Dear Men: How to Rock Sex, Dating, and Relationships With Women

She's successful. She's put together. She seems like she doesn't need anyone. So why does dating still feel impossible for her — and why does she seem so hard to get close to?

The men we work with are almost always intensely curious about what life is like on the "other side." What do single women contend with? What are their biggest dating, sex, and relationship challenges? Here, Violet breaks down 3 top issues frequently faced by single women — the ones most men never clock, because women have gotten so good at hiding them.

We get into why the most "together," successful women are often the most terrified of being seen, and what that has to do with whether she actually notices you making eye contact across the room.

We dig into the hot-and-cold thing — why it happens, why it almost never has anything to do with you, and why the woman across from you at dinner may be carrying more than she's ever said out loud.

And we unpack the unconscious dating pattern nearly every long-single woman is repeating without knowing it — the one Violet says she couldn't see either, until someone lovingly pointed it out.

Plus: the bar story about the guy who approached a whole circle of women, and what has changed in Violet's own marriage after over a decade together.

If you've ever felt like you couldn't figure out how to "get in" with a woman who seems to have it all together — or you're partnered with a woman who runs hot and cold — this one could fundamentally change how you see her.

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Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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• Love Harmonics (Violet's 6-week, $69 program on breaking unconscious dating patterns; open to all genders): [https://violetlange.com/loveharmonics/?affiliate_code=5b90a8]
• Episode 153: Her Sexual Healing: How to Support Her and Get Your Needs Met (ft. Violet Lange)

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• "The flower opens and the bee appears. Not, the bee comes by knocking on the door, and then the flower decides to open."
• "I want to be seen for all of who I am, and not just in my need."
• "It fucking works! It really works!"
• "I now have soul-shaking sex with my husband... and we've been together 11 years."
• "Your happily ever after starts with you — it's not up to fate, it's not up to some meet-cute. It's really an inside job."

Let's be real: Modern dating culture can suck. Between ghosting, confusion over when to have sex, the commodification of our love lives, and people throwing up old photos on Tinder, Feeld, or Bumble, it's not always clear how to make it work.

But Freya isn't playing by the rules anymore. Instead of sticking with the apps, which can leave both men and women feeling dejected, she's running a full-blown, 3-month public campaign to find a boyfriend ... and she's inviting her entire audience along for the ride.

What's equally as cool is that she's challenging herself on an essentially daily basis to approach men in the wild. We get all up into how this is going for her (how do you approach a guy at the grocery store? What if he's got headphones in? What if he's taken? How does she handle rejection?), and her strong and well-made points about how we could all "do" dating better.

We also dig into the wildest event she's said yes to (hint: 250 people were watching); what happened on her fourth lap around a park after 3 failed attempts to talk to a cute guy walking his dog; and why the little note cards she's been handing out to strangers might be the most old-school-meets-radical dating move going right now.

And a distinction we both come back to: the difference between dominating, being passive, and leading (and why "leading" is the one that actually works).

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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• Please Her In Bed (Melanie's streaming course on how to talk about sex with women in a way that actually helps them to open up): www.pleaseherinbed.com
• Find Freya a Fella (Freya's crowdsourced-boyfriend campaign): freyagraf.com
• The Labia Lounge (Freya's podcast on sex and dating, for all genders)
• The Man Cave (the org where Freya facilitates workshops for teenage boys on healthy masculinity, emotional literacy, boundaries, and consent)

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• "This is not an empowering place to be that we find ourselves in."
• "The bar is very low. It's very close to the ground."
• "'No one's ever done that. Like, good on you.'"
• "I literally massage vaginas for a living."
• "That's basically a precursor to being in a relationship with a man who doesn't make effort."
• "97% of women did not mention anything about how hard a man got, or how long he lasted. And 0% mentioned him having a six-pack."
• "I want love, I love love, I'm not ashamed to admit it."
• "Don't be afraid to write a note -- it's adorable."

"Is your dick going to be synced to porn?"

