe) — vibrating prostate massagers
• Aneros — prostate massagers
• Maude (Shine) — lube I recommend

• "I think the sexiest thing a man can do is ask."
• "Your penis health is a barometer of your overall health."
• "It's like watching a show in high def."
• "The two hardest conversations in relationships are sex and money."
• "This is a guy that's actually, like, cares. This is a guy that wants to talk to me. He doesn't just want to get in my pants."
• "'I don't care if I ever have sex again.'"
• "60 is the new 60."

Edge City is one of the most exciting, fun, engaging, dynamic communities of which I'm a part -- and here I get to interview one of the founders! (This is very exciting for me.)

Edge City runs month-long "pop-up villages" — 500 to 1,000 people from tech, science, culture, and art, gathered in one small, walkable town, building things together. In Timour's words, "It's got the dynamism of a city, with the vibe of a village — that's kind of a design principle for us."

In my words: It's like summer camp meets a tech conference ... and it's also a hotbed of attraction. :)

But what happens when you meet someone in an environment where you absolutely will run into them again? What if you don't want to make her uncomfortable by asking her out? How do organizers think about this?

As Timour puts it, "We are in a weird time when it comes to dating.” But don't worry -- we discuss the anonymous "crush" feature that could change everything.

We also get into the dating dynamics at the village specifically, including my feeling of being surrounded by attractive men and yet noticeably under-approached. We cover the couple whose second date really was an entire month-long event, and the strange twist where Timour says this is actually the opposite of Burning Man's infamous "playa romance" phenomenon.

If you've ever wondered whether there's a real-world alternative to the apps — something that isn't just another platform — this one's worth your full attention.

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The next Edge City is in Goa, India from Oct 11–Nov 1. Plus there's a smaller, 30-person trip to Bhutan from Nov 11–19. Use code DEARMEN for 20% off Goa tickets. Details at edgecity.live.

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Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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• Edge City: upcoming events in Goa, India (Oct 11–Nov 1) and Bhutan (Nov 11–19)
• Questions about Edge City? Email [email protected]

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• "I felt like there were all these attractive men, and no one was approaching me."
• "We've even had a few kids conceived at or because of Edge."
• "I don't want to be the weird guy who's approaching... what if that makes them uncomfortable?"
• “It was about how alive I felt in that environment.”
• “It’s exponentially more meaningful than a one- or two-day conference.”
• “There is the serendipity of running into people that feels magical.”
• “We’re pushing ourselves forward both personally as well as society.”
•  “It’s the dynamism of a city with the vibe of a village.”
• “Why doesn’t your neighborhood feel communal?”
• “We needed from the beginning to have the architecture and DNA that would be welcoming to children.”
•  “We grow up and we’re taught to find The One.”
• “You need to go through the crucible of, ‘Is this the right person for me?’”

She's successful. She's put together. She seems like she doesn't need anyone. So why does dating still feel impossible for her — and why does she seem so hard to get close to?

The men we work with are almost always intensely curious about what life is like on the "other side." What do single women contend with? What are their biggest dating, sex, and relationship challenges? Here, Violet breaks down 3 top issues frequently faced by single women — the ones most men never clock, because women have gotten so good at hiding them.

We get into why the most "together," successful women are often the most terrified of being seen, and what that has to do with whether she actually notices you making eye contact across the room.

We dig into the hot-and-cold thing — why it happens, why it almost never has anything to do with you, and why the woman across from you at dinner may be carrying more than she's ever said out loud.

And we unpack the unconscious dating pattern nearly every long-single woman is repeating without knowing it — the one Violet says she couldn't see either, until someone lovingly pointed it out.

Plus: the bar story about the guy who approached a whole circle of women, and what has changed in Violet's own marriage after over a decade together.

If you've ever felt like you couldn't figure out how to "get in" with a woman who seems to have it all together — or you're partnered with a woman who runs hot and cold — this one could fundamentally change how you see her.

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Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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• Love Harmonics (Violet's 6-week, $69 program on breaking unconscious dating patterns; open to all genders): [https://violetlange.com/loveharmonics/?affiliate_code=5b90a8]
• Episode 153: Her Sexual Healing: How to Support Her and Get Your Needs Met (ft. Violet Lange)

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• "The flower opens and the bee appears. Not, the bee comes by knocking on the door, and then the flower decides to open."
• "I want to be seen for all of who I am, and not just in my need."
• "It fucking works! It really works!"
• "I now have soul-shaking sex with my husband... and we've been together 11 years."
• "Your happily ever after starts with you — it's not up to fate, it's not up to some meet-cute. It's really an inside job."

Let's be real: Modern dating culture can suck. Between ghosting, confusion over when to have sex, the commodification of our love lives, and people throwing up old photos on Tinder, Feeld, or Bumble, it's not always clear how to make it work.

But Freya isn't playing by the rules anymore. Instead of sticking with the apps, which can leave both men and women feeling dejected, she's running a full-blown, 3-month public campaign to find a boyfriend ... and she's inviting her entire audience along for the ride.

What's equally as cool is that she's challenging herself on an essentially daily basis to approach men in the wild. We get all up into how this is going for her (how do you approach a guy at the grocery store? What if he's got headphones in? What if he's taken? How does she handle rejection?), and her strong and well-made points about how we could all "do" dating better.

We also dig into the wildest event she's said yes to (hint: 250 people were watching); what happened on her fourth lap around a park after 3 failed attempts to talk to a cute guy walking his dog; and why the little note cards she's been handing out to strangers might be the most old-school-meets-radical dating move going right now.

And a distinction we both come back to: the difference between dominating, being passive, and leading (and why "leading" is the one that actually works).

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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• Please Her In Bed (Melanie's streaming course on how to talk about sex with women in a way that actually helps them to open up): www.pleaseherinbed.com
• Find Freya a Fella (Freya's crowdsourced-boyfriend campaign): freyagraf.com
• The Labia Lounge (Freya's podcast on sex and dating, for all genders)
• The Man Cave (the org where Freya facilitates workshops for teenage boys on healthy masculinity, emotional literacy, boundaries, and consent)

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• "This is not an empowering place to be that we find ourselves in."
• "The bar is very low. It's very close to the ground."
• "'No one's ever done that. Like, good on you.'"
• "I literally massage vaginas for a living."
• "That's basically a precursor to being in a relationship with a man who doesn't make effort."
• "97% of women did not mention anything about how hard a man got, or how long he lasted. And 0% mentioned him having a six-pack."
• "I want love, I love love, I'm not ashamed to admit it."
• "Don't be afraid to write a note -- it's adorable."