Dear Men: How to Rock Sex, Dating, and Relationships With Women

Ever felt like when it comes to your relationship, you're constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop? Or that when you come home, you don't know what (or who) you're going to get? Or that every moment is, "Are they OK?" "Are they OK?" "Are they OK?"

Reality check: It is not normal to be constantly on guard or anxious in your relationship. That kind of chronic anxiety is highly dysregulating -- and yet it's the "norm" for many of the men with whom we work. Whether they're in sexless marriages, struggle with overwhelming anxiety in dating, or yearn for more closeness with their partners, they're suffering. Are you?

Here we discuss the difference between an unhealthy and healthy love relationship. A healthy love relationship is one in which the relationship GIVES you evergy, rather than draining it from you. Or as we put it, “It’s not a healthy relationship if it requires you to abandon yourself over and over.”

And: “Our relationship should co-regulate us, not dysregulate us.”

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Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “There’s a sense, if I don’t keep making my partner OK, they won’t make it.”
• “We definitely see the toxic loyalty play out with Nice Guys.”
• “I’ve got to pay attention to survive here.”
• “Being with you in our dynamic is actually causing me self-harm. I’m hurting myself just being in relationship with you.”
• “Most importantly, I feel safe with you.”
• “Your relationship becomes a generator!”

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Other episodes related to this one:

• Episode 106: What does it mean to 'do the work'?
• Episode 196: Are you a child of neglect?

Ever wanted to explore role-play in sex? If so, you're not alone! According to research, one in three people in North America alone wants to try some kind of role-play in the bedroom, whether that's doctor/patient, professor/student, cop/detainee, pirate/wench or some other sexy dynamic.

Why is sexual role-play so intriguing? Is it different from kink/BDSM? How do you bring it up in a fun and respectful way with a partner? What are your hesitations, and what might your partner's hesitations be? And what's your pleasure? What would you want to explore?

Here we delve into all of it: sexual taboos, our own personal experiences with role-play, how to talk about sexual role-play with a partner, and more.

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Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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Memorable quotes from this episode: 

• "We had both had experiences of being in shut-down sexual relationships."
• “I don’t want to be the director; I want to be the actress."
• "These aspects of our psyche are more than just entertainment."
• "Relationships can evolve."
• "It’s a basket of possibiities!"

"It felt kind of like a trap, but at the same time felt like a soothing warm blanket to feel safe and ruminate within."

"The codependent relationship is filled with drama. There is blaming, a victim and the rescuer/protector. That rescuer is filled with needing to be needed. That’s where it began for me."

"It was years of trying as hard as I could to make things better but never being good enough to matter how hard I tried."

The word "codependence" gets thrown around a lot, but it's not always clear what it means. How do you know if you're codependent? How do you know if your partner is codependent? Can one person be codependent while the other isn't?

Here we delve into our own personal experiences of codependency, as well as the experiences of some of our clients. We aim to provide clarity on codependent dynamics and how to overcome them.

In Jason's words, "Too many men stay in a place of perpetual suffering." If your love relationships have never felt quite right -- if they've always felt off, or you've felt like you were just taking care of your partner (she couldn't take care of herself), or you've never felt like you could get it right with your partner (nothing was ever enough), this will be relevant for you.

A lot of the men we work with are aching for MORE, and I just want to say -- that's available. You don't have to stay stuck. Growth is always possible.

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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Memorable quotes from this episode: 

• “We’re deeply entwined with each other where there’s almost no agency or independence.”
• “While the relationship was ‘safe’, we were both suffering deeply inside.”
• “As long as my partner was approving of me, there was a sense of, ‘I’m OK.’”
• “There was a fear — if I’m not with her, I’ll be alone.”

Did you have a deeply present, emotionally aware father who took the time to attune to you and teach you how to be a trustworthy, integrated man?

If so, you're in the minority. ;) Most of our clients had far-less-than-ideal role models when it came to the masculine -- which makes becoming a trustable adult man challenging.

For example, do you feel equipped to lead hard conversations with your woman partner, and help the two of you navigate repair? Are you able to stand up for yourself in a deep, grounded way without getting defensive or shutting down? Did you ever see any of those things role-modeled in your family of origin?

The fact is, we learn how to be in the world from our caregivers. If you were raised by people who were abusive, alcoholics, neglectful, or just not emotionally attuned to you, then there are gaps in your understanding of sex, dating, and relationships. Here we talk about how to fill those in -- and how to replace bad role models with good ones.

If you're someone who wants to grow beyond how he was raised -- this one is for you.

Themes from this episode:

• The impact of having an emotionally volatile dad vs. absent/passive dad
• If you don't want to be "that guy" -- the angry guy, the shut-down guy, the guy who makes women uncomfortable -- how do you act instead?
• How do you reclaim your manhood if you grew up with women who badmouthed men? (i.e. "Don't be like your father")
• The power of men's work

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Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

There's a lot out there about Nice Guy Syndrome. But what happens after? What is the magical land of Boundaries, for example?

If you’ve figured out you’re a Nice Guy, you’ve likely been in a love relationship or two (or five) where you felt like your partner walked all over you, or where you developed resentment after overextending yourself. Or perhaps you've consistently felt used in your relationships. 

If you’ve ever had thoughts like, “When’s it going to be my turn? Why doesn’t she want to have sex with me?” or, “I’ve done so many good things, nobody should ever be mad at me.” — then you’re plenty familiar with Nice Guy Syndrome!

But what happens after you’ve recovered? What’s the dream? What happens once you’ve mastered things like asserting yourself, knowing what you want and need and how to speak up for it, and how to set healthy boundaries?

Here, Dr. Glover and I go through the before, during, and after states of Nice Guy Syndrome. It gets spicy in places, so get ready for a fun ride!