That's not hypothetical — it's already on the market. Here, intimacy expert Susan Bratton walks me through "weird" phenomena at the frontier of sex tech and AI, including synchronized strokers, tele-dildonics (I'll bet that's a word you've never come across before), role-player game (RPG) worlds where you can get down and dirty with an Aztec warrior woman, and adaptive AI that learns what gets you off and gives you more of it.

But where does this genuinely help? And where can it quietly wreck your dopamine system and/or real-world relationships? We delve into all of it, including the exact device suite that Susan and her boyfriend use for long-distance sex. Imagine being thousands of miles apart, still having synchronized orgasms on video. (I did not expect the "hard-boiled egg" comparison, but you'll get it once you hear it.)

Plus:

• How a woman can regnerate her vaginal tissue (YES, this helps if she's dry after/during perimenopause/menopause)
• The 96% statistic about what most porn is actually showing you
• The ancient technique that separates orgasm from ejaculation
• Why penis pumps are not the cheesy novelty you think they are

And a fundamental truth that Susan and I agree on: The best sex tech in the world means nothing without the communication skills underneath it. Plus what I consider the quote of the episode: "I want to live forever and fuck till I die!"

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As of this recording, we have 4 spots left for our Labor Day weekend retreat! Sept 3-7th in Northern California (about 2 hrs north of SF). We work hard to keep it financially accessible, and payment plans are available.

As one man says, "If you're thinking about going, you're already there."

https://evolutionary.men/retreat/

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Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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• Please Her In Bed (Melanie's streaming course on how to talk about sex with women in a way that actually helps them to open up): www.pleaseherinbed.com
• Drive Desire (Susan's full toy/device library): www.drivedesire.com

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• "No one's ever given her these types of strokes before."
• "They don't want you addicted to the yoni. They want you addicted to the screens."
• "Your dick is a tongue, not a piston."
• "You don't owe me an ejaculation."
• "How's your hoo-ha doing?"
• "When you are a turned-on woman or a turned-on man, you're turned on to life."
• "Your sexual vitality and your vitality are two sides of the same coin."

“I was nervous as hell.”

So shares one of the men in this episode about how he felt stepping onto the land of our in-person retreat. In another's words, “I went into a panic because I’m having flashbacks of summer camp.”

What's it really like to do live men's work?

The truth is, most men that come to live retreats are intimidated in one way or another. Rates of bullying are astronomically high, and you don't always know what to expect. As another put it, “There’s a shared understanding of the brutality between men.” And, “When I was a boy, there was never any spiritual or deep, emotional holding by men in my life.”

But you can write -- and experience -- a different story. You can have a new experience of brotherhood ... and what that makes possible may be something you've never even considered.

In one man's words, “The dynamic within my whole family has changed.” Another said, “There’s now a level of connection now with my wife that I can’t even describe.”

If you'e ever felt like you didn't fit in as a kid, or you're just plain curious about how our retreat has impacted other men, listen on. There can be kind and loving experiences of masculine love.

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As of this recording, we have 4 spots left! It's over Labor Day weekend, Sept 3-7th in Northern California (about 2 hours north of SF). We work hard to keep it financially accessible, and payment plans are available.

Or as one man said, “If you’re thinking about going, you’re already there.”

https://evolutionary.men/retreat/

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Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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• "I wanted to be vulnerable and open, but I didn’t know how, and I wasn’t sure I could.”
• “I was deathly afraid to become a terrible father.”
• “I cried tears of joy for the first time in my life.”
• “I realized — through all the work I’ve been doing, therapy, self-reflection, etc. — how much love I have for myself (finally).”
• “If we’re gonna talk about this trauma, we might as well do it in the hot tub!”
• “There was racism even within my own church.”
• “I can accept other men’s unconditional love, and it helped me know how to provide unconditional love to other men.”
• “I came into the first retreat a very tough nut to crack.”
• “There is hope with change.”
• “You’ll make friends.”
• “Come for the food; stay for the healing.”
• “You WILL experience a transformation.”
• “Just get there.”

Have you ever felt like your woman was routinely frustrated, resentful, or annoyed with you? Like you can't get anything right, and then on top of that, when it comes to sex or physical intimacy, FORGET about it. Not happening.

If so, you may be contending with reverse polarity. This can happen in either direction, but we find that with our clients, it's illuminating to explore the flavor when a man is more in omega (his feminine) and a woman more in her alpha (her masculine).

Here, we delve into the different stages of relationship as they relate to polarity (original concept by author and thought leader David Deida.) We also get into what to DO about reverse polarity. How do you re-polarize a relationship if you haven't been very polarized lately?

The focus, as always, is how we can grow into sexier, more fulfilling relationships on both sides.

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We've still got 7 spots left as of this episode dropping! Sept 3-7th, NorCal. www.evolutionary.men/retreat

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Ready to go deeper than the podcast? Our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, is where it all happens. You can join anytime -- book a call at www.evolutionary.men/apply.

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• No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover

Ever feel like you're doing everything "right" — showing up, being kind, respecting her — but only getting crumbs?

First dates that never turn into second dates. A marriage where you've quietly become roommates; no matter what you do, there's no sex, and there's not even very much affection. That feeling of putting in a ton of effort and still spinning your wheels.

If any of that lands, you're likely living out some version of Nice Guy Syndrome.

Outgrowing being a Nice Guy doesn't mean becoming a jerk. It does mean that you learn some skills or make some shifts you've maybe never even thought of before.

Here, Jason and I break down the 3 specific things that support men in graduating from being a Nice Guy — the ones that take them from stuck to, "Wait, this actually works now?"

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Join us live in Boonville, CA (near Napa) in early September. As of this episode dropping, we've got 8 spots left. www.evolutionary.men/retreat

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Ready to go deeper? Our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, is where men transform. Book a call at www.evolutionary.men/apply.

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• No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover

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• "I'm trying really fucking hard and I'm not winning anywhere in it."
• "No woman can trust your yes if you do not have the capacity to say no."
• "You can't get better at community without being in community."
• "If shame is getting in the way of that, she doesn't have a chance to shine."

How much does a woman's sexual satisfaction depend on the size, shape, or other physical details of your cock?

According to research out of the UK, this question is on the hearts of a lot of men. To quote this study: "Men showed significant dissatisfaction with penile size, despite perceiving themselves to be of average size."

In other words, it's common, if you're a man, to wonder (or worry) about whether size matters.

Now here's the real question: Do women that sleep with men track this, and if so, how much?

The truth is that there's as much diversity in the world of penises as there is in the world of human beings. And as women who have sex with men, we've seen a whole bunch! Here, we get real about sex, relationships, hookups, play, and cock size.

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We've got a few spots left at our live, in-person retreat, September 3rd–7th — five days of embodiment, brotherhood, and doing the work that will actually move the needle. Get in here: https://evolutionary.men/retreat

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• Please Her In Bed, my streaming course: www.pleaseherinbed.com

Do you want to establish a new, healthier habit, but so far you just ... haven't? For example: eat more veggies; exercise; have a meditation practice; be bolder with women/your woman; or a big one: cease watching porn.

According to a meta-analysis on this exact questions, intentions only account for ~30% of whether someone actually changes behavior — meaning you can be fully committed and clear on what you want to do, and that commitment still barely predicts whether you’ll do it.

The good news? Change is possible; it just doesn’t happen the way you think it does.

We get into the real gap — between knowing and embodying — and cover why some of the smartest, most self-aware men we work with can describe their patterns with PhD-level precision, but still be stuck in the exact same loop years later.

We also talk about the guy who showed up to the work feeling stuck and hopeless ... and who's now having the most fulfilling sex of his life with the healthiest partner with whom he has ever been.

Fair warning: this one might make you rethink how you've been trying to change -- and you might start taking the actions that'll ACTUALLY get you what you want.

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We've got a few spots left at our live, in-person retreat, September 3rd–7th — five days of embodiment, brotherhood, and doing the work that will actually move the needle. Get in here: https://evolutionary.men/retreat

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• "You don't know how deep the pond is till you get in there."
• "It's the difference between information and transformation."
• "Healing your relationship with other men sets you up for success with women."
• "Courage is not, 'I know everything's gonna be fine.' Courage is, 'I'm scared and I'm doing it anyway.'"
• "There is no replacement for the group."
• "The payoff is so grand — but you gotta take some risks, you gotta do the damn thing."
• "That guy's got fucking balls and fire ... and he feels so safe to be around."
• "Shame is healed in community."