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “Nobody ever taught me, ‘Say what’s on your mind.’ In my family, that was actually punished.”
• “You begin to realize that a lot of the patterns in your life are triggered by unconscious toxic shame, and deep anxiety states.”
• “In the process of having good guy friends, my love relationship has improved dramatically.”
• “This is the most productive, satisfying year of my life.”
• “We’re healing for humanity.”

Ever contended with anxiety, depression, chronic pain, ADHD, or OCD ... and had that affect your sex or love life?

Ever suspected that you have generational trauma, or thought you were broken?

Ever felt like there was something wrong with you because you just can't seem to get it together when it comes to relationships?

Spoiler alert: There is nothing wrong with you, and you are not broken. Sometimes we just all need some support to break through big blocks.

Here, I talk with David Romero, psychedelic integration coach, about how microdosing psilocybin can help human beings live fuller, richer lives -- including in relationship.

So-called "magic mushrooms" have huge potential when it comes to healing. And with all the stresses of modern life, we can use all the advantages we can get when it comes to helping us to have more regulated nervous systems, heal attachment issues, and overcome chronic pain.

If you've ever been curious about microdosing psilocybin as a therapeutic modality, you won't want to miss this one.

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "More often than not, the root causes of physical pain are deeply psychological."
• "We’re byproducts of the stress that took place before we even arrived in this world."
• "These things do amazing things because they help give you a different perspective."
• "It allows us to take a step back from the crisis our mind is putting us into."
• "I can confidently say it has made a profound impact on my life and my love relationship."

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Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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Mentioned on this episode:

• How to Change Your Mind -- mini-series on psychedelics used for healing, streaming on Netflix
• Fantastic Fungi -- excellent documentary on mushrooms (psychedelic as well as other kinds), streaming on Netflix

"I took responsibility for things that wasn’t mine to take."

So begins the brave stories of four men who share their personal experiences of what it was like being in relationship with a woman with Borderline Personality Disorder (or with traits of it).

If you've ever been unsure about whether your partner may have traits of BPD, this is a good one to listen to. For example, ever felt like your role in your relationship is solely that of a caretaker? In one man's words, "I felt like a caregiver and she was my responsibility."

Thrillingly, this episode is about more than just the intensity of being in an unhealthy relationship. It's also the story of freedom, expansion, and joy. It's how these men got out, and the brightness, love, and peace that's possible on the other side.

In one man's words, a turning point was interacting with someone who treated him with kindness and respect: "It was a healing moment and I began to imagine a different life for myself."

What does it take to get out of an unhealthy relationship? What is life like after you do personal growth work and heal? Sex, dating, and relationships are complex, and here we delve into all the dynamics at play from beginning to end.

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “Anything I shared about myself was eventually used against me, and sometimes in cruel ways.”
• “My life in the relationship was like being on a rollercoaster with no safety harness.”
• “My self-worth started to come back, and that’s what made me think, ‘What am I doing in this situation?’”
• “In my current relationship, I feel grounded, safe and loved. It’s a world of difference.”
• “Now life is pretty fucking great.”

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Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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Other resources mentioned on this episode:

• National Domestic Violence hotline (includes a live chat feature, if you don't want to get on the phone yet): TheHotline
• Dear Men episode 128: Feel like you're walking on eggshells? Recognizing Borderline Personality Disorder
• Dear men episode 289: Do Nice Guys attract volatile women?

Have you ever felt like you needed to make a lot of money to impress women?

Ever had a dynamic shift around money in a relationship, and not known how to deal with it (for example, she starts making more than you, and you have unexpected feelings about that)?

Have you wondered who should pay on a date (do you offer to? Is that considered sexist now?)

If you've wanted to be a fly on the wall and hear the unvarnished truth about how women feel about men, money, and masculinity, then this one's for you! Of course we don't represent all women, but you'll likely appreciate the diversity of perspectives. Get ready for vulnerability, depth, and some good laughs along the way.

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Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

Ever chased emotionally unavailable women? Ever dropped a connection because you felt overwhelmed, or like something was "off" but you couldn't quite name what it was? Ever been uncomfortable with the "mess" of dealing with someone else's emotions, or been hesitant to share your own out of a fear of rocking the boat? Then this episode will resonate.

Here we talk directly about avoidant attachment traits -- including what they've been like for us personally. For example, finding something small but unappealing about someone (like what kind of shoes they wear), and having that get in the way of relationship.

We do this to bring these patterns to light, so that we can learn to work with them. When it comes to the different attachment styles, including anxious, avoidant, and anxious/avoidant (aka disorganized attachment), we also want to be clear that we can always move towards secure attachment, and that learning and growth are more than possible.

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More episodes on this topic:

• Dear Men episode 196: Did you experience emotional neglect as a kid? Here's how to know
• Dear Men episode 62: What do you do if you're not sure she's "The One"? (ft. Dr. Laura Kasper) (this one goes more into de-activating strategies mentioned on this episode)

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Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

Sexy time, pickers, and dating, oh my! Here I answer the following three common client or listener questions:

1. "I’ve heard women say it’s a red flag if the man has not had relationship experience. What do you say?" 
2. "One issue I've had is selecting the right female partner. What is a good way to guide myself to go about doing this?" (My picker is off)
3. "How do I initiate sex without coming off as demanding? I come from a relationship where I think I pressured her into sex, or I wrongly felt sex was owed to me … how can I now be bold in initiation without coming across as pressuring?"

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I want to give a shoutout to the men who asked these questions. It's brave to put yourself out there and ask about what you really want to know.

Got a question you want me to cover? Hit me up at dearmen at gmail.com.

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Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)