When it comes to sex, dating, and relationships, what is AI good for? And where can it potentially cause damage?

Here, Jason and I go point-for-point — one way AI can support your love life, one way it can harm it — and get into the nuances most people aren't talking about.

We cover what AI is actually good for: crafting the message you can feel but can't quite say; getting unstuck when you're in your head at midnight; brainstorming date ideas that generate real dopamine for the couple; handling the "shit work" of logistics so you can show up more present.

We share the real story of one client whose fight with his wife got a little unstuck through an unexpected AI assist — and the "family assistant" moment that changed everything for a friend struggling to ask for help.

We also delve into in which ways AI can be like emotional porn; what MIT research shows about how heavy AI use impacts mental health and relationships; and why people literally grieved when OpenAI turned down the sycophancy dial.

The deepest cut? AI has no needs. It will never trigger you, never require repair, never push back. And if you spend enough time in that dynamic... you might start to forget that friction is what actually creates intimacy. But real negotiation between two different humans — that's not the obstacle to love. That IS love.

If you're curious about AI and want to use it wisely — without letting it quietly erode the very capacities that make you magnetic — this one's for you.

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Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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• "There's a risk she's gonna figure it out."
• "What's our agreement or understanding about AI in our relationship?"
• "You've got to make sure you're working it, and it's not working you."
• "AI can give us the fake sugar version of relationship."
• "It doesn't have any needs. It doesn't have any triggers. There's no need to negotiate."
• "The friction of relationship is what we learn to work — and it's what makes it meaningful."
• "Get really good at friction. If you can be the one in the room who can hang in conflict — that is only going to become more valuable."
• "It can be part of your team. It can't be your whole team."
• "Safety and trust is built in person with human beings — and most of what we're gauging is how they are being with us, not what they are saying."

"Is this in my head, or is this real?"

Millions of women ask themselves this question -- about their sleep, their mood, their body suddenly working differently than it used to. They can't tell if they can't sleep as well as they used to because they've got two young children ... or whether it's perimenopause.

If you want to be an awesome partner (either now or in the future), listen on! This is the hormonal literacy class you never got that could help with everything.

Here I sit down with Morgan Miller, midwife and co-author of The Cycle Book (with her best friend, sex therapist Laura Federico), to decode what's actually happening in a woman's body as she's in different phases.

We go deep on perimenopause: sleep disruption, night sweats, heart palpitations, ER scares no one warns you about; the anxiety and PMDD that can be a hormonal sensitivity, not an imbalance. There's also the easy, often-missed fix for vaginal dryness, recurrent UTIs, and painful sex (a targeted topical instead of antibiotics).

We also cover why a single blood draw is just "her estrogen at 2pm on a Tuesday" — and why tracking biomarkers (which is actually pretty simple) over a few cycles tells you a LOT more.

Plus a stat that floored me: period-tracking apps are only ~20% accurate at predicting ovulation — wrong roughly 80% of the time.

If your woman has ever been told "everything's fine" while her body said otherwise, and you've felt helpless watching it — this one's for you.

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Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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• The Love Field: Hot Love Summer → www.violetlange.com/thelovefield
• The Cycle Book: An Interactive Step-by-Step Guide to Tracking Hormones and Knowing Your Body by Laura Federico, LCSW & Morgan Miller, CPM, LM
• Work with Morgan & Laura (virtual; they also train providers): www.itslauraandmorgan.com

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• "I feel loved when the men in my life know things about a woman's body."
• "Men have a 24-hour cycle, too."
• "Vaginas are so smart — they're self-cleaning systems."
• "Don't get pigeonholed into the algorithms; you're not every human."
• "It's like learning a new language. Once you learn it, you can't unlearn it."
• "Is this my body adjusting? Is this my body asking for support? Or should I be getting a divorce?"
• "There's no amount of hormones you can pump your body full of that's going to make your libido crank up if you're not into it."
• "We are patient zero. We are figuring this out for ourselves."